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You sit in your secret corner of the world and get lost in your journal, something you rarely shared because Penelope was always better at writing than you; you were afraid if you ever shared it with her she would judge.
You hadn’t realized someone was at your door until he cleared his throat.
You jump and catch your jar of ink before it could spill (or ruin another dress). “Col- Colin,” you nervously chuckle. “I hadn’t expected to see you today.”
He offers a charming smile, one he uses to woo the other girls of the ton.
You frown and quickly set your journal aside on your vanity. “What’s brought you to my corner of the world?”
“Can’t I visit my soon to be wife without a reason?”
You cross your arms, staring out the window in front of you. "You and I both know this is to help me this season until my aunt can find me a suitor to save her from her debt my uncle left her in.”
“I did not realize you were one to gossip,” he teases.
“It’s only gossip if it is read by all who are here.”
“I suppose you would be right but, I came for a reason.”
“And what would that be?”
You turn towards him.
A knock on your door alerts you two.
You smile at Penelope. “Cousin, how are we?”
“Do you have plans for today?”
You tilt your head, glancing over at your journal. “I can’t say that I do.”
She smiles, “could you accompany me to the modiste?”
You suck in a deep breath, needing to get out of the stuffy room. “I’d love to.”
Colin reaches for you but drops his hand as soon as your cousin leaves.
“We shall continue this later?” You ask, stuffing your journal in a drawer.
“Uh- yes- I- will I see you later tonight?”
You nod, “my aunt will not let me stay home like I wish.”
“It'll be good because I shall be there of course.”
You roll your eyes, “I'm afraid you should leave before my aunt starts calculating how she will spend our fortune.”
He lowers his head, not wanting everyone to see the amused expression you've brought to his face. “We definitely don't want that.”
-
As soon as Madame Delacrioux stepped away to fetch your new fabrics, Penelope decided to make conversation. “I see you and Colin are getting close.”
You frown. “I am not.”
“The way he was acting tells me otherwise.”
“You don't know our relationship.”
She halts, not purposely trying to hit on your suitor.
“I,” you sigh. “I apologize, Pen but there are things that I can discuss and wish to discuss but neither are matters I wish to speak of now.” You walk around, picking up the newest fabric you’ve seen in here. “Especially with Lady Whistledown in the midst of all our lives.”
Your cousin holds her breath. “What- what do you mean?”
“She nearly ruined the Bridgerton’s lives enough times to count, I’m afraid if she found out- I- it would be terrible. Your mama would certainly disown me and I would no doubt lose my dowry.”
She shakes her head, “that’s not true.”
You turn to her and give her a sad smile. “Isn’t it though?”
Penelope purses her lips. “Lady Whistledown only does that to-”
You shake your head. “I,” you sigh. “It’s okay. What is meant to be will happen. I only hope she does not learn my reasons for marriage.”
She furrows her brows. “What does that mean?”
You reach for a gorgeous green fabric that would look beautiful on your cousin. “I am to help your mother and so I shall.”
She smiles, rolling her eyes. “But that doesn’t-”
You place the fabric on her and nod to Madam Delacrioux.
She stares at you while you step away, speaking to the seamstress. “Oh no,” she mutters.
You smile and return to her side.
“You’re to marry Colin to get mother out of debt?”
You glance down at the floor. “I am doing my duty,” you weakly answer.
“But you always wished to marry for love. I mean, you can’t go back on your word now.”
“It’s not going back on my word if it was never forgone in the first place.” You intertwin her arm and yours. “Come now, we must make haste to have tea with Daphne. She wishes to offer advice and I couldn’t bear to go alone.”
She quietly nods, wondering where everything went wrong.
-
Your afternoon tea with Daphne was not as dreadful as you imagined it to be.
She only wanted to talk and spend the afternoon together to have some time away from her husband and little boy. She loves them dearly but also needs a moment for herself.
Penelope also found a way to enjoy herself despite worrying about you and your future.
