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**Adahlen, 17 years old**
I received my vallaslin in the spring I turned seventeen. I chose Dirthamen, God of secrets and knowledge. Everyone thinks I got it because of the knowledge part, and sure, preserving elven lore certainly is one of the main responsibilities I'll have once I am Keeper, but I've wanted it since way before becoming the clan's First. Dirthamen is also the God who taught us elves loyalty and faith in family. And for a Dalish, family goes way beyond biological ties. It extends to those who are closest to you, always at your side… some for as long as you can remember. Being loyal to them is everything to me. A sort of devotion, even, when the person is the right one.
It's been three days since the ritual and my skin is not fully healed yet, but that doesn't stop me from walking with my head held high, fully proud to show my new face around. Once my routine duties are done for the day, I meet up with Annie to study together, as we do every afternoon. We could probably just wait for each other at our usual spot, but I always prefer to go pick her up after her dance practice.
One might argue that I only go there for those last few blessed minutes of watching her move to the music. Well, they wouldn't be completely wrong. She is not like any other dancer you'd normally see. She's not our most skilled, she forgets steps, wears her costumes a little bit off. But when she's there, all radiant and flowing, and smiles at you… there is nothing else you'll be able to see.
Leading her rehearsals today is a brand-new dance master, a man we've recently welcomed into the clan along with a group of other artists and crafters. I was with my grandfather, the Keeper, when they joined and, I swear, I've never gotten worse vibes from anyone. I know I shouldn't judge by appearances, but he's easily the most arrogant and hollow man I've ever met.
And now he teaches Annie.
As the music fades and the routine ends, Ayanne spots me and sends me a quick wave, then join her other companions to gather in a circle around their new master. Realizing they'll be at it for a while longer, I pull a book out of my bag and read until we're ready to leave.
***
"Oh Adahlen, Adahlen!" She twirls around, arms wide open, braid flying in the air, before taking my hands in hers, "I have the biggest crush!!"
"Who is it this time?" I sigh unimpressed, while I move a branch out of the way to make her pass. We have this kind of conversation every other month.
"You don't understand, this time it's real!" She puts both hands on her chest, "my heart is exploding!!"
She can't stop smiling, and despite myself, I smile back. She's so contagious. It's one of the many things I love about her. "You still haven't told me who we are talking about."
"Haranal!" — Wait, who? — "You've met him, right? The new dance master!!" She clarifies, jumping a little.
"Ah..." Ah. Great.
"He's so magnetic, and charming, and sophisticated, and hot, Creators Adahlen, it shouldn't be allowed to be that hot!" She covers her face with both her hands, giggling all the while. "I want him so much!!!"
Please, punch me in the gut a little bit more, thanks.
"You met him for the first time yesterday, Annie."
"Do you think he could want me, too?", says the most beautiful creature ever alive.
"Of course he wants you."
She smiles to herself, reassured although not entirely sold. "I hope you're right."
I hope I'm not.
We arrive at our spot, a small clearance by the edge of the Minanter River. It's quiet here, beautiful. There is a small waterfall further down, where the river merges into the lake. It makes the most relaxing sound. Some times a group of wild hallas emerge from the bushes on the other side of the water to drink. We like to count how many seconds they remain there before noticing us and flee away. Out record is 73.
I start unpacking the books and scrolls I've brought for us, but Ayanne tip toes into the river instead, finds a big smooth rock to climb on and sits there, legs hanging down in the water. I drop my things and join her. Guess our study session will have to wait.
"How's your face doing?", she asks, reaching out to touch the fresh lines of ink on my chin. I suddenly move away. Not to avoid her touch — Mythal forgive me, I crave it — but out of self preservation: my skin is literally on fire. "It still burns. Like little streams of throbbing lava along my face. And it's starting to itch, I could barely sleep last night. They said it's better not to touch it yet".
