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It’s nights like these that make Evelyn’s heart ache the most.
Astra had been off all day, a slight tilt in her voice that no one seemed to notice but Evelyn; her smile never quite reached her eyes. It wasn’t an uncommon sight for the bodyguard, everyone had their days, but today’s Astra carried an air of emptiness that Evelyn hadn’t seen in a long time. She didn’t truly notice until they had come home for the day. She watched Astra walk confidently into the dresser, bumping her hip against it but paying it no mind, she didn’t even flinch. It wasn’t until the two settled in for bed that whatever had been weighing on Astra’s mind came bubbling to the surface.
A glance at the clock beside her told Evelyn it was already 4am. The singer, typically a heavy sleeper, lay awake on her other side. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling above their bed, body completely motionless. Even Evelyn could feel sleep tugging at the corners of her vision, her body begging her to finally give in and accept the much needed rest. But, the idea of sleeping while Astra lay awake beside her was something Evelyn could never do, all the potential for something to go wrong when Evelyn couldn’t step in to protect her. And so she waited.
And waited.
Astra’s eyes were half lidded and, if she didn’t know better, Evelyn would think she was adorable in her sleepiness. Her lips had that familiar pout, the one that fans wrote whole essays about. But, she knew that Astra’s frozen solid frame was indicative of something much deeper, a rawness she tried her hardest to hide. She observed Astra carefully, as if picking apart every piece of her would let Evelyn understand.
To Evelyn, that was the hardest battle. She had been through her fair share of her own troubles, but this she would never truly grasp.
She knew vague pieces, honey-sweet childish vocals and gentle adults, frantic agents trying to tamper down their own fear, the twisting, tearing feeling that your life would never be the same. She knew Astra was a child in her mind, still trapped in that hollow, the weight of lives sacrificed bearing down on her soul. From an outside perspective she looked hollow, like there wasn’t even a person behind her eyes.
There wasn’t much Evelyn could do but just be there, and maybe that was the worst part. All this time dedicating her life to fighting blindly, finally finding something worth fighting for, only to have to stand by and watch as her whole world crumbled down.
At some point Evelyn was finally able to place Astra in her eyes, her presence pushing past the sleep deprived haziness of her beautiful pink irises. It’s as if she were truly present in the room for the first time. She turned to curl into Evelyn, not saying a word and instead just taking in her warmth. Evelyn met her with open arms, soft hands on her skin grounding her to the moment. Astra let out a heaving sigh that shook her whole body. Soon enough they drifted off, tangled in one another, finally giving in to the warmth of sleep calling to them.
It wouldn’t last long, however, as a sharp gasping breath shook Evelyn from her slumber.
She was up in an instant, eyes scanning the room for whatever danger awaited. But there was no monster here, no crazed fan or rogue agent on the prowl; instead she found Astra, fighting through ragged breaths, hand clutching her nightgown like she was trying to keep her heart in her chest.
This was the worst kind of danger. The danger Evelyn couldn’t fight, the danger she watched Astra fight off night after night while she just had to stand by and witness. It was like a stab through the heart. She felt so useless here—what was the point in everything she did for Astra if she couldn’t help her with this, her most taxing trial.
She scooped the singer back into her arms, talking her down from the edge of crashing. Violent tremors shook her whole body; agonizing tears dripped down her face. Her eyes were entirely unfocused and blurred, like she was seeing past whatever was in front of her.
Focus, she needed Astra to focus.
She tried to speak softly, to let the vibrations of her chest make their way up to Astra. After a few moments she finally got her attention, working her through breathing activities with practiced ease.
“I’ve got you,” She murmured.
She let her cry about the guilt of it all, the pressure of carrying on the lives of those who sacrificed everything for her, of the confusion as to why she got to survive and no one else did. She held her and let her speak her worries into something tangible, something Evelyn could crush down and push away. Something Evelyn could fight back against.
She tried to keep her tone even, ignoring the stinging of tears behind her own eyes as she listened to her speak. Nothing would be the same if Astra hadn’t survived, if things had gone differently. She tried to carve those words into her head, to press them into her skin with soft lips and gentle touches.
After what seemed like an eternity, her Astra was back. Her face was tired and worn, hours of conflict etched into the smooth porcelain of her skin. She let out a yawn and cuddled herself closer to Evelyn, like she was trying to burrow into her. Evelyn held her close, running her hands along her back softly. She took Astra’s weight onto her, the singer curled up in her lap. She tucked her face into Evelyn’s neck, hands curled between their bodies like she was trying to make herself as small as possible.
Labored breathing faded into gentle, even breaths and she felt Astra fall slack against her, a more peaceful sleep finally overtaking her. Her head rested solidly on Evelyn’s chest, her body curled against Evelyn’s torso, held in place by her strong hold.
Evelyn took a moment to admire the sight in front of her, Astra’s gentle features, free from makeup, glowing faintly in the moonlight. Her hair fanned out across her shoulders, obscuring large chunks of her skin and face. The dark locks reflected the moon back at her, shining like some type of ethereal angel. Her lips were parted softly and Evelyn had to fight the urge to lean down and capture them. She knew that kind of movement would rouse Astra from her slumber, so she settled on a kiss to the crown of her head and a gentle squeeze.
Despite her attempts, Astra did stir slightly, offering an unintelligible murmur and pressing even closer—if that was possible—to Evelyn.
The shifting hues of the sky told her that, at some point, late-night had faded to early morning, but Evelyn’s brain was still humming. Her eyes were wired, unable to tear away from the woman in front of her, seemingly peaceful for what felt like the first time in a while.
She could faintly make out the light of the sun rising out the window beside them, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She wrapped her arms tighter around Astra, refusing to tear her eyes away from her sleeping form.
The singer in front of her would continue to leave her in awe, her beauty on stage, her strength in surviving what she did and still coming out the other side. There was never a time where Astra hadn’t carved a space for herself in Evelyn’s heart. Somewhere between busy schedules and overbearing agencies, Astra had become her everything, the first thing in her life Evelyn felt an attachment to she couldn’t simply will away. It didn’t matter the danger, Evelyn would do whatever it took to make sure she was safe, to make sure she repaid her for rescuing her when she was falling, to thank her for being her everything.