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Excerpts from Kimetsu Academy Magazine: Gossip Column, written by The Pierrot
April 12, 2017
Author: The Pierrot
(Yes, the column is back. Unfortunately so is the new school year.)
The first major tragedy of this semester has officially started. No, it’s not Agatsuma Zenitsu getting rejected by a pretty girl again; that is normal at this point.
The real disaster is Shinazugawa-sensei’s mathematics diagnostic test, which took place yesterday morning and has already been described by several traumatized first-years as “a literal war crime.” One student reportedly stared at the first question for fifteen full minutes before chanting to himself that perhaps dropping out and becoming a wandering monk would be a more realistic life plan. Upperclassmen were far less sympathetic, though, because most of them had already survived Shinazugawa-sensei’s class for at least one year.
Meanwhile, in the romance department – which continues to provide endless entertainment for the rest of the school – Agatsuma Zenitsu has once again attempted to confess to several girls during lunch break. Needless to say, the result was predictable. Witnesses claim that one girl rejected him before he even finished introducing himself; I’m afraid that may be a new school record. Agatsuma then spent the remainder of lunch declaring that women are heartless and destiny has chosen him for suffering, which attracted exactly zero sympathy from anyone within hearing distance.
But perhaps the strangest thing about this entire week is the very unnatural peace currently spread across Kimetsu Academy.
You see, Tomioka Giyuu-sensei is absent. No official announcement has explained why, which of course means the rumor mill has been working overtime. Some students claim he is attending some sort of professional training seminar. Others insist the faculty may have temporarily sealed him inside a storage room somewhere until the first-years recover physically and mentally.
February 14, 2017
Author: The Pierrot
(Valentine’s Day, also known as The Annual Festival of Awkward Confessions.)
If you walked into Kimetsu Academy this morning and thought the school had turned into a chocolate warehouse, you would not be entirely wrong. Since Valentine’s Day has arrived again, students pretend to act normal while secretly carrying bags of chocolate and rehearsing confessions in their heads. A few unlucky souls look like they would throw up before the first period even begins.
Let’s start with the school celebrities, because they always steal the spotlight anyway.
Kocho-sensei, to nobody’s surprise, received many gifts throughout the morning. Several students waited outside her classroom like they were lining up for a limited edition product launch, which tells you everything you need to know about sensei’s popularity. Sensei accepted every gift kindly, which only made the line longer because apparently kindness is very powerful marketing.
Even Tomioka Giyuu-sensei also received lots of chocolates. Yes, that Tomioka-sensei. The one who speaks about five sentences per week and somehow still manages to intimidate us poor peasants. Yet, this mysterious personality has somehow attracted a small group of admirers among the student body. First-year girls were seen nervously placing chocolate boxes on sensei’s desk this morning before fleeing the room.
However, if we are talking about true popularity, there is still one person who easily wins the day: Kocho Shinobu.
As one of the most admired third-years in the school, Kocho-senpai already has a reputation for being smart and pretty. Since she will be graduating this year, the younger students clearly decided that this is their last chance to express their love for her. By lunchtime, Kocho-senpai’s desk had almost completely disappeared under colorful boxes, gift bags, ribbons, handwritten notes, et cetera.
Feb 18, 2017
Author: The Pierrot
(Chocolate Mystery Investigation. Yes, we take journalism very seriously here.)
Unfortunately for many hopeful students, it has recently been confirmed that teachers are not allowed to accept Valentine’s gifts from students. Yes, we know. Tragic, right? According to our trusted sources, most teachers have already redistributed their chocolates to other staff members or students.
However, a certain rumor has begun spreading across campus. The source of this rumor, Agatsuma Zenitsu, says that he went to the faculty office to submit some paperwork and briefly saw Tomioka-sensei’s desk while the teacher stepped away to retrieve a grade report. According to Agatsuma, most of the chocolate boxes on sensei’s desk were gone, which makes sense given the school rule.
But there was still one small gift bag left. Even more interesting, the chocolate inside that bag had clearly already been eaten; yet the gift bag itself was still there, folded and placed neatly on the desk. That chocolate, and its giver, was clearly very special to Tomioka-sensei. The important question is obvious: Who gave it to him? (Suppose that the story was real and Agatsuma did not just pull it out of his ass, of course.)
March 25, 2017
Author: The Pierrot
(Graduation Day: dramatic crying and far too many cameras.)
Graduation day has arrived at Kimetsu Academy, which means the campus is now full of nervous underclassmen and teachers who are trying very hard to look serious while everyone around them is crying. Agatsuma Zenitsu sobbed loudly during the ceremony even though he is not even graduating this year.
The highlight of it all was undoubtedly Kocho Shinobu, who graduated with top honors and delivered the student speech.
Naturally, the Kocho family attracted plenty of attention as they celebrated Kocho-senpai’s achievement. But here is the surprise: during one of the family photos, Tomioka Giyuu-sensei was standing with them. Not nearby or passing through; he was actually in the photo himself, standing beside them like he had been invited there. Who knew Tomioka-sensei and the Kocho family were close enough for that?
One might say maybe he just came to congratulate a former student. But still.
April 15, 2019 (two years later)
Author: The Pierrot
(Yes, the column is alive again.)
For the past two years, our column has been rather quiet because nothing truly shocking happened at Kimetsu Academy. Until now.
Dear readers, we regret to inform you that the gossip of the year has officially arrived,. According to reliable sources, confirmed by multiple people who attended the ceremony,
Tomioka Giyuu-sensei and Kocho Shinobu are now married.
Yes. That Tomioka-sensei. And that Kocho Shinobu.
Anyone remember the graduation photos? Or the Valentine’s chocolate rumor? Looking back now, the signs may have been there all along, but even the most experienced gossip experts like us did not predict that things would go this far.
Honestly, though, they look ridiculously good together; at this point, as a community, we should all accept this outcome and move on.
Lesson of the day: Valentine’s Day at this school is apparently far more dangerous than we thought.