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Team took his glass and sipped on it slowly. His eyes wandering around the room. Someone came up to him.
"How is our Olympic star? I didn't think you would come." The ex-member of the swim team in university stood in front of Team. His large smile felt genuinely, but Team couldn't give it back."Hey. I was able to take a day off and uhm.. Have you seen Hi- I mean, Phi Win? Is he here already?"
The ex-member laughed and patted Teams shoulder."Always looking out for Win, huh? He isn't here, said something about an engagement party or the like, but what" he talked more and more but Teams mind drifted away.
Engagement party. Good for Win, Team thought.
"Sorry, I think I'll look around some more." Team said and left the ex-member alone, perplexed by Teams sudden cold shoulder.
As Team walked through the room, gulping down his glass, he spotted Dean.
"Phi Dean, I didn't think you would come. Oh, yeah Pharm is visiting his mom right? No wonder you were able to be here." Team said while smiling softly, walking up to Dean. The tall guy gave him a nod and straightened up from where he was hunched a little. "I would have come anyway, I was the club president, cant be a bad example." He held his glass up and drunk a little.
Team nodded slowly. It made sense for Dean to be here, if he thought like that. So why couldn't Win be here too.
"Phi Win couldn't make it, huh?" without thinking Team’s mouth spoke the words he wanted to swallow, as he realized that, it was already too late. Deans eyes focused on his junjor. "It's not his engagement." was the only thing Dean replied. Team nodded again, slowly, getting Deans words in his head.
"Its Views." He took another sip of his drink. "Oh that's, good. I mean. Yeah." He fumbled with his glass around. He turned around, Dean took this opportunity to text Win two words.
Team came.
Team on the other hand mumbled to himself "Maybe I should congratulate View to his engagement, but then he would ask how I knew and then-" urgh. Team was frustrated. What did he even expected? Coming to this meet up. Seeing Win again? Talking to him? Telling him the things he always held back? As if that was ever so easy.
He sighed and turned back to Dean. "I think I’ll call a cab and go back, I got early practice tomorrow." Deans eyes widen a little. "I thought you would stay the night. You know we booked the whole hotel. I mean, it would be a waste to go just yet." Team shook his head. "I cant. I still need to take my meds and be ready for tomorrow. But you should have some more fun with the others phi Dean."
He was about to walk to the front desk, but Dean grabbed his wrist. "Pharm wants to make dinner for you and Manow again, maybe on the weekend? He wanted me to tell you, because he was too busy to call." Team nodded once again, but then laid his head to the side, thinking.. "Yeah that would be okay I think. Gotta check my calender before that, but I think I can manage." Dean gave him a short smile, still holding on Teams wrist, his eyes always looking down to his phone.
Team got a little irritated. "Phi Dean?" he asked looking at his senior and then at their hands that were still connected. Dean let go as he followed Teams eyes. "Sorry, maybe I already drunk too much." they both knew that Dean has a really high tolerance and he never drank even one milliliter more than he could handle, but Team just laughed a little and said his goodbye.
Leaving a silent Dean back he went to the front desk. He was telling them he wouldn't need his room today and asked for them to call a cab for him. As he looked out the window he saw that it started to rain. He sighed.
Rain.
He always had to think about the day he told Win about his past, how he called Win, crying and drenched in front of the grave of his brother. How they both were- he drifted off again. The receptionist told him the cab will be here any minute, so Team walked to the door, but as he was about to open it, it was swung open. In front of him stood, from head to toe drenched, Win. Teams breath stopped for a second. "Phi Win? I thought you were-"
"Dont go." Wins voice was trembling.
Team didn’t know how to react. “I- They called a cab already and I have to-“ before he could finish Win grabbed his wrist. The seniors and their hand grabbing, Team thought as he was dragged to the front desk again. He could feel how cold Win was. The rain sure made his, usual warm, body as cold as ice.
“Excuse me. Could you give the cab to someone else, or just pay him with this. We will take the room he just called off.” Team didn’t want to bother the woman with all this, but to his surprise she accepted it. “We will do that Sir. If you need anything else just call us. Mr. Win.”
Oh yeah, it is Wins family hotel. How could I forget, Teams mind drifted off.
