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Jordan was eight years old the first time she fell in love.
And Charles, the poor, hardworking, single father that he was, had to deal with it all by himself. He wouldn’t have had to if Max, and that weak immune system of his, hadn’t decided to get sick on a race weekend, leaving him to take Jordan with him on his own.
It was, surprisingly, one of the first times Charles was ever alone with his daughter for more than a day or two.
At first he thought he was doing a pretty good job — getting someone from the team to take care of Jordan while he tended to the duties that came with being a Formula One driver, but still making sure to get in quality time with her, caring for her every need.
Why was he trying to be modest? Charles was a phenomenal father and he was proving it!
And then… then he had to do some social media work with Lewis and Alba, their F1 Academy driver. Stupidly, Charles had let Jordan stay in the room, handed her a colouring book and some pens and left her on a couch in the back. It would be fine, he’d thought, satisfied with his amazing parenting skills as he went on with the shoot.
It was one of those question games, who-would-rather or something like that. Charles had lost the plot half-way through filming and just threw out names in hopes they’d elicit shocked reactions. For the fun of it.
A couple times he’d glance past the camera and their social media team, finding Jordan staring at them, rather than colouring like he intended her to do. Odd, colouring was one of her favourite activities, Charles had been sure it would help her fight the boredom.
The thing was, Jordan didn’t seem bored at all. She looked almost electric, eyes wide and attentive, laser focused on whatever it was she was focused on.
Charles assumed it was him. Not in a self-centred kind of way, but he had noticed in the past that Jordan would look at him and Max more than anyone else – especially in group settings. They seemed to be some kind of calming point for her, something familiar to concentrate on if she became overwhelmed.
But then Charles checked a second time, then a third, and by that point he realised that Jordan wasn’t looking at him (or Lewis), but past the familiar faces and right at… Alba. Hm.
Charles did his best not to think too much of it, wrenching his attention back to his team mates who were arguing over which one of them was more likely to be late to a work meeting. Easily he slid back into the rhythm of their conversation, trying very hard not to get into the philosophy of what was going on inside his daughter's head. He’d get to ask her about it in half an hour or so anyway.
Once they wrapped up the video, Lewis suggested they go for a late lunch. A great idea, they were all hungry. Time was scarce, but their next appointment – another interview, a more formal one though – wasn’t set for another hour.
“Hey, Jordie!” Charles walked up to her, smile wavering ever so slightly when it took a while for her attention to drift away from Alba and towards him. “As-tu faim?”
She frowned, taking a moment to find the proper translation for the words. Charles didn’t rush her, glad enough she’d been willing to add a third language to her growing resume a couple months ago. She didn’t speak a lot of french yet, but understanding it was getting easier.
“Oui.” She replied simply, sliding off the couch and sorting her colouring stuff away in the backpack Max had gotten her last year. It was dark blue, with huge RedBull logo spanning across the back.
A gag gift, Max had said in his defence to Charles’ less than enthusiastic reaction upon seeing it. And, yes, maybe it had been a little funny in the beginning, but now that Jordan refused to use any of her other bags whenever going out, Charles was starting to resent his husband for it a tiny bit. A big, tiny bit.
Lewis chuckling when Jordan skipped ahead of them and leaning towards Charles, didn’t make it any better. “You really shouldn’t let her walk around with that thing. Especially not in Monza.”
His grin only widened when Charles tipped his head back, releasing a frustrated groan.
“I think it’s cute.” Alba commented, waving at Jordan when she turned around with an unreasonably large smile on her face.
Jordan and her damn selective hearing, just like a cat. Charles’ eyes narrowed at the interaction, an anxious twinge twisting through his chest like a loose screw. Something was off.
Normally, Jordan was either in or out of a social interaction. If something or someone interested her, she’d be hard to get rid of — not that Charles would ever try to get rid of her, he loved having her around all the time — and show it, too. But if there was nothing worth catching her attention, she’d zone out properly, like she was on a different planet entirely.
Jordan didn’t suddenly clink in because of a simple compliment. Definitely not from someone she didn’t even know.
And Jordan didn’t know Alba. They hadn’t even exchanged a single word and yet… She was beaming at Alba like she’d just delivered her Christmas presents. All because she’d called her backpack cute.
Alba didn’t make the situation any better, reciprocating the smile and saying, “And you’re cute too, aren’t you?”
