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Wei Ying was sluggish as he made his way around Cloud Recesses.
Lan Zhan was away, out on a night hunt with A-Yuan and A-Yi and some of the Lans that Wei Ying had come to know in the months he had been living in Cloud Recesses. He told Lan Zhan that he would be fine, that he could leave Wei Ying in Cloud Recesses, that the little Lans sometimes needed nighthunts that would be done the way they were expected to be - that Lan Zhan was an excellent instructor, and he needed a chance to do that without Wei Ying’s meddling about thinking of different ways to handle cases.
Besides, Wei Ying was working on some talismans that could help out greater Cloud Recesses, and he was so close to making a breakthrough on one of them that he needed to stay behind and work on it - and those who he was teaching as well needed to keep up with their lessons.
Convincing the Lans to let Wei Ying teach had been an uphill battle.
He was allowed to instruct no more than five disciples and their performances were highly scrutinized and observed. The disciples were to report back to an elder Lan who would catalogue all the things Wei Ying spoke about, the things he taught, the manners in which he spoke.
Wei Ying was only allowed to teach approved topics in the approved manners that had been deemed acceptable by the Lan Clan - any deviation from these rules would mean he would lose the ability to teach and the underlying notion that he couldn’t be trusted would only be more solidified.
His diligent students had been working on defense based talismans - wards primarily - and Wei Ying knew his students had potential, but it would take time.
Especially considering that the Lan Clan wanted them to be taught a certain way, the slower way, a way that Wei Ying knew was designed to string along these disciples until they gave up, abandoning the concept of talismans and design and force them to focus more on musical cultivation or their swords. If he was the one controlling their pace, they would already be working on repulsion talismans, not wards, not things that were basic and didn’t need months of study when Wei Ying knew these kids could have them down in two weeks.
But he held on, he accepted their terms, he accepted the little he was given.
He accepted it because he didn’t want to make things worse for Lan Zhan. He didn’t want to be the reason they started talking about him again.
Even now, with Lan Zhan being away, there were elders speaking of how it was “about time” that Lan Wangji started participating in clan related things. That it was finally time for him to stop tending to every whim of Wei Wuxian as if he was caring for a child.
Wei Ying never voiced these complaints to his beloved husband - he has dealt with far worse than the words of wronged elders. None of their words could hold a light to Madam Yu, after all.
But it didn’t make the guilt go away.
It didn’t make the thought that Wei Ying was just taking away resources that others could be using, that he was in positions that better instructors could be filling, that he was not the right fit for his students and he would only hinder their education.
It didn’t take the bad thoughts away, but he looked past the bad to the good, and that made it worth it.
Except Lan Zhan had been away for a week.
Except Wei Ying hasn’t slept for more than two hours every night.
Except Wei Ying keeps having nightmares that normally sleeping with Lan Zhan would completely prevent from happening.
Except Wei Ying could feel the growing threat looming behind him that he had spent so much time running from, thinking that he had it under control, that everything was fine and he could manage the harsh words of a few individuals, there were other things that made those words bearable. He could deal with their vitriol, because Lan Zhan was at his side.
Except he wasn’t.
Except he hadn’t been, not for a week.
***
Wei Ying sat across the table from Lan Qiren, watching as the man flicked through the latest report from his students - reading over the reports they had given of their improvements regarding wards around objects, as they were able to grow the diameters of their wards until the whole library was able to be covered.
“I think they’ve made real improvements over the last week,” Wei Ying started, fidgeting with a loose string on the hem of his sleeve, “I would like to have them move onto barriers against water.”
Lan Qiren hummed, his eyes remaining on the page.
There were books on the table around them, various topics regarding trade routes, ways to improve the conditions of fertile lands. Wei Ying could see the pile of missives that Lan Qiren had been attending to prior to walking into the study of Lan Qiren’s rooms.
“I do think, Lan-Laoshi,” Wei Ying started, his voice steady, “That they would learn better with more hands-on experience, rather than purely from a theoretical standpoint of how things should operate.”
