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It was too loud. But too quiet. Too much but not enough. Sebastian sat in the Warbler’s commons surrounded by the other warblers, but not interacting with any of them. Not that they would even want to apart from maybe Nick or Jeff. But they weren’t here right now. Ever since the slushie incident, none of the warblers could look him in the eye, especially once it was announced that his captainship was being revoked after regionals.
Sebastian glanced over at his bag where a folder sat innocently inside. A folder of photoshopped images of one of the McKinnley kids. He had gone earlier to the Lima Bean and shown them to the boy’s fiancé and Kurt. The bane of Sebastian’s existence. The reason all of this happened in the first place.
No. That’s not true, now, is it? Because Sebastian is the real reason that all of this happened. It’s his fault. Everything is his fault. He grips his sleeved arm hard, and the sting and ache that comes from it feels relieving, even if it’s most likely reopening the thin lines that are more recent than he would like to admit. Especially when last time he went a bit too far… and well… there’s a reason he moved away from Paris.
Someone in the rooms phone goes off, and they check it. Sebastian doesn’t look up from his Chemistry homework that he’d been staring down, not actually doing, until a loud gasp is heard. Then the Warbler, who turned out to be Thad, had everyone’s attention.
“You know that one guy that bullied Kurt? And sent him the death threats and all that? Turns out he’s been being bullied recently and he tried to kill himself last night.” Thad announced, realising that his gasp had gotten everyone’s attention.
“Wait, what was his name?”
“Dave Karofsky?”
Sebastian froze when thad turned his phone around and showed a picture of the boy. No. It couldn’t be. That was….
“You know what, just stay in the closet, buddy.”
Sebastian grips his arm harder, definitely drawing blood now if he wasn’t before. He stood up suddenly and grabbed his stuff, rushing out of the room, and ignoring the confused looks of the other Warblers. They had never seen Sebastian look so… desperate.
Sebastian made it to his room, before breaking down completely. He glanced over at his desk, knowing exactly how many pills are in the bottle. He was stupid. Why did he think that it would be different? Why did he think that he could get away with not taking them? He hadn’t taken a single antidepressant since the slushie incident, because he wanted to feel. He wanted to feel the guilt that any normal person would feel. And look where that got him.
He stripped off his blazer and his shirt, which thankfully wasn’t bloodstained, and looked at his bandaged arms, that definitely were bloodstained. He carefully undid the bandages and let them unravel on the floor. Thin angry red lines covered his arms from shoulder to wrist. All varying in length and age. His right forearm was smeared with blood and as much as he hated it, he felt a sense of pleasure looking at it.
He shook his head and walked over to the desk. He picked up the pill bottle and heard them rattle around inside. 10. 10 pills in this one bottle. Ha opens the desk draw, to reveal another pill bottle, but this one full. Just because he stopped taking them, doesn’t mean that everybody had to know that he stopped. It would raise questions if he didn’t get his prescription filled. 30. 30 pills in the full bottle. 40 pills all together. Surely that would be enough, right?
Sebastian looks down at his arm again. Maybe with them together, he could be free. Plus, regionals aren’t for another week and a half, so the Warblers can find a new soloist if it works, and if it doesn’t… then he would be fine by then. But it would. He would make sure that it works.
He thought about leaving a note, but he didn’t want to. He was just too tired. He moves to his attached bathroom and grabs the blade he’s been using before doing one long ling along his left arm, from just bellow his wrist to just before his elbow. It was the same line at the last time. The time that nearly worked, but the stupid housemaid had to find him. He slices a few more times and nods, already getting slightly dizzy.
A knock on his door startles him. No. Nonono. No. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to be found until tomorrow when he didn’t show up for Warbler practice.
“Hey, Sebastian, we heard that you rushed out of the commons earlier. We’re just a bit concerned about you. We don’t know if you knew Dave, but we know that it can be hard to hear anyway. Especially since he was being bullied for being gay…” Nick’s voice rang through the door, and Sebastian nearly lost it. He has no idea how much this is hurting him.
“Just, let us know that you’re okay, and we’ll leave, but… we’re just worried about you. You’ve been a bit distant lately, and we know that it’s potentially from guilt, or just because everyone’s avoiding you, but… we’re here if you need to talk.” Jeff’s voice followed Nick’s.
