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Knocking at the door rouses me from half-sleep. It’s after curfew, who could be at the door at this hour?
“El~! I’ve got something for you!” Tachyon chimes from behind the door.
Rubbing my eyes and putting on my mask, I open the door as enthusiastically as I can.
“Buenas Noches, Tachyon! What-!“ My speech is interrupted by the sight of… myself.
“Hello, El. An experiment of mine went a bit astray, and I ended up accidentally making a clone of you! She can’t be seen outside after curfew, so would you mind looking after her for tonight?” She half-asks, half-demands.
“Uh…? Sure…?” I’m still shocked. “How did you…?”
“Perfect! I’ll come by tomorrow to pick her up. Have fun~!” Tachyon bolts down the hallway as quickly as she arrived.
El Condor Pasa – me, or the other me, rather – stands in the hallway just as shocked as… Me.
“…can I come inside? It’s kind of cold in the hallway.” the other El asks. She doesn’t seem to be wearing much but a pair of uniform shoes and Tachyon’s coat. I couldn’t dare let myself be seen like that!
“Yes, yeah, b-bueno…” I stammer, ushering the mirror of myself into the room.
“The room’s… how I remember it!” the other me exclaims.
I cock my head as I close the door behind me. “How you remember it?”
“Yeah! Mambo’s cage, Grass’ bed… It’s all the same!”
“You have my memories?”
“I… guess so! I’m you, aren’t I? Or am I me? You’re you. I’m me. You’re me, I’m you…” Her voice trails off in a loop.
That makes enough sense. I think. So, she’s a clone of me. Dios Mío, Tachyon… I’m gonna make you regret this.
“…where is Grass, anyway?”
“You don’t know?”
“No…? She’s alright, right?”
“Yeah, she’s on a training trip with her team.”
That has caught me off guard. She doesn’t know everything, it looks like.
She nods her head. “Ah.” she mutters, sitting on my (her? Our?) unmade bed.
I’m still kind of confused.
I sit next to her. “What’s your name, anyway? You can’t be El Condor Pasa, I’m El Condor Pasa.”
“Why not?” She pouts.
I… actually can’t think of a reason why not. She’s me, after all, right? A few things are missing, but she’s me.
My mouth hangs agape as she thinks.
The other me chimes in after a moment.
“Everyone calls me- Er, you, El, right? How about Pasa?”
“Calling you Pasa?”
“Yeah! It’s another part of our name, right?
“I guess that works…?” I trail off, as ‘Pasa’ gets up from the bed and goes to inspect Mambo’s covered cage.
She looks over the few scattered birdseed around the base of the cage. “We fed him tonight, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but you weren’t here for that.”
“That’s good. Mambo’s been with me for a very long time. I’d hate for anything bad to happen to him,” Pasa says as she turns back to me. “But I guess you already knew that, right?”
I giggle. “Yeah! Mambo’s been by my side my whole life!”
“My side… Our side?” Pasa questions, her head cocking.
Hm. That’s actually pretty cute.
“I guess so!”
We share a chuckle with each other, but silence catches up to us.
Looking at myself without a mask… I’m actually cute. No wonder Grass loves me, I’d love me.
I’d love me? I do love me. I’d go as far as to say I’d kiss me.
Is that weird?
Pasa turns back to me and sits down.
“Um, I have a weird question to ask.” She asks, timidly.
“Sure! I don’t think I’d have an answer you don’t already know, though…”
“Have you ever thought about kissing… you? Yourself?”
I try to stammer out an answer. “Sometimes, maybe…? Um, mostly when- “
“When Grass tells me I’m a good kisser?” Pasa interrupts with a giggle.
I giggle in kind. “Yeah!”
Pasa plays with the seam of Tachyon’s lab coat. “…do you want to?”
I don’t know what to say. I’ve never thought about it too hard…
I guess…
“…Why not?” I answer, a curious smile on my face.
Pasa giggles again, holding the side of my face the same way Grass does… I guess I’d know what comforts me. I’m melting into my own touch, how embarrassing…
She pulls me in close and I can feel her breath shake in the same way mine does. It’s hesitant, but wanting.
This is fine, right? This isn’t weird… it’s just like kissing a mirror, right?
I tear my gaze from her lips to her eyes as she does the same with me. Her eyes are…
…beautiful. Sapphires stare at me from inches away. Is this how Grass feels? I could really get lost in them.
The tension breaks when Pasa starts laughing.
“You’re blushing so hard, El!” She says between breaths.
We share in the moment, and I pull my hand up to hold hers to my face. Her smile accents the blush in her cheeks.
Again, we pull close. Closer, and closer, inch by inch…
Our lips barely even make contact before I’m lost.
It feels… weird. Good weird. Interesting. Why does kissing myself feel so good? Is it meant to? It can’t be.
My free hand fiddles with the bedsheets, searching for anything to ground me. The feeling is eschewed by Pasa’s hand finding my own and intertwining our fingers.