Wei Ying flinched as Lan Qiren slammed the small book shut, looking up and meeting his gaze with a glare.
“If you think you know better than our own instructors, then why don’t you start your own clan? The Lan Clan instructs disciples our way, and will not be swayed because you think that they would learn better than the way we have been doing it for centuries. If you cannot follow simple instructions, then maybe you shouldn’t be teaching at all.”
Lan Qiren didn’t shout, he didn’t scream, but there was a flicker of hatred in his eyes as he looked away, as he turned back to his own work.
Wei Ying felt his hands shaking as he stood, as he quietly made his way out of the room, not making a sound.
He had learned quickly in Lotus Pier that he needed to learn how to move around without making a sound, to avoid drawing Madam Yu’s ire, to avoid getting caught, to avoid punishment for simply being out of his room.
He had learned that being quick and quiet on the streets meant that dogs wouldn’t know he was there, that other kids who could steal his food wouldn’t know he was there, that he could sneak past a food stall and grab an apple and not go to bed with an ache in his stomach.
There had been times that even Lan Zhan was surprised with how quietly Wei Ying could move - he had managed to sneak up on him in the Jingshi multiple times.
And now Wei Ying used his ability to walk out of Lan Qiren’s rooms before he would know.
He used his stealth to cross Cloud Recesses, to hide from the disciples he came across, to find his way back to the back hills, to a waterfall he had discovered when he had gotten lost looking for the rabbit meadow.
Wei Ying slid behind the rushing waters, tucking himself into a small alcove that was completely covered by the waterfall.
No one would find him.
No one would see the tears he shed as he pulled his knees to his chest.
No one could tell him that he was useless, that he shouldn’t be teaching, that he shouldn’t even be alive at all.
No one but himself.
***
Lan Wangji arrived back to Cloud Recesses to find his home in an acute state of panic.
Sizhui and Jingyi both looked around, watching as disciples whispered amongst themselves, as they glanced around before looking back at Hanguang-jun and whispering once more.
They had all been expecting Wei Ying to greet them - that was, after all, the only reason they sent someone ahead to alert Cloud Recesses that they were on their way back.
But Wei Ying wasn’t there - in fact, he wasn’t anywhere.
Lan Zhan couldn’t help the sense that something had happened, that something had happened and it involved Wei Ying, and that’s why he wasn’t throwing himself into his husband’s arm, claiming that he was mere moments away from fading into nothing, that he would die if he had to exist for a moment longer without him.
“Wangji.” Lan Qiren spoke as he approached the now dispersing group of Lan disciples. “If you are asking for Wei Wuxian, I’m afraid no one has seen him since this morning.” He sighed, guilt crossing his face.
“I’m afraid to say I wasn’t the nicest to him this morning when he delivered the report from his students. Before I could correct myself and apologize for my words, he was already gone.” Lan Qiren looked up, meeting his nephew’s gaze. “I have spent the day looking for him, wanting to apologize. I had just been briefed on a situation with the farmland when I should have been told about it months ago, and I let that anger escape onto him. His entry token hasn’t alerted, so he is still within the boundaries of Cloud Recesses.”
Lan Zhan looked at his uncle and sighed.
“If you are sincere in your apologies, then Wei Ying will accept them.” He glanced over at Sizhui and Jingyi, “We will pick up on the search and let you know when we find him.”
The two juniors nodded, anything for their senior!
Lan Qiren walked off, speaking to the other disciples before they too dispersed.
“Hanguang-jun, surely Wei-Qianbei isn’t missing, right?” Jingyi hesitantly spoke, looking over and seeing the same look of worry in Sizhui’s eyes.
“I’m sure he’s just in the Jingshi, right? The one place they wouldn’t enter without your permission. I’m sure he’s in there.” Jingyi turned to look at Sizhui, feeling his face pale at the way his friend was looking at his father.
