Archive of Our Own

Min-Gi wasn’t sure what he’d expected when he agreed to the road trip. Well, considering Ryan, he had expected they would sleep in the van. However, Ryan’s new van did not have a mattress yet. Ryan had assured him that he would find one, that he ‘had his ways’. Min-Gi had quietly suspected that meant he was planning to steal one. Between the two of them Ryan was pretty broke, only earning money whenever he found a gig, and Min-Gi wasn’t too keen on dipping into his hard earned college savings unless he absolutely had to.

This was one of those cases. Both of them were decidedly too tired to keep driving, and their next gig was only about a half hour from the motel.

“Just get the cheapest option,” he had told Ryan as he’d stayed behind and gathered their most expensive things from the van. He didn’t feel comfortable leaving the instruments. If someone broke into the van and stole them, they were out of a job, and he’d only just managed to convince his parents to let him take a gap year for this. Really, he should have been more specific. This was completely on him.

“You did ask for a room for two people, didn’t you?” he said as he stared at the singular bed in the middle of the room.

“Yeah, and this is what they gave me,” Ryan replied, seemingly unbothered. He took his shoes off and jumped into the bed with a satisfied sigh. “Oh man, I almost forgot what it felt like to stretch my legs. This is great. Pretty good springs for a motel bed.”

Min-Gi frowned. “Is there any way to split the bed? Maybe they’re two singles pushed together.”

“Nah, I don’t feel a seam,” Ryan replied.

Min-Gi dragged a hand over his face. “I’ll go ask for a room switch.”

“I don’t know, Min. They handed me one of the last keys on their little board. Let’s not bother them.”

Min-Gi stared at the bed. It was big enough to accommodate two people, but not much larger. There wouldn’t be enough space to spread out without touching the other person. The thought made him inexplicably flustered.

Ryan must have noticed his expression, because he snorted. “You’re looking at the bed like it insulted your bloodline. Come on, it’s not that bad.” He shuffled to one side of the bed and patted the empty space next to him. “Just like when we were kids. I’ll do my best not to kick you in my sleep.”

Min-Gi smiled at the comment. “I will kick you back if you do,” he said, moving towards the bed.

“Wait,” Ryan suddenly said. “Bring my guitar.”

Min-Gi grabbed the guitar out of its case and carefully handed it to Ryan, who laid back and plucked a few strings experimentally, adjusting the tuning pegs. Min-Gi sat down next to him, leaning against the headboard. There was about an inch of space left between the two of them, and he found himself itching to close it. He resolutely buried the feeling.

Ryan strummed a few chords, humming softly. The tune was gentle, calmer than the tunes he’d composed for ‘My Oeuvre’. Ryan’s voice was warm as he hummed the melody.

“Is that new?” Min-Gi asked.

Ryan’s fingers stilled. “It’s a work in progress. Do you like it?” His eyes met Min-Gi’s.

“Yeah,” Min-Gi replied. “It’s different from your usual repertoire, but not in a bad way. Have you thought of any lyrics yet?”

Ryan smiled softly, looking down at his guitar. “Not yet, but I have a few general ideas. I was thinking of making it a love song.”

Min-Gi’s eyes widened. A love song. It just occurred to him that they hadn’t performed any love songs before. To his knowledge Ryan had written one at some point for an ex girlfriend, but refused to play it again for obvious reasons.

It didn’t need to mean anything. Love songs were a dime a dozen. They were every other song on the radio, and every famous band had at least one among their greatest hits. It didn’t mean anything. Not even if he were to perform one for a live crowd, right alongside his best friend he had been having rather complicated feelings about.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Sounds good.”

Ryan chuckled. “Figured the ladies would prefer one of these to a song about my van.”

“Who knows. Maybe some girls really like songs about motorised vehicles,” Min-Gi joked.

“Right. Though I’m pretty sure there are sexier vehicles than a van.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Motorbikes.” Ryan shot a finger gun at him and winked.

“Do you even have a licence to drive a motorbike?” Min-Gi asked dryly.

“Not yet I don’t,” Ryan replied, still holding his finger in a gun shape.

Min-Gi sighed. "I suppose you don’t need to drive a motorbike to write a song about one, though.”

Just like you didn’t need to be in love to write a love song.

As far as Min-Gi was aware, Ryan hadn’t maintained contact with any girls since they reunited. But that didn’t necessarily mean he didn’t like anyone. There had been a few pretty girls in the crowd at their first gig back in Powell Lake. Maybe one of them had stuck out to Ryan.

One thing was for certain, though. Ryan liked girls. He had had three girlfriends in a span of only a year, enough said. And if he liked girls, he wasn’t gay.

Not that it should matter to Min-Gi anyway. Because he didn’t like Ryan in that way. Of course he didn’t. Just imagine what his parents would say. They had a plan for him. A plan that involved an eventual marriage to a nice well-educated woman and a child or two, preferably a boy. If they came to the conclusion that their only son was a queer... Min-Gi shuddered at the thought. They already weren’t too thrilled about him veering off the plan for a year to travel with Ryan. He’d seen the expression on their faces, heard the comments they made about his ripped jeans, and how he’d grown his hair out even further. Out of the two of them, it would honestly have been less surprising if Ryan had been the gay one, at least as far as his parents were concerned.

