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Even after being mostly healed, that huge scar in his chest was still everything he saw when he looked at his own reflection. Big, deep, ugly. A reminder that, perhaps, he should have died but was—once again—too stubborn to accept his fate. And now, that was his punishment for so desperately clinging to his life.
It was always there and would never go away. Not the mark, nor the feelings that came with it. A repulsive thing, fit for a repulsive man like himself.
Ah, there he was… Succumbing to his self-hatred once again. But how could he not, when looking at his body was enough to make the person he loved seem about to cry?
One of the best choices Barok had ever made was to invite Kazuma to live in his mansion once again. It took two years of gathering his courage, and even at the last moment, he was still terrified of the rejection he was certain would follow.
Instead, to his surprise, Kazuma agreed to it, seeming quite content to return to the place he had once considered a home. And, since that day, they had returned to that routine they shared during the first three months they had spent together, except now their relationship was much deeper than the timid, unspoken affection from that time.
Returning together from the office was one of Barok’s daily joys. Instead of going to his own bedroom when they arrived, Kazuma joined Barok in his without a second thought, starting to undress himself while Barok did the same, not even two steps away. They had known each other for over three years, and been together romantically for almost two. Long enough for them to lower their guards when they were together, in a way they wouldn’t do with anyone else.
Still, Barok would be lying if he said having someone like Kazuma undressing within his arms’ reach wasn’t a distracting thing. If Barok looked too much, his mind would be filled with improper thoughts. Physical intimacy was part of their relationship, but he often caught himself afraid of being too needy and upsetting Kazuma for it—perhaps a silly fear, but still a persistent one.
Before he could turn his gaze away, however, Kazuma raised his eyes, looking at him; surprised, Barok instinctively looked away. A horrible choice, since he could already imagine the grin on Kazuma’s face, and braced himself for the inevitable teasing. But instead, Kazuma rushed toward Barok, closing his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss on his back. His spontaneous affection brought a smile to Barok’s lips.
“It will be difficult to change my clothes with you clinging to me like this,” he said.
Kazuma laughed, his mouth still against his skin. “And how am I supposed to stay put when the most beautiful man in London is undressing in front of me?”
“You may be the only person to find beauty in this disfigured body.”
Barok said those words without thinking much, but they made Kazuma let go of his waist, instead pulling his arm so Barok would look at him.
“What did you just say?”
The sharpness in his voice let Barok know he had made a mistake. He should have predicted that outcome: someone as protective as Kazuma didn’t like to hear negative comments about his partner, even if they came from Barok himself. But it wasn’t like Barok had said anything untrue.
“You don’t need to pretend,” he said calmly. “I know how unsightly I am with all these scars. And I am glad you love me regardless of them.”
He thought those words would placate Kazuma’s anger, but instead, they only made him narrow his eyes at him.
“Are you trying to start a fight with me?”
Barok blinked, taken aback. “Pardon?”
“Barok, you...” He let out a frustrated sigh. “You are the most beautiful man I have ever known. And that includes every scar and mark on your body.”
That was hard to believe… If the words had come from anyone but Kazuma, Barok would be sure they were trying to manipulate him in some way. But Kazuma was his lover, so the only reason he had to say such things was to try and spare Barok’s feelings from the harsh reality. A lovely effort, but unnecessary after so long.
“You don’t need to be so careful,” said Barok. “Something like this is not enough to wound my pride.”
“Why would I even lie to you?”
The answer seemed obvious to Barok until he realized that Kazuma never lied to him—if anything, his honesty could be quite blunt at times. Noticing his hesitation, Kazuma spoke again, his voice softer this time.
“I truly do think you’re gorgeous. If anything, I can’t imagine how anyone would think the contrary…”
“Believe me, most people do.”
“Are you sure? Or is it just your insecurities speaking?”
Barok considered it for a moment before giving his answer. “It is the obvious conclusion I came to. People used to compliment my appearance when I was younger, but after I got this scar on my face, not only did the compliments stop, but I have noticed that many cannot even look at me.”
“I think that’s more thanks to your perpetual scowl than the scar.”
“Or perhaps both.”
Once again, he didn’t mean for his words to anger Kazuma, but the flames in his eyes let him know that was precisely what they did.
“You really are testing my patience today. Listen, I’m saying you are beautiful in every way I can and cannot describe, so why do you keep insisting that I’m a liar instead of believing me?”
“I didn’t mean to...”
Kazuma stepped closer, bringing both hands to Barok’s face, cupping it while staring into his eyes.
