Work Text:
Dazai woke up in the middle of the night, panicked after a nightmare. He checked beside him just to see a redhead snoring lost in his sleep.
He partially calmed down at the sight but the thoughts from before he fell asleep came back again to haunt him stronger this time. He had noticed something was wrong the whole day but he just brushed it off thinking it wasn’t that serious.
He was doing much better now that he was with the ADA and after he got back with Chuuya things were even better. He quit smocking and self harming, and even his attempts became more of a habit than actually trying to kill himself.
All until that day. He tried getting back to sleep and calming a bit more but everything seemed futile as his mind continued drifting to darker places, screaming awful things to him.
You are useless.
What monster such as you can deserve someone as good as Chuuya?
He would live a better life if you just died in some ditch.
He tried to shut all the voices, reminding himself that his boyfriend loved him and that he was just imagining it all. But after all, weren't they right?
Wasn’t he just a monster? Someone that barely qualified as human, that had taken more lives than anyone else in the mafia and even enjoyed it at times, envying that they could reach what he wanted so much.
Yeah, he was definitely a monster.
He didn’t know how he found himself in the bathroom. Rationally, he knew he should be calling Chuuya to help him but he was already spiraling too much and didn’t want to wake him up for something so stupid.
Relapsing one time wasn't so bad after all, right? It was, but right now he could not indulge on such thoughts focused as he was to undo all of his bandages.
He stared at all the scars that showed up on both his arms after he had uncovered them.Oh, how he hated seeing his skin. He felt even more miserable knowing that new ones will be added again after years. He felt like throwing up at the mere thought but he couldn’t back up now that he was so close to the sweetness of pain, at least something he was familiar with.
As much as he hated it, he also deserved it. He deserved to bleed. He deserved to feel it all. He deserved to be treated like the monster he was.
He quickly grabbed a blade, hands shaking in the process making him curse silently trying not to wake up the redhead sleeping in the next room.
He thought of calling him one last time as he pressed the blade to his skin but he abandoned that idea as soon as it came, he wasn’t in the right state of mind to think clearly.
He pressed a little harder, dragging along his skin. He could feel the burn but he was almost numb at it as he watched the blood that had started pouring copiously.
He made another cut and then another one, continuing until he decided to switch arms. Crimson liquid dripped to the floor staining it. He would have had to clean it but that was a problem for the Dazai of the future, right now his only thought was getting out all the sorrow he felt.
Once both his arms were full of red he stopped to stare at his horrific art piece carved once again into his flesh, a new entry to his collection of painful memories.
He couldn’t feel anything, the usual hurt wasn’t hitting the same.
He needed more. More, more, more, more.
That’s all he could think about, apathy the only thing inside of him.
He grabbed the blade harder, cutting his hands as he bringed it back at his left arm.
He started to cut into his wrist, a place he’s been avoiding because he needed pain but nothing more. But right now he had put all of his cares aside, he just wanted to feel something, it didn’t matter what.
Even more blood poured out of the wound but he really could not care less, not a single thought was crossing his mind if not how beautiful the red floor was and how his arm looked just right slashed like that.
He started laughing hysterically for no reason at all. He tried to contain it but he couldn’t help it as he started to feel a bit dizzy. He was losing his mind, wasn’t he?
“Dazai!”
He turned to see a very concerned Chuuya still in his pajamas, his hair slightly messy. He was standing completely frozen at the sight before him with his hand still on the handle of the bathroom door.
Dazai had stopped laughing but was still smiling amply at him, his eyes wide with pure insanity. He wasn’t even bothered by the fact that his boyfriend was seeing him in this state, he was just slightly annoyed that he had to stop cutting.
“Dazai, you’re losing a lot of blood.” The redhead was starting to approach him very slowly, not wanting to make the situation worse.
Reality seemed to finally kick in just in that moment. The pain started to feel a lot more real than before and the gravity of this whole thing made Dazai panic while he tried to come up with some excuses.
“I went a little too far–” He stopped, feeling a lot more dizzy than before.
Blood was still dripping from his cuts and Chuuya was right: it was becoming too much blood. His legs began to shake and he could no longer hold himself up so he fell forward, getting caught by his boyfriend before he could hit the ground.
“Hey, hey. Everything’s gonna be alright.” Chuuya was speaking softly, making the brunette lay on his back while holding him in his arms.
