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His hand had frozen right before he could knock. Was it a good idea to wake STL up at this hour? The team leader was already tired enough with the usual amount of sleep. But BB needed to talk to someone right now, someone who could distract him from the whirlwind of thoughts that clouded his brain. F was out of the question, as were the researchers and CH was the last person he wanted to see right now. That only left STL. He grumbled to himself before he finally knocked on the door of STL‘s dorm.
It was quiet for a moment, before BB could hear some shuffling coming from behind the door. „One moment.“ STL’s tired voice sounded, muffled by the door. He had most likely woken him up. Footsteps could be heard approaching the door. When it opened, a very sleepy STL looked up at him. „Ah, BB. You look … terrible.“ BB only let out an annoyed huff. „I am aware of that.“ From what he had seen in the mirror earlier, terrible was an apt descriptor of his current appearance. His red eyes, dark circles and disheveled hair painted a perfect picture of how exactly he felt right now.
Sighing and rubbing his temples STL stepped aside to let him enter his dorm. „Come in. I'm not gonna talk to you out here. You probably need some company. Am I correct with that assumption?“ BB only nodded as a response, yet he hesitated to step inside. It felt strange to enter the team leader's private space. The slightly shorter man watched him patiently, having picked up on BB‘s hesitance. „I can promise you that my dorm is not gonna bite you. If that makes you feel a bit more confident to step inside.“ He gave STL a confused look, the man's jokes were still as bizarre as ever. But that was exactly what he needed right now. It even caused BB to let out a small chuckle.
Somehow that did convince him to finally step inside. STL let out a positive hum behind him, and closed the door. Walking past BB, he waved him to follow. As they went further inside, he looked around a bit. It was a surprisingly small room, with almost everything within reach of the bed, with storage easily accessible from it, furthermore there were quite a few different seating options around. The team leader ambled over to one of the armchairs and sunk into it with a relieved groan. “Come on, sit down as well. Don't want you just standing there ominously.” Pulling out the chair from the desk BB took a seat, leaned back and proceeded to stare up at the ceiling.
“You don’t seem too surprised that I showed up.” Out of the corner of his eye he could see STL shrugging, a tired smile on his face. “I would have preferred if you had decided to talk about it in the morning and not at 2 am, but as your team leader I have the responsibility to make sure that you’re alright.” He leaned over to the table next to him and retrieved a water bottle from on top of it. “Also want some water?” He asked BB, shooting him an inquisitive look. “Sure. My body probably needs it.” Taking another bottle, it seemed for a moment if STL was debating standing up or not. Opting for the latter, he called: “Here catch.” The man waited for BB to look in his direction before he threw the bottle in his direction, not wanting to hit him accidentally. Skillfully BB caught it and took a long sip. It did feel good to get some hydration after having cried so much in the past hours.
There was an awkward silence for a bit as neither of the two men spoke. The team leader most likely wanted to wait for BB to initiate the conversation. With how stubborn the man was, that was the best course of action.
“Did you ever recruit someone you … befriended beforehand?” The older man raised an eyebrow at the question. “Befriended? Sure, let's go with that BB.” STL’s voice was laden with skepticism and all BB could do was stare with a mortified expression. How did he know about that? How could he tell? “You know you’re just proving my suspicion right, by looking at me like that.” Fuck he forgot that he didn’t have his mask on. Shocked beyond belief, he stood up and tried to take a step back in the direction of the door, but stopped when STL called after him. “BB sit back down. I'm not gonna let you wake me up at 2 am because you want to talk to me about your feelings, just for you to instantly try to leave again after I made a very obvious observation about your current emotional dilemma.”
He knew the older man was right about it, but it still felt the sudden urge to flee the situation. His hands curled into fists as he hissed out a response. “I only realized that when CH woke up, how the hell can you know about it?” He could hear STL let out a groan of frustration from behind him, like he was in disbelief about the words he was hearing. “Ok that just exacerbates the situation. Now sit back down. I’m not gonna leave you wallowing in your own self loathing till morning.”
BB grumbled in frustration, as he sat back down on the chair angrily, looking away from STL in silent protest. “So you didn’t know that you cared that much about him, more than a friend?” The question was spoken carefully by the team leader, even if his tone held a tinge of annoyance at BB’s behavior. He observed the younger man carefully, a range of emotions seemed to cycle on BB’s face before he settled on an answer STL. “Obviously not. I probably wouldn't … fuck, no i still would have offered him to join us. Because otherwise I would have lost him too.” BB sounded exasperated as he spoke. "It was either getting him without memories or never seeing him again." He grimaced in anger. "But I did not want him to be so disconcertingly jovial like that! That's not him. And I did not want Lenny to die." The words were that of a restrained shout, BB holding himself back from waking up the rest of the team.