"Oh…" and her hand withdraws. She lowers her gaze, lost in thought, fixing her eyes on our feet immersed in the icy water of the river. A school of tiny fish swims around our ankles. She observes them for a while as they give little pecks to her toes. My eyes, instead, are only on her. As they always are.
"I've changed my mind about my vallaslin. I think I'm gonna get June."
I snort. "June?? What exactly do you craft, Annie? You've got your fingertips still full of pinpricks from the last time you tried to sew."
"I know, I know. But, listen. Don't laugh. I tried to paint it on my face the other night and it looked cute? I liked it, it felt… right."
"Annie." Oh Annie, Annie, Annie. "You, more than anyone else, should know you don't choose a vallaslin based on aesthetic."
"Well, easy for you to say! Dirthamen, great God of secrets and knowledge," she announces, moving her hands in the air. "I wonder why all Firsts don't just get that one, it's such an easy fit." She swings her legs a little, up and down. "Who do you think I should get?"
I shrug, "I'm still for Mythal." What else are you if not my goddess of love, Annie?
"I don't know, there's something off about her." She scoffs, scrunching her nose a little. "I even considered Falon'Din."
What?
"Annie, come on, that's a little too macab—"
"Inseparable from Dirthamen from birth to adulthood", she glances at me with the most sheepish smile. 'Two twin souls whose bond goes beyond even the strongest friendship', the legend says. I know it by heart, it's my favorite.
Oh, Annie…
"Come here, " I wrap an arm around her shoulder and pull her tight against me. "They also got separated when Falon'Din went somewhere Dirthamen couldn't follow." I don't like this part of the story. At all.
"True. But only for a while. They get back together in the end, and swore to never be apart ever again." She rests her head on my shoulder. Her hair tickles my cheek, the itching is unbearable, but I don't move.
Inseparable forever. I wish it could be true.
"The design is not that bad either. I'm so mad, it would have been perfect for us! But if I ever go out of my mind and really ask to put the God of Death forever on my face, please just kill me, okay?"
At that, we both burst out laughing.
I'm not going anywhere, for sure.
***
In the following months nothing notable happens, except Ayanne's crush does not quench away. If possible, it becomes more embarrassing.
Every time I go to pick her up after her rehearsals, I tell myself it's the last. She's started to wear more revealing clothes, well, if we want to still call them clothes… I know it's summer, but, Creators. His hands are always on her — Gods, I can't watch — way too low on her back, or along her legs, and sure, I know he's supposed to be there to teach her dance steps and correct her stance, but I swear he's doing anything but that. And she… she encourages him, gives him sultry looks, guides his hands ever lower… I'm feeling sick.
Ayanne's brother says it's masochistic of me to keep coming here. That she doesn't need me to watch over her. I disagree. She might not need it, but I do. What if something happens and I'm not there for her?
"Ayanne! Shall we go?"
As we walk along our usual trail across the forest, she's strangely silent. Head low, gaze empty, feet dragging on the ground. I can't stand to see her like that.
"So," I try my best to sound casual, "how's your love conquest going?"
Ayanne sighs, deeply. "Pretty badly, to be honest." She keeps walking and goes ahead of me. "He barely knows I exist."
What is she talking about? That's not the scene I've seen each day at her rehearsals.
"Are you sure? He looked more than interested to me." Not in the way I would hope for her, but… oh, well, if that's what makes her happy, who am I to judge.
"Nah, I'm just another giggling girl for him. Probably stupid, too. When I'm around him, I can never come up with a single clever thing to say. But you know what? I don't desist," she claims, turning back towards me, now with a big proud smile on her face, "I know we can be such a good match together, I just have to keep trying. And I can be veeery very stubborn, you know?"
Especially in the wrong things. Yes, I know.
I'm the last person who can argue about wanting someone who doesn't want you back, really. But come on, Annie, a good match? What do you even have in common with him?
"So… what do you two usually talk about?"
