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“I’ll be in a bit.”
“Alright.”
Tim forced himself to walk to the bedroom, taking one last look at Lucy to make sure she was still there, that she didn’t just vanish into thin air like she had been wishing for. He closed the door slightly behind him quietly, the breath that was caught in his chest still stuck there and unable to leave. He kept it closed enough to give her privacy, but open enough to hear her if she needed him.
He turned to look into the bedroom, feeling more lonely and cold than it had ever been before, even with Kojo’s large eyes glancing up at him. The dog whined quietly, head still resting on his paws on his dog bed like Tim had told him to as Tim turned on the bedside lamp.
Tim lowers himself slowly onto the edge of the bed and looks at the dog again.
“Come here, boy. Quiet,” he tells Kojo.
Kojo is all too ready to jump to his feet, nails clicking quickly on the wood floors before they jump onto the bed, but the dog remained quiet throughout. Tim pets Kojo’s head as the dog lays down on the bed beside him, head resting on Tim’s lap as his eyes look back up at him with a final huff.
As Tim’s hand moves down Kojo’s body in pets, glimpses of the day past through his head, the whole day off in a blur beyond pieces that were burned so deeply into his mind.
The slightest uptick of tightness in Lucy’s tone over the radio.
Finding Celina first.
Lucy not answering.
His heart hammering even though his demeanor was controlled as he relied on old military and cop habits and motions of clearing a space because it was the only thing he had to keep him sane.
Why the fuck was she not answering when he called her name?
That “here” in a voice he had not heard come from her before.
Lucy stiffly curled in on herself.
The way her eyes were wide but still blank.
Her answers coming a beat too slow in a voice that shook and still didn’t sound like hers.
The way he saw her already tensed up body begin to guard up with every step closer he took.
That image stayed with him longer than the others. Because even in the confusion and anger of their breakup in the parking lot she still waved him away when he got closer, still let him touch her to kiss her forehead, still reacted to him. Even after Caleb, Lucy had leaned into him and collapsed into his arms as he held her, had been warmer and let others get close to her in the hospital.
He had immediately recognized the signs of shock and saw her starting to spiral. He kept his tone logical and systematic, grounding, making her Officer Chen like when he was her TO as a lifeline. And he saw her respond to it. Every time she went to steer off of it, he saw her voice pitch up and shake and Tim had to bring her back.
And all the things after.
Like the fact that her voice shook and eyes dilate wildly when she remembered Harper and Nolan - not just because she feared for her safety, but because she had been terrified that she had failed them. That she had been sent to help them, but instead couldn’t move in a building up cell. The fear that something had happened to them because she didn’t do her job. He knew that because he knew her, and he knew the way she shouldered her job and responsibility.
Then it was all the little things that had made Tim just want to hold her, promise her that it would all be okay even though he couldn’t. She needed him as her Watch Commander in those moments to have her back and protect her.
Images he knew would never leave him.
How he stayed with Lucy every step of the way.
The way he couldn’t tell if her bruises were settling into her skin or if it was the station's fluorescent lights that made her skin more vibrantly coloured than he remembered first seeing them.
Either way, it didn’t matter. Tim would remember every single piece and placement for the rest of his life.
How she moved through the motions, limbs moving robotically, but her mind clearly elsewhere.
How hands shook when forced to grab things.
The way his heart broke every time he looked at her and saw that Lucy could barely hold it together, her chin trembling just slightly before forcing it to stop when she realized.
And when it wasn’t, she had this far off look like she was a million miles away.
Telling Angela to get his pack instead of hers when she was allowed to change out of her uniform.
The way he saw the first sign of relief as she sunk into his sweater, too oversized on her, and let it become armour as she finished the rest of the processing. Usually seeing her in his clothes sent warmth and allure through his body. But this time, it made the stone in his chest heavier. She looked smaller in it now than all the other times she stole it before.
He had stood behind the shut door for a few seconds too long before calling Genny to let Kojo out and take him for a quick walk when Lucy went into the room with Nolan because they would be home late.
He took that time to go back to his office and do the paperwork needed so he would be ready to go home when she did. That he could do, even if the footsteps he took to his office seemed to echo in his ears and the world blur around him. He could focus on the methodical steps he needed to take as Watch Commander to explain the events of the day and file them away for the report.
Lucy was silent the whole ride home. Her eyes were still lost in fog and she still sunk her face slightly so that her chin and bottom lip was hidden by the sweater. Tim kept the truck warm and put on her playlist of favourite songs softly in the background. He didn’t force her to talk, and didn’t overstimulate her by doing it himself.
