Work Text:
Dear Basketball,
I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t think you’ll ever read this— I don’t think I want you to read this. But I wish I had said this all earlier.
I’m not used to being vulnerable. I’ve never been sensitive before. My whole life, I had to be strong- I made myself be strong. I don’t remember why. I never really cared why.
But spending time with you… I don’t know. Changed me. You changed me, and I never even realized it. I didn’t realize I’d gotten soft around you, around Grassy. Hell, even around Bell, who I used to call weak and useless because she didn’t have arms or legs. I stopped doing that. I stopped doing that because of you.
I didn’t know how much you meant to me before you were gone.
And I hate it. I hate this stupid ache in my chest every time I think about you, about when you disappeared. I hate the way I panicked. I hate the way my heart races when I think about it. The way my eyes burn. It makes me feel weak, but I can’t help it. For once I can’t hold back these stupid tears.
And I still can’t be mad at you.
I can’t be mad at how you make me feel, because when I’m around you I don’t feel like I need to be strong, I don’t feel like I have to prove myself. I don’t know when it happened- when we stopped hating each other and started… Being whatever this is. I’m literally writing a letter to a dead woman because I can’t think of what else to do. Because if I don’t I might hurt someone. Isn’t that cheesy? My younger self would be making fun of me right now, calling me a loser.
I don’t feel like one right now. I should, but I don’t.
You see me. You see me past the anger, the— the bigotry. The idiocy. I never thought someone so smart could see me as anything but a huge idiot with an ego too big for him. But you do. You see me as more. And it scares me. It terrifies me. I’m not used to being scared.
I can’t tell what this is. This warmth. This hole in my chest. It’s stupid but thrilling at the same time. But I don’t want it to end.
I don’t know where you are. But I hope you come back soon. Because I miss you. Because I… I don’t know. I want you to come back. I want to hear your grating voice again. I don’t want you to be gone forever.
Please. Please come back.
-Yours,
Snowball.