Sizhui was looking at Hanguang-jun like something was truly wrong, like he was reliving a moment he never wanted to go back to. Sizhui looked at Lan Wangji as if he was preparing for his father to start crying, to break, to fall to his knees, not knowing where to go from this point.
Jingyi looked at Hanguang-jun and watched as his shoulders stiffened, as they rose, as he stood tall and firm and strong, before turning back towards them.
“I will check the Jingshi. You both need not look for Wei Ying-”
“Hanguang-jun,” Jingyi interrupted, “With all due respect, Wei-Qianbei is our senior and we care for him. If he is missing, then we want to help look for him.”
Hanguang-jun looked at both of them before sighing.
“Of course. Stay together, look in areas that Wei Ying frequents first, then places he doesn’t. If either myself or you both do not find him, we will agree to meet at the Jingshi at hai shi to rediscuss strategy.”
Sizhui and Jingyi nodded before turning and walking deeper into Cloud Recesses. Likely, Lan Wangji knew, they were going to the library pavilion first to search behind every shelf.
As he started to make his way towards the Jingshi, he stopped at the tug on his sleeve, turning around to see one of the children that both he and Wei Ying had cared for, one of the children that was in Lan Zhan’s classes, the children whom Wei Ying were not allowed to interact with - but they all ignored that rule in the classroom, running to their Wei-Laoshi and asking whatever questions came to mind, knowing that he would answer them when other Lan teachers wouldn’t.
“Lan-Laoshi, are you looking for Wei-Laoshi?”
Lan Zhan nodded at A-Yun’s words, noticing the tears that were pooling in the 6 year old’s eyes.
“I saw Wei-Laoshi this morning. He was coming from Lan-xiansheng’s rooms.” A tear slid down the boy’s face. “Wei-Laoshi looked so sad, Lan-Laoshi. He walked down the path like this.”
A-Yun raised his arms, wrapping them around his middle, tightly holding onto himself.
“Did you see where he went?” A-Yun nodded.
“He was going towards the Jingshi, down the path both of you take after classes are over.” A-Yun looked at Lan Zhan. “Lan-Laoshi? Can you go find him? Wei-Laoshi looked sad, he should never be sad.”
Lan Zhan rested a head on A-Yun’s head, smoothening a few stray hairs as he looked up at him, eyes wet, moments from bursting into tears.
“Thank you for telling me, A-Yun. I promise that I will find Wei Ying. Sizhui and Jingyi are looking in the library right now if you’d like to help them.” A-Yun nodded, a smile forming on his face. “Remember, you must listen to their words and instructions.”
A-Yun nodded.
“Yes Lan-Laoshi!” he spoke, before bowing and turning towards the direction Sizhui and Jingyi went, not running down the pathway as he made his way towards the library.
Now that he was alone, Lan Zhan couldn’t help but finally acknowledge the pit that had formed in his stomach from the moment Shufu spoke of Wei Ying not being seen all day.
Lan Zhan knew that in the times he was away from Wei Ying, away from Cloud Recesses, that Wei Ying was always around others - that he would be in the nursery with the littles or on their training grounds helping the younger disciples with their techniques or in the library reading about whatever topic had piqued his mind that day.
Wei Ying thrived being around others, and the rare time that Lan Zhan returned back to the Jingshi and found that Wei Ying hadn’t left their home, it was never good.
He always found Wei Ying curled up in their bed, covered in the blankets, clutching one of his outer robes to his face, pressing it into the collar or the sleeves or wherever he could smell the sandalwood incense that Lan Zhan preferred the best. Lan Zhan always had to coax Wei Ying out of the blankets, had to hold him in his arms until he stopped shaking, until he was able to speak and tell him what was wrong.
Sometimes, it was a nightmare. It was dreaming of Jiang Yanli’s death. It was dreaming of the siege. It was dreaming of Wen Chao and being thrown into the Burial Mounds.
