Chapter Text
**This is the last letter I will ever write and I wanted to address it to you because of how much you’ve impacted my life. I love you Mary and I always will but I also know that you have done nothing except torment me. Yet Despite the torment my heart still belongs to you and longs for you because I remember how you were. In simple words you were my light; so sweet, so kind, so beautiful, so bright, so quiet but then I remember what you turned into and I feel the heart wrenching pain. I remember every accusation, every argument, every attempt to gaslight me and most importantly your complete lack of understanding of my fragility, my sensitivity, my perspective. You have always been rather self centred darling, too stuck in your ways and that has hurt me beyond repair and in the process ruined our love. I still love you of course but I am also exhausted. So darling I am so sorry for not being able to bear this dichotomy, these contradictions. I am a fragile man and I have reached my limit so Mary dear I must die but don't blame yourself darling, it's not your fault at all. I understand that everything is just a result of your upbringing and it pains me that I couldn’t help you overcome your past. That is my only regret and I hope with my death you finally get the courage to visit your past. I will always be there for you.
Yours Sincerely,
Frank**
“This was the last letter he wrote?” the therapist asked me as I dug my nails into my skin, drawing blood when she read the letter out loud. Why she had to read it out loud, I didnt know, why she had to subject me to the torture of hearing those words I did not know but who was I to question the person clinically trained in understanding and helping people, just like how I should have never questioned Frank. How I should have never listened to my best friends who had put the ideas in my head. He was an honest and a sensitive man, I should have been understanding just like he was, no is. He still doesn’t blame me, he still loves me and wants me to work through my issues, even after his death. How could I doubt such a loyal and caring man?? How could I even for a minute listen to my best friend, who Frank claimed was in love with me. Frank knows best, I should have known that and for a while I did but then Auden poisoned my mind, all because he wanted a chance with me. I know his intentions are malicious because even now after Frank’s death Auden is cautioning me, telling me that he's sure Frank is alive and that this is all an act, which is complete nonsense because I saw his body, I saw his body and held it and I know that it's him despite the disfigured face because it smelled like him, that comforting scent of his deodorant that never failed to put me at peace.
I am pulled out of my thoughts by the therapist who is looking at me concerned, “Mrs. Baker, are you listening?”
I stiffen at the use of Mrs. Baker, yes I am still Mrs. Baker, after all I haven't changed my name. I should but I can’t, even if shedding the surname will bring me peace, but then again I may not be worthy of peace, after all hadn’t I killed a man?
“Mrs. Baker??” she calls out again and this time I answer.
“Sorry Doctor Lily, I was thinking.” she immediately whips out her pen and notebook and I notice that theres a ketchup stain on her notebook, I wonder where that is from….Oh no I got distracted again. With another jolt I think of Frank and how he always complained when I got hyper fixated on meaningless details, I haven't changed at all, maybe Lily can help me with not going off the tangent as well.
“Mrs. Baker” this time I feel a hand on my shoulder, I made her get up, oh no, I’m even giving the therapist trouble. How does Frank still lo- No! Now is not the time to think about him, I cant waste doctor Lily’s time, I need to speak, not think, I need to fix myself so Frank’s death will not be in vain.
I get up to apologise, my head bowed, “I am so so sorry doctor Lily. I’ll try to focus more and not get caught up in my thoughts.”
She shakes her head and I’m scared. Did I make her mad? Am I wasting her ti-. Before I can complete that thought she makes me sit back down and speaks kindly, “No worries Mrs Baker, we are here to explore your thoughts so by all means please keep thinking but we have to do this together to find a solution so I would appreciate it if you spoke to me.”
She is far too kind but nevertheless, I am grateful. I need patience now, patience that Frank gave me, patience that will help me get better. I speak to her, “Thank You doctor Lily, I will try my level best.”
She says, “I know you will Mrs. Baker. The fact that you are here speaking to me so soon after death is proof of your commitment to changing yourself as quickly as possible for the better of course.”
“Quickly as possible? Yeah I like that idea.” my spirits rise as I vocalise my thoughts without any prompting.
She notices my pride and immediately comments, “There we go! You deserve a gold star for this!” she jokes and I chuckle lightly, she's quite friendly.
“So Mrs Ba-” I interrupt her slightly more confident after that joke, “um can I make a request.”
Immediately she nods smiling, “Of course you can Mrs. Baker! I’m here to help you and we can only help you if we work together!”
I thank her again, “Thank You, that's a relief.”
She speaks with a maternal smile, “Don’t mention it, now what did you want to ask Mrs. Baker?”
I take a deep breath, “I- its just could you not call me Mrs. Baker?”
Her face grows serious and I panic, did I annoy her? I immediately try to backtrack, “Only if you dont mind of course! Its just a thought please d-”
She interrupts me, “You don't need to apologise Mrs. Baker. I just want to know why you dont want to be called by your surname, the surname you shared with your deceased husband who still loves you despite everything you did. I dont mind of course but it's important to address preferences as according to many psychologists we can learn a lot about you from possible reasons for your preferences.”
