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"Oh sorry, I didn't know there already was someone here. I just came to check since it was so quiet" Al-hashimi said having walked into pedes. Abbot was sitting across from her on a chair holding the baby that was left there earlier that day. Calmly sleeping in his arms against his chest, so young, small and fragile, too young to understand the gravity of the situation.
"No worries, I was planning on going home to take a nap, but I don't think I can really sleep right now and when I looked around I saw this baby here alone. She was being a bit fussy so I picked her up, figured that I might as well just make myself useful." Abbot said back, with a raspy, but quiet, voice to not wake the baby.
"She was left here earlier, all the taste came back well, she's a healthy baby. Now we're trying to find the person that left her here."
"I can't imagine abandoning my own baby somewhere, I just hope it was done out of love and hope for a better future."
"You got kids?" Al-hashimi asked while getting another chair to sit next to him, the chaos had died down a bit and she could definitely afford to stay here for a bit. She really wanted to put herself out there, but Robby has been on her back the entire day so she doesn't mind a few minutes of peace and quiet.
"Nah, I'm alone at home. And it's not like I would be a great father either." Although he managed to remain calm, there was still a small change in the way he spoke, carrying a deepness with the sentence.
"She seems to like you though, I haven't seen her this peaceful all day."
"Yeah she's been great, I just think I'd need guidance though. My wife used to calm me when things got too much in my brain even before I left, and after with the PTSD things just got worse, moments were I felt like I was there again my leg hurting like it has never done before, but still not hurting as much as seeing the chaos unfold all around you, people breathing their last breath. I just think I'd be too much for a child, they need stability and a parent they can always rely on."
"I get the feeling, I have never been the same since I came back, it messed with my brain in ways I didn't know where possible, even as a physician. Can I ask what happened with you and your wife?"
"Not much, she died due to a brain tumor, quite ironic with her having been an oncologist and all." Abbot quickly noticed the sorry in her eyes. "Don't worry it's fine, I still miss her everyday of course, but I've made peace with it; well, as much as a person is able to."
You could see in his eyes that his brain was drifting away to the memories of his late wife. The memories being often pushed away by Abbot's workaholic, avoidant behaviour, always keeping his brain occupied to not think of the grief. To be honest he has never made peace with it, he just made his life so busy, he'd never have to deal with the grief. He does go to therapy, but tends to avoid talking about his wife.
"Funny story, since we're on the subject, right before her cancer diagnosis she told me she wanted to have kids, I told her I'd need to think about it, soon after the idea was crushed and we forgot about it."
Al-hashimi sat there for a minute letting it all process in her brain. After everything she has experienced she can form an understanding of what Abbot must be going through. It was also clear to her he didn't feel like talking about sob stories any longer. She knows the feeling all too well, She's pretty open to help for her mental health, but still has things she doesn't like to speak about and days she'd rather avoid thinking about any of it, even if it would be in the chair in front of her therapist.
"What about you? Any kids or a partner?" Abbot asked suddenly.
"No kids, I am too occupied with work and I had a girlfriend, but things didn't work out so we broke up a few months ago."
"Difficult break up?"
"No hard feelings, just a lack of time which forced the romance to die, but besides that nothing I can't handle." Since she wasn't the most keen on talking about her love life she decided it was best to change the subject. "Is the life threatening side hustle and adrenaline inducing chaotic job helping you avoid the thoughts?"
"It's that obvious?" the bluntness of the question throwing him off a bit causing him to form a slight grin.
"Definitely." she answered now also grinning.
"At least the day shift residents still seem to think I'm a bad ass middle-aged man. Although, not gonna lie, and please don't tell Robby he'd lecture me all about safety, but that bullet makes me question whether it was worth it. Crazy how much damage those things can do even when you're protected by multiple layers of clothes and a bullet proof vest, not to mention the headache I'm having due to the dehydration."
"That's what you get for trying to be stubborn."
"I guess you're right."
As if right on que the baby started waking up, and of course like babies do also crying.
"Well that's a way to be snapped back into the real world again, at least it's better than an incoming trauma." Abbot joked.
"You could say that. I guess she just needs something to eat, her last feeding has been some time ago now anyway."
While Abbot was trying to calm the baby by whispering to her and rocking her slightly, Al-hashimi was preparing the formula. When she was done Abbot handed her over to Al-hashimi.
"I think it's best if you do it, I'm not very experienced with babies and med school was a long time ago."
She looked a bit perplexed by his proposal, but agreed that with her experience she was to better candidate for this job. Having her in her arms and feeling that familiar weight and warmth in her arms again, bringing back memories from her past. She didn't miss the horrifying experiences , especially related to small infants, so being able to take care of a baby in a controlled and safe environment like this was definitely a lot better than during the MSF.
They sat in silence for a bit until Abbot broke it. "How's Robby treating you btw?"
"Well he's treating me like a resident, doesn't wanna listen to any of my ideas and he seems to have a dislike towards me since I came here."
This made Abbot laugh a little, he could really recognize the behaviour. "That does indeed sound like him. I don't agree with his actions and he is even more avoidant of his problems than I am, but if it helps, you shouldn't take it all too personal. He doesn't like when others try to take over his ship and he has been off today. I won't bother you with all that is wrong with him, but what I am trying to say is that when this shift is over he'll be out of your hair."
Before Al-hashimi could answer baby Jane Doe was done with her bottle so she put the bottle away and offered her back to Abbot, who took her back in his arms.
"I think I should leave now and get back to work, but thanks for the talk and I really do appreciate what you said. I've been here for over half a shift now and it feels like everyone treats me like threat and the only people I can somewhat have a conversation with are Mohan and Mel if she wasn't so distracted today. It's nice to have another attending on my side, I truly do have the best intentions to better the er."
"No problem, I get it, everyone is familiar with Robby, so they tend to stick to his side. Hope the rest of the shift treats you better."
"I hope so too, success with the baby as well."
With that Al-hashimi left the pedes room to go back into the chaos, she definitely spend more time in there than she intended, but the er isn't blowing up so she seems to be fine.