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prologue
If there was something Sigma wished for on their first day of school, that was having a nice and normal three year string. Nothing much, right? But, for him, it meant everything.
Up until then, his upbringing had been-- well, less than normal, to say the least. Less than ideal. Sure, as an orphan who had never met their family, everything could have been way worse… but everything could have been way better, that too. After all, as far as he knew, no normal kid struggled with memory gaps from their early years that big, nor were they versed in dealing cards and cleaning up after drunk patrons at a casino all while pulling all-nighters to study in the hopes of getting into a good high-school. But, hey, those hopes had been fulfilled, and there he was, so now they could focus on the calm and normalcy.
Or maybe not, for Sigma was bound to catch the attention of no one other than one of their most eccentric upperclassmen.
It all started on that same first day of school, fairly earlier than the hour classes were supposed to start at but exactly at the hour Sigma had wanted to arrive at-- a countermeasure just in case they got confused with directions, which hadn’t happened at all. Still by design, anyway; being there before most if not all other students made their entrances had seemed like a good idea to get used to the place before it got crowded.
The cons of it? An empty school really felt lonely.
Of course, that was silly, and more so since it would be less than an hour until class started, which meant such a feeling was going to be temporary… and, in fact, ended up lasting even less than expected, too.
“Oh, my, my!!!” A voice called out, filled to the brim with more than obvious excitement. “You’re one of the first years.”
That wasn’t a question, and also it didn’t take long before the owner of said voice appeared in Sigma’s field of vision; a boy with long white hair tied up in a braid and a magnetic stare, as well as seemingly athletic in a way a gymnast was. Pretty eyes too, or at least ‘eye’ in singular, since the other one was hidden by an eyepatch that inspired questions: was it for vision correcting purposes, or had the eye been damaged to the point of not working anymore, had he had surgery…? The latter options weren’t unlikely, since his visible eye was scarred. But-- of course, it would be rude to ask, too invasive.
Even when the boy didn’t have any issue when it came to getting into Sigma’s space, fluttering around him like a hummingbird.
“I’m Nikolai, by the way! Nikolai Gogol.” He said, stopping to bow as if he was up on a stage instead of the school’s hall instead, then took Sigma’s hand in both of his and lifted it up. “Nice to meet you, and don’t worry about anything!!! You have your trusted senpai right here.” Funny, how that was a perfect example of invasiveness, somewhat. And yet, if Sigma’s heart rate spiked up, it wasn’t all due to the unfamiliarity of it all.
Nor was it due to being uncomfortable, even if in theory they should be, either.
“Sigma, nice to meet you too.” They replied, as politely as possible and trying to keep at least a smidge of composure. Difficult, though, when attracting attention by just being there wasn’t something he was used to.
“Oh?” There was curiosity in Nikolai’s voice. “Just Sigma?” When Sigma nodded in response, he grinned like the Cheshire Cat. “Mhm, that sounds like you got an interesting story, my dear Siggy.” His dear what? Besides, they couldn’t help but disagree. More or less.
“Well, I don’t think I’m that interesting.” He said, shrugging.
“See, that’s what you think indeed! Lemme be the judge of that, okay?” Was Nikolai’s swift reply, letting go of their hands only to boop Sigma’s nose with his index finger as he smiled again, smugly. Determined, even.
“Alright.” Sigma said, shrugging; something was already telling them there was no stopping that boy when it came to whatever he had his mind set on. Or that, at least, Sigma himself was powerless to stop him-- which was both deeply fascinating and a tad bit scary, actually.
i
Shortly after meeting him, two things became crystal clear for Sigma:
One, how there might not be a better guide for his first day of school than Nikolai, given the way in which he knew the place by heart and was at the very least acquainted with everyone; there was no one among the progressively arriving students who didn’t know his name, and Sigma had yet to meet someone who was indifferent to him.
Two, any hopes they had about calm and normalcy had been thrown out the window by virtue of associating with Nikolai, because he was the embodiment of theatrics and due to him instantly introducing them to his fellow second-years, already singling him out from other newcomers by virtue of having instant connections with their seniors-- though, to be fair, that was done by the moment Nikolai approached him, anyway, and it was good to have contacts from higher years too. Even if he wasn’t going to become much of a fan of the main two.