"We don't? Really haven't had the chance, outside of dance practices. But oh, I'd let him talk about whatever he wants! He has such fascinating opinions on literally everything and the sexiest voice… Aaaah," she spins in circle, kicking her feet, "why did I have to fall for him so hard??"
Exactly what I've been asking myself for months.
"It's so unfair, though," she continues, changing her tone all over again. "Everyone keeps saying I can have anyone I want, but now that I've found someone, I can't even spark a tiny bit of interest in him. What am I doing wrong?"
I really want to help you, Annie, but you can do so much better than this.
"Ayanne. He's 25."
"And?"
"And we're 17, he's old! You barely had any basic conversation with him, and instead of trying to build a connection, you spend all of your time fawning and… and… throwing yourself at him. What kind of interest do you think he might ever develop for you?"
She shrugs, unimpressed. "We can start like that, and then one thing leads to another. I wouldn't mind."
She wouldn't mind?!
I trip on a root and nearly lose my balance.
"Don't make that face," she scolds, but still reaches out to help me steady myself. "It's as clear as the sun that you don't approve."
I take her arm for support, but she slides her hand into mine instead, squeezing me gently. "And I care a lot about what you think." She keeps walking, leading us forward. Still hand in hand. We start to see the river peeking from the tree trunks and foliage.
I don't want to let her go.
"I just want someone who cares for you, Annie. Who treats you like you're their entire world."
"Those are fairytales, Adahlen," she dismisses me, voice annoyed as if she truly believes it.
She stops once we reach the water's edge. "Is it so bad to love someone only because I like them?"
Yes, Annie. It is.
"Wouldn't it be better to love someone because they understand and support you? Because they make you feel special? Someone with whom you can go on talking forever?" Her hand is still in mine. I hold her a little tighter.
But she rolls her eyes and playfully pushes me away before stepping into the river. "You're the only one who does that for me, Adahlen."
And, Gods, the exasperated laugh I tried to choke down. And failed.
She sinks her hands down into the water and then up, caressing her face and neck to cool off. For a few seconds, I watch every drop run along her skin. Hypnotized. Gods, I'm a pervert.
"Let's take a bath," she proposes, already halfway through unlacing her top, "it's way too hot today!!" A second later her skirts are off too, and as soon as she starts sliding down her bottoms, I turn around. It's not like I've never seen her — she does this every single time, and no, it's not normal — but... Creators, Annie. I'm not a saint, okay?
"Don't. Get. Naked. Annie," I hiss, "what if someone comes along?"
All of her clothes land right in front of me.
"So what?!" She shouts, and laughs. Her bright, beautiful laugh. "Come here with me, what if I drown?"
Impossible; the water is shallow here, that's why we chose this spot in the first place.
"What if you learned to swim with me when we were FIVE??"
"But I wanted to daaaance!"
"You've had twelve more years to learn!!" I turn back towards her, amused. She's unbelievable.
"Still preferred to daaance!!" she sings back, spinning and splashing water my way.
I pull my shirt over my head and follow her in.
She's right, it's too hot today.
***
And finally, the time for our End Of Summer festival arrives.
This is easily the most heartfelt celebration in our clan. For three days and nights the whole camp turns into a completely different place, full of endless music, performances of all kinds, stories shared around bonfires, food cooked non-stop… and my favorite thing since I was a child: the sweet, crisp scent of candy apples. Every year, Annie and I would take forever to choose the biggest, brightest red one for us — just one apple, that we would share. It was our little treasure. Well, at least until we reached an age where licking the same piece of food suddenly felt… gross. A pity, truly.
At sunset, Ayanne takes her place with the other dancers for the opening night. With Haranal leading them, the performance is brand new — bold, beautiful, and more captivating than the traditional steps we've seen every year since I was a child. I hate to admit it, the whole clan is spellbound. My heart races too at every elegant movement and swift turns, at every swaying of red braid, every big bright smile, until the music fades and Annie bows with the others, glowing with pride.
Gorgeous.