Min-Gi’s eyes drifted towards his backpack, where he knew his mother had sneaked in a finance text book. An unsubtle reminder that their time together as finite, a temporary detour before he would need to get back on the path laid out for him. The path he had worked his ass off for over the course of years. So why did the thought fill him with dread?

Min-Gi sighed, and pulled his mini-synth out of his pocket. “How did the melody go again?” he asked.

Ryan’s fingers began strumming the guitar once more, slower this time. Bit by bit Ryan hummed the melody, and Min-Gi replicated it on the mini-synth. They repeated it until he could play it in one go, until the notes echoed through his head.

After a blissful eternity, Ryan paused to stifle a big yawn. “Well, best to get some sleep before our gig.” A big grin spread across his face. “We’re gonna be performing in open air. I can’t wait. It’s gonna be so much fun.”

He leaned the guitar against the wall next to him and pulled his shirt over his head.

Min-Gi quickly averted his eyes. “I’ll get my pyjamas,” he said, rushing to get off the bed and into the bathroom. He was out of his clothes and into his pyjamas in no time. He grabbed his toothbrush from his backpack and added some toothpaste when Ryan walked in, dressed in a pair of boxer briefs and not much more.

Min-Gi tried to look away, but the mirror in front of him made it nigh impossible not to see his best friend in his undressed state.

“Oh wow, you actually brought a set of pyjamas,” Ryan commented. “Should have figured. You like to do things the proper way.”

“You didn’t bring any.” Min-Gi said, more as a statement than a question.

Ryan shrugged. “Don’t need any. I don’t like the feel of them when I’m sleeping. Besides, it’s one less thing to pack. If anything I’m the efficient one here.”

Min-Gi shoved the toothbrush in his mouth to avoid replying. Ryan followed his example. They brushed their teeth in silence, and Min-Gi did not think about how he was about to share a bed with an almost naked Ryan. The bed seemed even smaller with this newfound knowledge.

Ryan, on his part, didn’t seem to notice Min-Gi’s silent crisis. He moved out of the bathroom and into the bed like nothing was wrong. And maybe he was right. There was nothing strange about two friends sharing a bed. It wasn’t weird unless they made it weird. All Min-Gi had to do was not make it weird, he told himself as he slipped under the covers, carefully guarding the space between his and Ryan’s legs.

It didn’t need to be weird. They were just going to sleep and hit the road the next day, and it would be a normal day just as any other. With that thought he closed his eyes.

-~°~-

Min-Gi blearily opened his eyes to the sound of his alarm going off. He hummed in irritation, feeling around on the night stand before his hand found the offending device and shut it off.

The haze of sleep gradually drained from his body, and he became very aware of how close Ryan was. He was pressed up against his side, almost on top of him. One arm was draped across his chest, and a leg hooked over his own. He could feel the slight tickle of his hair against his chin. He suddenly felt very warm. He told himself it was nothing. They had slept in the same bed all the time as kids, at their many sleepovers, huddled conspiratorially under the sheets with a flashlight far past their bedtime. Those days were far behind them though, and they hadn’t shared a bed like this in years. Why did it feel so different now?

“Ryan,” he whispered. “We have to get up.”

Ryan made a non-committal noise. “Don’t wanna,” he mumbled. His breath warmed Min-Gi’s neck, so close he could swear he felt his lips graze his skin. He shivered.

Ryan sighed, moving his arm until his hand rested against the junction where Min-Gi’s neck connected to his shoulder.

Min-Gi’s heart skipped a beat. This was too much. This was way too much.

That’s when Ryan shifted slightly, and Min-Gi felt the hardness pressing into his hip. That was normal, Min-Gi tried to reason. Men woke up with morning wood all the time. It didn’t mean anything. Min-Gi did not think about it. He did not think about what it would feel like taking it in his hand. He did not think about Ryan kissing his neck. He did not think about wandering hands, or leaving marks on his skin with his mouth—oh fuck. He needed to get out of this situation right now!

He grabbed Ryan’s shoulder, his very warm, bare shoulder, and shoved him back. “We have two hours before the motel kicks us out, we need to start getting ready.” he said. He vacated himself from the bed none too elegantly.

Ryan groaned, letting his head fall back against the sheets. “We don’t need two hours to pack. We have like three things. Let’s snooze for just a little longer.”

Min-Gi felt his blood rushing to his cheeks. The parts of his body where Ryan had touched burned. He turned around so Ryan wouldn’t see his face. “You stay in the bed then, I’ll pack for the both of us,” he said.

Ryan yawned, and pulled the sheets over his head. “Sounds good to me.”

Min-Gi grabbed his clothes and locked himself in the bathroom. His heart still hammered erratically against his chest as he pulled his pyjamas off. A part of him wondered if they smelled like Ryan now. Another part of himself told him to stop thinking such things. He really needed to get over himself. He took a shower to clear his mind. A very cold shower.