“Hi! This is Sigma, our new kôhai.” Was how Nikolai chose to start introductions, lifting up one of Sigma’s arms to make them wave. Strange, but somewhat endearing.
“The day hasn’t even ended, and you have adopted a first-year already.” One of those main two started out, a boy with dark, shoulder-length hair which contrasted quite starkly to his companion’s, long and white. Also, the latter seemed to be the only Japanese person in the group, which quickly got confirmed when names were exchanged; Fyodor Dostoevsky and Shibusawa Tatsuhiko, because of course they both picked the name-surname order that felt more natural to them. Not like Sigma could judge, when they didn’t even have a surname to begin with nor had he tried to pick one either. Not yet, at least.
“I’d say ‘we’ have, by proxy, but I’m not that sure if Gogol-kun is really keen on sharing.” Shibusawa added, grinning when Fyodor rolled his eyes. “Nice to meet you, Sigma-kun. Good luck.”
Sigma really, really hoped he was wishing them good luck for class-related reasons.
ii
A few days after the term started, Nikolai caught up to him at the entrance by the time classes ended and people were already heading for either their respective clubs or home. Sigma was one of the former, since less than a week was by no means enough time for them to decide what to join, if any.
“Siggy!! Can we walk home together?”
“Oh.” It would be nice to have someone who knew these streets more than them, and so far Sigma had no complaints about the way Nikolai had been acting towards him, despite still being surprised (and a tad overwhelmed) by all the attention. “Of course, yes.”
“Cool!!” And, without more preamble, he resumed walking. “We can do this anytime, by the way.” Any time both their hours to leave aligned, of course, which Sigma was going to find out were many. “And the other way around, coming here in the mornings too, obvi.” Which was easier, since entering class at the same hour was a given.
iii
“SIGMA-KUN!!!”
Such was the way in which another future habit started forming, by Nikolai’s head popping up from behind the class’ door as he called out to him. Sigma couldn’t help but jump a little, due to how sudden the whole thing had been, and then took a moment to simply stare in surprise: as silly as it was, they would have never expected Nikolai to seek him at lunch hour too.
(It was definitely silly, since that was the guy who had taken the initiative when it came to their establishing walks both from and towards home, and always took his time to chat whenever they bumped into each other in the hallways-- to the point of almost getting late to class more than once.
But, hey, Sigma was still getting used to the attention.)
“Gogol-senpai’s looking for you.” A classmate also announced, just in case he had somehow missed said senpai yelling out their name, loud enough to be heard over all the overlapping conversations which just kept increasing in volume.
“Thanks.” Sigma said anyway, for that intervention became the final nudge he needed to start moving.
Though there was no need to go very far; soon after, Nikolai was already by his desk, carrying a bag that presumably contained his meal for the day. He didn’t take a seat, by the way, but simply grinned at Sigma instead.
“We’re having lunch on the rooftop, wanna come?”
“We?” They asked, already fetching his own food and proceeding to get up. And no, Sigma didn’t miss all the curious eyes on the two of them-- the plan sounded great to him, but even if that hadn’t been the case, they still would rather go somewhere else instead in order to not have to worry about the whispers that would very likely follow those glances.
Gossip was inevitable, but having to directly witness it wasn’t.
“You, me, Fedya and Shibusawa-kun. Unless they’re gone, since Dos-kun has this super long chess match with Dazai-kun from another school, and guess who’s their number one audience member.” Nikolai shrugged. “So it may very well be just you and me, Siggy.”
In a heartbeat, Sigma found himself wishing that was exactly the case, and not just because Fyodor and Shibusawa weren’t exactly saints of their devotion.
Sigma’s wish was, for the record, granted.
“... and my friend Mushi, who’s from the same school as Dazai-- ah, he’s so tired of that. And I get it, ‘cause he’s got very legit reasons to have beef with Dosto, will pick apart everything he does, and in this case’s kinda right. But it’s so funny!!” Nikolai was saying as they both ate. “I gotta introduce you two, by the way, you’d get along.”
“Seems like it, for sure.” Despite losing no time in agreeing, Sigma did hold back from commenting on having similar feelings towards Fyodor might be a point for bonding; it would be rude, and he in turn didn’t have any actual reasons save for how Dostoevsky himself wasn’t a fan of them either. Besides, it should be a bit redundant, since that was already somewhat implied in Nikolai’s words-- for better or worse, he had noticed it.