She always thought you and Colin would be better suited despite her small crush she had on him as a little girl. She whole heartedly believed Colin had feelings for you and wouldn’t just offer himself to play a part in your plan.
She had to speak to him before it was too late.
-
“Colin,” she hissed as she called out to him. Penelope stood there waiting for him to finish chatting with someone she could care less about right now. “Colin.”
He smiles and takes his leave. “What is so important you had to call me away from the priest?”
She flushes at the knowledge of it being the priest she pulled him away from. “Oh.” She shakes her head. “I apologize for that, Colin but this is important.” She says your name and panic takes over him.
“What? Is- is she alright?”
She nods, “she is for now until you two are wed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know why you have proposed your hand to my cousin but you cannot truly wed her without feelings.”
She doesn’t stop to see how his face hardens at her words, misunderstanding her before she continues.
“She has always wished to marry for love, not of convenience or to be used as a pawn. That has been her dream since she was a child so whatever plan you two have made, end it before she gets hurt.”
She walks away without giving him a chance to explain.
-
A few days went by without a word from the third eldest Bridgerton and it was a… relief for the most part.
Your aunt was less than suspicious of anything being afoot as Penelope’s new look was turning heads. That is, until the newest Whistledown article came out.
Penelope’s eyes widened at her mother’s scream.
Your heart beats faster as your bedroom door slams open.
“What have you done?”
“What?”
She slams the article on the table.
You furrow your brows as you skim over it.
-
Dearest gentle reader,
It seems the highlight of the season is not just Miss Penelope Featherington’s new look but of her cousin’s plans as well.
One might think it is a noble quest for their cousin to marry in order to get the Featherington’s out of debt. If not for the torture they will endure when doing so.
Colin Bridgerton is a kind and gentle man to put his hat in at the request of Miss Featherington even if it means his family’s reputation be tarnished.
Their plan consisted of a fake betrothal to help get the Featherington’s out of the debt passed Senior left them in. But not at a free cost.
Miss Featherington came up with a plan to pay the lord back in due time once it was settled.
A pity it is that she is not marrying for love as she so purely wished and wrote vividly in her spare time. If only their plan didn’t fall into the wrong hands.
Someone needs to not keep things out in the open for prying eyes.
-
Your eyes widened at the sight. “I- you can’t believe it.”
“Then why did I find this, exactly where it was written.” She slammed your journal down on your vanity.
“I- Aunt Portia you cannot shun me out!”
“I can do what I see fit. You will stay here until I figure out what to do with you.”
-
Penelope sneaks into your room some time later. “I,” she clears her throat. “I heard what happened.”
You didn't remove your head from your hands. You sniffle.
“I have a note from Colin.”
You lift your head rolling your eyes. “I don't wish to hear it.” You push yourself off the floor. “I want nothing to do with him.”
Her jaw drops.
You wipe your cheeks. “I am done with my plan. Your mother is to send me away after the season due to my horrid behavior as she so kindly put it before she and your sisters left.”
“Wha- she doesn't truly intend to-”
You place your hands on her shoulders. “ Pen, I love you but I cannot stay here in the ton much longer. After your wedding-”
“I am not betrothed?”
“I can see it within you. Lord Debling likes you and you him.” You sigh and pull yourself away.
“Now, if you'll excuse me-” You furrow your brows after opening your vanity drawer. “Where is-” You mutter. “Pen, have you seen my journal?”
She places the note on the corner of the vanity as she turns to the chest at the end of your bed, handing it to you.
Your mind is fuzzy. “I- I never placed it there. Ever.”
You clutched it tight in your hands. “Penelope, how did you know it was there?”
She pauses, furrowing her brows as she thinned her lips. “I guessed where you hide it after Lady Whistledown's article.”
“I never put it there after your mother screamed at me. Why was it there?” Your knuckles are white from how tight you hold it. “Penelope.”
“I- I don't know what you want me to say?”
