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I am back where it all began, how long was it now?
I guess that is not important, but it was long enough for you to be the first person who really knew me.
Before the fame, before the fact that I did like to cross dress for fun and how you helped me step beyond the veil that kept me hiding, becoming more myself then I ever have been.
I can still see your pale hand reach out and touch mine when I first publicly wore a skirt. It was amazing; I felt like that I could take on everything, as long as you were there.
I remember it all as vividly as I sit on this bench, where I first admitted I wanted you to be my first. My first kiss, my first love, my first intimate moment, the way you accepted it all.
I remember your smile, the way your brown eyes lit up at the thought and how I was pulled into your warm embrace, whispering how much you have been wanting to do that to and with me, out of all people. You meant so much to me. These truths, these thoughts, I wish I said them to you…
I look up as the first snow of winter fell and landed on the flower in my hand, the one you love so much. Sadness sat heavily in my chest, weighing me down into a dark empty pit, wishing that if only I was there…
I sigh deeply, leaning my head back with my face to the sky, I close my eyes. Feeling the snow tickle my face as a memory came to mind. You were there…
-
Kura sat in bed, white against white, her black hair looking like spilt ink across the pillow. Her face pale as she breathed lightly. She smiles and raises a hand weakly to me; I rush over and held it.
“Honey, why are you here? I thought the final concert for you is tonight” Her words just above a whisper. I kissed her knuckles and looked at her with wide eyes.
“I wanted to see you before I performed” I say as she chuckles, she reaches over with her free hand and gently ran her fingers through my hair.
“I am so glad but please, go and perform with all you have” she says as I nod and kiss her gently. Her lips were soft but cold, slightly chapped from being ill. I felt her smile and pull away, her cheeks were a slight red, but her smile warmed my heart. “Go, my love, I will be here for you. Hush don’t cry” She adds as she dries my tears.
“I know” I whisper as I pull her close and nuzzled into her neck and hair. “I just want to get the confidence from the one I love” I hear a small laugh come from her and smile, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this is not going to last.
“Oh, shucks, you will be amazing and when you are finished, I will be here” she says as I let go and look at her. The nurse taps her foot at me as I quickly give Kura a deep and strong kiss. I pull away and stare at her. “Go and I love you” she says as she gently pushes me to go with a smile on her face, I give her another quick kiss and moved to the door.
“I love you too, my princess” I say as I bid her farewell and left for the final concert with Eternal Boutique.
~After the Concert~
I slowly made my way to the hospital with the band. We walk in and make our way to Kura’s room and stopped. Her parents stood outside crying, while a doctor apologised. I crept closer; her mother looked at me and sobbed harder. Her father placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze.
My heart fell as I pushed everyone out of the way and into the room. Kura was no longer there; her body was but not her. I fell to my knees. Everything was gone. I will no longer see her smile, hear her laugh, feel the warmth of her body or even the beating of her heart. My world has crumbled.
I cried for days even after her funeral.
-
With a jolt, I straighten up, feeling the melted snow mixed with tears slid down my face. I look at the empty spot next to me, wishing I would see you there.
It was empty.
This place where we first met, where we first kissed…
Where so much has happened and you’re no longer here. I felt fresh tears roll down my face and on to my hands. The cold finally reaching my senses, biting and uncaring. Here, I remain, unmoving. I brought my hand to my face, as if giving a prayed over the flower.
Can you see me, Kura? I am wearing the first skirt you bought me, the shirt you always wore after our love making sessions, your favourite pair of boots and you can’t see me. I thought, sobbing harder, feeling like I couldn’t move on without you.
This is the first winter without you, but I am not sad because you are gone.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss you terribly since you are no longer here with me.
I am sad for the fact I never thanked you for being in my life.
For everything you’ve done for me, hoping that I gave you just as much in return. I hope that you were smiling even as you left the mortal coil, maybe even imaging that you were watching me perform with all my heart that night. Giving my all, like you always did.
I slowly brought my hands down, forcing myself back onto my feet. I turn and look at our bench, I imagine you there, smiling at me, calling me a silly bunny. I chuckle as I wipe my eyes free of the tears that clung stubbornly to my lashes. I guess I better get going, to live for both of us. I’ll come back again and tell you the stories and adventures but for now…
“Thank you” I whisper as I placed the flower on the bench, gave a small bow and a smile slowly coming to my lips, I said a tiny farewell in my mind.
I turn to go home, fresh snow crunching underfoot, you on my mind, while my heart still whispering your name.