Sometimes, it was something someone had said. It was an elder telling Wei Ying that he was wasting resources, that he was never going to be accepted as a part of the Lan Clan so why should he continue participating in Lan Clan activities. It was an older disciple telling Wei Ying that they saw through him, that Hanguang-jun may have been bewitched by him, but they wouldn’t be.
Sometimes, it was Wei Ying’s own brain. It was him thinking about every word Yu Ziyuan spoke to him. It was the way he had always been forced to shove his own feelings aside, to make room for placating those around him. It was Wei Ying’s insecure thoughts being able to break through the wall he kept up. It was Wei Ying spiraling into thinking that he wasn’t good enough for Lan Zhan, that Lan Zhan would be better off without him, that he should just leave and no longer be the reason others in the Lan Clan looked at him with disdain.
Not once was Lan Zhan unable to pull him back, to bring Wei Ying back to the surface and show him that what he had been told was wrong, that he was an excellent teacher, that he had students who respected him, that he didn’t care about what people thought about him because Lan Zhan knew what Wei Ying thought about him and that was all that mattered. He was able to be the light that Wei Ying needed, able to push back the negativity that had been able to breach the surface.
But now, as he looked at the empty Jingshi, at the cold bed, Lan Zhan found himself at a loss.
If Lan Qiren and all that looked were unable to find Wei Ying, if he wasn’t within the Jingshi-
Lan Wangji was finally facing a battle he had no strategy for.
He didn’t know how to move forward.
He didn’t know where Wei Ying could be if he wasn’t here.
If Wei Ying wasn’t in any of the locations that he frequented, if no one had seen him for hours - Cloud Recesses was vast, but the barrier that alerted the tokens was not.
There were wide woods around the main compound, but the wards didn’t extend that far. The main boundary wall was the primary goal posts that the wards were keyed to, that the entrance tokens would alert to.
Wei Ying’s token hadn’t alerted that he had left the wards, but he could’ve taken it off - it was keyed to the physical key, not the person. Wei Ying could’ve left his token somewhere, thrown it into one of the rivers that flowed through Cloud Recesses, and left.
He could have scaled the walls just as he did when they first met, he could’ve ran, left, spiraled in such a way that he thought he was doing everyone a favor by leaving their lives, by no longer being whatever wrong assumption he had made about himself.
Lan Zhan knew that Wei Ying was prone to his thoughts darkening when he was left alone, he had more than enough experience with Wei Ying’s thoughts, but he was usually there to prevent it from getting this far.
He stood in the doorway of the Jingshi, hands grabbing onto the sides of the doorframe as he scanned the forest around the Jingshi - hoping for the smallest chance that Wei Ying was in one of the trees around their home, that he would come walking down the pathway, that there was even the smallest chance that this was all a misunderstanding.
Standing by and waiting for Wei Ying to return wasn’t something that Lan Zhan wanted to do, but as of now, it felt like the only option he had. He couldn’t wander every corner of Cloud Recesses hoping to stumble across Wei Ying.
If he knew his husband, eventually he would return to the Jingshi, to their bed, even in his darkest moments he never thought about leaving without telling Lan Zhan in some way - leaving a note, his token on the table - Wei Ying would never vanish without notice because he didn’t want to hurt Lan Zhan like that.
If Wei Ying had left with no intention to return, he would’ve left a note, he would’ve explained his actions - even if Lan Zhan didn’t agree with his words, his explanations, the words and ways his mind had convinced him that this was the correct way to deal with the situation.
Hai shi passed, Sizhui and Jingyi came to the Jingshi empty-handed, their shoulders dropping when Lan Zhan himself still hadn’t found Wei Ying - when the Jingshi was still quiet and without the presence of their beloved senior.
Lan Zhan stayed up, a single candle lit on the table, a warm meal covered on the table, waiting for when Wei Ying returned, kept warm by a talisman that Wei Ying himself had created - unwilling to allow for Lan Zhan to eat cold food when he could find means to keep it as warm as it was when it was taken off the pan.
All he could do was wait.