“If anyone ever made you feel unattractive, then forget about them,” he said. “If a scar is enough for them to turn their gaze away, then stop thinking about them. Instead, look only at me, and listen only to me. You are a gorgeous man, and even if your appearance isn’t the reason why I fell for you, it still surprises me every day that the man I love and who loves me in return is as beautiful as this.”
Barok simply stared at him quietly for a while. He didn’t know what to say, especially when those words came from someone as gorgeous as Kazuma himself. Many times, he had caught himself wondering how such a wonderful man, beautiful inside and out, had chosen to be with someone as flawed as him. But hearing those words from Kazuma made Barok want to believe him.
“I understand,” he said.
“No, you don’t,” Kazuma retorted. “Knowing you, you’re thinking something ridiculous, like how kind I am to love you, or how you don’t deserve me, or anything like that.”
That was terrifyingly close… At moments like those, Barok wished Kazuma hadn’t come to know him so well. His silence seemed to be enough to confirm Kazuma’s theory, since his apparent annoyance only grew.
“See?” he said. “You keep acting like I’m a saint for loving you, instead of just a person with a pair of eyes and common sense, who can recognize a beautiful and lovely man when he’s right before me.” He paused, adding in a lower voice. “And if scars are really that repulsive to you, then you would be better with someone else, since I have a fair share of my own.”
His words made Barok’s heart sink. “I never meant to say…” But he had said it, hadn’t he? He even called himself disfigured for it… “My apologies, I didn’t mean to make you feel insecure about your body.”
“You didn’t,” said Kazuma. “I would be an idiot to think you consider me repulsive with the way you look at me. Maybe I haven’t been forward enough with how attracted I am to you… Something I should fix as soon as possible, it seems.”
He wasn’t expecting a scolding like that for a comment he judged harmless. But now that Kazuma voiced his thoughts, Barok could understand why he sounded so angry.
“I never doubted it. I simply spoke without thinking.”
“If you said it so naturally, it’s because you believe it.” Kazuma crossed his arms, scowling as he looked away. “And in that case, your lover is the one to blame for allowing you to feel this way.”
“You are not—”
“Ah, enough…”
Before Barok could think of anything else to say, Kazuma pulled him toward the bed, pushing him down on it and getting over him, kissing his lips. Not the development Barok expected, but surely not an unwelcome one. He brought his hands to Kazuma’s hips, but before he could completely lose himself to that kiss, Kazuma suddenly interrupted it, biting his shoulder instead. A surprised sound left Barok’s lips, and Kazuma looked at him with a pleased face.
“All of this made me so angry that I want to be horrible to you right now.”
Barok creased his brow. “Should I be concerned?”
“Definitely.”
“And how can I earn your forgiveness?”
Kazuma’s smile bloomed into a full grin. “Just relax and let me do whatever I want.”
“How am I supposed to relax when my very life is being threatened?”
“Lord van Zieks, sir, you wound me...” He pouted slightly. “Don’t you know I have nothing but your well-being in my mind?”
“It sounds very convincing when spoken with this devious tone of voice.”
“You know... I really was planning to be nice, but you’re making me want to be cruel.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
Instead of retorting, Kazuma kissed him again. Contrary to his words, however, it was a slow, gentle kiss. The sudden shift in his behavior surprised Barok, who couldn’t respond properly before Kazuma parted their lips once again. He held Barok’s hand, then brought it to his mouth, kissing his wrist—no, an old scar close to it. From there, he moved his lips to his forearm, kissing a different scar, and then another not that far from it.
Those kisses didn’t stop, moving from one arm to the other, his face, and then his chest. The tenderness in those gestures brought a slightly amused—but not at all displeased—smile to Barok’s lips.
“I thought you had devious intentions?”
Kazuma let out a small laugh. “Sorry to disappoint you. But sometimes, all I want to do is hold you as gently as I can and show you how loved you are.”
Barok simply looked at him, speechless. Without waiting for a response, Kazuma returned to his kisses while Barok observed him. That man was always ready to provoke him with his words, and act on that mischievous way of his. But not even once had he made Barok not feel loved while they were together.
He did nothing but kiss him, every single scar in sight, all over his body—chest, stomach, back, limbs… And once he was done, he kissed Barok’s lips again, caressing his face and hair so gently his mind went blank. That man could make everything inside Barok crumble with his words, only to rebuild him again with those loving gestures, piece by piece. And Barok let him, as if every single time they embraced each other those pieces of them got mixed, and some of Kazuma became part of him, and part of him found its home in Kazuma.
Kazuma briefly interrupted the kissing, looking at him. “Barok… I can’t control how others see you, or how they feel about you. But to me, you are everything I could have asked for. The one I love, who I can trust without a single doubt, with whom I want to spend my entire life. And I love your body… All of it.”