Helpless and confused, Charles witnessed his daughter blushing. Like full on, cheeks turning a bright red, along with the tips of her ears. It made Alba laugh and coo, which had Jordan giggle like a little girl. Well… she was a little girl, but Jordan didn’t usually behave much like one.
It was so strange that Charles started subtly glancing around, half convinced that, if he just looked hard enough, he’d find the hidden cameras eventually.
This had to be some big joke. Set up by Max, probably, who’d gotten bored being sick and alone at home. Or maybe he’d never been sick in the first place and this was all some elaborate prank-
“What do you want, mate?” Lewis’ voice brought Charles back to reality.
He hadn’t even noticed they’d arrived at one of the many food stands that littered the paddock. His eyes barely caught the dishes listed on the chalk board overhead. They were much too busy taking detours to his left, where Alba was currently helping Jordan with her order.
“Uhm… something healthy, I guess. Andrea will kill me if I fuck up my diet before the race.” Charles muttered, deciding that a mixed salad was the least offensive thing the menu had to offer.
All through waiting for their food, getting back to the Ferrari hospitality and the process of eating, Jordan did not leave Alba’s side. It was like she was stuck there, glued to her hip with the strongest adhesive on the planet. And she laughed, practically wouldn’t stop, no matter what Alba said. The smallest comments would get the biggest giggles from her.
She wouldn’t stop blushing either. It was adorable, really — any other kid exhibiting this kind of behaviour would’ve made Charles squeal with cuteness overload — but it just freaked him out. Because this wasn’t Jordan!
This was someone else’s kid. A smartly placed clone. Maybe a government drone.
“Cute.” Lewis mused, and just as Charles opened his mouth to correct him, he added, “She’s got a crush.”
“No, she doesn’t!” Charles answered too quickly, not even giving it a second thought. It was absurd!
“First time then?” Lewis grinned cheekily, tossing the leftover napkin and empty carton dish into the trash can across the room. Jordan, who’d at least clap for a stunt like that any other day, didn’t even notice.
“There’s no first time because Jordan doesn’t have a crush!”
“Come on, Leclerc! Kids get them all the time. They see someone they find interesting and then they follow them around for a day or so, thinking they’re in love. It’s harmless.”
“Doesn’t feel very harmless.” Charles wasn’t able to hide his scowl as he sent a glare to the back of his daughter’s head. S
he could’ve at least given him a heads up that such life-altering events would be taking place on the weekend of his team’s home race. A simple “hey papa, I’ll give you a heart attack soon by doing something that’s going to make me look ten times more grown up than I did yesterday”. It could’ve been an e-mail, too. Charles wasn’t exactly in the position to be picky.
Lewis brought an empathetic hand to Charles’ shoulder, but the tiny smirk at the corner of his mouth didn’t make it come across as genuine as it was supposed to.
“She’ll be over it soon, don’t worry. Tomorrow, probably.”
“Probably.” Charles echoed, though he didn't sound very hopeful.
*
“Are we going to see Alba again today?”
Charles held back a sigh with all his might, simultaneously banishing all thought about driving into the nearest wall. He could do this. All was fine.
Sure, his daughter had a crush (that had lasted longer than the one day Lewis had promised), so what? It was normal after all.
Max had said so when Charles had called him, panicked, the night before to tell him about every little detail of Jordan’s behaviour. He’d even managed to laugh at Charles for his upset behaviour, which had made him a lot less empathetic towards the coughing fit that had befallen Max right after.
“So what if she's a little in love? Enjoy it!” He’d said and before Charles had been able to protest, he’d added, “At least now she can’t do anything about it other than daydream and make pretty eyes at Alba. In a couple years she’ll actually want to date the people she’s in love with. That will be-”
Charles had put a stop to their conversation right there as it went much further than he was able to process at the moment. He could barely handle eyelash-batting and giggling Jordan, thinking about anything further was-
Fine, he’d get through this without making a big deal out of it. He’d even be supportive and answer those endless questions Jordan asked about Alba.
“I don’t know, baby.” He sighed as they pulled into a parking spot, squinting against the bright morning sun. “I have a lot going on and I am sure so does Alba.”
“I’m not a baby.” Jordan said and slipped out of the car.