By the time he emerged from the bathroom in his signature khakis and sweater, Ryan was still hidden under the bundle of crumpled sheets. Min-Gi sighed, but he couldn’t help but smile at the image. How had this guy managed to be on time for any of his gigs before? Min-Gi began collecting their belongings, mostly Ryan’s, that were strewn across the room, and neatly arranging them inside of their backpacks.

“Are you creating another system in my backpack?” Ryan mumbled from somewhere beneath the pile of sheets.

“It’s more efficient this way,” Min-Gi replied.

“Ugh, I’m not gonna be able to find anything now,” he lamented.

“I’ll know. Just ask me,” Min-Gi replied, undeterred.

“I see how it is.” Ryan peeked his head out from under the covers. “This is part of you plan to make me completely dependent on you, isn’t it? Next thing I know you’ll be putting a padlock on my guitar.”

Min-Gi laughed. “I would never touch your guitar without your permission.”

Ryan rubbed his eyes and shrugged. “You can touch her if you want. I trust you. Oh! I should teach you the basics some time.”

“I’ll add it to our to-do list,” Min-Gi replied.

“Come onnnnnn,” Ryan pushed. “It’ll make you even sexier. Chicks love a guy who can play the guitar.”

Ming-Gi ignored that Ryan just called him attractive. “Yeah, that’s why you’re still single,” he teased.

Ryan huffed, and propped himself up on his elbows. “Well, maybe I don’t want a girlfriend.”

That could mean nothing. It definitely meant nothing.

“Yeah, right,” he said.

“I’m serious!” Ryan said, “I mean, relationships are cool and all, but I’m enjoying this, you know? Being on the road, doing random gigs, just the two of us.” He smiled to himself. “It’s nice.”

Min-Gi let the words sink in. They made him feel warm inside. He had been enjoying it too, even if all the all the unpredictable factors he couldn’t account for stressed him out to no end sometimes. Performing with Ryan was fun. It made him feel free in a way he never could at home.

“I’m enjoying it too,” he said, “More than I thought I would.”

Ryan smiled softly. “Also my last girlfriend took my old van, so yeah,” he then added.

Min-Gi snorted at that.

Ryan managed to get dressed in time, but didn’t make it to breakfast, which Min-Gi had fortunately accounted for. “Thanks man,” he sighed as he took a bite from the sandwich he’d packed. “I swear I don’t do it on purpose. It’s like time is stretchy. Like every minute is a different length, you know? I never know how long things take.”

“That’s what they invented alarm clocks for,” Min-Gi replied calmly, turning the key to start the van.

“I know,” Ryan lamented. “But they still don’t work on me somehow.”

He turned his head and grinned at him. “It’s a good thing I’ve got you now, huh?”

Min-Gi failed to suppress a smile. “You’re being awfully nice to me.”

Ryan laughed awkwardly. “Figured after the train it might be good to highlight the good aspects too. God knows we’ve fought enough for the next decade.”

“I doubt we’ll make it another nine years without a single argument,” Min-Gi commented.

“Maybe, but we can try. We’ve got the power of communication on our side now.”

Min-Gi laughed, and drove off the car park into the open road.

-~°~-

The sun shone brightly over the grass field. Music boomed from the stages from bands they didn’t know. They smiled down at the dancing crowd, who danced with enthusiasm. The air was warm, but not unpleasantly so.

Ryan spread his arms and twirled in the air. “Ah, nothing like the sound of live music.”

Min-Gi laughed. “You look like the lady from The Sound of Music.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said,” Ryan replied, grinning from ear to ear.

They found the backstage area easily enough, where a woman informed them they would be opening for the main act, along with a number of other new artists on the scene. Ryan nodded along and instructed her on their setup, like he’d done dozens of times at this point. Min-Gi trailed behind, trying to calm his nerves.

This was always the worst part for him. The anticipation. The number of artists before them gradually getting smaller until they were expected to go on any moment. The glimpse of countless unknown faces in front of the stage. Faces who could judge him, who could boo him. The feeling was no longer insurmountable after the train’s events, but he still felt as though his stomach was tying itself into several knots. He hadn’t even registered Ryan’s voice until he felt his hand on his shoulder.

“Min, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he muttered. They had performed so many times already. He should be over it already. But this was the biggest crowd they had ever performed for.

“You sure?” Ryan said empathetically, “because your finger is doing the tappy thing again.”

Min-Gi looked down at his hands and willed them to still. “I’m fine,” he insisted. “I can do this.”

“I know that,” Ryan said. “It’s okay to be nervous.”

Min-Gi looked at the stage, then back to Ryan, then at the stage again. “There’s so many people,” he said. “This is a lot more than playing in a bar or someone’s garage.”

“Hey,” Ryan stepped closer to him. “You’ve got this.”

The last band before them was finishing up their set.

Min-Gi watched the stairs to the stage anxiously. A nervous giggle escaped his throat. “I kinda feel like I’m gonna pass out,” he said.

Ryan suddenly grabbed Min-Gi’s face in both his hands, turning it towards him. Min-Gi’s heart did a flip as he met Ryan’s gaze.

