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Regulus knew who he was from an early age.
He saw no difference in him and his brother except their hair and voices, which Sirius' seemed to continually grow a bit deeper as he got older.
His parents didnt seem to understand, but that was okay. He could deal with that.
Regulus could deal with a lot of things, really.
Like when Sirius went off to Hogwarts and Regulus no longer had his brother to look to when he needed help with his own schoolwork, or wanted to play a game of chess. Sirius was off at school then, and he would just have to occupy himself in new ways. So he started to help Kreacher around the house, doing the easy chores like dishes or laundry. Regulus found it calming.
Or even the time in first year that Regulus had looked at his brother's best friend, James Potter, and his heart suddenly jumped. That was Sirius' friend, so he would just supress that funny feeling he got around James.
He could even deal with the comments he got from some of the older Slytherin boys, ones who claimed Regulus didnt belong in the boys dorms, and who shouted nasty things as he walked past.
But here at 13 years old, Regulus had no idea what to do when he woke up in morning to find that what his mother had been warning him about for years had finally happened.
Regulus had gotten his period.
At first, he had thought he might be dying. He had called out to Barty and Evan to tell them that he was going to the hospital wing, but that had just gotten Barty questioning him and Evan watching curiously.
"What's happened?" "You hurt?" "Can i come with you, i dont wanna go to classes today." "What do you mean 'Its Private,' Reg, we live in the same dorm for fuck's sake, ill figure it out eventually." were just some of the things Barty had hurriedly said as Regulus gathered his things and walked out the door.
Madam Pomfrey wasnt too busy that morning, so he walked in, and told her what he had woken up to. She looked a him sympathetically, taking in a breath before breaking the news to him.
"You're not dying, dear. You've just gotten your period, thats all." She explained to him in greater, and probably less biased and more understandable, detail what had happened.
By the end of it, Regulus was thoroughly mortified, but the medi-witch didnt seem to notice his feelings. She handed him a pain potion for in case he had cramps, and gave him a few pads(after having explained how to use them), and sent him on his way back to class.
He didnt talk to his friends throughout his classes, or at lunch or dinner. And by the next day, he was feeling worse about it than before.
Pandora seemed to be the only one of his friends who noticed his slight change in demeanor. instead of the normally cold sort of unpleasant look he had, Regulus wore a slightly pained sort of unpleasant look. And, as Pandora seemed to always know when something was wrong, Regulus confessed to her what had happened.
"Oh, thats awful, Reggie. But dont worry, i have plenty of potions you can use for cramps. And if you need i can get you some products, and is there anything you want to eat maybe?"
Regulus was thankful for Pandora, though he still felt extremely wrong.
"Im good, Panda, thanks.."
He looked away from her, because he knew if he looked at her she would know just how not good he was.
***
The next day was the same. He woke up in pain, groaned and drank some potion, the went to the bathroom.
He was on his last potion and pad that Pomfrey had given him, but he was in too much pain and too tired to think about getting more before the day started. He still hadnt told Barty or Evan, but he knew they were smart and would figure it out, so what was the point in telling them?
After he changed into his robes for classes, he decided he would start walking with Evan and Barty again, but probably wouldnt say much to them. And as the three of them walked to class, the two other boys seemed to just accept that Reg wasnt in the “talking mood,” so Barty chatted Evan’s ear off instead of Reg’s.
Just as they were about to round a corner to get to class, an unexpected person called out behind them.
“Reggie! Hey! Reg!”
Regulus know Sirius’ voice anywhere.
It was loud. It was annoying. It was deep naturally and it made him sound older than he actually was. But he knew his brothers voice.
He turned around to look and Sirius.
“You two get on to class. Ill be in in a minute.”
Barty nodded and took Evan’s hand, and walked into the classroom, but a hint of worried had shown on his face.
Regulus ignored it.
Instead he stared at Sirius.
“What do you want?”
Sirius walked closer to him.
“Sorry to bother you while you were with your friends, but Pomfrey told me what happened. Ive been looking for you since yesterday, how are you holding up? Do you need anything?”
Regulus’ eyes widened a bit. “Keep your voice down, Sirius. I dont want all of the castle knowing…Im fine. You can go.”
Sirius didn’t leave. He had a sort of shocked look, and a slightly disbelieving one.
“Reggie, Im your brother. Im worried about you. I know it cant be easy dealing with the physical pain, as well as the um…Whats it called..?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Dysphoria.”
“Yes, that. I know thats not easy. And i want you to know, im here for you. You’re still my baby brother, no matter how much you avoid me.”
Regulus rolled his eyes again. He thought it was stupid, Sirius missing class just to tell him that he could come to him. He knew he could. He just didnt want to.