She waited for Charles and took his hand just like she was supposed to. It was her who took the lead towards the Ferrari hospitality, redirecting her father more than once as he was too busy looking around and praying that they wouldn’t run into a certain blonde Dane.
Charles left Jordan to sit in the common area while he went to the morning briefing. He had to endure a couple of jokes about his dishevelled state, but only Lewis seemed to know what was truly going on.
“Is she still not over it?” The Brit asked, clapping Charles on the back as they left the briefing room.
“Nope, asked me if we’d see Alba again today on the car ride here.”
“Well, I’m sure it’ll be over by the next race then.” Charles made a face.
“At this point I’m not so sure. Jordan’s nothing if not determined. I wouldn’t be surprised if she grew old having a crush on Alba.”
“At this point!” Lewis repeated, barely able to contain his laughter. “Charles, calm down! It’s been two days! You’re being way too serious about this. Everything will be alright, I promise.”
Begrudgingly, Charles muttered some words of agreement. He wanted to take them back a moment later when they heard bright laughter from the common area. It was Jordan, no doubt, but it didn’t sound like her at all.
It was much too loud and carefree, which, technically, was a good thing — Jordan was a kid, she was supposed to sound like that — but the thing was, she didn’t normally. In public spaces, she opted to blend in with her surroundings and be quiet, not attracting attention in any sort of way, even if it was only laughing loudly.
Charles shot his teammate a glare as they rounded the corner, getting a perfect view of Jordan and Alba sitting on one of the couches, giggling and laughing over heaven knows what. The sight freaked him out more than it should have.
Frozen, he watched Jordan gesture with her hands, telling Alba about one of her recent karting races. Half-way through the story, they both couldn’t contain themselves anymore and threw their heads back in laughter.
“That’s not my kid.”
Lewis turned to him, “Yes, it is!”
“They why is she… behaving like that?” Charles gestured at the pair and when Lewis didn’t react, merely staring at him blankly, he groaned. “Merde, Max va me tuer s'il découvre que quelqu'un a échangé notre fille sans que je m'en aperçoive.”
Before he could do anything rash — like marching over there, grabbing Jordan and putting her onto the next plane home — Lewis grabbed him by the elbow and steered him over to get a coffee, insisting that Charles needed one. Once the bothersome buzz of the machine filled the air, Lewis leaned in closer.
“You’re, uhm… It doesn’t bother you that she has a crush on a girl, right?” He whispered, his eyes flitting around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear him.
Charles’ jaw hit the floor, his eyes growing wider and wider each time the question repeated in his mind. It took him a good ten seconds to recover and by then Lewis’ brows had begun knitting in worry.
“No!”
The word came out much too loud, prompting the two men to look around suspiciously to see if anyone was looking at them. Luckily, most Ferrari employees were either busy or much too interested in their Academy driver and Leclerc’s daughter bonding on the couch to pay them any attention.
“That’s not- Why would I-” Charles swallowed, willing his tongue to compromise to form at least one coherent sentence. “I am gay, Lewis!”
“Yes…” Lewis said carefully, though he already looked a lot less wary than a moment before. “And a lot of gay parents struggle if their children’s sexuality is anything other than straight.”
“Well, I don’t!” Charles huffed, sounding a tiny bit affronted. His gaze wandered back over to the couch, his eyes narrowing without his permission. “My issue is that my daughter has a crush. On anyone. It’s-”
“What?” Lewis pressed when he went silent all of a sudden.
With a sigh, Charles grabbed his freshly filled cup and leaned against the counter behind him. He didn’t really feel like talking about his fears and thoughts with Lewis, but when the Brit wouldn’t relent, hopping onto the counter next to him, he caved.
He always told Max to be more open about his feelings, so what kind of hypocrite would he be if he didn’t do the same?
“She’s growing up so fast, which is an issue on its own, but it feels even worse when I… I’m not around a lot. Between racing and team duties and media stunts and- and Jordan starting to take karting more seriously, there’s not just not much time left.” Charles said, his thumb tracing the rim of the cup. He didn’t even dare to look up at Lewis, too scared of what he’d find there, so he continued, “I’m missing out on so much. Like, I don’t even know if this is her first ever crush or if Max was just too nice on our call yesterday and didn’t correct me when I told him about it because he didn’t want to make me feel bad.”
