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Neil is weird when Billy is discharged from the hospital in late August. He’s almost soft with Billy, it makes him uneasy and more than anything it just fucking hurts, watching Neil choke back his ever present anger and managing to not fly off the handle fucking hurts.
Because that means that his dad must have had the ability to do this all along, he just didn’t care enough about him to bother.
But now that Billy is hailed as a hero in public but is nothing but a ghost, aimless and lost and shambling around in their haunted house, Neil suddenly cares the way Billy had always wanted him to.
Now that Billy wakes up at all hours screaming from nightmares about the shadow, now that he can’t even look in a mirror without seeing the eyes of all the people he fucking killed looking back, now that Billy deserves the punishments more than ever, Neil is making nice so he gets to brag about his son, the ‘Mall Hero’ to his buddies at work.
Billy had known from the beginning that it couldn’t last but he still felt sick to his stomach at the twisted sense of relief when two months of cloying smiles and forced affection came to an end with a quickly bruising black eye.
He hadn’t meant to drop the plate; his hands just shake sometimes now after everything but just one of Susan’s good dishes had been enough for Neil to drop the act. It wasn’t even too bad all things considered, Billy had thought after waiting so long, he’d get more than just a pop to the face.
When Susan had pulled him away hissing about Billy’s upcoming doctor’s appointment, his dad’s sudden pale face made more sense, these days Billy has medical appointments coming out of his ass where he’s poked and prodded about every tiny scratch on his body.
Neil didn’t hit him again after that, with Billy barely leaving his bedroom, black eyes and bust lips were harder to explain away. Billy doesn’t know if Owens just didn’t believe his bullshit about tripping over some steps or if there was some kind of system in place that warranted the welfare check but all it took in the end was just one officer showing up at Cherry Lane to put a stop to Neil’s fists.
Neil was still Neil though, so punishments had to become more creative after that.
So sometimes Billy isn’t allowed to eat, or Neil will purposely make a mess that he has to clean up.
Which was… fine.
It’s nothing he couldn’t handle before, so he pushes through. It helps that most of the time he feels too shitty to eat anyway and if his stitches break open once or twice from hours of scrubbing the kitchen clean then Billy’s too fucking tired to care.
He’s always so fucking tired now, it’s almost like when the shadow left his body it took everything that Billy had left with it and only left him with two things: numbness and fear. He tries for Max, can tell the kid’s practically vibrating with the need for Billy to be normal again but he’s performed so many versions of Billy Hargrove over the years that he’s not sure which one is real anymore.
The newest flavour of the bullshit that is Billy’s life is the whole being fucking kicked out thing. The first night that his dad dragged him out of bed and directly out the front door had been enough of a surprise that Billy felt something other than his two stock emotions. Shock.
For most of his life Billy’s got used to being locked in, the deadbolt on his bedroom door the witness to that particular song and dance, so the new variable had admittedly fucked him up more than a little bit. Even all these months later he still can’t judge the unpredictability of it all, at least he’d been able to tell when a hit was coming, he could sense the moments before disaster, feel the wind back of a fist before it came his way but Neil doesn’t seem to have a tell for the nights when Billy’s unceremoniously dumped onto the streets.
Tonight, he figures it’s the nightmares that did it. God forbid Billy’s screaming ruins a family dinner.
Billy was still half asleep when he’d been ordered out of the house, sleeping the day away being his usual preferred activity if he can get away with it. Neil had let him out earlier for a piss and some toast before ushering him back into his room and the click of the lock that followed had told Billy he was free to waste his day as he pleased.
At least Billy has learned to always keep a jacket and shoes on when he sleeps, that first night he’d had to settle for a pair of flip flops – some old Californian relics still lying around and the only thing Max could scrounge up in a hurry.
Billy checks his pockets for his wallet and wonders if Neil spares a minute to consider what the fuck he even does on nights like these, especially now that he hasn’t even got a car to hunker down in anymore. He could buy one, there’s that fat cheque sitting in his nightstand courtesy of the US government, but Billy hasn’t cashed it in, something about it not sitting right and being out in public is not his favourite thing these days with his newfound anxiety about fucking everything.