Kojo was still outside in the backyard when they came home. He had asked Genny to because he knew that the dog running up to Lucy and jumping on her after having drug crazed people chase after her and trying to kill her would send her into a complete panic. But somehow when he opened the sliding glass door, keeping it more closed than normal so he could talk to the dog and make sure he would be calm before letting him in, Kojo already seemed to know. He barked and tail wagged excitedly before he calmed down in seconds, whining and still, almost cowering in worry when he finally came inside and saw Lucy.
Kojo walked up to her slowly, as though asking if it was okay if he could come up to her. The dog seemed to immediately know Lucy was the one hurt and scared. In a response that was once again a second too long for Tim’s comfort, Lucy kneeled down and let Kojo walk to her, holding him and petting him slowly, Kojo reacting in kind, and Tim went to the kitchen to make her favourite tea. And when it was ready, he told Kojo to go to his bed and like a good dog, he obeyed to give Lucy her space again.
Even though it was breaking him to leave her in the living room, Tim knew that he had to leave too. Tim needed to give her space. She was still stiff around him, still barely responsive when he did talk to her. That need was further proven when she barely responded to the kiss on her forehead. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t lean into it, barely made movement like she normally did.
It made sense she needed space, especially when he overheard her explain how close he was when it all happened, after running for her life scared. Tim knew that she still had enough of a state of mind to go to him when she needed someone else to collapse into instead of her own mind. And when she was ready, he would be there; every time.
But paperwork, writing what had happened in detail to ensure everything was by the book, was easy. This? This was so much harder.
Tim took in a sharp breath, as though his body forced him to remember to breathe even if it was shallow.
He should’ve gone himself. It didn’t matter that Lucy was Sergeant and next up in command or that it would look like he was giving her a favour. Line of duty be damned. When both Harper and Nolan had gone radio silence he knew something was wrong. Neither of them would’ve ever gone quiet and not alert dispatch for that long unless something was incredibly wrong. He should’ve even sent more shops there in the first place to help back her and Celina up.
It didn’t matter that hindsight was 20-20. He should’ve done more. He should’ve done better. The responsibility he felt on his shoulders, in his chest, over putting her into this position wouldn’t go away. This was on him too, both as her Watch Commander and as her partner in every way possible.
Kojo whined again. Tim looked down, realizing he had been staring at the wall for a while now. Kojo looked back up at him with eyes of worry. Tim continued to stroke his fur, forcing away the heavy feeling coming up his throat.
“She’ll be okay, buddy,” he whispered.
He had to keep repeating that.
She would be okay.
Because he knew that she would be. Lucy was the strongest person he’s ever met. Even if it took a while, she would get through this. And he would be there every second of it. Tim would be there as much or as little as Lucy wanted. He would go to every therapist appointment if she wanted, would have a beach day tomorrow with her if she needed the sunlight and waves to get her out of her head, would cut off his own arm if it somehow made even an ounce of her pain disappear.
There was no way he was coming in tomorrow. Probably a few days. He wouldn’t leave her alone and it wasn’t like she had anyone else. Her parents were no help. He wouldn’t put this on Genny to care for her in this state. And even if he was at work, his mind would be thinking of her every second he was away and that could get one of his officers killed.
Tim didn’t care if it meant he would get written up for taking a day, a week even, off for this. He didn’t care what his superiors, IAB, or anyone else would say or think. He didn’t care if that meant they would fire him from his position for not being able to separate his work life from his personal life.
None of that mattered. If he had to choose between his job or Lucy, there wouldn’t be a second of hesitation. It would be her. It would always be her.
His gaze drifted to his pocket, feeling his phone there for the first time all night. No one was blowing it up, everyone knew that if Tim or Lucy needed them, they would call. And if the couple had updates to give, they would. The thing about cops was that most of them had the same trauma of killing someone for the first time, and knowing first-hand that someone else forcing themselves into a grieving process only made it worse.
He took his phone out of his pocket and clicked on Grey’s contact before bringing his phone to his ear.
Grey picked up halfway through the first ring.
“How’s Lucy?” he asked.
“Still processing everything,” Tim answered, his voice still quiet.
“And what about you, Tim?” Grey asked. “How are you feeling?”
He wasn’t expecting that question. This time, it was Tim who hesitated for a second too long before responding.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. He ran a hand over his face.
He could already picture Grey nodding even though he was over the phone.
