Chapter Text
“Well, they don’t allow queers to fly.”
“Being crazy doesn’t mean anything remember the catch?”
“No! I mean a homosexual.”
Yossarian nodded. “So.. if I kissed a guy then I could be discharged?”
“You wouldn’t do that.”
“I would.”
“You wouldn’t, it’s a permanent problem on your records. No one will hire you after the war, what about your family anyways?”
“They’ll be happy to see me.”
“You’re not gay.”
“Maybe I am.”
“Who would kiss you?”
“Someone.”
“Well you can bring it to Catchart for your discharge papers.”
———
The chaplain walked quietly in the wilderness, soon he would arrive at his tent write a letter to his wife and figure out wherever it was he was supposed to eat at today. Hopefully with Yossarian. When he did finally get there he saw Yossarian leaning against the tent. The chaplain averted his gaze, “is there anything you need?”
“A cigarette would be nice, but I need your help with something.”
He now looked right at Yossarian and the possible help he could need.
“Yes?”
“Could you help me prove to Catchart that I’m queer.”
“What?”
“It could get me discharged from war.”
“Why would I.. I’m a man of god!”
“Even better! Please, you could be saving my soul.”
“I have a wife, children, a god to serve!”
“Please.” Yossarian’s face was quite pathetic now, but the chaplain cared for him (he wouldn’t admit anything more); maybe this was how he could get Yossarian out of war.
“Ok.”
“Great! All you have to do is kiss me in front of the colonel.”
Again his doubts began to rise.
“In front of him?” He said trying to mask his astonishment.
“How else?”
“You could tell him you tried to-“ his voice trailed off not wanting to think let alone say what he was thinking, “he’ll hand you your papers after that surely.”
———
“You have to discharge me!”
Colonel Catchart looked disinterested, “I don’t.”
“But Doc Daneka said-“
“We need you to fly. Complete your missions at least.”
Yossarian sighed and grated out the words, “I have! You keep raising them.”
“So you’re not done are you?”
“No!”
“Once you’ve completed them I might discharge you.”
Yossarian stood there in shock, Daneka told him he would no doubt have his papers and a ruined reputation, now he had neither.
“What are you staring at? Get out of my office.”
“What if I could prove it?”
“Do whatever just get out would you?”
Yossarian marched out thinking if the chaplain could be of more use.
———
“He said I could prove it to him. Chaplain please.”
The chaplain was growing weary of this plan, but he made a promise. “How would you prove it?”
The sly grin on the other’s face made him wish he hadn’t asked.
“Well I could kiss you, if I described it to him he would have to.”
“Yes, but you were sure last time.”
“He said it himself.”
“Ok.. just one.” The chaplain became stiff, standing perfectly straight with his eyes closed.
“What are you doing?”
Slowly he opened his eyes meekly, “are you doing this or not?”
Again he stood perfectly still, finally the kiss came. Yossarian felt the other immediately start melting it seemed.
“Will that work?”
“Probably” Yossarian sighed, “but another couldn’t hurt could it?”
The two started moving closer together when they heard a voice not too far off,“What are you two doing?” The chaplain returned to the tense posture before answering, “oh, Whitcomb, it’s you!”
Immediately Whitcomb rushed toward the two.
“What are you doing chaplain? A man of god?”
The chaplain could wonder the same, instead he felt his face became warm when he started stuttering, “I’m-“
“Sorry Whitcomb it was my idea, don’t blame him. I guess this warrants a trip to Cathcart on the account that I’m a gay who needs to be sent home.”
“What?” The other two said in shock.
Yossarian held out his hands waiting to be dragged back into the colonel’s office.
“Just go” the general yelled.
The two immediately rushed toward the building to talk to Cathcart.
———
“I thought I just talked to you” The colonel hissed.
“I have proof, so I’ll be waiting for my letter to pack any day now.”
“I don’t care if you have proof or not! We need you as bombardier whether you’re gay or not.”
“But you said-“
“I said you could do whatever you wanted, I didn’t say you would be sent home.”
“Please I could describe it! It was warm, slightly chapped-“
“Yossarian, you will fly your missions. That is it, you will leave when you are prompted” He bellowed.
Again Yossarian marched out the room, waiting outside was the chaplain (seemingly in prayer). Grabbing his wrists to pull him from the seat Yossarian glared at him and the chaplain gazed back curiously, “What did he say?”
Two decisions were on his mind: on one hand he could tell the truth and loose this opportunity that was in front of him and face the chaplain’s disappointment; on the other hand, he could lie and hope this would come to fruition, worse case he could just enjoy the chaplain’s presence.
“He… said that he didn’t believe me still. Maybe we keep trying?”
“Maybe, but it’ll have to be private. Whitcomb is going to slit my throat.”
The thought of the chaplain’s throat with bites on it was becoming appealing, but he pushed that aside, “Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“What for?”
“We have to make this seem real don’t we?”
“I suppose.”
———
Sitting on his desk, the chaplain tried to zone out Whitcomb’s nonstop rambling about what he saw. Pen to his mouth he thought about what he should write to his wife:
~~~
My dear wife, tell the kids I miss them dearly, keep them safe. I hope this war ends soon so I can be back with you. Today I kissed a man and I enjoyed it, I hope I don’t suffer eternal damnation. I don’t know how to keep kissing him if I’m married to you, I’ll come up with a solution.
-All my love, your Albert
~~~
No, he just wouldn’t tell her, this wasn’t for kissing men it was for saving his friend from the military’s grasp. Maybe that was how he should frame it? Either way he spent most of the night begging to god for both the hope that he would be washed clean of his sins and that this opportunity would come again… tomorrow.