The next thing Team realized was how Win took him to the elevator and pressing the buttons. The door opened and both walked in. Win let go of Team and they both stood beside each other, silent, not saying a word. Teams eyes slightly looked at Win. His whole body was wet, his clothes looked like they were tailored onto his body and he could swear he saw him shuddering a little because of the cold. Obviously, Team thought. He was drenched and the air conditioning was high.
The elevator stopped and the door opened again. Without a word both walked out and to the room they had booked for Team. Before they walked in, Win stopped. He slowly turned his head around to look at Team. “I know I kinda forced you up here, but if you really want to leave now-“ Team took the key, opened the door and pushed Win inside.
“I don’t care about anything right now, I just want you to take off your clothes and-“ Team could see the surprise in Wins face. “to take a SHOWER.” Team ended his words angrily. Win had to hold his mouth with his hand, before a laugh escaped him, but then he smiled softly at Team.
“Still worrying about me, hm?” his voice and eyes were so soft, as soft as back then. Whenever Win looked at him. Team turned around to not have to look at him again. “I can’t have you getting sick because of something stupid.”
Win once again grabbed Teams wrist, not to make him turn around, just to make sure Team will understand. “It’s not something stupid.” His voice was so small, so not like Win. Team took a huge breath. “I understand, now go get into the shower. You’re freezing cold.”
As Win went into the bathroom, Team sat down on the bed, bitting his fingernails. Now that Win is actually here, he doesn’t know what to do. His only reason for showing up today, was to see Win, to maybe talk to him and now this. He was lost.
A few minutes later Team knocked on the bathroom door. “Phi Win, they got you some clothes to change into. I’ll leave them on the sink, okay?” Team hesitantly opened the door to the bathroom just to see Win walking out the shower, drying his hair in front of the mirror. Their eyes met and it felt like time stopped. Every second felt like hours. The heat from the shower and the heat from both their bodies were sinking in.
Team was able to get out of his frozen state and held the clothes in front of Win. “Here, take your time.” As Win took them from Team, he could even say thank you, because Team was out of the room in a second. He had to hold back another laugh. “Still being adorable, hm?” Win mumbled to himself as he looked at the door closing behind his junior.
Win got out of the bathroom fully dressed in a simple white shirt and sweatpants. He was still ruffling his, now black, hair. He didn’t dare to look up from the floor, but spoke nonetheless. “Thank you for staying.” He said with a small voice. Team sitting on the bed, kneeded his legs with his hands, looked up.
“Can’t just leave, after you went through the trouble to get here, can I?” he jokingly said. They both knew that Team wasn’t forced to stay and Win had no right to keep him here, but they both wanted each other there.
Win took a chair and put it right in front of Team and sat down. He looked up into Teams eyes.
The room fell silent, none of them wanted to start. Team thought the silence would be awkward after all this time, but just being in the same space as Win made him feel better, no matter what their status was, he would always feel good with Win. He knew that and still fucked up in the past.
“I didn’t think you would come today, that’s why I didn’t either. Well, also because View celebrated his engagement...” Team got startled as Win suddenly started to talk. The younger one nodded his head. “I got some free time and I was hop-“ he wasn’t able to end his sentences. They got stuck in his throat. He was hoping for Win to be there, to finally tell him how he really felt all the time.
“That’s great. Can’t practice all the time, you need time to rest too.” Win smiled as he made warning finger in front of Teams face. His trainer self was still present, even after all this time. Team nodded. “I do rest, a lot, but I also have to practice a lot to keep up. Especially with all the nig-“ again Team stopped his words.
He shoulnd’t bother Win with those anymore, he had no right to, but he still wanted Win to know everything. His eyes looked down to his knees. Why was it so difficult to be true to yourself? He was older now, why can’t he be brave, that was all Win wanted from him. To be brave and not be afraid of Win and his feelings, but that was all Team was. All that Team wanted not to be. He didn’t want to be afraid of Win or his feelings, especially not afraid of his own feelings for his senior.
“Team.” Win started and Team looked up into his face. “It’s been 6 years since our breakoff. Can I finally know the reason?” Wins face was serious, you could even say in pain. He must have wondered all the time. No wonder, it just happened so suddenly.