Wait for the moment Wei Ying’s misery was overrun by his desire to sleep in their bed, to be comforted by the lingering scent of sandalwood that permeated their home.
Wait for Wei Ying to reappear, looking for comfort he didn’t know was waiting for him, not knowing that Lan Zhan had returned back to Cloud Recesses - and that he would never leave him again.
***
Wei Ying’s cold hands fell to his sides as he slid out from behind the waterfall.
The ache in his stomach finally pushed him to leave his spot, wanting nothing more than to just find one of the snacks he had hid in the Jingshi and curl up in their bed.
The ends of his robes were damp, catching the splashback from the waterfall.
He startled when he realized that it was entirely dark outside, when he realized that he had been there the whole day. Wei Ying didn’t even hear the bell that rang saying it was time for good little Lans to go to sleep.
The moon was high in the sky as he walked down the stone path, as he made his way towards the Jingshi, knowing that he would only be met with a cold home, dark, empty.
Because Lan Zhan was out doing good things. He was out teaching his disciples, he was instructing the next generation of Lans.
He was out leading and instructing in ways that Wei Ying wasn’t allowed to, ways that Wei Ying was forbidden from doing because of his “bad influence” that he could infect the Lan disciples with.
It wasn’t something he agreed with, he thought that the Lan Clan was full of people just as guilty of things that he was, but they were able to shove it aside because they were members of the gentry clans, they held innate status that Wei Ying’s servant father couldn’t hold up to. They were able to hide away their bad deeds, the same things that Wei Ying did they repackaged as “defending the clan” and “it was war” and “we did what we believed was right” but Wei Ying himself couldn’t claim those excuses.
“Clan abandoner.”
“Unorthodox path.”
“Indiscriminate killing.”
“Evil.”
“Harboring an army.”
What Wei Ying had done, he didn’t deny, he recognized his faults, knew what misdeeds he had done - and that was the difference.
Those righteous clansmen looked at their misdeeds as being necessary to maintain their status. They couldn’t be faulted for what Wei Wuxian forced them to do.
He hated the ways some of the Lan Clan’s elder disciples looked at him - they ways they glared and turned other other way when he and Lan Zhan were walking along the pathways, the words he heard them whispering, the ways that he knew they were influencing the younger disciples.
This place was Lan Zhan’s home, but they didn’t respect his choice in partner, and Wei Ying just had to accept that.
He wouldn’t be the reason Lan Zhan lost his home. He didn’t want to be the reason for arguments between Lan Zhan and his clan, his family.
Wei Ying could handle glares and words, he could handle people not liking him.
He could handle them with Lan Zhan at his side - but Lan Zhan had been gone for a week, and he was starting to break.
The Jingshi came into view and Wei Ying slowly made his way across the path, up the stairs, sighing as he pushed the door open - wanting nothing more than to shove his face into Lan Zhan’s pillow and cry himself to sleep.
He froze, his eyes landing on the lit candle, the covered dish on the table.
Wei Ying watched the way Lan Zhan immediately stood, the book he was holding falling to the floor with a thud.
Lan Zhan opened his arms, palms up, like he was waiting for Wei Ying to cross the room, to run into his arms, like he knew Wei Ying needed him.
Lan Zhan looked at him not with pity, not with judgement, but with love and care and Wei Ying felt something snap as his shoulders hunched, a loud sob forced out of him as he ran, as he crossed the room to safety, to the arms of someone strong and loving and caring.
Someone who didn’t judge him for his past fault, someone who listened when he spoke, who trusted his decisions, who knew that if he did something - he had a reason.
He felt Lan Zhan’s arms tighten around him, pulling him close, letting him fall apart knowing that he would be there to piece him back together, that breaking didn’t mean he was weak, but that he had been strong for too long.
Wei Ying sobbed into Lan Zhan’s neck, inhaling the safe scent of sandalwood as they were lowered down to the ground.
Lan Zhan was here, he was back.
Things may not be perfect, but Wei Ying knew that things would be okay now, that with Lan Zhan here, everything would be okay.