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With the tour now done for the time being, it was now time for the real work to begin for Perpetua once he arrived back to the Ministry. Papa duties switched from singing to hundreds of people to paperwork and constant meetings that felt never ending. The high of his last ritual was fleeting, making the masked man long to be on stage with the lights shining on him than sitting in, yet, another meeting talking about future plans. The information was repetitive to the point that Perpetua tuned out everyone who was talking, staring blankly at his paper with messy notes scribbled on it. He was bought out of his boredom during an afternoon meeting, when someone addressed him, “Papa, do you agree on this?”
Perpetua blinked and tried to play it off the fact he wasn’t listen, “My apologies, I didn’t quite catch that last part. Mind repeating it again?”
“We’re going ahead with that small interview for that music blog this week about your success on the tour.” Someone repeated, sounding a little perturbed.
“Ahh yes, of course…just let me know the further details later.” The man replied, watching everyone nod in agreement, ending the session as they all began to stand up to leave. Perpetua stood as well and politely thanked everyone, watching the group walk out of the room until he was alone. He slumped his shoulders and sighed, “Another interview? What am I going to say? I don’t want this… I..I can’t do this…” He whispered to himself, chewing on his bottom lip, feeling a tightness grow in his stomach.
Perpetua took in a deep breath and forced himself to walk out of the room, thanking Lucifer there was no one around to notice him nearly run down the empty halls. It was mid afternoon and most siblings or cardinals were busy, making it easier for him to discreetly make his way to his room, remembering the path that had very few people roaming around. The man felt stupid as his anxiety grew, making his stomach do flips as his breathing got harder, wanting to hide away as quick as possible. Perpetua’s mind was running wild, as he began to think about whether or not he really deserved this position he was given. Before last year, no one knew he existed - the man was a nobody, tucked away in some small church, living off the blood of small critters to avoid biting any humans and being treated like a secret no one wanted to speak about. His gloved hands began to shake and once he managed to arrive to his room, Perpetua struggled with the door knob before he got it opened and ran inside, slamming the door.
Shakily, the man pulled off his shoes and outer clothing, leaving his pants, shirt and socks before he sat at the edge of the bed, finally pulling off his mask to stare down at it. Running his fingers over the grooves of the shiny melted, Perpetua let out a heavy sigh - the mask made him feel like himself but even now, it felt foreign in his hands and was tempted to chuck it across the room. “I don’t know if I can keep this up…” Perpetua mumbled, staring at the mask a little longer before flinching at the soft knock at the door. A small growl of annoyance slipped out as the man scowled at the door before he spoke up, “What is it?”
The door began to open and Papa was about to snap at the unexpected visitor, but it immediately softened his gaze when he saw Sister Roselyn, her emerald eyes full of concern as she peeked inside. Almost like a puppy, the man lowered his shoulders and head as she walked in, “Roselyn…”
“Pet, is everything alright? I saw you running down the hall and got worried.” The woman replied, slipping into the room, shutting the door softly before walking over to him. Her hands were immediately holding his face and the vampire leaned into the touch, “Are you sick?”
“No…I just have too much on my mind, that’s all.” He mumbled, nuzzling her hand, needing the distraction, “I’ll be okay.”
Roselyn wasn’t buying it, “Perpetua, you’re not okay. You usually don’t run to your room in such a hurry unless there was something or someone bothered you.”
Perpetua sighed, giving a dry chuckle, “I really can’t hide anything from you, huh?” He wasn’t ready to speak about what was going on in his head. Instead, he pulled her down to lay with him, needed the closeness to ground himself as he pulled the woman close to his body, “I’m okay...just…need a break and glad you’re here…” Although, deep down, not even his love's comforting aura was helping with how Perpetua was feeling.
More thoughts of self doubt grew in his head; Will she hate me if I wasn’t Papa? Am I good enough as a friend? Lover? Man? It just made him hug her tighter, holding back a whine as he desperately wished his brain would shut up. The anxiety wasn't nearly as bad now, but Perpetua wasn't quiet ready to speak about any of the thoughts running through his mind, making it hard for him to focus. Instead, he just nuzzled into the woman's hair, closed his eyes and tried to focus on her. Roselyn knew not to push things, so she quietly laid there with him, playing with his hair until the man eventually fell asleep in her arms.
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The next few days played out nearly the same for Perpetua. He felt inadequate, holding back from cringing when someone called him “Papa”, trying to focus on his work instead of the negative thoughts in his head. When he visited the ghouls, they were welcoming and asking how things were going for him and the vampire just lied about feeling great when in reality he felt like hiding away. Visits with Roselyn even became a struggle for the man and after a week of dodging her questions, the woman finally did something about it.
Friday afternoon, Perpetua slumped back to his room - a common thing he’s been doing nearly everyday - but when he opened the door, there were two guests. Roselyn and they’re closest friend, Sister Renata, were both sitting there, stopping their chat when the door opened. “Ladies, I don’t mind you two being in my room but a little heads up would be nice...” He mumbled, shutting the door, not really hiding his annoyance in his already soft spoken voice.
Roselyn shook her head and looked at Renata, “See what I mean?”