“Min-Gi Park,” he said. “You are the most talented, most creative, bravest man I know. There’s no one else I would rather have next to me on that stage. We are gonna go up there, and you are going to shred, you hear me?”

“Uh-uh,” Min-Gi squeaked.

Ryan nodded, “Good. Let’s blow these people’s socks off.”

The woman announced them, and Ryan ran on stage with a beaming smile. Min-Gi braced himself, and followed. He didn’t miss the way Ryan glanced back at him, and smiled a little brighter when their eyes met. Min-Gi couldn’t deny it filled him with joy. He would never leave Ryan to face the crowd on his own again.

The songs flowed out like water, and Min-Gi allowed himself to get lost in the moment. With every show he felt a little more at home in their music. It was exhilarating. It was beautiful. Before he knew it, he had a grin matching Ryan’s as the latter jumped and danced around him.

As soon as they played the last chord, the crowd erupted in cheers. It made Min-Gi’s chest swell with pride. He looked at Ryan with elation, who waved at the crowd and thanked them.

Before he could process it, Ryan had taken his hand and held it above their heads.

“Everyone give it up for my main man, Min!” he shouted. The crowd cheered.

Min-Gi felt his cheeks flush, but he grinned through it.

He didn’t think anything of it until he heard the guitarist of one of the other band murmur something to one of the organisers. The side of his mouth curled up into a sneer as he spoke. Min-Gididn’t manage to hear every word, but the man spat the word ‘faggots’ with enough vitriol that it rang loud and clear above all of the background ambiance. The woman frowned, looking back at him and Ryan. Min-Gi quickly averted his eyes. Ryan hadn’t noticed, though, so Min-Gi thought it best not to mention it.

And that’s how the weeks passed. They spent most of their days driving. They found gigs at various places, to mixed reception from the audience. Some nights they crowded around them after their set, asking for cassettes. Most nights, they barely acknowledged them.Min-Gi and Ryan enjoyed playing all the same. They joked about dining at the umpteenth roadside restaurant. They stopped to take photos at odd landmarks. They found cheap hotels and motels to spend the night. Ryan practised and toyed with new songs. Min-Gi tried not to look at Ryan’s bare legs and chest when they went to bed. Sometimes the same bed.

Min-Gi occasionally got his hands on a phone and took the time to call his parents. He strategically omitted the parts of their journey they wouldn’t approve of. They always sounded like they were happy to hear from him. His mother reminded him to eat more fruit.

They were miles away from B.C. now. It felt surreal. Sometimes Min-Gi felt like he was dreaming. If anyone had told him two years ago that he would be travelling across the country to try and make it as a musician, he would have laughed in their face. University seemed like a distant future now, some hypothetical spectre of a reality. For a moment, Min-Gi allowed himself to dream of a different life. A life on the road with Ryan, away from his family’s expectations.

Ryan was becoming bolder too. A hand on Min-Gi’s shoulder became a hand around his shoulder, which became a hand around his waist. Hugs before and after sets became more frequent. Ryan was singing his praises nearly every day now, making Min-Gi feel warm inside. Did he know what he was doing? Min-Gi knew he didn’t, because Ryan didn’t notice the doubtful looks they received from onlookers, the knowing glances whenever Ryan pulled Min-Gi closer while making conversation. Ryan didn’t notice how all of this looked to an outside perspective.

Min-Gi didn’t know how to bring it up. What was he going to do, accuse his best friend of being a queer? Min-Gi knew Ryan wasn’t like that. He had always been a rather tactile person. That, and part of him didn’t want Ryan to stop. A small, pitiful part of him had started to foster a dangerous hope that the touches and comments meant something to Ryan too.

It was a shameful thought, one he had kept locked up in the furthest part of his mind for years. Now it all came spilling out, flooding his brain with thoughts and feelings that made him want to hide. He should hate himself for it. He should be disgusted. But try as he might to shove it down, the feeling was there now, and it wouldn’t leave. That terrified him.

One night he dreamt he was getting married. He stood before the altar, dressed in the finest suit he’d ever seen. It even held a small white flower in the breast pocket. He brimmed with emotion and excitement. In the audience he saw his parents sat in the first row, looking proud and a touch emotional. He turned to face his bride, and found Ryan standing next to him in a matching suit. His eyes twinkled in excitement, that familiar look Min-Gi had never been able to make himself say no to. His dream self didn’t even think it strange, because of course it was Ryan. Anyone else wouldn’t make sense.

It was only when he woke up to a dark motel room that his chest filled with dread.

What was he thinking? Even if… even if there was a scenario in which they dated, they couldn’t get married. As far as Min-Gi knew, being gay wasn’t a crime anymore, but marriage?

Ryan rolled over, still asleep. His hand found its way on Min-Gi’s shoulder. Min-Gi quietly turned on his side, placing Ryan’s hand on the bed. Ryan’s face was peaceful as he slept. It softened something in Min-Gi, and the knot in his stomach loosened ever so slightly. He considered reaching out and holding his hand. He reached out, hesitated, and retracted his hand again. One day he would get used to this, and the feelings would fade. Eventually. Hopefully.