Sirius had already taken care of him, and then he had left. And then Regulus was on his own. And he learned how to cope with things. He also learned to be independent.
He didnt need his brother all the time.
Though, somewhere deep inside him, Regulus would never admit it out loud, but he was glad his brother had come to tell him that. Sirius still cared, even though Regulus acted like he didnt.
“I have class. You also have class.” Regulus turned around and walked into class, without looking back at Sirius. But by the loud, disappointed sigh, he could tell Sirius had hesitantly accepted that Regulus wasnt going to ask for help.
***
That evening in the Great Hall was admittedly when Regulus had felt the worst.
After his conversation with Sirius, he realized that he had been numb to all emotions, because now he felt all of them so strongly. Especially dysphoria. It had been there of course, but he had been trying to block it out, or ignore it, but now that he had admitted it to someone out loud, it felt like it was hitting him like a ton of bricks.
Not to mention the physical pain. He had run out of potion by now, and he was having really bad cramps. He didn’t want to eat.
Barty and Evan had concerned looks on their faces, and then they finally realized what was going on. They didn’t mention it, but Regulus knew by the look of pity that had transformed from the concern.
It was overwhelming
He wanted out of the great hall. He could feel Sirius’s eyes burning a hole into his back, he could feel his friends’ pitying looks..He hated it. He felt sick. He wanted to leave and go back to his dorm and just lay in his bed.
He hoped that one day he didn’t have to deal with this all. It was torture. It reminded him that he wasn’t normal.
He usually didn’t listen to those types of comments, but right now his mind could only think about how abnormal of a guy he was. And he hated it.
The feeling finally really captured him and he knew he had to leave.
So without saying a word to his friends, he got up, and started for the door to the Great Hall. He held his head up, despite the pain and discomfort, something he had learned years ago. He knew Sirius would see him. He knew sirius would notice how he bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from crying. He knew Sirius would try and fix it, but he really could not deal with his brother right now. They maybe will talk about it at home, but now just wasn’t the time.
Just as he was walking out of the doors, Regulus saw a figure walking toward him out of the corner of his eye. He knew it was Sirius.
Regulus kept walking.
He didn’t need his brother.
He could handle it.
He walked down the hall. He didn’t even know where he was going. He was just trying to get as much distance as he could.
“Hey, Regulus!”
Regulus knew that voice.
But it wasn’t Sirius.
“Potter?”
Regulus kept walking.
”Are you alright?”
Regulus didn’t respond, his pace quickening again.
Why was James Potter trying to talk to him? Regulus knew James didn’t like him much. Regulus was usually rude to him.
“I just want to know your okay. You looked uncomfortable in there.”
“You can tell Sirius that i’m fine.”
“But you’re not.”
Regulus stopped for a moment. He hadn’t expected James to outright say that.
He finally stopped walking and turned around, looking directly at Potter.
“What do you know, Potter? Who are you to tell me i’m not fine?”
He sounded more bratty than he had meant. He had wanted to sound sarcastic and cool.
James gave him a sort of look.
“Look, Sirius didn’t tell me what’s going on. Didn’t have to. I wanted to check on you myself.”
Regulus looked at him for a long moment.
James actually wanted to check on him, without prompting from sirius? That was unlikely.
“Sure.”
James shook his head.
“Its true Reg.”
“Regulus.”
“Whatever. Regulus. What’s going on? I can tell that your in pain.”
Regulus knew one thing; James was persistent. He wasn’t going to give up. He had seen it for years. Anytime the boy wanted something, he fought until he got it.
Regulus, however, was stubborn too. He wasn’t about to let James Potter break him that easily.
“I said i’m fine, James. Why do you care so much anyway?”
“I dunno, i mean. You are my best friends little brother. But also…I just..I want to make sure your alright.”
Regulus looked at him.
“I don’t buy it.”
“You don’t have to. I just thought…” James seemed to actually think for once in his life. “I thought maybe you would feel better talking about it to an..indifferent party. Someone who won’t already have tons of opinions, and can just listen.”
Well. Regulus did think that idea might be nice.
He wasn’t still hesitant.
“How am i to know that you won’t go around telling all your friends?”
“I won’t! I won’t even tell sirius, though i’m pretty sure he knows already.”
Regulus thought for a bit longer before sighing.
“Fine. Whatever. Yeah.”
“You’ll talk to me?” James looked a little too happy. Regulus wanted to punch his stupid face. But then again, that would mess his face up, so Regulus let that feeling go.
“I said yes you idiot. Just not here.”