He took a deep breath. His lungs ached and it wasn’t only due to a lack of oxygen. Confronting this fear he had — that he was being an absent father despite his best efforts of not becoming one — had weighed down on him quite a while.
He’d talked about it with Max a handful of times, but they’d never come to a good conclusion.
Because Charles wasn’t ready to step back and retire just yet. Because he’d won the Championship last season. Because it was still fun and he still loved it. And Jordan seemed to be fine with that, too.
She loved watching his races, often priding herself in having a father that was an active Formula One driver, and she didn’t seem to suffer all that much when he was gone. Max said she was always excited when Charles came home and she’d sometimes cuddle with him, claiming she missed ‘Papa’, but that was it.
No crying herself to sleep or asking about him over and over again or missing him so much she couldn’t focus on anything else. Sometimes that worried Charles.
Shouldn’t she miss him more? Did her lack of reaction to his absence mean she didn’t see him as her parent as much as Max? Did she love him less?
But, even if everything was fine — Jordan was okay with him being gone so much and loving him just as much as Max — Charles was still sad about all the things he missed. He felt guilty for it too. All the things Max had to deal with on his own when it was supposed to be both of them carrying it…
If he was around more, he’d probably be able to handle this situation better, emotionally and parenting-wise. Max would probably know exactly how to react.
He wouldn’t stand here sulking. He wouldn’t overreact the way Charles did. Oh, and Lewis certainly wouldn’t have felt inclined to ask Max if he was being homophobic towards his own child.
Envy snaked its way around Charles’ chest, ugly and cold, squeezing and tightening until he felt short of breath. Lewis’ hand on his shoulder barely registered in his brain.
“It’s a tough spot to be in.” Lewis said quietly. “Balancing this job and a social life is hard enough as it is, but when there’s kids involved…”
“Mhm…” Charles hummed, glad that there was no hint of judgement in Lewis’ tone and, when he looked up, he found nothing but understanding in his eyes. “What would you do? If you had kids?”
“Oh, I would’ve retired the second the first was born.” Lewis said it like he didn’t even have to think about it. “Which is why I never had any in the first place.”
“Great.”
Charles’ eyes wandered back to his daughter as he imagined what it would be like to see her every day, spending his time with her instead of travelling around the world and chasing his own dreams. The ugly thorns around his chest loosened ever so slightly. The thought of retiring crossed his mind. Not for the first time.
“I’m not trying to tell you to hang up your race suit tomorrow, not at all. If this sport still makes you happy and your family is fine, then there’s no reason to quit your career before it even really ended.” Lewis continued and he gave his shoulder a short squeeze. “Just re-evaluate your priorities every now and then, so you know when this all stops being worth it.”
“Thanks.” Charles smiled weakly, a little overwhelmed by the amount of wisdom that had just been dumped on him.
“Don’t mention it.”
*
After that, Charles got on board with the crush situation pretty quickly. This was one of those big things he complained about usually missing out on, so what would being grumpy about it do, when he could enjoy it instead?
Because once Charles really listened and watched, it became pretty funny. Hearing Jordan trying her damn best to impress Alba and come up with stuff that would make her laugh was pretty amusing. He even felt a little bad whenever he had to separate them.
Some of the crew and other drivers noticed what was going on — it was kind of hard to miss, since Jordan would trail after Alba wherever she went, unless someone stopped her, and wouldn’t stop raving about her when the Dane wasn’t around — so Charles had plenty of people to talk to about it.
Lando was having the best time with it by far, scrolling through Etsy, looking for some cute, lesbian themed items he could gift Jordan. The only reason he didn’t order anything was because Oscar gave him a pretty lengthy speech about how damaging pushing children into boxes was.
“She could be bi, she could be pan, she could come out at transgender or non-binary.” Oscar counted with his fingers. “Or, sure, she could be a lesbian, but we don’t know that yet, so knock it off with the flags until she’s sure about her sexuality.”
“Which won’t be for a long time!” Charles added. Sure, he’d gotten on board with the crush, but everything beyond that still made him uncomfortable. “She’s eight, not eighteen.”
“Uhm, I think most people figure that stuff out before they’re a legal adult.” Lando protested, but closed Etsy.
“Shut up, you muppet! You’re giving Charles an existential crisis.” Oscar slapped the back of his head.
“Ouch– that’s my word!”