He could feel the tears building in his eyes again, which for some reason drove him even greater anger. "It's not your fault she died, you know that? Her blood is not on your hands." STL calmly interjected. The team leader's fingers quietly drummed against the arm rest. "Why does it feel like my fault then?! I was the one that asked Eden for more Egg Samples for Contact. He went into the Nest because of me. Lenny got injured because of that request. He only accepted because he needed medicine for her. She was the light of his life, STL!" His words became a growl and he whipped his head around to finally look at STL again.
Tears were streaming down his face now as he fumed with anger. But he froze for a second as he was stuck by the sigh of the surprised expression on the older man's face. "What! Why are you looking at me like that?” The words tumbled out “How dare you look at me like that." He snarled as he slammed his fist onto the table. The boiling blood rushing through his veins felt ablaze. Why! Why were his eyes so condemning? "I never expected to witness you cry BB, because I know you would never let me see you like that."
Something in those words made BB let out a quiet sob, anger ebbed away, causing him to bury his face in his hands. The team leader was right about that, he would never have. But now? Everything had changed, his tiny world had crumbled before him in the span of an hour. Now naught but a husk remained, the remnants of his old world dripped away like blood from an open wound.
He had not noticed that STL stood up from his seat, till he could hear the scraping of wood beside him. The team leader had pulled out the second chair directly at his side and sat down, flinching as the other man gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "BB look at me please." A shiver went through BB's whole body at the concerned voice of STL, but he spread his fingers slightly so could glance through them at his team leader. He was greeted by a tired face painted with worry. "I forgot to ask last time, but do you want me to give you a hug?"
The question caused what little restraint he had left to snap and his body shook with intensifying sobs. "Please." The plea was barely audible beneath the weeping, but STL seemed to have understood, as he pulled BB to his chest. He buried his face in the team leader's shoulder and hands moved around him to grip into the shirt at the other man's back.
STL held him carefully as if he feared moving too much would shatter the man in his arms like glass in one wrong move. "Do you really trust me this much?" It was barely but a whisper, more a rhetorical question the team leader posed himself than he did BB. If he was honest with himself, BB didn't know why he had trusted STL with this, it wasn't just due to the lack of a favourable option. At this point it had become clear to him that the older man had become a friend over the years they had worked together. But did that also mean being this vulnerable with him? Was it instinctual trust at this point? Ingrained in him from all the deadly situations they had found themselves in, dying alongside each other so many times.
His head hurt. This was not the time to question his trust in STL, the only thing that mattered was that he was there for BB right now. Anything else he could think about another time.
As he continued to cling onto STL, the other man rubbed slow circles on BB's back, head leaning against BB’s. His breathing had slowed down noticeably, almost if the team leader was about to fall asleep. "Can I stay? I don't want to be alone till morning?" BB quietly asked, having gotten the feeling that if he didn't ask now, STL would doze off before he could. A very sleepy hum sounded, as STL thought about it. "If you want to." He mumbled, followed by a yawn. "If you still need a hug, we should move off the chairs though. I don't want to wake up by falling onto the floor again."
A small snort escaped BB as he asked. "Again?" He could feel STL shrugging. "Happens more often than I'd like, due to my fatigue. Unfortunately I am on a regular chair when that happens a lot of the time." BB laughed a bit as he let go of STL so he could stand up. The older man stretched as he rose to his feet, looking at the still seated BB he asked once again. "Still need a hug after this?" He thought about it for a bit. He had needed that hug, but now thanks to it he felt more stable again. But it was so nice to be held. "Don't think I 'need' one, but I won't say no to the offer." A tired smile appeared on STL's face at BB's words.
He watched from the chair as STL walked over to his bed, where after dimming the light he just let himself fall backwards on top of it with a relieved sigh. Patting the blanket next to him, he beckoned for BB to join him. Rising to his feet, overcome with exhaustion, he wobbled a bit as he stood. "Are you alright?" The team leader asked, a concerned tone in his voice. "Exhausted, a bit dizzy. But better otherwise." BB replied, carefully walking over after having taken a second to adjust to standing. "Good. We both need some sleep." The smile returned to STL's face, watching BB as he sat down on the bed next to him.
"Is it really ok for me to stay here?" The little piece of doubt still echoed in BB's head, hesitation halting his actions. "Of course. Now come here." Opening his arms in invitation, STL smiled softly at him. Giving in he turned around and laid down in the other man's arms, they wrapped around him as soon as he settled in the embrace.
BB didn't remember the last time he had lain in bed with another person, so incredibly close he could hear the others' heartbeat beneath him, feel them breathing. Not while he had been with Contact. If it had happened before that point, those memories were long gone. But why was it so comforting then? Why did it feel right?
One of STL's hands wandered up his back till it reached the back of BB's head, where he began to gently run his fingers through the younger man's hair. A slight shiver went down BB's spine, leading him to cling tighter to STL. He could feel the rumble in STL’s chest as he let out a slight chuckle, and he continued to run his fingers through BB's hair. The motion was incredibly calming. Finally closing his eyes, he tried to relax and found it surprisingly easy with how tired he was and the warmth around him. He wished he could stay like this forever.
