Chapter Text
The birds chirped as the early morning light cascaded through the living room windows. A warm yellow engulfed the room, reaching every corner. The timer on the oven ticked away, counting down seconds as the smell of warm cookies wafted throughout the apartment. On the tv a movie from what seemed to be from the 90s played quietly in the background, something to fill the silence.
A beautiful morning like this shouldn’t feel so sad, he thought. Buck sat alone by the kitchen counter, head leaning back as he stared at the ceiling above. There were three finished beer bottles on the counter before him, forming watermarks as they sat. One unopened bottle remained, he’d save that for later.
It was on days like this that the pain doubled. A deep gut wrenching pain that only grew as the warm spring wind blew. When the seasons changed Buck felt worse than ever, he had always had this trait, the change in the weather was the earth's reminder that time passed, even as he remained still.
He had lost it all and until now, he didn’t have very much to begin with. A replacement child, one made not to be loved but to serve, he never had a family. Not until the 118 and not until Maddie showed up again. But as quickly as he formed a bond with his team members, he lost it.
It all started with his accident. He grimaced to himself as he remembered the accident, the sickening crunch of his bones crushing under the weight of the fire truck. His blood pooling beneath him, making his loose uniform stick to his skin. The pain, he remembered thinking that this was the worst pain he had ever been in in his life but that wasn’t the worst of it. It was Eddie. Eddie's face as he tried to keep Buck calm, keep him sane, it was etched into Buck's brain, something he saw each time he closed his eyes.
The timer on the oven rang, bringing Buck back from wherever his mind was taking him. He released a deep sigh, he hadn’t realised he was holding his breath. He pushed himself off the counter stool, wobbling slightly as he stood and made his way around the counter. He picked up his yellow oven mitts that hang from his small oven. They were a gift from Hen when she found out that he liked to bake. He looked at them, he couldn’t use these, not after what he had done. A deep guilt began to brew. He placed the mitts gently back onto the counter top before sighing once more, he wasn’t worthy of the love he had once received.
He knew this was stupid, but his ‘bachelor pad’ as Maddie liked to call it wasn’t fully equipped for his hobbies. He knew that the oven mitts were what he needed but he opted for a small kitchen towel instead. He opened the oven door allowing himself a small reprieve. He closed his eyes, he breathed in the scent of chocolate chip cookies and hummed as the warmth hit his skin.
After a few seconds, he did exactly what he knew he shouldn’t. He wrapped his hand in the towel and attempted to take out the steaming hot tray of cookies. The towel, thin and ratty from years of use, was not good enough at protecting his skin. Buck hissed in pain as the tray met his palm, flinching slightly causing a cookie to drop on the wooden floor, stupid he thought to himself as he felt his skin melt on the metal. Determined not to make a bigger mess than he had already, he tightened his grip on the tray and quickly placed it on the counter.
He blew on his hand as it began to blister. This was going to be a pain in the ass later at work. Buck ignored the part of his brain screaming at him to put some cooling gel on his hand or to run it under cold water at the very least. He deserved this pain, he deserved it all after what he had done.
Ignoring the pain, he made his way up to his bedroom. He had to get ready for his shift that was starting soon and as the day was nice he thought he would walk it. Maybe it would help lighten his mood but he knew it wouldn’t. He knew that it was just an excuse. Buck never drove to the fire station anymore. It was too quick of a ride, less time to think, less time to stall before he had to greet what was once his family.
Now he walked. He walked everywhere lost in thought. Just last week he had walked 5 hours aimlessly in the night, lost in thought about what he could have done differently. So buck walked. He walked past coffee shops and highways. On mud and broken pavement, he walked as his feet blistered but he never cared. This pain was nothing compared to the pain he has caused.
As Buck walked to the station today he let his mind wander to the events that unfolded after his accident. He thought about how he tried to be strong, how he tried so eagerly to get back to his, to do what he loved only to find out that Bobby was the one stopping him. How he couldn’t handle the truth or the waiting so he decided to listen to a stupid lawyer and file a lawsuit. It was stupid and he knew that now but he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean to hurt everyone, he just wanted to get back to them. To his team. To his job. To helping people.
But instead he had ruined it all. Chimney stopped talking to him after the lawsuit, Hen would give him a tight lipped smile at times but it was obvious she was uncomfortable with his presence. Bobby continued to speak to him but only to bark orders or to add snide comments about his work, which Buck accepted understandingly. He deserved it. His work had to be perfect especially after going to such extreme measures to get back to it. But the worst, the worst was Eddie.
You're exhausting. The words replayed in Buck’s head as he continued to walk through the streets. He knew he was. He always had been but he thought he had finally found someone who saw that there was more to him. He thought he found someone who understood him, who liked to listen as he rambled over and over about the same old things, how he couldn’t sit still, how he always itched to be doing something. But that all fell away once he heard those words.
Buck could feel his eyes start to sting as the tears started to pool. His vision blurring. He continued to walk, haphazardly stepping aside trying his best not to walk into anything. He kept his mind clear for the rest of the walk trying his best to compose himself before getting to the station.