-~°~-

Ryan’s eyes shone with excitement as he waved the notebook in Min-Gi’s face. “I finished it~,” he said in a sing-song tone. “Dude, you’re gonna love this.”

Min-Gi plucked the notebook our of the air, grinning. “Alright. Let me see it.”

“Hold on!”

The notebook was snatched out of Min-Gi’s hands before he even had the chance to open it. Ryan suddenly looked nervous. “I want the lyrics to be a surprise. You already know the chords, right?”

Min-Gi nodded.

“Great!” Ryan slammed his palms together, the notebook pressed between them. “Let’s perform it today. It’ll be a surprise for everyone.”

Min-Gi conceded easily enough. He could hold in his curiosity for half a day. What was the worst that could happen? One corny love song in an otherwise marginally less corny tracklist wasn’t going to make or break their set. Even if it did, it was as Ryan said; their audience consisted of strangers they would never see again. It was fine.

The bar was within walking distance of their hotel, which meant they didn’t need to find parking nearby, something Min-Gi was very grateful for. The venue was lit with coloured lamps, and the corners were clouded with cigarette smokes where a few groups sat around the tables with ash trays.

There was a raised stage, already provided with microphones. Ryan grinned and gave him a thumbs up. Min-Gi returned the gesture. He set up his synth while Ryan checked the microphones and speakers.

“Good evening Toronto! Are you guys ready?”

A few people whooped. Ryan grinned. “Ladies and gentlemen, we are Chicken Choice Judy, and this one is called Train to Nowhere. Seven eight eleven twelve!”

The first half of their set went by without a hitch. A few people nodded their heads along to the music. Some paused their conversation to listen. After a few songs they had the majority of their audience’s attention. Their interest spurred Ryan on further, and he played and sang with vigour.

Sweat beaded against his skin under the heat of the lamps. It made him look all the more mesmerising to Min-Gi.

He grabbed the microphone tight. “Alright guys, this one’s a brand new song, and you have the pleasure of hearing it played and performed for the first time ever. This is Fake It till You Make It.

He strummed the first chords, closing his eyes as if to take in the moment. He leaned in closer to the mic, and began to sing.

You ever thought of those people in fiction

Who pretend to be in love?

For their relatives or tax restrictions

And then they do...

I always thought it’s kind of sweet

How their feelings come about

So I had this little thought

Why don't we try that out?

He glanced over his shoulder at Min-Gi, and winked.

We'd look good together

Let’s try it and get romantically involved

We'd be cute together

And all our romantic problems would be solved

Maybe along the way

We could kindle that flame

And be slightly more than friends

Fake it till you make it, if you will...

Min-Gi’s heart was beating too fast. The words danced around in his head, and Ryan was looking at him now, wearing an expression so soft it almost made his knees buckle. Was this… It couldn’t be. Not like this. Not in front of all of these people.

Min-Gi barely made it through the final chords. He noticed the crowd. He saw the way their eyes flitted between the two, their expressions unreadable. His hands shook. Ryan faltered, a line of worry creeping between his eyebrows. “Min? Are you—”

Min-Gi barely heard Ryan’s words. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. The weight of the crowd’s eyes on him was suffocating. They knew. They had to. They knew and they hated him. He couldn’t do this. “I need eh… I—” He didn’t finish his sentence. He half tumbled, half sprinted out of the bar. He made it two streets before someone grabbed his arm. His heart stopped. He whirled around to find it was Ryan.

“Min, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Min-Gi stared at him. Ryan knew. Ryan planned this.

In an instant his distress boiled over into anger. He wrenched his arm out of Ryan’s grip. “What the fuck was that, Ryan?!” he shouted.

Ryan’s hand clenched the air. He opened and closed his mouth and finally stammered, “I—”

“Do you have any idea how that made us look? You made it seem like we—” he gritted his teeth. He still couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“What if there was someone in that crowd who knew us? What if someone there goes to the same university I got accepted into? That could ruin me. God, why do you never think before you do things?”

“Min, calm down. It’s just a generic love song. It could be about anyone,” Ryan retorted.

“It’s not just the song!” Min-Gi raged. “You keep—ugh! You keep touching me all the time. It drives me nuts. Don’t you see how people look at us? I know you think that’s how rock stars act but we are not rock stars, Ryan. We are two guys no one has heard of. You can’t do that!”

“Okay! I’m sorry!” Ryan exclaimed. “I just thought- So I misread the situation. I kinda thought we—”

“I’m not gay!” Min-Gi screamed.

The moment the words left his mouth he wanted to die. His breaths came in big heaves. Tears burned behind his eyes.

Ryan froze. Something in his expression broke. He clenched his jaw. “I see,” he said quietly. “I… I’m going back to the bar. You can… I don’t know…”

He turned around and walked away, leaving Min-Gi where he stood, trying desperately not to burst into tears.

He walked back to the hotel on autopilot. The moment the door if his room shut behind him he sprinted to the bathroom and emptied his guts into the toilet. Fuck fuck fuck fuck! How could he be so stupid? He ruined everything. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He was miles from home, in a strange city, and Ryan probably never wanted to see him again. He sat against the tiled floor, wishing he could disappear. He had only just gotten Ryan back and he had ruined it all over again.