“Why did you know it was there? I want an answer.”
“And I have given it to you. Now if you'll excuse me.”
“Penelope Featherington!” You shout, keeping her in place. “Why?”
“I am Whistledown!”
You feel sick as you gulp. “What?”
“I- I am Lady Whistledown,” she whispers.
“You- you are,” you cover your mouth. “What?”
“I-I am Lady Whistledown,” she sniffles. “I am the one writing the articles. I am her.”
“You,” you tear up, repeating her words. “You cannot be her, Penelope. She- she is cruel and- and unkind. She has tarnished reputations and messed with people's lives! You are to tell me you are her?!” Your bottom lip quivers.
She nods.
You close your eyes, holding back your tears as much as you can. You take a deep breath. “You have hurt so many people. Your friends. Me.”
“I know,” she nods as her voice wobbles. “I know but- but it was all for a good reason.”
You scoff, wiping your cheeks before stepping closer to her. You grab her arm and shove the journal into her grasp. “Save it, Penelope. Take whatever you want from this and publish all that you want.” You step back, turning away from her. “And stay away from me.”
Her jaw drops, cheeks wet with fresh tears. “I-”
“I will be at your wedding but I will not discuss any matter with you prior to it.”
You don't remember how the rest of the night went, not even your aunt knew what to do with the two of you not speaking.
-
Colin tried sending letters but each time they were sent back, unread. He fought to meet Penelope but was unsuccessful as her own proposal was underway.
He continuously grew tired and relentless among his siblings.
Even his own mother was beginning to tire of his sour demeanor.
He hardly saw you out anymore and knew something was wrong when you did not send word from his first letter he sent after the article was published.
-
You finished packing your trunk, slamming the top down. You sigh, taking a (regretful) long breath.
You glance around the room. A saddened pain causes your chest to tighten.
You sit upon your vanity one last time, wanting a peaceful memory of you sitting here instead of always thinking of your bitter fight with your cousin.
You open the drawer, the one where you normally kept your journal, finding it and the unread letter from Colin. You furrow your brows, unsure of where it came from- you lower your head.
Of course, it was the newly engaged redhead.
You sigh, running your fingers over the cover before setting it on top of the vanity. You eyed your name, wondering how long it took him to write.
Colin's penmanship was always something he wished to rush as a child.
You ripped the seal and opened the letter.
-
Dearest,
I am sorry. It was not I who shared our plan, with anyone, you must believe me. I would have not done so in fear of tarnishing your reputation.
If you do not, I will understand but I wish to see you first.
If you no longer wish to wed, I will come to understand but I need to see you first.
If you no longer wish to continue with our plan, I will accept.
Do write to me soon. I worry about your place with your aunt.
Penelope will help with our letters, do not worry of how your response will find me.
Colin
-
You lower the letter from your gaze and glance up, finding your cousin standing there. “I- I did not mean to barge in. I knocked but you were entranced by your letter.”
You nodded. “I know you wouldn't.”
A small, nervous smile stretches across her lips. “Mother informed me of your departure.”
You nod. “Yes. I thought it was wise to go out on my own and return to my parents estate before another- well, before you decide to write about me and my personal endeavors again."
She shakes her head. “I do not.”
You stand and stop before her. “If you must, then I know you will.”
She shakes her head, opening her mouth but you stop her.
“It would look suspicious if you did not write about me.”
“It would but not at the cost of losing the only other person I turn to for support in all things that is life.”
You scoff. “Oh, please do not use that in your next article.”
She chuckles. “I don't know. It sounded like it's article worthy.”
You hum, staring at her with an amused expression.
“I don't know how Colin will be while you are gone.”
“Right,” you suck in air through your teeth. “He does not know.”
“What?”
You offer a weak smile. “I have only read his letter you gave to me the day your article about me was published-”
“Why- are you not going to tell him?”
You sit upon the chest and bury your face in your hands. “I do not know.”
