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The Hollander dining room was louder than usual tonight. The chaotic passing of dishes and conversations echoed around the room.
Yuna had insisted on at least one big dinner while both Shane and Ilya had the weekend off. This meant, that Shane, his parents, and Ilya were all sitting around the dining table, like a family.
Ilya mostly listened to the room around him. Ilya was good at listening. Years of locker rooms and press conferences had shown him that sometimes the best move was to sit back and make himself as small as possible. But the Hollanders had shown very early on that they wanted Ilya in their lives. They wanted him to be front and center right next to them.
Especially Shane.
“So,” Shane said suddenly, leaning back in his chair with a mischievous grin that he most definitely had not picked up from Ilya. “Tell them what I found.”
Ilya raised his eyebrows in confusion, “Tell them what?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Tell them, Ilya.”
Yuna looked between them clearly confused. “I feel like I’m missing something.”
“What you’re missing is Ilya’s YouTube channel from when he was a kid,” Shane said with a giggle.
The entire table went silent before David began to snicker.
Ilya closed his eyes shaking his head. “Traitor,” he grumbled under his breath.
Shane only smiled wider.
Everyone was laughing now, meanwhile Ilya immediately began regretting breaking his habit of vanishing within a conversation. “Wait,” Yuna clarified, “Did you really?”
“Yes, really!” Shane said. “And it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in my entire life.”
“It was not funny. Was a serious filmmaking career.” Ilya began defending.
Shane was already standing, moving towards the living room to put a video on the TV. “Let me find the one where—”
“No!”, Ilya said jumping to grab the remote from Shane.
But it was already too late.
Shane was laughing as the video began to load.
“You cannot show them this,” Ilya fought, but his attempt was futile.
The video began with a shaky camera in a small room covered in various hockey and Russian movie posters. The quality was terrible and the camera was clearly propped up on something unstable.
Then a boy, maybe around eight years old sat down in the frame. His hair was straight, mainly covered by a hat, and his eyes were bright blue. Shane had never met this boy, but the presence of the child, regardless of whether it was through a screen or not, was so Ilya.
Tiny Ilya began excitedly talking, and with Shane’s improved Russian was able to catch the words, “Hey YouTube it’s me Ilya Rozanov.”
The table exploded with laughter as Ilya pressed his hand over his face, hiding in embarrassment.
“It gets better,” Shane promised.
Regardless of the language barrier, Ilya’s body language and pure joy made the video make perfect sense. Suddenly the tune of Katy Perry’s, “Firework”, began to play. Followed by the sassiest voice any of them had ever heard.
“Please tell them what you just said,” Shane begged, “It is the best part.”
Ilya gave him a pained look before begrudgingly saying, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again?”, he paused, “I really don’t.”
The laughter started back up, harder than any of the times before. They continued to click through the channel, commenting on how cute little Ilya was.
They all continued to click through the various videos, before finally selecting one. The video started the same as all the others, with a ranting Ilya and a terrible camera. However a few minutes into this one another voice could be heard.
Ilya froze, a noise that sounded like he couldn’t breathe escaping his lips.
Shane paused the video and looked at his boyfriend. His smile was gone and his eyes were locked onto the screen.
“Shane. Press play.”
Reluctantly looking at his parents' equally worried expressions, he unpaused the video.
The door to Ilya’s room opened behind him, revealing a beautiful woman holding a laundry basket. Her long blonde hair curled around her smiling face. Her eyes were one of the brightest shades of blue any of them had seen, just as bright as Ilya’s. She looked down at Ilya with pure adoration.
Ilya could feel himself shaking, but didn’t truly feel in control of his body. It had been 15 years since he had seen this woman, heard her voice, been looked at by the women who loved him more than anything.
“Mama,” Ilya said in a shaky voice, still not even fully sure if he had spoken it aloud or not.
Irina set the basket down walking over to Ilya, running her hands through his hair. The two talked with her waving to the camera and Ilya dramatically gesturing around the room.
“What are you guys saying?”, Shane asked cautiously.
Ilya took a deep breath, “I am talking about hockey, how I want to be the best player in the world.”
At that moment Irina bent down eye level to Ilya, grabbed him by the shoulders, and spoke to him in full confidence. This in turn, made adult Ilya finally let out a sob.
“She- fuck,” Shane grabbed Ilya pulling him into his arms, his hands moving to his hair just as he had watched his mother do to him. “She said, ‘I promise the whole world will know your name my sweet boy.’ ”
Ilya pushed out of Shane’s arms, wiping his eyes quickly. Before Ilya could finish ridding himself of his tears, Yuna had her arms around him.
This was all it took for Ilya to break down. He grabbed onto her and sobbed. He held her like he had held his mother throughout his life. Held her like when he had a nightmare, when he was sick, when he was sad, when he had found her. He cried until he felt like he was just as big as the boy on the screen.
“I am sorry,” Ilya spoke into the room.
The Hollander family disagreed on lots. What was the best hockey team, how much sugar was acceptable, what was a reasonable distance for Shane to live from his parents' house. But what they could all agree on was that Ilya, their Ilya, had nothing to be sorry for.
Slowly, so as not to scare him, Shane, Yuna, and David moved to him. They held him and told him how much they loved him and reassured him that he was one of the best things to ever happen to them.
“She is beautiful Ilya,” Yuna told him.
All Ilya could do was nod with a wet smile, “She really is.”
David had turned off the TV as Yuna began moving towards their bedroom, both in silent agreement that Shane and Ilya needed time.
Shane took Ilya’s hand, taking him to bed. He would usually make them shower before sleep, but that could wait until the morning.
They changed into their pajamas Shane in a t-shirt and boxers, Ilya in Shane’s hoodie and sweatpants. They crawled into bed, Ilya curling into Shane’s side.
“I love you Ilya, so much”, Shane whispered into his hair.
“I love you”, Ilya responded. “I think she would be proud of me. She would be proud that I found someone like you.”
************
The next time Ilya and Shane were at the Hollander’s house, he once again listened. He listened to the man he loved and the parents he had found.
As he moved through the home his eyes caught on a frame that was unfamiliar. As he approached it, Ilya felt like he couldn’t breathe. Amongst the baby photos of Shane and the family portraits, was Ilya and his mother. Her holding his shoulders, promising him his dreams.
For the first time in his life, his worlds had collided. One side was those he had chosen to love, the other the love he was born into.
Ilya now understood in full clarity, these weren’t two sides. Shane and his family weren’t connected to him because he loved them, but because they loved him. Ilya had been without his mother for years, but never went through a day without being loved.