They were happy together, Team finally told Win all about his nightmares of his trauma, his brother. Win in exchance told him how he felt, that he wants Team to be brave about them, but Team wasn’t brave. As soon as he knew how Win really felt, all the fear spread through him. Can he really love someone? He was afraid to lose someone again, because of the stupid things he did. He would lose Win because he was Team and Team loses everything he held dear to him. He would hurt him over and over.
He was too afraid and rejected Win and his feelings. “I don’t.” Was all the said before he ran off, leaving his crying senior behind. At first they tried to keep talking, but as soon as Win went to London for his last university years their contact broke up. Only kept alive through Dean.
“If you still can’t talk about it, then you can leave. I won’t force you to tell me.” A sad smile was on Wins face. Team knew he did it to him, he knew that he hurt his favorite person. He took a deep breath to steady himself.
“Phi Win-“ “Hia.” Team looked at Win again, seeing how his eyes held something strong. Was I even allowed to keep calling you that, Win?, Team thought. “....Hia.” he tried again, saying it after so long felt weird, unusual, but also so good. His whole body was on fire just by one word. By a word to adress his senior.
“Back then, when you asked me to be brave. When you told me how you felt..I-“ he had to swallow, held back a tremble. Team tried to get his words back, say them outloud, he knew Win had to know. Even if nothing will change for them now, he wants him to know.
Win stood up. Team got scared, scared that Win didn’t want to know anymore or saw that Team was still not brave enough, but he moved beside Team. Sitting down beside him on the bed. He put his hands on Teams. The warmth spread through Teams body, he first look at their hands and then up to Win.
The soft look of, I’ll wait however long you need, in Wins eyes melted Team. Win was everything for him and Team knew that he was everything for Win. So he took all he had.
“I was scared, so scared Hia. The feelings I had for you where so strong. They made me sick. All I could’t think about how I would hurt you. How I would destroy everything for you. You are the perfect person in front of me and I’m, I’m just me.” His words were finally out.
Win took one hand of his and slowly touched Teams cheek. Wiping away tears that were falling. “I know.” Win answered. Team looked shocked. He knew? Team was about to say something but Win stopped him.
“I know you thought that way, but I also thought that I had been able to make the fear go away, but I guess I wasn’t good enough.” He put his hands back on Teams. “No, Hia. You’re good enough, everything about you is good enough, it was me. Can’t you remember how much I hurted you when I almost drowned? Or when you drove to me through the rain? Seeing me break down in front of a grave? You could have had an accident in that weather, but I forced you to me. I’m selfish and not good for you. I’ll destroy everything for you and-“
Win put a hand over Teams mouth. “You don’t destroy anything. Yes, my heart still breaks thinking of those days, seeing you so hurt and vulnerable. I wish I had been there earlier, I wish I had told you how good you were for me and everyone else earlier.”
“I’m not, I’m-“ Teams words were swallowed by new tears falling down and hiccups building up. “I can’t take away your fears completly, but please believe me that you can’t destroy me with your feelings.” Win softly patted Teams back to help him calm down, but he himself had swallow down tears.
“Hia, I was so stupid.” Team grabbed Wins shirt and leaned his head on his shoulder. His tears falling down on him and wetting his shirt once more. Win continued to pat Teams back. “We both were. You for keeping your fears for yourself and me for not showing how much you really mean to me.”
They stopped talking for a few minutes to control their tears again. Team lifted his head up again. “Can you forgive me for not being brave enoug back then? For being afraid still now? Will you still love someone like me?” Teams words were filled with fear and hope at the same time. Win smiled down on him.
Holding Teams face in both of his hands. “I don’t love just someone. I love you, Team. I did back then and I never stopped.” Team closed his eyes and pulled his lips into a soft smile. “Hia. I love you too. Thank you for waiting for me, thank you for not giving up on me. Us.” Win slowly wiped away more tears on Team cheeks.
“Can I kiss you Team? Am I allowed to be that person in your life again?” Team nodded and closted the gap between them himself. Their lips, soft and warm, tasted like salt from all their tears and snot. But it was the best moment both had in years.