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The nighttime haunted him the worst, every memory coming back to haunt him when he closed his eyes, the nightmares kept a strong hold on him, and it took every sense of mental strength from him.
It started long before Logan was taken but worsened after he was. The haunting image of his own Father dying, the hatred towards Rourke, Riley getting injured, and then the hit to the head, the sight of that damn man dragging his younger brother away. It was too much.
Five months into the search for Logan, exhausting every source and using everything they had, they still couldn't even catch the scent.
Logan was gone, no mention of the soldier anywhere, even when raiding spots that Rorke was rumored to be in. Hesh was losing his mind, barely sleeping at night and even when he did, he'd wake up somewhere new. First it was waking up outside the base, no shoes or sometimes no shirt, then came the times he found himself in Logan's room, next to his own. Sometimes he would end up in his father's too.
Around that time, like usual, it was Keegan finding him. Always waking Hesh up, cleaning any wounds he gained from the sleepwalking, then sending him on his way back to the room like he was a shepherd guiding his herd home. He was always that quiet force, one that was hard to ignore yet easy to miss.
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It had been a year now since Rourke took Logan, the nightmares got worse and his self-harming thoughts grew more. Every enemy encounter ended in wounds; fights that the soldier could handle well enough, still ended in near death moments.
Keegan had enough, everyone could understand the boy's despair and stress of losing not just one but both his family members to the same man but nothing good was coming from his self-destructive ways. He started small with soft pat on the guy's shoulder, then rubbing the back of his neck firmly, running his hand up and down his back. It wasn't much but Hesh really felt it, a constant presence.
When he first showed up to Keegan's door, there were no questions, no words exchanged, just a look of admittance and guilt. He let that now familiar hand guide him through the room, to the bed where he sat at the end of it. His hands gripping the waist of the other, Hesh's face nuzzling against Keegan's clothed abdomen while the other's hand gently played with his hair. He closed his eyes as he let that feeling run chills all over his skin, shaky breaths leaving his skin bitten lips as he took in every deep breath, aided by Keegan's scent.
They stayed like that for a good few minutes, the only light illuminating them being the field lamp outside the window, the fluorescent blue creating a more somber mood. Finally, after so long, Keegan spoke.
"You come to me," his voice low and easy, something effortless yet meaningful towards the lost man. "When you feel like dying, you come to me. Understood?" His command was like a railing, firm and reliable enough to keep Hesh standing and he took it. His fingers tightened their grip on his shirt's fabric, his lips parting to respond but the only thing that came out was a choked sob followed by shaky whines. He couldn't speak, couldn't respond, couldn't even tell him he was fine and that he wasn't trying to die but the realization was too much.
He wasn't trying to die, not on purpose but he couldn't help thinking about it. It had to be his fault, he couldn't save his own father nor his own brother, he should have forced himself up to fight Rourke every time, but he couldn't. If only he had—
A firm grip on his chin lifting his head up snapped him out of his mind, his eyes opening to find the dimly lit eyes of his fellow soldier staring down at him. It stumbled out before he could stop anything, "It's all my fault."
It broke out like a secret given to a child, but Hesh wasn't a child, He was a grown man with real responsibilities and very real problems. "I couldn't save dad. Logan is gone because of me, probably dead somewhere thinking his big brother doesn't care for him, thinking his big brother forgot about him but I didn't," his lips wouldn't stop moving, his mind was spiraling and everything was going wrong, "I wouldn't do that. I love Logan, I love my Little brother, he's all I have." Running out of breath, he finally stopped, gasping for air as it left him too.
His ragged breathing continued as he tried to pull his face away from the ruff fingers gripping his chin, but Keegan's hand stayed put, pulling him back to look at him. "Enough kid." His thumb rubbed at his jaw, a calming force that rivaled that of the fear and distress in the air.
"None of that nonsense, you need to get your head back in the game, you're a ghost." He said, finally letting go but his hand never moving too far as it resumed its past position on his head, scratching out the stress gaining in the lieutenant's head. "Logan knows you would never stop looking for him. He knows this and you know he would rather you alive and well when we find him." Keegan finally steps away, removing his hand and Hesh's hands from his waist. Kneeling down, he takes hold of the boots that Hesh completely forgot he was wearing and quietly removed them, one by one.
Listening to the sniffles from above him, looking up at him after he finally finished removing the footwear, placing them to the side near his very own neatly. "Let's do it this way; when you're scared, tired or can't sleep, you come here." He offers, standing up and taking the other's trembling hand to guide him up, "I want to hear you say that you understand." He added, rubbing his thumb against his wrist, feeling the pulse. His eyes trained on Hesh's, the man shaking from the sight.
With that, Hesh nodded and gathered the courage to speak. "Understood."