He made a small pause, offering Barok a smile.
“You are lovely, Barok van Zieks. Exactly the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you… Even if your scars carry painful memories, they are a reminder of everything you survived as well. They made you the man you are right now, and I love every single one of them, because there isn’t a single thing that I don’t love about you.”
His words filled Barok’s chest with a sweet feeling, but a fragment of uneasiness persisted. “You really don’t think they are ugly?”
“Nothing about you is ugly. And before you think I’m just saying this for you to feel better, this is how I truly feel. I mean it when I say you are the most beautiful man I know.” He paused, moving closer to Barok until their foreheads were touching. “Barok, I love everything about you. Even these annoying parts, like your fears and insecurities… I could never bring myself to hate them because they are part of who you are.” He lowered his voice. “And I would never lie to you about any of this, so… Please, don’t doubt me. It hurts when you do.”
Barok’s heart stung. “I am very sorry.”
“Do you really understand how much I love you?”
“I do.”
“I hope so…” Kazuma sighed, moving away. “Because no matter how hard I try, I keep failing to turn it into proper words. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes one single time. Then, you would understand how much you mean to me.”
It was rare for Kazuma to be that forward with his words—usually, they were accompanied by playful comments and provocations. It almost left Barok at a loss. So, this time, he was the one to make a lighthearted comment.
“I could say the same to you,” said Barok. “I hate to take away your choices, but if you ever leave my side, I might perish.”
Kazuma chuckled, a playful smile taking form on his lips. “Am I that good in bed?”
That sounded more like him… Barok let out a groan.
“You are tolerable.”
Kazuma scowled. “You are quite mean today, Prosecutor van Zieks. I feel like you won’t stop until I’m crying in the corner.”
His response made Barok smile. He reached for Kazuma’s face, caressing his cheek. “You are wonderful, and everything I could ever have asked for.”
Kazuma averted his gaze. “It’s not much better when you’re this honest.”
What right did he have to utter those words, after all those things he had said to Barok? Not that any of it truly bothered him, on the contrary.
“Should I be crueler with my words, then?” asked Barok.
“No... I like this, too.” He placed a hand over Barok’s, holding it against his cheek. “And, about what you said... It’s not that different for me.” The grin was back on his face. “We might be doomed to stay together until we both die.”
“What a horrible thought.”
“Absolutely disgusting.”
As he said those words, he leaned forward and kissed Barok’s forehead, a gesture that brought a slight smile to Barok’s lips.
“You really enjoy kissing that old scar, don’t you?”
“It feels like it marks the perfect place for kisses.” His eyes moved to different scars, his smile widening. “But not the only one.”
“You may kiss anywhere you wish to.”
“Why would I, if my kisses are not appreciated?” he retorted in a sharper voice. “You said it yourself, I am nothing but tolerable.”
Unbelievable…
“Are you going to make me beg for more?” asked Barok.
“A tempting idea...” Kazuma pretended to consider it. “Sadly, I’m not strong enough to wait until you do.”
“How fortunate for me.”
“Isn’t that so? I may need to think of a way for you to repay me later.”
The way he acted difficult even when everything else showed his true feelings would never stop being amusing to Barok—amusing, but also so sweet he could feel himself falling in love all over again.
“Kazuma... You are so adorable.”
He said those words without thinking, but they earned him a small giggle.
“Don’t you sound completely enamored, my lord?”
“That might be true.”
Kazuma’s expression softened, that playful annoyance long gone.
“I might be the fortunate one, then.”
He leaned toward Barok to kiss his lips, and Barok held him closely, as if not even that proximity was enough to sate him.
They lay side by side in bed, overcome by a pleasant laziness after holding each other for so long. Kazuma was lying on his stomach, the sheets covering nothing above his hips. Barok observed him, those words Kazuma had said before suddenly returning to his mind.
His body wasn’t as scarred as Barok’s but had its fair share of permanent marks. Some quite old, some from his days as a sailor; most, however, had come from the countless times he had fought alongside Barok. It was a bittersweet sight, such a beautiful body covered by so many marks left by countless wounds.
But despite the painful memories, the scars he carried made him beautiful, which left Barok wondering if that was how Kazuma saw him as well. If so, then he could understand how his words were true.
He leaned over Kazuma, kissing the scar at the back of his neck. Then he did the same to the one on his shoulder and the ones on his back. It seemed to take Kazuma a moment to understand what he was doing, and when he finally did, a small laugh escaped his lips.
“Are you kissing my scars too?”
“I could not resist when I looked at them just now.” As he said it, Barok pressed another kiss on his back. “They are part of you… Part of what makes you so beautiful.”
