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The concept of his ideal family life varied throughout the years. Right before enlisting, it was in a luxurious townhouse with decorated balconies befitting a Military Police commander in Wall Sina. All the delicious food, wine, and comforts will be effortlessly handed to him once he rises through the ranks. His imaginary lovely wife will welcome him home with a sweet kiss after a tiring day, and their three kids will come racing to him to the door, competing on who should be lifted and hugged first.
At fifteen, that dream seemed to diminish when he joined the scouts. The thought of making it out alive for another day hung heavy on his mind that thinking about having children in this titan-infested world felt foolish. But sometimes, when the world is quiet and he is alone in his room resting, the idea floats back to his mind and somehow the imaginary wife now has a face.
But instead of a tranquil home, he will be blessed with an extraordinary partner, a co-commander in the ranks whose strength is far greater than his, and he will worship her every day. Maybe one kid will be enough and he hopes that titans will only remain in the history books by the time they are born.
He kicked himself the first time for having such an intrusive thought. He has long resigned the idea of Mikasa ever looking his way, so he’s surprised that such feeling unearthed itself from the pits of his desires. Her love, attention, and devotion only belonged to one suicidal bastard that the scenario felt ridiculous no matter how he looked at it.
But still he dreams quietly, no longer speaking of his feelings for her to anyone. Perhaps in another life.
As the days of his survival miraculously grow, so does his torturous longing. How he’s still alive in the face of adversity continues to baffle him, but nonetheless he pushes forward with a tiny bit of hope for his future. Maybe he can have a family after all. He’s a section captain of the scouts now in his own right, he’s sure he can at least have a decent house in the better districts.
He tries to think of another imaginary face for his ideal wife, perhaps with similar dark hair or similar dark eyes. Maybe with the same soft but rare smile that she would only show to him. A battle scar, too, right on her cheekbone.
He’s not sure how long he has been staring at her face, but Mikasa’s monotonous voice brings him back to reality.
“Jean, you alright?”
She tilts her head in concern and stares right back at him. Her hair is much shorter now, and her features are lightly illuminated by the moonlight and a slowly fading lamp in the distance. He thinks that’s probably where he’s getting all the romantic ideas from that deep in the night. Both of them are on guard duty and he had to bribe Connie and Sasha with his share of food to keep them from openly teasing him.
“Yeah. Sorry. Just deep in thought.” He tells her half-truthfully.
The night breeze passes between them and she slightly shivers. She drags her old scarf to cover half her face, but the wind is persistent. It looks so worn out now that it has seen countless battles, but Mikasa still holds on to it especially now that Eren’s whereabouts remain unknown.
He sees a defeated look in her eyes as she sighs into the red fabric and there’s an unwelcomed pang in his heart.
He takes off his personal coat underneath the layers of uniform and hands it to her as nonchalantly as he could, when in fact all he wanted to do was to wrap it around her shoulders himself.
Mikasa contemplates for a moment, thinking Jean will be cold himself with one layer down, but the breeze continues to penetrate through her clothes and onto her skin.
“Thanks,” she graciously says and Jean swears there’s that tiny rare smile before she slips into his coat.
His heart undoubtedly skips a beat when he sees how big (and cute) it looks on her. But she sighs comfortably from its warmth and he thinks he hears her mutter to herself that she needs to buy one of those.
He makes a mental note of maybe gifting her one in her size in the future.
The future.
Was there even one for them?
-
Sleep evades him as the ground continues to shake. He envies the other soldiers whose snores bounce off the walls of their quarters, probably dreaming of a more peaceful life than their reality.
How far is that dream now?
A house in the best part of central. All the finest liquor on the island. A happy wife and kid waiting for him to come home.
That’s all possible if he stays with the Yaegerists, right? All he needed to do was to fight for his homeland that has been trampled on for a hundred years; that seems reasonable enough on paper. He will be regarded as a Paradis hero who liberated his island in exchange for the rest of humanity.
He heaves and covers his ears out of habit to drown out the depressing thoughts. Desperation surges through him and he clings to any idea that will calm him down even for a moment, and his mind for some reason thinks of Mikasa.
A symbol of strength, resilience, and loyalty born out of trauma that she should never have endured. Sometimes, he sees glimpses of her probably old self in the way she enjoys picking flowers in her spare time; or when she knits them new gloves in preparation for cold winters; or when she quietly takes notes of the squads’ comfort food to cook whenever they were feeling unwell. He sees that there’s still this girl in her that just wants to do mundane things instead of being a human weapon that’s always on her toes. In his perfect world, she no longer needs to fight.
In his perfect world, she marries him.
She would wake up to her favorite meals that he and their children prepared. They would take lovely strolls on the beach and come home a bit tanned. They would kiss each other good night and sleep soundly in each other’s arms.
But what stands in the way are a lot of things that he doesn’t have a lot of control over. In her perfect world, she marries Eren. And if that's what makes her happy, then so be it. He'll gladly stash that wishful dream in the corners of his mind and no one will know the depths of his affection.
A few knocks on his window startle him from his daydream. He plants his hands firmer on his ears to feign ignorance, but he recognizes Hange’s voice from outside, well and alive.
The image of Mikasa cooing their fictitious child in her arms slowly fades away in the distance and he shakes his head.
-
It’s her that he first sees in the midst of the rubble.
Her expectant eyes meet him and he curses himself for indulging his dreams earlier. The longing for her only doubles down as they face their fate, not knowing whether they will live or die in the coming days. A tiny part of him still wants to confess, but the rational part of him decided against having a more regrettable decision.
He tries to listen to Hange as she discusses their plans in joining forces with Marley, but his eyes catch the slight tremble on Mikasa’s hand a few inches from his. He looks over to her and she’s intently trying to listen to their commander, too, but her face occasionally contorts as if tormented by her own thoughts.
His fingers twitch in place, hesitating on whether he should reach out and hold her hand to calm her down, but he convinces himself that it’s not his place to do so. Never was. Never would be. He instead opts to nudge her shoulder and she looks up to him with a terrified look.
“You okay?” He mouths to her silently, as Hange is busy drawing a map.
Mikasa looks to the ground unable to answer him, as the reality of the rumbling dawns on her. Hange inevitably speaks of the option of killing Eren when push comes to shove and Mikasa visibly shows her hesitation.
How cruel, he thinks of her fate and he hates it for her.
She tries to hide her anxiety from Hange, but Jean has lived with her long enough to see the slightest tension in her mannerisms. The tapping of her foot, the rubbing of her forearms, the slow deep breaths—everything is present.
And regardless of his feelings, Mikasa is still his friend above anything else. He gently pats her back to her surprise, but she welcomes the support. She relaxes eventually, and to Jean, that’s already enough.
Maybe in another life, there will be no titans. Maybe he will meet Mikasa first before Eren. Perhaps in a school or in a boring office. And he will have more courage, more opportunities to tell her how he feels.
But for this life, he needs to accept his dream will only remain a dream; and if destiny permits him to live after all of this is over, maybe someday he’ll move on.