Billy shuffles around the back of the house to Max’s window and frowns when she’s not in her usual position with an offering of whatever she could scramble up. He can hear her though, Max’s voice ringing out loud and angry through her bedroom door until she bursts through it, slamming it behind her.
“I’m sorry Billy,” Max says, her face is red and blotchy with unshed tears. “I’ve been making him mad talking about you. I didn’t mean to! I just wanted you to be allowed out to fucking eat with us at least!”
Billy shrugs. “’s fine Max.”
“It’s not fine Billy; it’s not fucking fair. I hate him.”
“Join the club kid.” Billy bites his lip against a smile; he’s glad she’s still got enough of that fire to cover them both. “It’s alright, I’ll just do the usual.”
“Billy, you can’t,” Max says urgently. “He’ll be –”
Whatever Max had been about to say is cut off by Susan’s entrance as she slips into the room and softly closes the door behind her. She glances over to the window but doesn’t meet Billy’s gaze. She never does.
“Maxine, dinner is ready honey. Neil’s waiting for us.”
“Tell Neil that he can go fuck himself,” Max seethes, baring her teeth like a cornered animal like Billy used to. “I can’t believe you’re just letting him do this!”
Billy feels a hot flash of fear settle in the pit of his stomach as his eyes flit to the closed door. Neil’s been drinking more lately and sometimes he gets this look in his eye when Max talks back. Some nights when he looks at Max it’s more like the way that Neil looks at Billy and that thought fucking terrifies him.
“Hey,” Billy says in an attempt to placate her. “I’m good Max, honest. Go eat dinner, I’ll be back in the morning.”
Quickly backing away from the window before Max can get going again, Billy slips into the darkness and sets off on the now familiar route to Loch Nora.
If someone told Billy back then that Steve Harrington would let him stay at his house and regularly at that, he would have laughed in their face. But that first night when Billy stood at Max’s window, pale faced and scared shitless at the thought of what happened the last time he was out alone at night, Max’s face had grown steely, and she’d firmly told Billy she’d handle it.
Billy had been too tired, too cold and too fucking terrified to do anything but go along with it when Steve’s car pulled up at the side of the road. He’d sat in silence as Steve drove, he didn’t speak when he put on the warm clothes that were bundled into his hands, just went with it when Steve parked him in front of the fire and wordlessly drank the hot chocolate he was given.
Billy had known that he should feel something, the old him would have bristled at the attention, would have spat fire and lashed out at the perceived pity from Steve but he hadn’t been able to reach for the shield that was his anger anymore.
Another emotion that the shadow had snuffed out.
Steve had chattered at him about work, the movie they were watching, even the fucking weather and thankfully didn’t seem to take offence at Billy’s ongoing silence. Billy had nodded off eventually and later when the sun was high in the sky, Steve woke him up with eggs and bacon and orange juice like he was running the breakfast buffet at a fucking five star hotel.
It wasn’t until the car was parked on Cherry Lane that Billy managed to stutter out a pathetic sounding thanks, the only word he’d uttered since he’d climbed into the same car the night before. Steve had replied anytime with such sincerity it made Billy’s head spin.
It had dawned on Billy later, wide awake at 3am after another nightmare that somehow, the night he’d slept on Steve’s couch was the first night since July he’d slept soundly.
After that it was easy, Steve said anytime and Billy believed him. At least once a week when Neil decides Billy’s mere presence in the house is a problem, Billy makes his way across town to the Harrington’s.
It had been awkward at first, of course it was, the last time he’d spoken to Steve had ended in blood and Billy had never apologised. But as the months had grown colder, whatever this thing was between them had warmed Billy up to the guy. Steve was just easy to be around somehow, he didn’t care when Billy had been nothing but a silent presence in his house and didn’t make a big deal out of it when Billy had started to talk, haltingly at first but growing surer over time.
They'd figured out pretty early on that sharing a bed helps but sometimes Steve still gets nightmares too and they'd spent a lot of sleepless nights finding comfort in having another person around who understands. The nights that they'd stay up watching shitty TV at 4am, hands tightly clasped together and waiting for the sun to rise went from feeling like a weird fever dream to something special that Billy holds onto on the nights he's locked in rather than out.
