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Jotaro yearned.
During nights spent alone with Kakyoin in hotels, under the night sky… He yearned.
He yearned for something more than worrying if they'd be able to defeat Dio in time, worrying if his mom was safe, worrying if they'd even make it back home in one piece. It pained Jotaro, not being able to truly process his feelings towards someone, let alone another guy.
But he knew he liked Kakyoin as more than a companion or friend. His feelings were real, and they hurt.
If Holly was there, she'd be teasing Jotaro to hell and back.
And somewhere, deep in his heart, he hopes that it'll happen once they get back home.
"Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head"
Kakyoin, with his styled red hair that's been neglected quite a bit over the days, the curls continuing to fade over time.
Kakyoin, with his bright lavender eyes that have dulled during the journey after seeing too much.
Kakyoin, with his neat green uniform that's gotten more than enough tears in it after numerous battles.
Jotaro's shirt, that's gotten Kakyoin's tears on it on many occasions.
"And as I climb into an empty bed"
Jotaro's been smoking way too much. More than usual. It's like the stress and uneasiness never goes away. Joseph has tried to get Jotaro to calm down on the habit, but anytime the old man's not around, he goes back to it immediately.
Avdol's not any different when it comes to scolding Jotaro on his bad habits.
Kakyoin used to be the same, but he doesn't really seem alright himself.
Jotaro doesn't want to offer Kakyoin a cigarette. Not to him in that state.
"Oh well, enough said"
Eventually, Jotaro couldn't keep it in anymore.
Sitting down next to Kakyoin on the sand where his sleeping bag was, Jotaro nudges him slightly. "Hey. You good?"
Kakyoin glances at Jotaro temporarily, nodding weakly. "…Yeah. All good."
Jotaro doesn't believe that answer for a second, but he decides to not pry further, simply staying side by side with the other, looking up at the stars. "Can't sleep?"
Kakyoin hums in response, it sounding negative.
"…Me neither. Not really."
It wasn't often that Jotaro would be the one talking the most. Usually he'd let Kakyoin do the talking, as he was more energetic, lively… But he'd changed drastically. Jotaro doesn't mind being the one talking in that situation. He understood, he really did. It's not like a regular teenager would have to endure anything that they've had to for the past month or so.
Jotaro clears his throat subtly. "…When's your birthday?" he asks, albeit quite awkwardly.
Kakyoin fidgets with his fingers, staring at the sand in front of them. "28th of July."
Jotaro nods, trying to remember it, keeping it safe in his memory for later. "Mine's February 3rd."
Kakyoin smiles a little. "Yours is soon, then," he says thoughtfully. "Remember to celebrate it well."
Jotaro's heart skips at the soft smile. It's not much, but it's something during these dark times. "Yeah. Yeah, I will." He wants to say that he'll invite him to a party, if one is held. That he'll make sure Holly makes enough food for him, too.
But he doesn't.
"You too, even if it's a while until your birthday," Jotaro ends up saying.
You too.
"I know it's over, still I cling"
Jotaro couldn't sleep. Couldn't rest. He keeps bouncing his legs and punches even harder than before, sometimes even without Star Platinum.
With Kakyoin in the hospital alone, Jotaro couldn't stop worrying.
Of course, when Avdol had been badly injured, he'd been worried then too. But this was Kakyoin, someone special. Someone that Jotaro had realized he loved.
He doesn't realize it, but he keeps asking the others when they could visit him in the hospital. When HE could visit him, alone.
Before Jotaro knows it, he's visited Kakyoin a few too many times. More times than he could count.
First it was a simple checkup with the others to see if Kakyoin was being treated well in the local hospital. Then, it was a quick visit by himself to bring a few snacks that Kakyoin had talked positively about many days ago during the trip. Jotaro would then keep visiting for longer amounts of time after that. 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour…
Eventually he started visiting for so long that the nurses had to practically drag him out.
He hopes Kakyoin will feel better soon.
"I don't know where else I can go"
Jotaro doesn't quite know what happened. It had only been a few minutes. He can barely think.
Dio was dead.
But so was Kakyoin.
Jotaro doesn't feel fulfilled. He doesn't feel relieved now that Dio was dead. He doesn't feel anything. He feels like something is stabbing him in his chest, the world mocking him and laughing in his face.
Kakyoin didn't get to celebrate his 18th birthday. He didn't get to do anything. Jotaro wishes Kakyoin never came along with them on the journey to begin with. He had his reasons, good ones at that, but he wishes things turned out differently.
He would've even sacrificed himself for Kakyoin, if that would've been possible.
Jotaro wants to go back. Everything was so much better before any of this. Jotaro wants to scream.
He can't even remember the last thing he said to Kakyoin. He wants to go back and at least say something meaningful, knowing the last thing he 'said' was probably just a lowly hum and a nod.
Jotaro hates this. His jacket sleeves are probably covered in snot and tears.
And they're not Kakyoin's. He could've comforted him, he could've done anything else but cry about the fact that he's not there anymore. He could've been there for Kakyoin.
But instead, he can only there for himself.
No one else.