“That sounds interesting.” I want to learn more about this psychological idea but then I remember how Frank said that people didnt like being asked questions. I want to be a better person. I should listen to Frank.
The next minute Frank’s advice is proven to be right as she comments, “I’m glad you aren't asking questions Mrs. Baker, most of my other clients ask too many questions which frankly is quite annoying.”
I feel proud of myself for setting myself apart from the other clients but at the same time the use of Mrs. Baker makes me flinch but she's a licensed therapist, she probably has a good reason for not acknowledging my request. She's a licensed therapist, I shouldnt question her, Frank would agree. He always told me to trust the title, I never believed him because of my stupid woke ideology that your title doesn't matter but your actions, that people without titles, degrees could be just as wise or smart. She speaks again and I give her my full attention, I will fix myself no matter what, I will not let Frank’s death be in vain.
“So Mrs. Baker.” I flinch at her use of Mrs Baker again and she looks at me sympathetically, “I am sorry for putting you through this Mrs. Baker but it is important to help you get used to being called like this. After all, endurance is the best solution to overcoming struggles.”
I know I shouldn't ask but I can't help myself, “Is it?” The idea of having to endure torture does not sit right with me, after all he tried to endure it but look at how he ended up. Maybe endurance wasn't always the best course of action.
She's patient as she answers my question, “Yes Mrs. Baker, endurance is used as treatment for phobias. Both the methods: systematic desensitisation and flooding are based on that idea. You can search it up if you don't believe me.”
She’s sure of herself and I can't help but be inclined to agree with her. She wouldn't tell me to research it if she wasnt right but for my peace of mind and so that I would never question her again,I pull out my phone with her permission and search. She was right, I had no excuse to disagree with her now.
“Do you believe me now?” she asks smugly and I simply nod. Satisfied she continues speaking, “Okay now Mrs. Baker. Why does hearing your surname make you feel uncomfortable?”
She waits for me to speak, waiting to make notes.
“I- I just feel the guilt and shame, like I am not supposed to hold that name because I killed him with my stupidity. How could I have doubted him when all he's ever done is love me and understand me, despite my trauma. He was the type to look after me when I was sick, take me out for dinner whenever we argued because he hated seeing me sad. He was that type and he spent so much money on me. He was the best husband ever and I went and ruined it by accusing him of cheating?? I dont know what possessed me, actually I do know what possessed me.”
I pause as I see that she is making notes, she notices the silence and nudges me to continue, “What possessed you Mrs Baker?”
I take a deep breath, afraid to tell this part of the story but I need to, to get better, “My friend who's in love with me told me things about him and since I had known him for most of my life, I believed him and the flimsy proof he gave, proof that Frank said could have been doctored.”
“This friend…are you still in contact with him?” Lily asked concerned as I shook my head vehemently.
“No, I cut contact with him as soon as he said that Frank faked his death. I believed him once and Frank died, I can never believe him again.”
She looks pleased, “That's a great start! Cutting of toxic influences in your life. Not many of my clients are able to do that so quickly! You’re an extremely strong woman Mrs. Baker”
I flush with pleasure, I am making progress, Frank would be proud. She notices and gives me a salute that makes me chuckle. It feels nice to make progress, just as I am going to delve deeper however the alarm rings signalling the end of the session.
My smile drops, “Its time up huh?”
She gives an apologetic smile, “I am afraid so Mrs. Baker but for what it's worth you have already made so much progress even before you came to me so you should be proud! Needless to say we will explore your feelings at next week's session, for now I suggest going through your memories of your time with Mr Baker and identify other behaviours from your side that could have led to his death.”
I nod determined, “ I will, thank you so much for your time Doctor Lily.” She gives another salute, “Dont mention it, just doing my job.” Just as I’m about to leave with the silver handbag that Frank left with the letter, however she calls me back, “I just wanted to say that so far you’re my best client and that you can call me Lily. I’m looking forward to meeting you next week.”
My heart soars at the compliment, “T- thats nice to hear. I can’t wait to meet you next week either. You’re very good at your job, I can see why you have five star reviews.”
“Oh its nothing, now you really should get going, my next client is already waiting outside.”
“Yes of course I will.” with that I leave the clinic feeling better than I’ve felt since his death two weeks ago, my doubts about cutting off Auden are gone. If the trained professional tells me I did the right thing then I definitely did the right thing. She will help me get better, I can't get Frank back but I will better myself.
Doctor Lily POV
I watch Mary Webber walk away, my heart twisting with jealousy. She was every bit as beautiful as she had seemed on her social media and I understand why he fell for her, why he would fall for her again, why I would have to keep him close. I did not intend to lose to someone as weakwilled as her and incredibly easy to trick. She was a fool and that's why she had lost him.
After all, the only thing she had was her looks. No wonder he got bored of her, me on the other hand, he would never get bored of me, I wouldn't let him get bored. I could give him exactly what he wanted, I could make his life interesting and I was going to start with giving Frank a spectacle of his ex wife steadily losing her mind. He would like that because the only thing my dear Frank feared was being forgotten. That's why he had left the letter but he would be happier if I kept him alive in her mind.