“You can't leave without speaking to him-”
“I know, Pen! I know,” you groan.
She sighs, taking a seat beside you.
You perk up, grasping her arm. “You can give him a letter just as I leave.”
“What? That's absurd! You must speak to him,” she tries to ration with you.
“I cannot see him.”
“Why not?”
“I,” you pause, releasing her arm. “I- if I see him, I will not want to leave and there are some matters I am to take care of.”
“Surely, he would understand-"
“You are not, understanding, Pen,” you hiss. “I cannot see him because if I do- I-” You sigh. “I will never be able to face him or tell him I cannot marry him if he stands here before me.”
“You love him, do you not?”
A mix of a scoff and a chuckle escapes you. “I- I do but with your mother disowning me and then my father's business issues heading way towards me, there is only so much a woman can take before she breaks. Adding love into the mix only makes it messier.”
Your maid from your family's home, knocks with a wide smile.
“I have a letter to write and then I have an errand to run before we may go.”
She nods.
You hurry with the letter, hardly listening to a word your cousin says. “Here,” you hand it to her. “Once I have returned and the carriage is gone, give this to Colin.”
“Are you sure?”
You solemnly nod. “I am.”
-
You wander the stores, searching for a new fabric to have a shawl custom made as a wedding gift for Penelope.
The stores near your family's home are not as well stocked as the ones here.
You put in your request with Madame Delacroix before returning home.
-
Meanwhile, your cousin hurried off to the Bridgerton's home in search of the one you are running from.
Benedict stood up from his seat, surprised to see her. “Oh, hello, Penelope. How are you?”
She huffs, out of breath. “Fine. Where is your brother?”
“Which one?” He jokes.
“You know which one. Colin. Where is Colin?”
His joking demeanor fades as he takes note of her seriousness. “I- last I heard, he was out back.”
She nods and scurries out in search of the third eldest Bridgerton boy. “Colin?” She turns a corner and finds him skulking on the stairs. “Colin!”
His head turns at her voice, his brows furrow at the sight of her rushing towards him.
“You must- she is leaving.”
“Who is leaving?”
She explains the whole story, even including that she is Lady Whistledown which upsets him greatly.
“I- you- where is she?” He pushes himself off the stairs.
“I- I don't know. She said she had an errand to run and would return home to leave soon after. I am unsure of where she currently is now.” She shakes her head. “You must make haste Colin or I am afraid we will never see her again.”
He nods and pauses, turning back toward her. “Why are you helping me?”
“I know of your feelings for her and hers of yours. She- I have a letter I am to give you once she has departed but I am giving it to you now so that you can bring her home.” She holds the letter out for him to take. “Bring her back.”
He grasps the letter before running toward the stable, grabbing a horse. He knows if he tried to call for a carriage he would be far too late to get you and it terrifies him to lose you for good.
-
You lower your hand from the curtain, no longer wanting to sadden you with the sight of your home fading from your view.
A horse neighing wildly came closer as the carriage abruptly stopped.
You lurched forward, wincing at the pain in your knees and wheezing at the loss of breath as it feels like your corset dug deeper into you.
The door flings open.
You turn your head before squeezing your eyes shut and lower your head.
A soft voice calls for you as a gentle grasp holds your arm.
“Col- Colin?”
A nervous smile breaks across his lips. “You were leaving without saying goodbye?” He carefully pulls you up.
You lift your head and realize just how close he is. Your breath stutters until you gather your thoughts and pull away, sitting in the seat as you press your hands into the skirt of your dress.
The door closes.
“It is not polite to be in a carriage alone with an unwed woman.”
“Is it not just as impolite to leave without saying goodbye to the one who was your husband?”
You scoff. “You know exactly what that was, do not pretend otherwise.”
“I am not pretending if that is what I am. Am I not your soon to be husband?”
You roll your eyes, keeping your gaze on the curtain. “No,” you lie. “You are not.”