Not surprisingly, though, Nikolai was very perceptive and Sigma’s poker faces were a feature that didn’t work outside card games and/or customer service jobs.
“Stay on rehearsal days, and it might happen soon, he’s a fellow fan of theater too.” Then, Nikolai grinned from ear to ear, but not even such a gesture was enough for Sigma to anticipate what was coming next. “Though I hope you come mostly for me, by the way.” He said, winking at him.
Sigma almost choked on their water, heat starting to spread through his cheeks.
iv
Nikolai’s invitation, the possibility of meeting the famous Mushi (short of Mushitarô) and being overall curious about the theatre club did indeed end up driving Sigma towards the auditorium on rehearsal day after class-- and their ranking of priorities might as well be easily sorted in that same order, too.
That wasn’t to say he was disinterested in theatre as a whole; quite the opposite.
Upon arriving, the first thing his eyes noticed was how everyone was wearing their costumes for whatever the next upcoming play was about, or at least parts of said costumes. That meant how: 1) despite still having tons of room to be surprised about the plot, Sigma could quickly infer there were pirates involved, for that was the way in which most of the people up on stage had dressed as and 2) Nikolai looked quite good in his own, with fitted trousers and the classic white open shirt, which wasn’t difficult because he was a rather good-looking guy, and…
… Damn.
For better or for worse, though, they barely had any time to process the aforementioned realization, since all thought in his mind was set to a halt when two pairs of footsteps revealed how Sigma wasn’t alone anymore.
“Oh, huh. Hi.” He said, turning their head as if having been caught doing something wrong-- which definitely wasn’t the case. But.
“Sigma, right?” One of the two boys who had just joined him asked. His appearance and uniform already hinted at him being Nikolai’s friend, which got confirmed rather quickly too. “Oguri Mushitarô, nice to meet you. Though, with how much Nikolai talks about you, I almost knew you already.” A small laugh came after that, as if he hadn’t just given Sigma even more food for thought, to the point they almost missed Mushitarô nudging to his companion to introduce himself.
“Hi, I-- I’m Poe. Edgar. Poe.” A raccoon Sigma had no idea how he could have been brought into the school was perched on his shoulder, and right after he finished the introduction, the boy took a seat and opened a notebook. “Nice to meet you, too.” Shortly after, he was scribbling rather intensely.
He, by the way, was from a third school as well.
“This is, like, the introvert corner already. But he’s also pretty, shy too, so…” Was the explanation he got from Mushitarô, who shrugged right after. “Anyway, I should congratulate Nikolai-kun for the improvement.”
“Improvement on what?” Sigma lost no time in inquiring.
“Taste, of course.”
Before they had time to keep asking, because obviously that response had only spawned more questions, rehearsal properly started, and so Sigma’s attention flew away from anything that wasn’t related to the play. To the play in general, and to Nikolai in particular.
It was impossible to know Nikolai and not be aware of how much he loved acting, but not even that didn’t hold a candle to the way in which it showed when he was doing it; it seemed as if he had morphed into embodying the character himself, conveying every emotion with a level of skill one couldn’t help but marvel at. And, when scenes were done and it could be said he had come back into himself, his radiant smiles signaled his enjoyment.
Long story short, Sigma had been mesmerized, to the point of hearing the end of practice felt like being woken up from a trance.
And to the point of knowing he was going to attend every time they could, too.
v
Walking together to and from school had ended up meaning that, when Sigma got to the street, Nikolai was usually waiting for them already, all prepared to go. And that day was no different, even if there was indeed a novelty; instead of just having walked there, he was on a bicycle Sigma had never seen before.
“Hi, Nikolai.” He greeted, first and foremost, then there came the most obvious question. “Is that old or new?”
“Kinda both.” Nikolai replied, shrugging. “It was collecting dust at one of Mushimushi’s ‘not friends’ house--” As he spoke, he lifted a hand to make a quotation mark sign, letting them know he didn’t believe Mushitarô in the slightest. To be honest, and despite not knowing the boy that much yet, Sigma could easily see why he didn’t. “Anyway, he didn’t want it, so that’s how it got to my hands! Been fixing it up a little since then, now’s ready.”