“Seeing the person you love hurt like that is one of the hardest things someone will go through,” Grey told him. “I know it can feel like you aren’t doing enough, and that it sometimes hurts to give her what she needs, but I want you to know that if you need anyone too, I’m always here.”
Tim smiles slightly, a quiet place of relief untensing his shoulders a bit.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Tim told him, thankful. He couldn’t put all the words he wanted into the discussion, but the warmth of it was spreading through the not in his stomach. Angela had said something similar before they went home. It felt good to know that he had others to help.
“Actually, there is something I wanted to ask you,” Tim said, absentmindedly stroking Kojo’s fur again. “I don’t want to leave Lucy tomorrow. I don’t even know if we will get any sleep tonight. I was wondering if you would be able to cover your old post as Watch Commander.”
“I’ve already talked to the Captains and cleared it. I can cover you as long as you need,” Grey told him. “And we have Lucy’s Sergeant placement covered as well.”
Tim’s breath caught for a second. Grey already had the process rolling before he could even realize that he needed to ask him.
“I’d hate to put you out, I know you love your new fancy job,” Tim tries to joke at the end, lighten the knot inside.
“I knew you wouldn’t be in and would need time with Lucy,” Grey told him. “One less thing to worry about.”
Tim closed his eyes, feeling his heart beat in his ears as his shoulders slacked a little more. He felt a sniffle try to escape before he swallowed it.
He wasn’t alone. They weren’t alone.
“Thank you,” Tim told him, more grateful than he could express. He then let out a soft chuckle, “you knew before I did.”
“Bradford, you took a damn demotion desk job so that you could be with her within a few months of dating,” Grey told him. “As if I wouldn’t think you would stay with her as long as she needed.”
Tim let out another small laugh. Damn did Grey have him read.
“Take as long as you need. Lucy too. Don’t worry about the department here. Nolan was still at the desk with Percy West and looking over body cam footage when I left making sure Lucy would be okay internal investigation wise. I don’t need to see it to know that they will drop their investigation. She’s a good cop, so are you. If you need time to get this together, take it.”
Tim smiled, a small tear moving down his cheek.
“Thank you, Sir,” Tim told him.
“And Tim, you make sure you make an appointment yourself,” Grey tells him, not sternly but making sure that the point gets across gently.
Tim gulps, but nods.
“Yeah, I know. It’s on my to do list,” Tim answers.
“Make sure it doesn’t get too far down on it,” Grey tells him before a pause. “I’ll let you take the rest of the night. Take care of her, Tim. And take care of yourself too.”
Tim nods and responds after a moment, “I will. Thank you, Sir. Night.”
“Night, Bradford,” Grey ends it more lighter before hanging up.
For a moment, Tim can only sit there. But after a few seconds, he brings his phone back down. He lets out a breath before looking down at Kojo.
“She’ll be in here when she’s ready,” Tim tells him. The dog only pats his tail in response. Tim smiles lightly before getting up off the bed.
Kojo follows him around as he goes to the ensuite to do his bedtime routine, and when Tim finally takes off his clothes that he didn’t realize felt so heavy before putting on pjs. It was like the dog was watching over him too.
When it was over, he checked the clock on his bed stand. Almost midnight. It didn’t matter. He didn’t feel sleepy and not nearly ready for bed. Not until Lucy was there. So, he sprayed her pillow with her lavender spray she always uses and then sat back in his spot at the edge of the bed as he waited for her in the low light of the lamp.
He wasn’t sure how much later he hears the shuffle of feet walking down the hallway. Kojo’s ears perked up and he turned his head to look at the door too from where he laid at the bottom of the end of the bed. Tim looks too, quiet and waiting patiently as there is a small pause at the door. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t rush her. After a few seconds, the door opens with a small creak and Tim sees Lucy in the doorway, her small body hidden in the shadows for only a second. When she steps in, she pauses again as she looks over Tim. Her face is wet and puffy, her eyes red like they were permanently stained. Tim immediately gets up and goes to walk to her but Lucy already hurries into his arms the instant they start to open.
Tim holds her tightly against him and lets Lucy cry into his chest. He rests his chin at the top of her head, swaying them lightly.
“I’ve got you,” Tim tells her softly. “I’ve got you.”
Lucy nods, but it does nothing to stop her quiet tears and sniffling. She curls against him, arms tight to her body like she is hiding. She hasn’t felt this fragile in his arms since Caleb.
Tim blinks away his own tears.
“I’ve got you,” he promises.