Now, Steve will invite him over on days that Billy doesn’t need to use his house as sanctuary. They hang out almost everyday, Steve is probably the best friend that Billy's ever had. Billy’s even been allowed to join Steve and Robin for movie nights a couple of times, Billy likes her and he thinks that she at the very least tolerates him back. Billy starts to feel things again, feels happy even and it’s probably one of the only good things besides Max that he has going for him after the shadow and Billy’s trying really hard not to fuck it up.
It’s just that it’s been so long that Billy’s had a best friend. A real one anyway. He doesn’t know how to do it properly. Steve and Robin make it look effortless and he envies them in a way, it always feels like a fucking effort for Billy, he’s always worrying he’s said too much or sometimes that he hasn’t said enough.
There’s also the matter of the unhealthy interest that Billy has always had for Steve. Fucking figures that the shadow all but stripped him bare but left the part behind that still wants to share kisses with pretty boys.
Billy tries his best not to think about it too much.
Finally, at his destination, Billy knocks twice before blowing hot air into his stiff fingers. Steve always insists that Billy should just walk in without knocking but he argues that Steve should be locking his fucking doors in this hellhole of a town.
“Yes?” Billy startles at the decisively feminine voice that greets him, blinking in shock at the woman who must be the famed Mrs Harrington. “Oh, are you a friend of Steven?”
Steven. Billy grimaces at the formality and the less than subtle up and down Mrs Harrington gives him, judging by the look on her face he’s been found lacking.
“Yes Ma’am, ‘m Billy,” Billy croaks, his voice cracking embarrassingly over all of four words.
“I see,” Mrs Harrington gives him a strange look that Billy can’t read. “I’m afraid Steven is rather busy with family today and I’m sure your family are also missing you. Why don’t you head on home now Billy. I’ll let him know you called.”
Billy manages a tight smile and makes his way back down the driveway and it stings something fierce to be walking away – or sent away - from the only place he’s felt safe since July. He stops for a second at the end of the street and prays on his St Christopher just like he did when he was a little kid who just wanted his mom to come home.
Maybe if he does it right this time then Steve will run after him and say it was all a misunderstanding.
When ten minutes pass and Billy starts to shiver again from standing in one place for too long, he comes to the same conclusion that he did when he was eight. Nobody has ever been listening to Billy’s prayers.
He figures he can waste a few hours at the diner but after trudging all the way across town, it’s dark inside, clearly closed up for the night which is weird. He checks his watch again and as he’d thought, it’s barely eight pm, Billy’s pretty sure the place is open until midnight but maybe things have changed.
Billy considers his limited options, he hasn't talked to anyone from school since the Summer and he only really spends time with Max and Steve who are both out. There's Robin, but they only hang out when Steve is there, he highly doubts Robin wants him in her house.
Billy eyes the nearby phonebooth and wonders if Mrs Byers would let him crash on her sofa, she was always kind to him when he was in the hospital despite going through her own grief. She brought him ice cream and pressed a slip of paper into his hand when he was being discharged with a ‘just in case honey’ and it’s still in his wallet. It will be awkward but it’s not like he has much pride left at this point and at least Jane will be there, they've formed a strange little bond after everything and Billy makes an effort with the kid if she comes around with Max.
“Hello?”
“Hi Mrs Byers, It’s Billy. Um, Hargrove. Billy Hargrove.”
“Oh Billy! Hi honey,” Mrs Byers says warmly and inexplicably Billy’s eyes start to water just from hearing her voice. “Please Billy, call me Joyce, is everything okay?”
Billy clears his throat. “Yeah, it’s just um…”
“Sorry Billy, can you hold on just a second sweetie. JONATHON, turn down that music for goodness sake, I can barely hear myself think. Will! Can you clear the table please and go fetch Jane for me, she shouldn’t be holed up on her own upstairs, not on a day like today and can you knock on your brother while you’re at it honey?”
Billy grips the phone so tightly that the plastic is digging red marks into his skin. What the hell was he thinking? Joyce has her own family, and they’re obviously busy judging by the clattering and laughing he can hear in the background. Billy hangs up, he can’t burden her like this; he was being fucking selfish calling in the first place. Joyce is just a nice person, and he refuses to take advantage of her kindness.
Out of options now, Billy closes his eyes and slides down against the glass until his ass hits cold concrete. He draws his knees to his chest and tries to make himself small, the shivers wracking his body are not only from the biting cold but also the thoughts of the last time he called for help from a booth just like this one.