Before he knew it he found himself standing, on the other side of the road, in front of the station. He could feel his heart beat picking up as the sweat started to trickle down his skin. He clenched his hands, hissing as his nails dug into the blisters from earlier today. He sucked in a deep breath, You’re okay. You can do this, you’ve done this before. You were alone once and survived, you can do it again.
He swiped the back of his hand against his forehead, wiping the sweat as it began to bead. He looked down at his watch, his shift was starting in a few minutes so he couldn’t just stand here all day. He grabbed onto his bag strap and drew it closer, hoping the tightness would help ease the anxiety growing inside him. Looking left and right, he crossed the road. Time to face everyone.
“Oh look who decided to show up,” Bobby said, his eyes narrowing on Buck. Buck knew he looked a mess, his eyes were probably blood shot from holding his tears in from earlier, he was skinnier than before, he knew it by the way his clothes hung from his body and his hair was a mess. He had no motivation to look after himself these days and had let his curls grow more than before. “What makes you think you can be late?” Bobby asked crossing his arms. “Oh, sorry?” Buck replied, his response coming out more as a question than he had wanted. He knew he was on time but he couldn’t speak back to Bobby, he didn’t want to anyway. “You don’t sound sorry Evan,” Buck flinched at his name, he wasn’t used to the formality. “Go get changed, I want you to clean the whole station again. It wasn’t good enough yesterday.” Bobby continued. He gave Buck a look that Buck couldn’t quite place before walking off.
Buck looked up to see Hen and Chimney standing by the station kitchen, hands on the rails as they looked down at him. How symbolic, he thought. He tried to give them a small smile, Hen smiled back but it didn’t reach her eyes. Chimney on the other hand, he scoffed in Buck’s face and turned away as though the sight of Buc repulsed him.
Buck felt his hands begin to tremble as his breathing picked up. He tightened his fists, the bag strap digging into him the physical pain cutting through the emotional. Buck hadn’t seen Eddie yet which meant only one thing, he was in the locker room. Buck was nervous to enter not knowing what greeting he would get today. Some days Eddie would ignore him completely, even shaking his head instinctively at the sight of Buck, at others he would give him a small smile.
Buck took a deep breath, just as he was about to enter the locker room the door swung open hitting him straight in the face. Buck’s head flew back from the impact, pain exploding behind his eyes. “Holy shit, are you okay?” Eddie winced, Buck nodded slightly but stopped as his head began to spin. He clutched at his forehead which seemed to have taken the brunt of the hit. Eddie raised his arm, maybe to pat him or to check if he was actually okay but Buck saw the flicker of hesitation in his eyes as he lowered it a second later. “Sorry” Eddie whispered as he walked off.
Buck didn’t look back at Eddie. Instead he pushed through the locker room and made his way to the last locker. It was by the corner and was rusted slightly at the edges. No one used this locker. It was old and had a faint smell of mold due to it being in the corner. He had written his name on it with a sharpie the day he decided to store his things there, more so as a warning to the rest of the 118 that this is where he would be if they were trying to avoid him and it worked. They never did come to that part of the locker room.
Buck dropped his bag on the bench before him before pulling at the locker. It was always a bit tricky to open but with his hand and face in pain it seemed impossible. He tugged at the locker door with all the might he could muster until finally it swung open. The sudden movement caused Buck to lose his footing causing him to slip and fall backwards, his head colliding with the corner of a locker behind him.
He could feel the metal as it slipped between his curls and sliced through soft skin as he fell to the bench below him. Buck howled in pain before throwing his hand over his mouth muffling the sound. He sat there for a second, attempting to focus his eyes as the pain radiated from the back of his head. He sat there for a moment, breathing in and out trying to will the pain away. He wasn’t sure how long he was sat there for but he was brought back to his surroundings when the station alarm rang.
He opened his eyes, only just realising that they were closed. He heard the locker room door open, he didn’t try to move. He knew that he wasn’t seen, that’s why he chose this locker in the first place. Out of sight, out of mind. “We’re going on a call” Bobby’s voice was cold and distant, “make sure the station is cleaned by the time we’re back”. Buck cleared his throat, everything was spinning, “yes sir” he replied hoarsely. Bobby stood at the door for a moment longer before leaving, the door swinging in his absence.
He heard the murmurs of the team as they ran to the truck. The low hum of the engine as it drove away, leaving Buck all alone. Buck let out a sigh, he blinked a few times before sucking in a deep breath and releasing it seconds later. He did this a few times until the pain let up slightly. He threw his hands on his knees and pushed up slightly, the world tilting as he did. He threw his hand to the locker before him steadying himself before taking his uniform out of his bag. I deserve this, the pain, the loneliness, I caused all this.
Buck had finally changed, he was now in uniform. He looked at the white tee in his hand, the back collar was stained red with blood. Buck crumpled the shirt in his hands and threw it to the back of the locker. He slammed the locker door shut. His mind was hazy with pain and he had completely forgotten about his blood thinners. The pain was numbing, he hadn’t felt the collar of his uniform become slick with blood, he hadn’t realised the drops of blood he was leaving behind as he made his way to the cleaning supply closet. He didn’t know that this was the time to call for help, but he wouldn’t have anyway. He deserved this. Buck deserved every bad thing life threw at him.