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I hoped they would realize. I realize, when they hug me for a little longer than usual.
If Pone gets home from school, and he just comes in and hugs me, I sit down with him and wait til he’s ready to talk.
If when I wake up in the morning, and go into the kitchen to see Darry, and I hug him and he hugs me back a bit tighter than normal, I let him, and I ask him what’s the matter.
I notice, when they hug me different, so I thought maybe they would notice when I hugged different. When I started doing it, it wasn’t on purpose. It was one night, I was up late cause I had gotten home late from work, so I was up when Darrel got home. Pony was already in bed reading, so I sat at the table and forced down some slightly cold green beans, staring at the wall.
I’d been feelin’ bad again. It had been two months since I had tried to kill myself. I didn’t feel like killing myself that night, but I felt real down. I missed Mama and her wedding ring that I used to spin around on her finger when she held me on her lap. I missed Dad and when he would let me help cook on the weekends, and we would make chocolate cake together and I’d lick the spoon if Mama wasn’t in the room. I missed Johnny and ruffling his greasy curls, hugging him when he wanted to be hugged. Hell, I missed Dally and his snide remarks. I was missing everyone, and I was missing myself, too. Who I used to be.
And I missed my brothers, even though we lived under the same roof.
So when Darrel got home, I slid from my chair and went straight to the entryway, wrapping my arms around him as soon as he’d shut the door.
He hugged me back, leaning his chin on my shoulder. “Hey, Pepsi Cola.”
“Hi.” I had shut my eyes, taken a deep breath. I held on even when I felt him shifting, ready to leave the embrace.
“You fallin’ asleep on me, little buddy?” He had tried to joke, but I could tell he was about to fall asleep. It must’ve been a day for him, too.
No, Dare. I’m not falling asleep, I’m falling apart. “You sound exhausted, brother,” I pointed out, hesitantly ending the hug. I ached to be held by someone for more time than I held them.
“It’s been a rough day. A lot of running around.” He provided, walking past me and going to heat up his dinner. I’d already heated it up for him, though. He forgot to thank me as he shoveled food into his mouth then took a quick shower before he bid me goodnight and shut his room door.
And once again, I was alone.
The first time I hugged Pony a little longer, it was on purpose. He was sitting on the porch, watching the sunset. The way he reminded me so much of our mom in that little moment felt like a knife through my heart. I walked over, making sure my footsteps were loud enough so he wouldn’t be scared when I sat down beside him.
He glanced over at me, giving me a small smile. I missed him when he was right in front of me. Leaning over, I had pulled him into my arms and held him against me, hiding my crumpled face in his neck.
“Did I ever tell you that Johnny once hugged me, while we were watchin’ a sunset? It was after, Mama and Dad had died, and I was sittin’ here, and without realizing it, I had started to cry. I glanced on over at Johnnycakes, and he reached out and he hugged me. I couldn’t remember when he had last done that.”
While that story made my heart splinter and also feel a bit warmer, my soul felt heavier. He was in his own head so much, I sometimes wondered if he ever considered there was a whole lotta stuff in my head, too. I managed to whisper, “You never told me that, Neigh.”, and I held him tighter. But it was selfish. I was holding him to let him know I could hug him, too, but also I wanted him to wonder why I held onto him so long.
He didn’t wonder.
I was starting to think no one would pick up on my sadness. I guess I was still hidin’ it, joking and smiling and play fighting. But there were times I didn’t, I just let myself be quiet and down. And they still didn’t see it.
I get it. I know they all have so much to worry about besides me. I know that. But it hurts, when I notice when they’re hurting and they don’t notice when I’m hurting. When I just want to be held.
The whole gang plus some were over. It was game night. I used to love game night, but that time, I really didn’t wanna be there. I didn’t want to act anymore.
Marcia and Two-Bit were in the middle of acting out some charade as Cherry and Steve tried to guess what the hell it was when I finally lost it.
Well, I don’t know if that’s the right way to describe it. I had already lost it all, but that was when people finally realized. Mar, Two, Steve, and Cherry didn’t notice at first, and neither did Ace or Pony. But Darry did.
I was sitting on the floor, cause I had wanted everyone else to have a seat. My knees were up against my chest, and I gave up. I rested my face on them, and before I knew it, I was cryin’ real soft like. I hoped they were all too preoccupied to notice, but also, I kinda hoped someone realized, though. It was getting hard to hide. Evidently.
I heard him before I felt him. “Little buddy?” His voice was soft, a bit shaky. His hand rested in my hair and he began to play with it, slowly, like Mama used to whenever I was crying. The rest of the room quieted as they realized I was breaking down. I sort of wished they had kept talking. Now I felt stupid and watched.
I didn’t know who it was who sat down beside me, but I knew someone did. They set their hand on my thigh and ran a thumb over it. I assumed it was Ace, unless Steve had suddenly gotten real comfy with touch. Ace was the only other one beside him who knew about how I had cut myself on my thighs on Christmas Eve. Then she spoke. “What’s the matter, babe?”
My breath hitched then, and I lifted my head just a little to look at her. “I-I want, someone, to, hold me,” It sounded real lame, when I said it out loud. But that was the simplest way to put it.
So she did. She put her arms around my waist and her face in my shoulder. I didn’t hold her back, I was crying too damn much. And for once, I didn’t feel guilty for not comforting someone else. I let myself be held. It felt real nice.
She pressed a kiss to my chest. “You don’t gotta hold it in all the time, Soda.”
“Yeah, Pop. We wanna help you.” Steve added from his spot leaning on the coffee table. He was near enough that he could pat my knee if he wanted to. He hated seeing people cry, but he watched anyways.