Regulus took James’ wrist and walked with him to the Slytherin dormitory. When they were inside of Regulus’ dorm, he cast a silencing spell over the room, just in case anyone walked by.
He then sat on his bed, which had a few of his old things that he would never admit to keeping. Such as a pink baby blanket, which he reached out and rubbed between his fingers as he thought about what to say.
James looked around, Regulus noticed, but didn’t say anything for a few seconds.
“…So. This is Evan and Barty’s dorm as well, right?”
Regulus looked up.
”Yes. And sometimes Panda’s.”
“Isn’t she a ravenclaw?”
“…Yes.”
“Okay then.”
“This isn’t what we are supposed to be talking about James.”
“Right…So. What’s going on?”
Regulus paused again. He didn’t even know if james knew about the trans thing. He assumed he didn’t, since Sirius had only ever referred to Regulus as his brother.
He gently picked up the blanket, and held it tightly. It was something of a comfort item to regulus. It was something that made him feel safe.
He looked up at james.
“What all has sirius told you about me?”
James watched Regulus’ every move, and still looked a bit confused.
“That you were born a year after him and were always your mother’s favorite, if she even had a favorite, until the year sirius went to hogwarts. He didn’t tell me why that changed though. He also told me that you both get nightmares sometimes and that you like cats. He also tells me that you are a snob.”
“I am not a snob.”
James smiled a bit and moved a bit closer.
“Never said you were.”
Regulus looked down slightly at his blanket.
“Did sirius ever…Did he tell you i wasnt…That i was born a girl?”
James’ eyes went impossibly wide. Regulus felt his face heating up. He hated that.
James didn’t speak for a moment again. Possibly processing that information.
“No, Regulus. He didn’t. But hey, i mean, it’s fine.”
Regulus looked up at him.
“You don’t think i’m a freak?”
“Nah, I know a guy who was also born a girl. One of my best mates actually.”
Oh. Regulus didn’t know what to think of that.
“And your okay with that?”
“Of course. That’s just who he is. Doesn’t make him less of a guy. It doesn’t make you less of one either.”
Regulus thought for a second.
”Well. Then i’m assuming you can guess what’s going on then.”
James had to think, regulus watched his face. He watched the moment James realized.
“Oh. Oh. Right, that makes sense why you wouldn’t want to talk to Sirius or anyone..”
“Mhm.”
They both went silent for a moment, both seeming to want to keep talking but not knowing what to say.
Regulus felt embarrassed again and he knew James could see that, because James shifted slightly on his feet in an awkward way.
Regulus hated all of this. He should have never brought James here.
He had started to stand up when James spoke again.
“Thanks for telling me Regulus.”
Regulus looked at him, his face was a slight pink and he had his usual expression again.
“Well, i had already brought you here, so..”
“Yes, but you could’ve told me you changed your mind and to get out.”
“Shut up.”
James smiled.
Regulus liked that smile. Though he’d never admit it to anyone.
“So…i’m assuming you are having bad cramps then? Well, good news, my friend keeps a stash of this really good potion, better than pomfreys. He swears by it. I’ll send some to you if you want.”
Regulus looked a little surprised and hesitant at the offer. James catches on.
”Its fine, Regulus. He has plenty, he can share.”
“If you’re sure.”
“Of course, i wanted to help and that’s what i’m gonna do.”
“Well thank you then.”
They both nod a bit at each other.
Regulus, for the first time since this whole thing started, feels seen. He feels like he’s being seen as who he is, and without anyone pitying him or making it weird. Just genuinely seen and helped without the underlying sad feeling that his friends had given him, or the urgent need to care for him that Sirius had given him. The feelings that made him feel like they thought he was weak. James didn’t do that.
James made him feel like he thought he was strong, even though he never said it. His voice showed no babying. Some stubborn curiosity, sure, but when it came to it, he liked that james had been the one he talked about it with.
He didn’t realize it but his heart had gained a new adoration for the stupid potter boy, more than before. He would add that to the list of things he would never admit later.
***
Later that night, while Evan and Barty were off doing merlin knows what, an owl brought a package to regulus’ dorm.
He looked confused. There was a letter attached to it. When he read it, he realized what the package was.
Regulus,
Heres the potions i promised. Let me know if you need more. Also if you ever wanna talk to an “indifferent party” again, you know where i am.
Love,
J. P.
Regulus opened the package. There was the potion, as promised.
He opened one vial and drank it slowly, and almost immediately felt so much better. He internally thanked James for his stubbornness, because without it, he’d still be in pain right now.
He read over the letter again. “Love, J. P.”
Regulus smiled, before putting the note in his trunk with the things he’ll never admit he keeps, and went to bed feeling better. Happier.