He hums, reaching for the letter he kept in his pocket for safe keeping. “So, it was not you who wrote ‘You are the breath I need to continue living’ after writing how you were leaving to keep me safe from your own desires as you pretended not to know I care for you more than any other man could.”
You gasp, “what?”
He pushes himself off the seat opposite of yours and kneels in front of you. “I intend to keep my promise to you and that is to wed you.” He takes your hand in his. “I came here so that you would not leave because I knew if you did, I would know what it was like to lose the world's most precious beauty, my beauty.”
He lowers his head onto your hand, his forehead resting on it. “I could not let you leave knowing you would take a piece of me with you.” He gently kisses the back of your hand. “I could not let you leave without seeing you or hearing if you truly love me as much as you have written you do.”
“I-" You sigh, tightening your grasp on him. “Colin, I- you must know I was leaving with good intentions.”
“No intention is good if you are leaving me alone.”
“You have your life to live. You need not worry about me,” you whisper, weakly attempting to pull your hand away. “I- please do not make this harder than it needs to be.”
“I am not. If you truly wish to leave, tell me you do not want me.”
“Colin, you cannot be serious.”
“If you truly wish to leave, you must tell me you do not love me.” His grasp tightens on your hand.
“I cannot do that,” you whisper.
“Why not?” He leans in close. “Tell me why you cannot.”
Your eyes soften. “You know why.”
“Tell me anyway.” He is so close.
You risk a glance down to his lips. “I cannot tell you what you already know.” You can tell by the glint in his eye, he caught your look.
“Colin,” you plead.
“Tell me, dearest. What is it you need?” He leans in, breath fanning against your lips.
“Don't let me leave.”
“I never planned to.” His hand cups your cheek causing you to look into his eyes. “If you did, I would follow. I am but a man and there is certainty that you would find me close by because you have enamored me since youth and I,” a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “I found myself longing to be closer to you anyway you would allow me. If you go, I will be with you.”
You grasp the collar of his jacket pulling him closer for a kiss. “Never let me go,” you mumble in between kisses when you pull away for air.
His breath fans across your jaw, little kisses trail along it as he hovers over your ear. “I cannot let my little dreamer go. You are my muse in life and I am lost without you. When we wed I will make that clear.”
You forgo all rational thoughts as his hands skims up your leg and to your core.
“Let me hear you,” he pants.
“The others will hear,” you whimper.
“Let them. I am yours as I pray you are mine.”
-
You pause before readjusting your dress, not wanting to look as unlady-like as you imagine you do. “I am.”
He hums, struggling to button his coat.
You scoot closer to him and help as you finish you raise your head, staring him in his eyes. “I am yours. You said you are mine as you pray I am yours. I am confirming I am yours.”
His eyes soften as a soft smile stretches across his lips. “Good. Shall we inform my family of the good news?”
You raise a brow. “Colin, we haven't- I haven't taken care of my duties at home and you have not returned your horse to your stable. There is more than that-”
He kisses you to cut you off. “We will take care of your duties. I will come with you, if allowed after we return the horse and inform your cousin of our plan.”
You purse your lips. “I don't like you putting your duties on hold for me.”
“It is not putting anything on hold if I am joining you in this new journey of our life.”
You huff. “Fine. We shall go to your home and then go.”
“Splendid.” He exits the carriage, informing your driver of the new plan before returning. “It seems your family has two weddings to celebrate.”
You hum, “yes if my aunt does not have my head about the secret estate I have.”
“I never liked her. It would be quite entertaining to see her face red.”
You click your tongue. “Mind your tongue, darling.”
He holds your hand, scooting closer.
“But you might be right. Now, I can send her your way when she is upset.”
“What? Why me?”
“You are my husband, that is now one of your marital duties. Calming my aunt.”
“Can I revoke my confession?”
You shake your head with a cheshire smile. “No.”
“You are lucky I love you.”
“I think it is you who is lucky.”
“I suppose you are right.”