Sebastian let out a choked sob. And then a wail. He walked out from his bathroom and back over to his desk, getting really dizzy and knocking over the bottles of pills, the open one spilling it’s contents onto the carpet and mixing with the blood dripping from Sebastian’s arm. He follows soon after, and the noises alert both Nick and Jeff outside as they start banging on the door, begging him to let them in.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why is he feeling like this? He wanted to die just minutes ago, and now, he wants to live? He wants to be better? Of course. Because he’s a selfish dick. He lets out a scream, and the two boys outside finally break the door down. Jeff freezes by the broken door, looking at the mess, while Nick rushes forward grabbing Sebastian’s earlier discarded shirt to help stem the bleeding.
“Sebastian, talk to me.” Nick glances at the bottle of pills. “How many did you take?”
Sebastian just shakes his head. Jeff finally jolts out of his trance and pulls out his phone to call an ambulance.
“Sebastian! I need you to talk to me. How many pills did you take?” Nick’s voice is getting more and more frantic as the blood shows no sign of slowing down.
“None. I… I didn’t take any.” Sebastian’s voice is weak. Weaker than either of the other Warblers had ever heard. They share a concerned look. “I…. I don’t wanna-” Nick cuts him off with a shush.
“We’re not going to let you die. You’re going to be okay, and you’re going to be performing at regionals.” Nick’s voice wavers slightly as he speaks. And Jeff finally moves forward.
“The ambulance is on it’s way, I’m going to have to go down to reception to guide them in, though, will you be okay up here, or do we have to try and take you down?”
“I don’t think that we’ll be able to move him. I’ll be fine up here, could you just grab some towels or something before you go?” Nick asks, glancing down at the soaked shirt that would probably never be able to be used again.
Jeff gives a sharp nod and moves to the bathroom, ignoring the mess in there as well and grabbing all the towels he can and taking them to Nick and Sebastian, before leaving to go to the reception.
Sebastian was slowly losing consciousness, tears running down his face, and letting out small sobs. Nick was just helpless beside him, now pressing a towel to his arm, and whispering small meaningless comforts and every so often a small “shh” when Sebastian’s sobbing got too much for his breathing.
Nick let out a small smile when the sound of sirens met his ears, knowing that they were here for Sebastian.
“Hey, buddy, it’s okay, they’re here now. They’re gonna help you.” Nick looked down at Sebastian, but frowned when there was no response. How long ago did he stop crying? How long since he stopped breathing? “No! Sebastian! Stay with me! They’re here.”
Nick moved his arms to begin CPR on his friend who was no longer breathing. The methodical footsteps that he could hear approaching the room didn’t provide any comfort, because his friend is dead.
The emergency responders quickly came into the room, and gently moved Nick out of the way, taking over the compressions, and attaching him to machines. Things moved in a blur, as they used a defibrillator to bring his heart back. Once they were happy with the rhythmic beating, no matter how slow, they put Sebastian on a stretcher and moved him out of the room. Jeff placed a hand on Nick’s shoulder, jolting him out of his trance.
“Come on, lets get cleaned up. Then we can go to the hospital and see how he is, yeah?” Nick gave a small nod at the words, staring down at the spot that Sebastian was just moments ago through his bloody hands.
Sebastian woke up in pain. Which wasn’t necessarily unusual, but it was definitely a lot worse than usual. He lets out a small groan as he attempts to open his eyes. A small gasp sounds from somewhere in the room and, why are there people in my dorm?
“Hey, Seb. You feeling any better?” That was Nick. Feeling better? What does he-. Everything came back to Sebastian. He let out a small whimper as tears begin to squeeze themselves out of his closed eyes.
“Hey, hey, shhh, it’s okay. We don’t blame you.” Jeff spoke up, making a guess about what had Sebastian crying so soon after waking up.
“I-I’m sorry….” Sebastian hiccuped out, his chest hurting from a mixture of the lack of oxygen he was receiving while crying, no matter that he was being fed it into his nose, and the fact that he probably had at least bruised ribs from the CPR earlier.
“Hey, we know that you’re sorry. We just want to help you.” Nick reaches out and puts a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, carefully avoiding any areas that may be sensitive.
“I… I don’t want to be this way anymore. I… I want to be better.” Sebastian finally opened his eyes and is staring straight up at the ceiling.
“And we’re going to help you do that. One step at a time. Look, we’re going to get you all fixed up, and then maybe we can fix the stuff with the McKinnley students, yeah?”
“Y-yeah…. That… that sounds like a good idea…”