Tiny black spots were starting to blur his vision and he was freezing cold. His hearing was muffled and he couldn’t properly understand the words that were coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth while he was speaking with someone on the phone that he had just pulled out.
“I’m sorry” he muttered, almost whispered, that’s all he could manage as he was starting to drift off.
“... yes he’s lost a lot of blood, come quickly.” he stopped, turning to face his boyfriend. “It’s okay mackerel, we’ll get through this.” He was stroking the brunette’s hair, his face and clothing covered in Dazai’s blood. The brunette could only feel guilty knowing that it was all his fault.
“Everything’s gonna be fine, everything's gonna be fine…” He continued repeating the same sentence over and over, not sure if he was trying to reassure Dazai, himself or maybe both.
“Listen to me Osamu, concentrate on my voice– hey, stay with me! Please resist a little longer, help is coming.” As much as Dazai wanted to obey every word spoken by the redhead, he could no longer hear him while his vision went completely dark, finally passing out.
When he woke up again the only thing he could see was a bare white ceiling. He tried to sit up, but just by lifting his arms he started to see bright colours flash in his vision so he carefully laid back again in the bed he was in.
He turned his head right to figure out where exactly he was; he was met by a wood door and another empty bed that he both recognized as part of the agency infirmary. So there he was.
He then turned to the other side: a waterfall of red curls was on the side of the bed where his boyfriend was sleeping. His heart ached a little at the vision, he felt responsible for making him rest in a non-so-comfortable position for god knows how many hours.
“Chuuya.” The redhead started to wake hearing his voice. When he saw that Dazai was awake he got up to help him in a sitting position. He then took a glass of water and handed it to him.
The brunette tried to lift his arms to take it but he winced in pain after the first movement. Seeing this Chuuya brought the glass directly to his lips, tilting his head with the other hand to help him drink.
“How are you feeling?” he asked gently. It wasn’t the first time he stayed with Dazai in the aftermath of an attempt so he knew that getting angry in these moments was pointless if not dangerous.
“Good.” He lied obviously, he knew Chuuya was not expecting an honest answer.
The redhead noticed how his boyfriend’s hands were clenching on the covers to stop the trembling. He got a little closer to him with his chair and took his hands in his.
“I thought you were getting better, did something happen?” He was still speaking carefully, scared that the wrong question could make Dazai shut completely.
Dazai debated mentally whether to respond with one of his usual jokes but he pushed down that option the moment he turned his head up and saw the look of concern in his boyfriend’s eyes.
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I just needed a way to stop the voices.” He spoke in a low tone, barely audible, while lowering his gaze and focusing intensely on his lap. Even if he made a lot of progress opening up, he still had a lot of troubles talking about his emotions.
Chuuya sighed. “You could’ve woken me up, you know you’re not bothering me. Why didn’t you?”
Why didn’t he?
Dazai could only stare back at him thinking about an answer. He knew that the redhead was right so why didn’t he. He could have avoided all of this and he would have spared Chuuya of this shit he always seemed to put him in.
Hot tears started to stream down his face and he was unable to stop them, his facade completely forgotten. He was with Chuuya after all and he could show his true self, he was safe with him.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m–” he stopped talking when the redhead threw himself at him, wrapping his arm tightly around his shoulders.
He didn’t say anything, words weren’t needed. Feeling his hot skin against him and the slow rising and falling of his chest was enough for Dazai to calm down. It was Chuuya’s way of saying “I’m with you” and it always worked. The brunette wanted badly to hug him back but his arms were hurting too much to do so.
After several minutes they broke apart and Chuuya pressed his hand on his boyfriend’s cheek to swipe away the tears that had stopped falling.
“I’m not mad, I could never be for something like this. I know you’re struggling but I want you to wake me next time you are not feeling good, okay?”
“Understood.”
Neither of them said anything for the next few minutes, they just stared at each other in silence, but not the awkward one. It was the comfortable silence; the one where words could only be useless, the one where they lost themselves in each other’s eyes.
“Ehy Chuuya.”
“Uhm?”
“I love you.”
Chuuya’s eyes widened hearing those words. It wasn’t the first time Dazai said it but he wasn’t the type to confess love every day, it was quite rare and it never failed at melting the redhead’s eyes.
Chuuya leaned closer to leave a kiss on Dazai’s lips, just a soft peck. He then hugged him again.
“I love you too mackerel.”