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It had been a very long day. San had dragged himself out of bed at 4 am after getting home the night before at midnight. He'd been barely awake all day, but that didn't matter. He always had millions of eyes on him scrutinizing everything about him. How he dressed, the state of his skin, his hair, his expressions, if he accidentally looked at someone wrong or for too long or not long enough, if he mixed his words up or accidentally said something he didn't mean. It didn't matter that he was running on empty, he had to be perfect. There was no room for error ever.
And that was fine. It was what he signed up for. He was used to it. He'd been doing it for so many years at this point. But today was just too much. His costume had been uncomfortable and the music was so loud and the fans screaming energized him, but also made his ears hurt. The lights had shot him directly in the eyes a few times and it had thrown him off. He'd given his all on stage and then caught a small formation mistake in the replay. But there was nothing he could do about it at that point but try to do better next time.
Then he'd been shuffled off to interviews with people he'd never met, having stylist's hands all over his face and hair over and over as he changed his look so it wasn't obvious he'd filmed them all in one day. Some of them had been with the members but a couple had been alone. He was normally able to handle it, but his social battery had completely run out halfway through his day and he just had to suck it up and push through it without making a single mistake.
And now he was home. He scarfed down the food he ordered and stood in the shower for a long time, just letting the hot water roll down his skin. He felt tears wash off his face just as soon as they appeared as he tilted his face up into the stream. He wasn't sad. He was just tired and overwhelmed. And tomorrow would be just as long.
He turned the water off after it turned cold. He should get in bed. He needed as much sleep as he could get. He slipped on some loose sweats and shuffled down the hall, but his feet didn't land at his door.
He quietly pushed Seonghwa's bedroom door open and peeked inside. He was playing on his switch at his desk, too engrossed in what he was doing to look up at him. That was fine. He didn't want to talk. He closed the door behind him before crawling into the older man's bed.
He curled up in a ball and took deep breaths. Seonghwa's sheets always smelled so clean. He closed his eyes and waited. He didn't think. He didn't sleep. He just… paused.
After a few minutes, San heard the soft music from the game go quiet. And then Seonghwa was pulling back the sheets and sitting next to him, pulling his head into his lap. San let the air out of his lungs slowly as he felt Seonghwa's fingers in his hair. "Hi kitten," Seongwha said softly, scratching behind his ear.
All of San's muscles went lax as he felt himself psychologically shrinking. He wasn't San of Ateez with big strong muscles, he was just a kitten. He shrank and shrank until he felt like his whole body could fit in Seonghwa's lap. He nuzzled into his legs as he hummed a kind of purr deep in his throat. Kittens didn't have to keep a gym schedule, kittens didn't have work tomorrow, kittens didn't have to worry about letting their team down. They just had to be cute and cuddle. His mind went blissfully blank as he sank deep into his headspace, softly kneading a the soft blankets on Seonghwa's bed.
He used to do this with Yunho back when they were roommates. The first time had been on accident. He was just a kid from the countryside in a big, scary new city who was too polite and too scrawny and too… different. But Yunho had been kind to him. He let him crawl into his bed when things got too big and just let him be small. It had been an awkward conversation when the ladder game paired him up with Seonghwa and Mingi instead, but Seonghwa had taken it in stride, always happy to comfort him when he needed it. He had been thrilled to have clear instructions on how specifically he could help best. He didn't laugh or judge or tell him to grow up and stop playing pretend. He just pet his hair and called him kitten and let him carve out a tiny safe space in the big scary world.
He didn't sleep. He never slept like this. He just rested until the uncomfortable buzzing under his skin went away. He let out a deep, slow breath as he felt himself getting bigger again. He stretched his limbs, feeling their length and their weight as he adjusted back into his body. He looked up at Seonghwa who was looking down with a fond smile. "Thank you," he whispered.
"You want to sleep in here tonight?" Seonghwa asked kindly, scratching his broad back.
"No. I'm good now," San said, nuzzling into his lap one more time before crawling out of the comfortable bed.
"Sleep well, Sannie," Seonghwa waved as San slipped out of the room just as silently as he'd slipped in feeling miles better than before. Now he just needed to get a couple hours of sleep before doing it all over again.