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He could feel breathing beneath him.
Breathing?
What?
Slowly opening his eyes BB could see the interior of a room that was not his own. He felt strangely warm and cozy, feelings that were memories of a long gone past. Was this a dream? Slowly tilting his head upwards, he could see STL's still sleeping face. BB finally remembered where he was. This was STL's room. The older man beneath him still had his arms wrapped around him, even deep within his sleep. BB did not dare to move more, he had already woken him up in the middle of the night, so he should just let him sleep. He looked around to see if he could spy a clock somewhere in the room, but was unsuccessful. There was an alarm clock behind on the nightstand if he remembered correctly, but turning his head to the other side could disturb STL. Then his only option was to wait.
He did sleep surprisingly well, but he still could feel the exhaustion from the day before linger deep in his bones. Even with all the death happening, that had probably been the worst day of his remembered life. It still pained him so much. Every time he thought of Eden and Lenny he wanted to cry again. Why did he never truly realize how much they meant to him until it was too late. Well, he still had to look at Eden, what was left of him at least. Recalling how CH had acted yesterday, so incredibly joyous and silly, that wasn't Eden anymore. And he would have to see him every day like that. Again and again. He could feel dread at seeing him later building.
At the least, he could rely on STL, without him he would be in an even worse state now. It stung a bit that giving his team leader a visit was actually the right choice. He didn't like to let people see him so vulnerable, he despised being judged. Yet STL only chided him for waking him up and his initial dishonesty. Those were reasonable things that one could judge his actions for. However stupid they had been. In hindsight BB should have taken the other man's offer to stay with him as soon as he broke down. It might have been easier that way. Because being held like he now was, grounded him more than he liked to admit to himself. He didn't want it to be over.
As the alarm suddenly rang, it felt like BB jumped out of his own skin. If STL hadn't woken up from the alarm he surely did when BB flinched so hard that he broke out of the hold that the team leader had him locked in. "Urgh. BB?" The older man blinked slowly up at him as he sat up, the alarm blared in the background. "Ah … right. Could you turn it off for me? I can really move as you're sitting on my legs." Frozen for a moment, BB just stared at STL, processing what was going on. Another flinch went through his body as he finally managed to get moving, scrambling over to the nightstand to switch it off. As he was there already he turned the light on.
Sighing at the pleasant silence, BB heard STL moving behind him. "Good Morning BB. Hope you slept well." Turning back around to the team leader he could see STL, who had sat up, smiling at him. "Morning … Uh … better than the first few hours. No nightmare." He suddenly felt a bit exposed, spending the majority of this day wearing a mask had its advantage. The other man raised an eyebrow in concern as he responded. "Good that you slept well, but you had a nightmare before you came over? Why didn't you say anything?" BB buried his fingers in the bed sheet below before nervously shrugging. "I don't know. There was so much going inside my head and still is. I don't know how to talk about most of it." It was much harder to actually be honest about his feelings, now that exhaustion did not keep his guard down.
"I see. I'm just worried about you BB. I expected you to take it badly, but not as intensely as it actually turned out to be. That you trust me enough to share even a little bit with me, still has me more than astonished." STL genuinely sounded worried for him. It didn't surprise BB that STL had not expected him to be open about anything like this. After all he had been notoriously reticent in all the years they had known each other. "Didn't think i would let you yesterday either. Now here I am, defying both of our expectations."
Both of them fell silent, BB felt more than awkward now. He glanced back at the alarm clock, and saw it was shortly after 7 am, he decided it was time to leave. "I should go … we both have to be ready in an hour." STL let out an agreeing hum. "We should, yes." The argument was sound, but why did BB then find himself hesitating to stand up. Why did he want to stay? He didn't want to go beyond the door, where there was a risk of seeing CH. In here he was hidden away, but he would get in trouble for not showing up to work. Responsibilities, oh how he sometimes resented them.
He shook his head and cleared his thoughts for the moment, then finally stood up. "Thanks for letting me stay. It helped a lot." As he went to leave STL gently stopped him with a hand on his arm, and that same gentle smile on his face that he had seen during their nightly talk. "You're free to come by after work if you want and anytime you need. My door is always open for you, BB." He found those words soothing for some reason. "Even if it's in the middle of the night again?" He asked STL curiously. "Even then." The older man's words drew a small smile from him. Lowering his hand, STL let him leave.
"See you in an hour then, STL." BB mumbled before he crossed the threshold of the room, trying to not stop and stay. "Later, BB." Looking at STL one last time he could see the other almost smirk at him as he called after him. That only caused BB to speed up, so that he would not instantly turn around to sit back down next to him. What a dangerous situation he had found himself in. Making it through the door he could only hear the team leader quietly laugh in the background.
Whatever waited for him outside for the rest of the day dreaded him, but at least now he knew that there was someone who cared about him. Someone to talk to. And that made him feel content for a little while.
STL on the other hand had come to the realization that BB was the densest person he had ever met.