Billy’s not sure how long he sits there, eyes tightly shut and trying not to listen to the sounds coming from the forest behind him. He tries to tell himself it’s safe here, there’s a light at least and the door closes but at the same time he tries hard not to think about how the glass door wouldn’t stop the shadow if it came back for him.
Attempting to check his watch alerts Billy to the fact that his arms are starting to feel kinda numb which is probably a bad sign. He knows he should move but that feels like a lot of energy that Billy just doesn’t have right now. Billy’s weighing the pros and cons of freezing to death in a phonebooth over freezing to death elsewhere when a car goes flying past then skids to a stop several feet away from where he sits.
“BILLY!” Steve shouts as he runs up to the booth and wrenches the door open.
“S-Steve?” Billy replies, his teeth chattering uncontrollably now.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry bab – uh Billy,” Steve says, he winces but moves on. “My mom didn’t tell me you came by until just now, I – fuck. Your dad’s a fucking asshole!”
Was Steve about to call him baby? Shit, maybe he did die earlier. “H-how did you find me?”
“It doesn’t matter. Jesus fuck, you’re freezing,” Steve says as he pulls him off the ground and attempts to rub some heat back into Billy’s arms. “Fucking hell Billy, come on get in.”
Billy blinks. “What?”
“You need body heat,” Steve answers, reaching into his car to crank the heat and then climbing into the backseat, holding his arms open wide in wait for Billy to slide into them. “Take off your coat and get in here.”
And like, embarrassingly, they have cuddled before, but it’s been less of an active decision and more about seeking the heat of another body in the dead of night. And sometimes Steve will snake an arm around his shoulders and pull him in close while they watch a movie which always sends a giddy feeling straight to Billy’s chest but. This feels...closer and intimate and like, yeah Steve’s only doing it to help but that doesn’t stop Billy’s pathetic heart from racing.
Billy has no choice but to follow Steve’s hands that are now waving in impatience, he shucks his coat and hesitantly crawls over Steve’s body. Billy’s face feels too fucking hot now as he hovers above Steve, holding himself up on his arms so their bodies aren’t actually touching.
Steve scoffs. “You’re going to need to be a bit closer than that Frosty.”
When Billy doesn’t respond, Steve lets out a sigh and pulls until Billy’s left with no choice and gingerly curls up against his chest, his cold nose tucked into Steve’s neck. Steve shifts to tangle their legs together until their bodies touch from head to toe and tucks them into a knitted blanket he pulls out of nowhere.
“I can’t believe that he’d kick you out today of all fucking days.” Steve mutters hotly, frowning at the quizzical look Billy sends him, Steve adds. “It’s Christmas Billy.”
Oh. Billy had no idea. He’d known it was December, kind of, with all the snow and shit and he can vaguely recall decorations being up the last time he was at Steve’s, but he hadn’t really thought about it. Too much of his energy had been spent on trying not to pop a boner when halfway through the movie Steve’s arm had dropped from Billy’s shoulders to curl almost possessively around his waist.
The times that Billy isn’t with Steve are normally spent sleeping and with no school to go to he’s embarrassingly started to count the passing of days as Steve days and not Steve days. So, Christmas hadn’t even been on his radar.
“We need to get you out of that fucking house.” Steve murmurs, tangling his long fingers through Billy’s frozen curls.
Billy hums noncommittally.
It’s not like he hasn’t thought about it before. Leaving. He could probably get an apartment or a fucking trailer even, but something about the idea doesn’t sit right with him.
Leaving Max in that house feels a little too close to being left behind and Billy knows that feeling. He’s lived with it every day since his mom left. He knows it’s not rational, Billy isn’t Max’s mom, she has her own mother who despite being fucking useless at the best of times, does love her kid.
“Soo… I got you a gift. A Christmas one.” Steve clarifies. “It’s uh, at my house so we just have to wait for my parents to fall asleep and we can go back. They’re leaving again in the morning anyway. Assholes.”
“Shit, I’m an dick,” Billy mumbles against the curve of Steve’s neck, is pretty sure he imagines the shiver that runs through Steve at the action. “I didn’t fucking get you anything.”