She stood up, fixing her habit before walking over to Perpetua, holding his cheek, “Pet, there’s a lot on your mind and I’m concerned about you... so, I asked Renny to come and talk to you and help you sort things out. ”She leaned up and gave him a kiss on his cheek, “I'll see you later, okay?” The red haired woman gave a reassuring smile to the vampire, patting his chest before leaving. Perpetua nearly turned around to pull her back - especially since he could feel the older woman’s eyes staring at him and having Roselyn close by was a comfort. He held back, quietly nodded and watched her leave down the down hall before closing the door.
“Come sit down, Perpetua. Let's got chat for a bit.” Renata’s voice was calm yet had a commanding tone that made the man flinch a little. Being his oldest friend, he knew there was no way of hiding things from the woman who didn’t deal anyone’s bullshit, especially not his.
Perpetua still tried to play off as coy, “Whatever do you mean? There’s nothing going on, just a little stress, that’s all.”
The woman didn’t budge, only squinting at him through her glasses, making the man sigh and grumbled, “Alright, alright, I'm coming over...” Quietly walking over, the man plopped onto the bed, watching from the corner of his eyes as Renata moved to sit beside him. There was a moment of silence between the two of them, neither of them responding as Renata gathered her thoughts before gently touching his arm. “What is really going on, Love? From what I’ve been hearing, you’ve been going through your day like a zombie and barely interacting with anyone. You have to admit, even with your quiet self, that’s not like you at all.”
The man lowered his head, looking guilty, “I am struggling, Renny…ever since I arrived back and took on the more clerical work as Papa, I keep doubting myself...”
Renata raised an eyebrow, “About your work? Or just being here?”
“About everything…” Perpetua looked at his hands, “I keep thinking I am not good at any of this. At being a Papa…singing and performing came to me so easily but now that the hype is down, I don’t feel like I belong in this position. The love from fans, the enjoyment of everyone being around me, being in the Ghost project.…I feel like inadequate about being Papa…I try my best to keep telling myself I earned this yet, it still doesn’t seem like I do…” Now that he’s said it out loud, the man felt his stomach drop once more, feeling vulnerable and hating himself for it. Why was it so hard to talk about this? He could tell Renata anything yet, this felt like exposing a secret that should have never seen the light of day. Perpetua chewed on his bottom lip, accidently nicking it and tasting blood.
There was a soft sigh from the older woman gently pinched his painted cheek hearing him whine like a child, “You silly little bat! You kicked ass to get to this point and you shouldn’t be ashamed nor afraid of it!” Renata then wiggled around to pull him a hug, feeling him slump his lanky body against her , “You’ve come a long away from the shy man who can barely speak to anyone and you’re loved very much. I mean, seriously? You gained the role of papa, had a great album come out, gained a gorgeous girlfriend who loves you to death and had many great performances. You earned every bit of it!”
“It doesn’t feel that way…” Perpetua mumbled, “I keep thinking I need to do better…that everyone deserves better than what I bring them...”
Renata didn’t respond immediately, thinking for a moment before responding, “Actually, that sounds like someone else I know that you should talk to…"
"Really?"
"Of course! He gained a new position, doesn't feel like he's earned, kind of not enjoying the position but just kind of doing it because no one else will." The older woman smiled, "Yes, he's also complaining every so often and tends to get annoyed he's no longer Papa."
Perpetua knew exactly who she was talking about, making him pull back and shook his head, “Absolutely not! There’s no way Copia would want to talk to me about anything, especially not about this!”
“Perpetua, he’s the exactly the right person you should talk to about this!” The woman exclaimed, poking his chest, “The both you need to some sibling bonding anyways and this is the perfect thing to talk about! Besides, I believe it would do you some good to talk more about this.” She stood up, leaning in to give her friend a kiss on the side of his head. “Do it for yourself and do it for Roselyn. You have the poor girl so worried about you that she’s struggling to focus on her job.”
That made the man sigh and lower his shoulders, “I understand…I’ll talk to Copia, but make no promises that it will be perfect.”
Renata shrugged, "I don't expect it to be. I just know that he's the only one who really understands not feeling right in his position. I've known that man for years now and if there's one thing I know about Copia, he's mostly all bark than bite." She patted Perpetua's shoulder as she stood up, fixing her skirt, "Copia is free tomorrow. I'll put our day out off to the side if your promise me to find him and talk to him, okay?"
"Thank you, Renata. I promise I'll attempt to talk to my brother...." The vampire mumbled, looking down at the ground before the woman's hand gently held his chin to make him look up at her seeing that same sweet smile. "You'll be okay, Love, and when you're done, find Roselyn. She deserves an explanation about why her boyfriend has been a little off than usual." With a nod from Perpetua, Renata gave him one more kiss on top of his head and quietly left him alone with his thoughts.
Laying back to stare at the ceiling, the man let his mind wonder. Copia was the last person he thought of talking to, but the more it settled into his mind, the more he realized his brother really was the one who can help him. He was the only former Papa that was around, knew everything there was to being the satanic leader of the Ministry, and could talk about the years of performing. The only problem? Perpetua has never personally spoken to his brother without Roselyn, Renata or some ghoul nearby. The two of them never had a time where they were alone to talk about anything - until tomorrow...
He was starting to think about his options here:1) He could talk to Copia about how he feels and possibly get some help or 2) continue to let the thoughts linger and fester, letting it ruin him. Letting out a heavy sigh, Perpetua closed his eyes, "I guess I'm talking to my brother tomorrow...I'm not looking forward to it but I do need help..."