I feel her tongue begging for entry and I can’t do anything but let her. Our tongues dance with each other, the taste of my own saliva intoxicating me.
She pulls our heads apart and back together in exactly the way I know I would want it to. Am I really this good of a kisser? My heart is racing in a way I’ve only ever felt on the track or with Grass.
Moans involuntarily escape into the air in the brief moments our lips create an opening. I can’t tell who they belong to anymore, me or Pasa. She’s so good at this…
Pasa pulls us apart, her eyes wider than I could imagine they could go.
She’s – we’re – almost hyperventilating. I can feel a saliva trail still joining us together, begging us to keep going.
“…Wow.” We mutter at the same time.
We try our best not to laugh at it.
We fail.
Our hands fall from my face as we reach into an embrace with each other. Pasa’s fingers unlock from mine as she rubs my forearm.
“…You’re really pretty, El.”
“Says me.”
Pasa giggles and places her head into my neck the same way I do with Grass.
It’s nice. Comforting. I never thought how it’d feel for her when I do that…
After a little time spent cuddling, a yawn rushes from my throat.
It’s late, after all.
She pulls her head up from my shoulder.
“Should we… go to bed, maybe?”
“Mhm… I haven’t gotten much rest tonight.”
“We still have a spare pair of pyjamas, right? I’m still…”
Pasa flaps the overly-large sleeves of Tachyon’s lab coat to emphasise her unspoken words.
“Yeah, uh, you know where they are, right?”
That feels a bit rude…
“I think so… Unless you’ve moved them in the last day or so. However long our gap in memory is.” Pasa stands up, walks over and reaches into the wardrobe, and pulls out my spare set of pyjamas.
“Do you want me to…” I stutter. “T-turn around?”
“It’s not anything you haven’t seen, is it?” Pasa half-questions.
Without another word, Pasa disrobes from Tachyon’s lab coat to reveal she’s not actually wearing anything underneath.
“O-oh…” I stammer, before shifting my gaze in the other direction. Her body’s so toned. Perfect for racing. It’s experienced. Her skin looked so soft…
I can hear her button the front of the pyjama shirt and pull up the matching pants. Pasa walks over to Grass’ vacant bed, sits on it, and reaches up to her face before catching herself.
“Oh, right,” Pasa coughs dejectedly. “I don’t… have your mask.”
I didn’t even think about that. She’s got the same attachment to Dad’s mask as I do… but we only have one to share between us. That’s… going to be an issue.
“Uh, we have the masks Trainer got with me… Or the one for that fantasy play we did with Grass and Gold Ship…?”
“We can worry about that tomorrow, I think…” Pasa sighs. “Sorry, El.”
She’s really sad about it. I can only imagine.
“You can… borrow the mask, if you want.” I offer.
“…I don’t want people to get us confused. I’ll probably take one of the other masks we have.”
She’s really not doing well.
She’s fiddling with Grass’ neatly made bedsheets. I want to do something for her…
“Do you want to, um… share the bed?”
“What do you mean, share?”
“I mean, it’s not like… We’re the same, right? We can share a bed. It won’t be weird, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Sure, sure. I’ve already kissed you tonight, what’s sleeping together?” She giggles under her breath.
Pasa stands back up and steps over to my bed as I step up myself and turn off the room light.
She pulls the sheets up over herself before remembering I have to get in too, and opens the side of them.
Laying down next to… myself, is a new experience. It’s a very familiar weight. I’ve already gotten lost in her eyes once tonight.
When I put my head on the pillow, I remember I still have my mask on. Reaching up to take it off, Pasa stops me.
“…can I?”
I nod a breathless yes.
Pasa very slowly takes the corner of my mask and pulls it up off my head.
Her touch is so light, like she’s scared I’ll run or flinch.
When she finally has the mask off my face, she stops for a second.
She places the mask on the pillow between us and stares at it. She’s conflicted… How do you empathise with someone going through an identity crisis?
How do you help someone who, with their whole heart, knows they’re not the real version of themselves?
And how do you help them as the real version?
“I’m sorry, Pasa.” I mutter.
“…you have nothing to apologise for, El.”
She throws Dad’s mask across the room.
“I’m just not real enough for it.”
Tears start to well in her eyes, cut off by her closing them. I can hear her stifle sobs.
“Pasa…?” I ask.
“…yeah?”
“You’re real to me.”
Pasa giggles a little bit as a tear rolls down the side of her face. “You would say that, wouldn’t you?”
I reach my hand up and wipe it away with my thumb.
“You know I would.”
I hold her face the same way she did for me. She gently, gently cries as I hold her.
Pasa sniffles and pulls my hand away. “I think we should sleep now, El… I don’t wanna make the pillow gross.”
“Sure, sure.”
I lean over and give Pasa a little kiss on the cheek, matched with a little giggle.
“Goodnight, Pasa…”
“Goodnight, El.”
Sleep envelops us both sooner rather than later, and I pray that the night lasts just a little bit longer.
But I know it won’t.