“I-I just… I don’t wanna, add to any of your burdens.” I sniffled, glancing around the room. Everyone looked sad. I knew letting it out was just gonna hurt all of them.
“It’s more of a burden if you don’t let us in, man.” Two-Bit said, unusually serious. “Cause then you’ll just keep blowin’ up and ruinin’ game night.” He grinned, and I laughed despite myself. He sure knew how to make a guy smile.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered, and Darrel hit me on the arm. I turned to look at him.
“No ‘sorry’s are needed, Pepsi. We ain’t mad, we just wanna help you, kid. We love you.” He took my hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry, for not noticing.”
“Me too.” Pony swallowed, meeting my eyes timidly. “I should’ve realized.”
“It’s all right.” But was it? I just wanted them to see me how I saw them, and this was helping, yeah, but could they ever actually do that?
“Do you want some water?” This was Cherry who asked, and I tried not to laugh because she was treating me like a patient.
“Sure.”
She left, and Marcia followed. It was just the gang now, and they were all lookin’ at me to some degree.
Ace was still holding me, and I was glad about that, because it did help. I looked at my brothers. “I’ve been hugging you guys for longer. And you didn’t realize.” I felt guilty, and stupid, for saying that.
Both of their faces shifted, looking pained. Pony spoke first. “Oh, Sodapop… I didn’t…” Know, realize. Of course he didn’t. I wasn’t mad, but it hurt.
“We were too busy focusin’ on ourselves. That wasn’t very good of us, baby, I’m sorry,” Darry’s eyes were a bit teary then, and I hated that. I was making him want to cry. Of course I was, cause I was hurting him and all of them.
That’s what happened when I cried. I made them feel awful, like they were the worst people in the whole dang world.
Ace held me a little tighter. I wondered then if she regretted being my girl, wondered if she thought I was weak, or dumb. I sure felt like I was both of those things.
It was like she knew what I had thought, though, cause she looked up at me and made me meet her eyes. “Don’t you feel guilty for this, Soda. You had to let it out sometime.” She took one hand off my waist and swiped at some of my tears. “I love you,” she spoke real softly, like she would if she was trying to talk to me in the middle of the night.
I nodded back. I didn’t think I could say anything else without sobbing.
That night, I was lying in bed with Pony, pretending to be asleep, when he pointed his flashlight in my face, leaning over to check if I was really sleeping yet or not.
I didn’t know whether I wanted to lie and keep my eyes shut, or give in and look at him. But then he whispered, and I didn’t even have to think about opening my eyes, I just did.
“I’m sorry, Cola.” His voice trembled as he spoke.
I looked up at him instantly, reaching out a hand to run my thumb across his cheek. “You don’t have to say that again, Neigh.”
He flinched, somewhat startled by my sudden “awakening”. “But… you’re hurtin’ bad, Soda. And I didn’t even notice.” Ducking out from under my hand, he sat back in his spot and switched off his flashlight.
I sat up then, pulling the chain on my lamp to turn it on so I could look at his face. It was crumpling fast. Moving over, I wrapped my arms around him. “I forgive you, all right? I’m not mad at you, kid. I couldn’t ever be mad.” I pressed a kiss to his hair. “It’s okay.”
“I want you to-to talk to me, when ya… when you’re hurting.”
I wanted to say that I knew that, cause I do, but I felt a pain in my chest that prevented me from speaking. How could I tell him that it just hurt me more to talk to them about it? I didn’t wanna put my pain onto anyone, but especially not my brothers, not Pony.
A simple knock sounded on our door before it opened slowly and Darry came in, looking tired as ever, in his pj shirt and checkered pajama pants. I was about to say sorry for waking him up, but we weren’t bein’ that loud, so I knew that wasn’t why he was there. Plus, I still couldn’t really talk all that well.
“What’s the matter, Pone?”
Now, obviously Pony was the one crying, but I can’t lie. More tears filled my eyes and a few slipped out when he asked just how Ponyboy was and not me. He was the first one to notice me earlier. He loves me just as much. But after what happened at game night, I just thought…
“Go back… to sleep, Darry.” Pony sniffled, lifting his face from my chest for a moment to look at our older brother.
“I wasn’t asleep anyway. What’s goin’ on?” He walked further into our room, climbing into the bed to sit on Pony’s other side. Carefully, he put a hand on his shoulder. That was when he locked eyes with me, and I realized, that, while of course he wanted to make sure Ponyboy was okay, he didn’t want me to have to comfort him alone. He was helping me just as much as he was helping Pone. And that made me cry a bit harder.
“I’m m-mad at myself. Soda, he’s always lookin’ out for me. And for you, and for the gang. But, we-we always forget to help him out.” He glanced up at Darrel, then hesitantly looked at me. His eyes were full of so much shame I had to shut mine for a second.
“Pone, you can’t go blaming yourself for all our pain. Yeah, we all…” he sniffed, trying to hold in tears of his own. “We all sort of dropped the ball with this one, but it wasn’t just you, kiddo. None of us picked up on it.” Looking up at me, he let a tear fall. “And we’re sorry.”
I knew what he meant. I’m sorry, little buddy. I’m so sorry. And I knew he was. I know he still is. But I really did forgive him, because I can’t stay mad for long, and because he has been making an effort since to check in with me a lot more.
And to hug me longer, and notice if I hug him longer, too. It isn’t just me who would do anything for Darry or Pony, Ace or Steve, anyone in the gang or who the gang loves. They would do anything for me, too.