Did he call his parents? Did he go back to the bar? His head spun. He distantly registered that he left his synth at the bar. It felt so trivial now. He closed his eyes. If only this was a dream.

By two am Ryan still hadn’t returned to the hotel. Min-Gi had spent a few more hours breaking down on the bathroom floor, before pulling himself together long enough to brush his teeth and drag himself into the bed, where he now lay with the covers pulled over his head. Shame roiled around in his stomach. He had replayed the night a hundred times in his head, imagining every possible scenario, analysing what he should have done differently. Maybe he never should have agreed to come with Ryan. He’d been on such a high when he’d said yes. At the time, he truly thought nothing could break their friendship again. But then there was Ryan’s impulsivity, and Min-Gi’s perpetual fear.

Ryan. He didn’t want to think about Ryan. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan. The hurt on his face haunted him every time he closed his eyes. He had well and truly fucked up. Where was he now? Even if he had finished the concert, he should have returned hours ago. A cold dread seeped into his gut. What if Ryan had taken the van and driven off alone?

He dashed out of the bed and pulled his shoes back on, before sprinting down the corridors and onto the driveway. The van was still parked exactly where he left it. It didn’t calm his nerves, because that meant he still had no idea where Ryan was. He didn’t know where Ryan was, after leaving him alone on stage again. In a strange city right after singing a love song too.He was such an idiot! What if something happened to him? What if he got hurt?

Min-Gi half walked, half ran into the lobby. A tired looking man sat behind the counter. “Hey, has my friend passed through here at any point tonight?”

The man raised his eyebrow.

“Asian, red glasses, brown hair a little past his shoulders. Room 21.”

The man blinked. “Oh, yeah. He dropped these off.” He ducked behind the counter and lifted two instrument cases. Ryan’s guitar and his synth. “Would you like to take them back to your room?”

Min-Gi grabbed the instruments. “Did he tell you where he was going?”

The man shrugged. Min-Gi sighed. “Thank you anyway.”

After bringing instruments back to the room, hiding them under the bed, and double checking he definitely locked the door to their room three times, Min-Gi set out into the city. He had no idea where to go, so he went back to the bar where they had played.

He hesitated at the door. Fear left him frozen, cramping up his legs and preventing him from taking another step. He had humiliated himself, and Ryan, just hours before. Everyone had seen. They would know. Fuck, what was he gonna do if Ryan wasn’t there? What if he was, and they did terrible things to him? What could he do against a whole bar of people? He forced himself to take a breath, and then another one. His heart still hammered in his chest as he pushed the door open.

The music was louder now, and there were more people. They danced or talked to each other with raised voices to hear each other over the music, drinks in hand. Min-Gi felt distinctly out of place as he walked through the bar, scanning each face in hopes of finding a familiar one.

He found Ryan in the corner, by the edge of the stage. He had a drink in his hand and was laughing about something with a girl sporting short bright red hair. Min-Gi’s shoulders slumped in relief for a moment. Then Ryan noticed him, and his mouth closed into a tight line. Min-Gi tensed.

“Oh great, it’s mister Holier Than Thou,” he sneered as Min-Gi drew closer. He swayed slightly, and Min-Gi could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Sandra, allow me to introduce my bandmate Min, who totally ditched me over a song.”

The girl glanced at him dryly. Min-Gi’s skin prickled in embarrassment. He pulled at the collar of his sweater. “Ryan, do you have any idea what time it is? We need to be back on the road in five hours.”

Ryan scowled. “Why? You don’t seem like you want to continue playing with me anyway.”

He took a large gulp from his drink. Min-Gi’s eyes flitted to the drink in his hand. “How many of those have you had?”

Ryan crossed his arms. The glass tilted, spilling most of its contents on the floor. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Sandra quietly held up four fingers.

Min-Gi sighed. “Forget it, let’s just go back to the hotel.”

Ryan scoffed. “With you? Nah. I’m staying for a little longer with my new friends, who actually like me.”

Min-Gi grunted. “I really don’t have time for this.” He grabbed Ryan by the arm and dragged him along. Ryan struggled, yanking his arm back. “Oh, so when I touch you it’s a problem but you get to grab me all you like?”

“You know that’s not--, ugh!” Min-Gi groaned. “Would you just listen to me?”

Ryan threw his arms up. “What more is there to say, Min? You don’t like me, you’ve made that part very clear.”

Min-Gi’s eyes nervously darted to Sandra, who suddenly seemed very invested in the flaking paint on the wall. “I am not having this conversation with you in here,” he hissed.

“Fine. Leave then.”

Min-Gi pinched the bridge of his nose. Irritation crackled beneath his shoulders. He couldn’t get himself to calm them. It was either this or cry, and he really didn’t feel like crying again. “What do I need to say to you to get you to come back to the hotel with me?” he said, keeping his voice carefully level.

“How about sorry?” Ryan snapped. “Sorry for leaving me on that stage once again. Sorry for running away as soon as things get scary again.” He gritted his teeth. His knuckles turned white around the near empty glass in his hand. “You care so much about what everyone thinks about you, but what about me? You ever stopped to think about how I feel?”