“That’s alright.” Steve says, he’s quiet for a moment then swallows hard enough that Billy hears the click of his throat in the quiet car. “Although, there is something I’ve been kinda wanting for a while now.”
Billy shifts his position to face him; wants to show Steve that he’s paying attention. He might be a shitty friend, but he can do better. “Anything you want man; you’ve put up with my shit for months now. ‘s the least I can do.”
“Anything huh?” Steve asks, gaze oddly serious and his eyes search Billy’s expression when he nods. “So, if I asked if I could kiss you right now, would you let me?”
And what? Now Billy’s pretty sure he did freeze to death earlier because in what world is Steve Harrington asking to kiss him. The mere idea of it is enough to send his mind spinning and Billy wants so bad it hurts but also –
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Billy blurts out, then winces at the implications of his words a second later when Steve’s face falls. Billy is quick to clarify, “not because of the queer shit! That's um, me too I guess. I meant why the hell would you want to kiss me? I’m a fucking mess Steve.”
"Jesus, you scared the shit out of me for a second there. I want to kiss you because I fucking like you Billy, you're not a mess."
Billy shifts until he can squirm out of Steve's arms and says incredulously, “I killed people Steve, and yeah before you fucking say it, I know it wasn’t me, Christ knows I hear enough of that from Owens but even without that I’m an asshole. I sure was myself when I kicked the shit out of you that time, I mean sure, I had my reasons, but I’ve never even apologised.”
Billy can feel himself getting worked up but he needs to get this through Steve’s head; he’d be so fucking selfish to let this happen without warning Steve. Billy can accept on some level that Steve might be attracted to him, he’s still a pretty face and all but Billy’s not a good person and Steve deserves so much better.
Steve opens his mouth to interject, but Billy barrels over him. “And alright if you’re apparently fine with all that, then how about the fact that I can’t fucking sleep without waking up screaming from nightmares. If I'm not with you, I don't leave the house because people gawk and think I'm some kind of 'hero' when really I'm a fucking monster and the thought of talking to those people makes me want to claw my own face off. My chest is fucking mangled and my brain makes me feel like I'm going crazy on a daily basis. My dad hates me and my own mom couldn't even stick around, I'm fucked up Steve, there's just something wrong with me. You deserve someone good like you, not this."
"You're not a monster Billy and there's nothing wrong with you," Steve says quietly. "You're just a scared kid whose been dealt a really shitty hand in life. I knew all of that stuff before and I still like you and I know you like me too. I promise baby, I can make you happy if you'll just let me."
"Steve," Billy starts but falls silent when Steve pulls him back in, his hand finding Billy's cheek and wiping away a tear he hadn't known was falling.
They're closer again now, Steve's face mere inches from his own. Billy can feel the puff of Steve's breath warm against his lips, the thudding of Steve's wild heartbeat matching his perfectly. Their lips brush when Steve whispers his name, and Billy can't fight himself any longer.
Steve hums a sweet sound when their lips finally meet, they kiss and it's achingly soft and nothing like how Billy had imagined it would be when they were in school together. Billy had imagined fire and heat and bruising kisses, their anger burning out into passion but this is so much better. Steve's mouth moving slowly against his, his hands cupping Billy's face like he's fragile or something special to hold, it's somehow breathtakingly new but also familiar, like their bodies knew the way to each other without the need of directions.
They pull away, only out of the need to breath, but they stay close, their foreheads pressed together as they catch their breath. Billy's cheeks feel warm and he can't begin to stifle the soft smile that spreads across his face which mirrors Steve's own dazzling beam shining back at him.
"Damn! That was one hell of a present," Steve says, laughing when Billy tucks his burning face back into Steve's neck. "People aren't going to believe that I got a hot new boyfriend for Christmas."
Billy huffs and wrinkles his nose but he can't deny the way the word makes his heart clench and brings another sappy little smile to his face. Boyfriends.
This doesn't fix everything, he knows this. Billy will still have nightmares, he'll still be an asshole and he'll probably always be scared of the shadow and the ghosts that haunt his mind, Neil will always be Neil and maybe everything is still a bit shit. But right now, Steve is pressing kisses into his curls and he's safe and warm in the arms of someone who chose him, who wants to kiss Billy and plans to stick around. So.
It seems like maybe things are finally starting to look up for Billy.