On Sunday morning, Charles made sure to leave earlier than necessary, so he could make a stop by a little patch of grass on the way to the track. Despite being in a miserable spot, some flowers bloomed between the greenery, which was exactly what he’d made the stop for.
“How about we pick some of those and give them to Alba?”
The idea excited Jordan so much that she could only nod before getting to her knees and carefully choosing the prettiest flowers she could find. Charles did his best to contribute, but was much too distracted by his adorable kid to pay the plants much of his attention.
Alba was more than excited when she received her gift. She hugged Jordan at least three times, cooing and fussing over her the entire time. One of the flowers was tucked safely behind her ear, while the rest were kept safe in a glass of water.
When she passed Charles later, she could barely stop complimenting on what a cute kid he had, which left him proudly grinning about it for the rest of the day and his good mood might’ve contributed to him winning the race.
During the podium celebration, Charles looked down at the masses, looking for his daughter. She was the only person he wanted to see.
When he found her, sitting atop his race engineer's shoulders, he waved and sent her a kiss, beaming from ear to ear. Jordan smiled just as widely as he did, her face glowing with pride as she threw a kiss back at him. It was Charles’ favourite sight.
If he did retire, he’d never get to see it again.
*
“You have a crush on her!”
“Shhh!” Jordan put a finger to her lips, furiously scowling at Charles.
They were on the flight back to Monaco and everyone but them was asleep. Charles had thought it was the perfect time to have a proper conversation about his daughter's adventures this weekend.
“I’m not in love with her!” The girl insisted. Her grey eyes glinted dangerously as she narrowed them at her father. “And I know I’m not because I don’t want to kiss her like you and Dad do. That’s gross!”
“What do you want to do with her then?” Charles had to shift in his seat, so he could cover his mouth with his hand without it looking too suspicious. In truth, he could barely keep himself from laughing.
“I don’t know… I want to make her laugh? Oh, hugging is fine, too. Or holding hands.” Jordan shrugged, the anger slowly subsiding as she spoke. “I just like talking to her… and she’s pretty.”
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s what it’s like to have a crush on someone.” Charles left out the part where (once Jordan was older!) she’d also find kissing a lot less gross and would undoubtedly want to kiss the people she had crushes on.
“So… being in love and having a crush on someone isn’t the same thing?”
“Not really, no.”
“Then you don’t have a crush on Dad anymore?” Jordan looked moderately concerned about that.
“Oh, I definitely still do.” Charles thanked himself for having turned off the overhead lights earlier, so Jordan couldn’t see the way he blushed at the admission.
Nearly a decade of being with Max — and another half of being in love with him — and Charles still had butterflies whenever he’d see his husband again after a long time or whenever he kissed him or Max took his hand or… Really, anything Max did proved that Charles had chosen the right man to be with for the rest of his life.
“But how does that work…?” Jordan frowned.
“It’s complicated, you’ll get it when you’re older."
A short silence followed, during which they both looked out of the window. Flying was beautiful at night, you could see the stars much better when you were up in the sky yourself.
Eventually, Jordan sighed, her head tipping back against the seat. She didn’t say anything until Charles turned to look at her.
“I’m glad you were here.” She had a small grin on her lips.
“You are?” Charles asked, surprised, warmth spreading through his chest.
Jordan nodded solemnly, “I don’t think Dad would’ve handled this… me having a crush thing very well. He probably would’ve freaked out.”
Charles let out a short laugh. If only she knew…
“Come here.”
Jordan slipped out of her seat, practically jumping into Charles’ open arms. He held her tightly as she snuggled up against him.
Despite his rant to Lewis, Charles didn’t think he was a useless father. He knew he had his strengths and qualities. But it was still nice to hear it coming from Jordan’s mouth.
“Tu es la meilleure fille qui soit.” He pressed a kiss to her hair.
“I wish I could say that you are the best father ever, but that would be unfair to Dad.” Jordan grimaced as she gave Charles a kiss on the cheek in return.
“You mean the same Dad that you were glad was not here this weekend, because he wouldn’t have been able to handle your little crush?”
Jordan gave his shoulder a slap for that comment, but Charles couldn’t stop himself from laughing and pulling her back against his chest, resting his chin on her head.
If anyone had asked him what his priorities were at that moment, he would’ve told them that he wanted to keep everything just the way it was.