“Ryan, I—” Min-Gi hesitated.

“Just admit it, Min. You’re ashamed of me.”

“I’m not. I--…” I’m ashamed of myself. Min-Gi swallowed a sob that began building in his throat. “I’m sorry I ran, okay? Now would you please come with me?”

Ryan didn’t look remotely convinced, but a tiredness has seeped into his expression. “Fine,” he said curtly.

He quietly trailed a few paces behind Min-Gi as they returned to the hotel. He didn’t look at Min-Gi when they arrived back in their room. He didn’t even undress beyond his shoes and jacket. He laid down in the bed, facing away from him.

Min-Gi wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what. He panicked even more when Ryan’s shoulders quivered, and he heard the shaky breath.

He leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Are you crying?”

He internally chastised himself. Way to go, Min-Gi. That’s definitely the right thing to say to someone who’s crying because of your actions.

“I’m fine,” Ryan said thickly, pushing his hand away. “Leave me alone.”

Min-Gi shrunk back a few inches. For a moment everything was silent, save for the sound of Ryan drawing a few shuddering breaths. “I really am sorry for running away like that,” Min-Gi finally said. “I was… I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ryan said, and sniffled. “I guess I expected too much from you.”

Min-Gi’s heart ached. He wanted to reply. He wanted to say something. But Ryan’s breaths had slowed and evened out into the deep rhythm of sleep. Min-Gi exhaled. He was exhausted, but dread had settled so deep in his bones he wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. Tomorrow they would need to talk about this. And whatever happened, it was going to suck.

After an eternity, and in a way in no time at all, sunlight began to seep through the curtains. A sliver of light fell over the bed. Min-Gi looked around the room. Their instruments and backpacks sat by the desk, apparently already packed. Ryan was already awake, and studying a map.

“Where’d you get that?” he said groggily.

“The guy behind the front desk,” Ryan replied. “If we drive another hour I can drop you off at the airport.”

Min-Gi’s eyes widened. He felt as though a heavy stone sat in his stomach. “You’re kicking me out of the band?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

The edge of the map crinkled between Ryan’s fingers. “Isn’t that you want? To leave?”

“What? Ryan, no.” Min-Gi threw the covers off his body and stood up. “I just said some stupid things last night, I--… That doesn’t mean I wanna leave the band.”

Ryan lowered the map. “You sure? You don’t feel uncomfortable with me?”

“Dude, of course not.”

“Even though I’m a queer?”

The silence was deafening.

Ryan sighed. “Look, I’m not ashamed of it, okay? I’ve never been palatable to regular people, what’s one more thing? But if this changes things for you…”

“No you’re not.” Min-Gi blurted out.

Ryan went silent, and looked at Min-Gi incredulously. “What do you mean, I’m not? You can’t decide that!”

“You like girls,” Min-Gi said flatly. “You flirt with them all the time.”

“Well, yeah. Girls are hot, but so are guys,” Ryan said. “I like both.”

“But you can like girls,” Min-Gi pushed, “Why are you making it hard for yourself? You could have a perfectly acceptable life with a woman. You don’t have to be… that.”

Ryan stared at him. A pained expression flickered in his eyes. “You can’t really choose who you fall in love with, Min.”

Min-Gi clenched the fabric of his pyjamas in his hand. He got that right. Ryan sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, for making you uncomfortable. I… kinda thought we were on the same page. Back in Morgan’s castle, when we got our exit, I thought you… I thought we… you know…” he blushed at the words, “But I guess I was wrong. Maybe it was just in my head, I don’t know. Wishful thinking or something.”

“You…” Min-Gi’s heartbeat accelerated. He did it intentionally. Oh god, he did it intentionally! The touching, the compliments, the beds. A fluttery feeling filled his chest, threatening to bubble up through his mouth into three very embarrassing words. “The whole time?”

Ryan could tell Min-Gi understood what he implied, and smiled sadly. “Pretty pathetic in hindsight, huh?”

Min-Gi’s legs felt jittery as he marched over and pulled Ryan up by his shoulders. “You’re not pathetic. Don’t ever call yourself pathetic.”

“It’s fine, Min. You don’t like me back, I can live with that.”

“No. You don’t understand. I…” The words evaded him. Min-Gi’s body suddenly registered their proximity. His eyes flickered to Ryan’s mouth. For what was quite possibly the first time in his life, Min-Gi made an impulsive decision.

He kissed Ryan.

He felt Ryan’s breath hitch against his lips. It took only a few seconds before his brain caught up with his actions, and he pulled back as fast as he could. “I’m sorry, I should have asked. I—”

He was cut short by hands grabbing either side of his head. Ryan held his gaze with a fiery determination. “Again.” he said. Min-Gi didn’t need to be told twice.

Their second kiss was slower, more deliberate. Min-Gi took the time to cherish the feeling of Ryan’s lips on his, the warmth of his body against his own, the way his fingers ran through his hair. The tension in his muscles melted away, and he relaxed in Ryan’s embrace. It felt scary. It felt exciting. It felt right.