“Wow, is there anything you don’t know how to do?” Escaped Sigma’s lips with no effort from his part to contain it.
“Aw, plenty.” Nikolai shrugged. “But… I ain’t telling you, that’s something you gotta find out by yourself.” Him offering such a challenge wasn’t something they had expected, but it sort of made sense. And-- well, Sigma was more than up for it. “Now come on, or we’ll be late. You don’t wanna be late, right?”
There, Sigma’s first reaction was blinking partly in surprise and partly in disbelief, as the realization came.
“I have to hop on.” He began, as if saying the words out loud made them make… hm, making sense wasn’t the right way to explain it. More like, it would make it real, less of a scary idea. “On the bike. That’s for one person only.”
“Yep!” Nikolai nodded, rather energetically. “Don’t worry, though. I’m the one who’s gonna do most of the job, you just gotta sit and hang on.”
“Mhm?”
“And look pretty, too, but that’s a given.” In barely an instant, Sigma blushed from head to toe.
There was no way that could go unnoticed, thus they opted for the next best option; moving towards something else and hope for the best, which was Nikolai not commenting on it despite having a front row seat to witness him looking redder than a tomato. So, Sigma did get on the bike, latched onto Nikolai’s body quite tightly (tighter than necessary, both for self-preservating and self-indulgent reasons)... and tried not to gasp too loud when, once ready, Nikolai set the bicycle in motion at a remarkable speed. Yes, giggling too.
Keyword in ‘too loud’, also, because not gasping at all became a titanic task.
True to his word, Nikolai was indeed the one doing most of the job when it came to riding the bike, while all Sigma needed to do was holding on.
And, despite not feeling completely calm until they were already at school and parking, they couldn’t deny it hadn’t been that bad. Especially due to the physical closeness the arrangement had needed.
“Had fun, Siggy?” Nikolai was the first one getting his feet on the ground, still hiding the bicycle with one hand for extra balance, and holding out the other for Sigma to take too-- which he couldn’t resist doing, not even when being fully sure they didn’t need the help.
“Sometimes it felt like I was on a rollercoaster instead.” They replied, letting himself be guided by Nikolai to jump the small distance separating them from going back to standing. “But, yes, it was.”
“Don’t like rollercoasters, hm?”
“It depends. What I’m not much of a fan of, is the feeling of falling off when they drop you from a big height. Though I’ve never tried before.” He couldn’t say it was a proper fear of heights, since it was more specifically related to dreading the sudden plummeting, no matter how safe the ride was.
“Hm.” After securing the bike by properly stationing it in one of the spots reserved for that purpose, Nikolai tapped his chin with one finger. “What about a ferris wheel?”
Sigma needed a moment, not because the question required thinking, but because both their hands still being linked together was making focusing difficult, and they didn’t want to make a fool of himself.
“Oh, that’s fine.” In an instant, Nikolai smiled.
“Wonderful! We gotta try one day, then.” He added, so casually and sweet something stirred inside Sigma’s chest. “In the meantime, though, wanna go watch a movie?”
vi
‘Is this a date?’
Silly as the question may seem (and definitely seemed), Sigma couldn’t help but wonder anyway. But, being their first proper date (in the case that it was, and all signs pointed to yes), Sigma also was justified when it came to being a tad bit confused, right? For all he knew, given how his experience in that department was minimal even if not zero, Nikolai could have simply suggested a hangout.
Together. Likely alone since none of them had brought up inviting other people.
So, yes, it was at least 99% safe to assume that was indeed a date-- Sigma was still worried about the remaining 1%, though, and there were only two ways around getting an answer: waiting for more context clues to gather more information, or taking a direct approach and asking.
One option was embarrassing, but would get things over with quickly, and the other may save them from awkwardness a bit more but still had the risk of not getting answers. Therefore…
“Nikolai. Is this a date?” Sigma pretty much blurted out not that long after meeting up, as the two of them were walking towards the cinema.
Nikolai’s first reaction towards the question being a small laugh didn’t help.
“Aw, are you doubting, pookie?” At least, both the way in he countered with a question of his own and the pet name made it clear what his answer was; a clear, rotund ‘of course’ that left no room for doubt.
“Well, it’s not like I’ve had tons of these.” They shrugged, already feeling his cheeks starting to heat up. “So… a bit, yeah.”