“You do understand how I feel, then.”
“I do.” He paused, adding in a lower voice. “And my own foolishness as well.”
“Finally…”
He sounded so dramatically frustrated that Barok couldn’t hold back a smile. He gently turned Kazuma on his back so he could kiss the scars on his stomach and limbs, earning a half-contained giggle in response.
“It tickles a little.”
“When you sound like that, you make it difficult for me to want to stop.”
“I didn’t ask you to.”
So, Barok didn’t. He moved his lips up, reaching Kazuma’s chest, home to the largest of his scars: a horrible cut from a blade, long and deep, which had almost caused his death more than one year before—they were both injured in that fight, and still, Kazuma shielded him with his own body. It had healed well, but the mark never faded.
A single kiss wasn’t enough for that one, so Barok left a trail of kisses all over it, contouring its shape with his fingertips until Kazuma’s voice grabbed his attention.
“You know… When I got this one, I wondered if something would change permanently between us.”
Barok looked at him, surprised. “Why would it?”
Kazuma didn’t respond immediately, seeming hesitant. “The way you looked at it… You seemed so sad, as if you blamed yourself for what happened. It made me fear every time I had to take my shirt off before you, because I knew you would make that face as soon as you saw it.”
He was taken aback by those words. “I thought you were ashamed of it.”
“Not ashamed, but I came to hate it for a long time. I thought it was a repulsive thing, and that you wouldn’t want to look at me anymore because of the bad memories it brought.”
His words stung terribly. “Forgive me, I—”
“Let me finish what I’m saying,” Kazuma interrupted him, soon continuing in a softer voice. “Anyway, it really was like that at first… But then you stopped looking miserable, and instead got into this habit of kissing it or caressing it with your fingers every time we slept together. And it made me so happy. Like you took this really painful thing and, somehow, turned it into something good. Until I no longer hated it.” He averted his gaze. “That’s why I got so angry today… It wasn’t at you, but myself for allowing you to feel this same way for so long.”
Barok only observed him for a moment, then shook his head. “It is true that I used to feel guilt whenever I gazed upon it. Not only this scar, but all of these… You put yourself at risk so often for my sake. But they are also proof of all the times you protected me.”
“And made you furious at me for it.”
“True.” He admitted with the faintest hint of a chuckle. “I hate the very thought of you getting hurt… But you still rush to my aid every single time, no matter how much I scold you for it.”
“Because I hate it when you get hurt too.”
Barok never doubted such a thing. He lowered his eyes to that scar, once again feeling it with his fingers.
“I cannot remember my thoughts when I first did this,” he admitted. “But I am certain I was glad you were alive and in my arms. You have survived all of these wounds, and returned to my side every time. No matter how painful it may be to gaze upon them, it cannot be compared to the joy of having you here with me.”
“You finally understand how I feel.”
“I believe I do.” Barok smiled. “Thank you.”
To his delight, Kazuma looked away, seeming slightly embarrassed. “Don’t thank me so suddenly… I don’t know how to respond.”
Even after all that time, Barok could never guess which words would be the ones to cause a reaction like that. As if Kazuma’s devilishness was contagious, he leaned closer to respond.
“Say that you love me deeply and will never leave my side.”
Kazuma tried but failed to hold back a pleased smile. “Aren’t you suddenly confident, my lord?”
“You did this to me.”
“Good… I like your confidence.”
Glad to hear those words, Barok kissed his lips. His insecurities wouldn’t so easily fade away, but knowing Kazuma’s feelings made it easier for him to not listen to them—and learning about how similarly Kazuma had once felt helped him see those worries for what they truly were: the silly concerns of someone who hadn’t yet realized how deeply adored he was.
They kissed, and touched, and laughed at each other’s playfulness. When Barok was sitting on the bed, Kazuma got on his knees, leaning forward to kiss the scar on his forehead once again, to his amusement.
“You really like this scar…”
“I told you, it marks the perfect spot for kisses.”
This time, Barok couldn’t bring himself to doubt those feelings. With words and gestures like those, little by little, Kazuma replaced those painful memories with sweeter ones, just like Barok had unknowingly done for him.
“When you say this,” Barok murmured, “I almost come to appreciate it as well.”
“Is that so?” Kazuma grinned, pleased. “I’ll never stop, then.”
Barok pulled him closer, placing a kiss on his chest while Kazuma hugged his head close to it. When they shared such a tight embrace, perfectly fit together as if made to be, the sight of their marked bodies was the furthest thing from repulsive—if anything, at that moment, they looked more gorgeous than anything in the entire world.