They parted, and Ryan rested their foreheads against one another. “Please tell me this means what I think it means.”

“Yeah.” Min-Gi felt a little light-headed. “It does.”

“But you said you weren’t—”

“I lied. I was scared.” Min-Gi pulled back enough to look at Ryan.

“I’m honestly still scared.”

Ryan gave him a soft smile, cradling his cheek. “That’s okay. This is all pretty new to me too. To tell you the truth, I’m also kinda nervous. But, I mean, so is touring Canada without a set destination, right? We’ll figure it out along the way.”

Min-Gi took Ryan’s hand in his. “Are you sure you wanna do this?” Are you sure you want me? “I’m not gonna be comfortable with a lot of things, probably for a long time. A-and my parents. I don’t know what I’m gonna tell them. I… I worry. A lot.”

Ryan laughed. “Min, I know that. If that was a deal-breaker for me, we would have stopped being friends years ago. You’re working on it, aren’t you? And between the two of us, someone needs to do the worrying sometimes. I’ve got you, man.”

A smile broke onto Min-Gi’s face. “You’re gonna call me ‘man’ after we just kissed?”

A smug look slid onto Ryan’s face. “Oh? Would you prefer a pet name instead?”

Min-Gi’s face burned. “I take it back.”

Ryan smiled mischievously. “Too late. I’m already cooking up a whole selection. Prepare to be wooed.”

Min-Gi covered his face with his hands and groaned. “I should have kept my mouth shut.”

Ryan laughed, and pried Min-Gi’s fingers away to place a kiss on his cheek, which only served to make him even more flustered. “So, how long?”

“What?”

“How long have you liked me?”

Min-Gi murmured something.

“I didn’t catch that.”

“Grade ten.”

Ryan’s eyes widened. “Wait, are you serious? You mean we could have had this in high school?”

“Absolutely not. I never would have admitted it,” Min-Gi said resolutely.

Ryan chuckled airily. “Oh man. I can’t believe you fell first.”

“Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not laughing at you, I promise.” Ryan exhaled slowly. “I’m just really happy.”

Min-Gi smiled. “Me too.”

-~°~-

Min-Gi awoke to the sound of his alarm. Ryan whined. “Turn it off.”

“I’m trying.” Min-Gi murmured as he freed an arm from beneath the sheets andblindly felt behind him until his hand found the button.

Blissful silence fell over the pair once again. Ryan took Min-Gi’s arm and secured it back around himself. Min-Gi sighed and relaxed back into their embrace.

“You get five more minutes,” he whispered to his sleepy boyfriend.

Ryan replied by burying his head into Min-Gi’s chest. “How about fifteen?” he mumbled.

“Five. Minutes.”

“Twelve minutes.”

“Ten minutes, but no more than that.”

Ryan whined. Min-Gi found it adorable. “Can’t we skip this interview? We’ve already done like three this year.”

“If we don’t show up the label’s gonna kill us,” Min-Gi said.

“Who needs a label, anyway?” Ryan complained.

“Musicians who can’t afford a recording studio on their own.”

Ryan frowned. Min-Gi placed a kiss between his brow. It earned him a small smile. Ryan leaned up to kiss him properly. Even now, kissing Ryan still made his heart flutter.

He could feel Ryan’s hand on his torso beneath the sheets, slowly travelling lower. He gently intercepted its trajectory with his own. “Ryan,” he said softly, “We definitely don’t have time for that.”

Ryan quirked an eyebrow, smirking slyly. “You said we had ten minutes.”

Min-Gi sighed. “I don’t like rushing. It’ll be more fun when we can take our time.”

Ryan intertwined their fingers. “I guess you make a good point. We can canoodle later.”

“Ugh. Don’t call it canoodling,” Min-Gi laughed.

They eventually rolled out of bed after eleven minutes, resulting in a very smug Ryan. “So how much do you wanna bet they’re going to ask about our upbringing again?” he said, spreading jam over a piece of toast.

Min-Gi snorted, and popped a slice of bread in the toaster for himself. “I don’t understand why they keep bringing it up,” he said. “It really wasn’t that eventful. Our childhood was quite normal, wasn’t it?”

Ryan shrugged. “I guess they’re hoping for some juicy childhood trauma or something.” He took another bite of his toast.

“Hey, did you manage to call your parents yesterday?”

For a moment Min-Gi said nothing. The toast popped up. He stared at it for a few seconds before taking it. “They’re coming around to it now that we’re seeing some success. They actually asked me to come visit sometime.”

Ryan’s face brightened. “Hey, that’s great!” Then he faltered.

“Do they... know? About us, I mean.”

Min-Gi rubbed at the back of his neck. “Not yet. I mean, they might have a hunch, but I haven’t said anything to them about it. I think I wanna tell them in person.” he looked up at Ryan. “You’ll come with me when I do, right?”

Ryan extended his arm across the table to hold Min-Gi’s hand. “You know I will.”

Min-Gi smiled. He was happy with this life. It hadn’t been easy. The future wouldn’t be easy either, but eventually everything would fall into place. He just had to take a leap of faith.