“That’s cute.” Nikolai lost no time in replying, making things better in general but worse when it came to their face reddening in particular. Especially after what came right after that. “Not tons or not at all, by the way?” When a gasp escaped from Sigma’s mouth with no possibility of containing it, he waved one hand as if taking importance off the matter. “Don’t worry, you don’t gotta impress me.” That same hand ended up used to poke Sigma’s nose. “You’ve done that already, y’know?”
He felt as if they were on the road to exploding. And it wasn’t so bad, strangely.
“I mean, I’ve kissed before, but we never really dated or anything.” Sigma said, shrugging once again. “That’s not a sad story, though. We’re cool.”
“Good to know.” Yes, Nikolai was going to make them explode sooner or later. More like sooner, at that rate, and more so since he wasn’t stopping at all. “And now tell me, ‘cause you haven’t yet: did you want this to be a date?”
Stopping or not, that last question also prompted them to let out a small laugh, evidently relaxing as well. There was no way Nikolai didn’t know the answer to it, since Sigma bringing up the topic and their blushing were more than enough hints-- or rather, tells… yet he had asked anyway. So there was no doubt he had done it on purpose, and they appreciated it.
“You want me to say it, right.” Sigma wasn’t asking. “And yes, of course.”
“I did.” Nikolai confirmed, rather shamelessly. “So thanks.”
On the walk home, they were holding hands, which still got Sigma a bit rosy-cheeked but barely even nervous; nervousness had barely attacked ever since it became crystal clear both were on the same page, after all.
“If you’d like to come over for dinner, Mushi-kun’s getting his boyfriends too, and there’ll be like. A ton of pizza, I kid you not.” Nikolai commented, as they passed by a neighbourhood that was not yet close to where Sigma lived. “You have to be careful with Ranpo-kun, though, ‘cause he eats like Kirby. You blink for a sec, and--” He raised his free hand, snapping his fingers. “BAM!!! Food gone.”
Yes, the offer was tempting. But also… curiosity had overcome them.
“That sounds great.” Sigma nodded, smiling, then proceeded to satisfy said curiosity before they reached their new objective. “By the way… I just noticed we don’t live as close by as I first thought.”
“Well, if you’re worried about going home late, we can go with you. Or you could sleep here too, there’s spare rooms and all.”
“No, I mean-- both are fine. It’s just that…” Sigma made a pause, staring at him with a soft smile on his face. “This means you’ve been taking a detour so we go to school and come back together every day.” Such an admission made Nikolai giggle, as if he was a little kid who just had been caught with his hand on the cookie jar between meals.
“My, you discovered me.” Then there came another giggle. “And what are you gonna do now, sweetie?”
In response to that, and because it was something they had been wanting to do more and more as time passed, Sigma went on his tiptoes, wrapping his arms around Nikolai’s shoulders with clear intent. And he understood pretty quickly as well, for Sigma was still completing those actions when Nikolai leaned in to make things easier.
Soon after, their lips got locked together.
epilogue
Sigma didn’t think about it much when, around five minutes till the end of their lunch break, Nikolai linked their hands together and guided him through a hallway. He did think about it much, though, when it was crystal clear the destination he had in mind wasn’t their usual classroom. Or Nikolai’s, by that matter.
“Hm… aren’t we going to be late?” It was a tentative question, one that definitely confirmed his suspicions when Nikolai offered him a wide, mischievous grin as an answer.
“Yeah and nope!” At that point, his boyfriend was smiling from ear to ear. “Does it count as being late if we don’t go at all? ‘Cause I think not really.” Sigma was about to protest, when he carried on. “Besides, do you really wanna spend the next hour in the most boring classes we both have when we can have actual fun? Booh.”
“It’s boring as hell, sure, but that doesn’t mean we can just–” He never really got to counter-argument that, since Nikolai opening the door of an empty classroom and sweeping them inside in a dance-like motion took Sigma’s all focus away. And soon after, he had one of Nikolai’s hands around his waist, the other over his cheek, and his lips brushing their own.
It was a dirty move, maybe, but an effective one; latching onto Nikolai just as quickly and tenderly, Sigma gave in to the kiss and even motioned to deepen it, relishing in Nikolai’s lips as if he had spent weeks without his kisses and not less than an hour at most.
Class could definitely wait.