As everyone start to scatter toward the food stalls to feast, I tuck my notebook under my arm, take a bite from my apple and find myself a quieter spot to write a little. Ayanne deserves her moment of celebration.
She is breathtaking over there, showered with hugs and praises, still euphoric from the show. Haranal is there too, of course, and she's pouring yet another drink for herself, then one more for him, and I watch them chat — finally, they chat — and laugh, until she whispers something in his ear and they leave, together, his arm tight around her waist.
I throw my apple away, unfinished. It's time to go to sleep.
The next morning, I head over to her tent to pick her up. She'd want to tell me how her night went, I figure, all excited and exuberant like she always gets when she tells a story. Maybe we could take one of our walks together before the bustle of the festival starts again. But she's not there. Hasn't come back yet, her brother says.
I take a look around the camp and spot some of the dancers already up, going over details for tonight's show under Haranal's direction. But no trace of Ayanne... Why is she not with him? When I ask if anybody's seen her, he scoffs at the interruption and, without even facing me, mutters that he'd talked to her earlier and doubts she'll show up. Sounds annoyed at the mere thought. I'd dreaded the idea of hearing him sing her praises — to me, in front of everyone — but… this is worse.
I need to find her.
I check everywhere. She's not with the bakers, not at the merchants, not near the aravels, none of the children has seen her. With every dead end, my pulse quickens. "You're usually the one who knows where she is", they tease me. Ghilan'nain ma halani. Where are you, Annie?
There's only one place left: the river. But it's far. And if she's really there… waiting, for me, at our spot all night… Gods, she needed me. She needed me, and I wasn't there for her.
I plunge into the forest, strides as fast as my legs let me. I imagine her walking this very path. In the dark. Sad. Alone. Was she heartbroken? Was she crying? Was she…
…hurt?
I start to run. My heart pounds impossibly loud in my ears. The path is suddenly overgrown, branches everywhere dragging at my legs and slowing me down, as my brain conjures all the worst possible scenarios. What if she changed her mind? Tears burn at the corner of my eyes. What if she wanted to stop and he didn't… and he still…? It's my fault. I shouldn't have let her go with that bastard. If he hurt her… if he forced himself on her… Gods, I wasn't there, it’s my fault.
I wasn't there. I wasn't there!!
The trees finally part, and I spot her red hair in the clearing. Thank Elgar'nan, I've found her.
She's sitting on her rock, knees hugged to her chest, head hidden between her arms. She seems so small. "Annie?" I call, softly, trying to catch my breath.
She raises her head at the sound of my voice, but doesn't turn. I crouch right behind her back. I'm afraid to touch her. "Annie…"
Then, with the faintest voice: "I don't really feel like dancing tonight," she sniffs. "Do you think everybody will be mad at me if I skip the show?" She turns towards me, just slightly. Her eyes are so red.
It's hard to keep my own voice steady. "What happened, Annie?"
Suddenly, she throws herself at me and bursts into tears. "Oh, Adahlen!!" She sobs so hard she can hardly breathe. Within seconds my hair and shirt are soaked with her tears.
"Annie, what did he do to you?", I try again as I hold her, but she says nothing. I'm petrified. I have to ask.
"Did he hurt you?" My voice trembles, too weak. I try to stay solid for her, but I'm terrified of the answer. But she just can't stop crying and clings to me even tighter. I feel the bile rising in my throat.
"Annie, answer me!! Did he hurt you?"
"NO!!" She shouts, her head still buried against my shoulder. "No…" weaker this time, "I'm fine, I promise." A sniffle. "Give me a minute." She pushes some wet hair out of her face, her breath still ragged. "Just hold me. Please?"
My chest tightens so hard it hurts. I cradle her, enveloping her in my arms even more, stroking her hair as gently as I can. She says she isn't hurt. I repeat the words in my head like a mantra, praying they're true. "I'm here, Annie. I'm right here."
We stay there as long as she needs, until her sobs fade out and the sound of the river is the only thing we hear.
"He said I was a mistake," her voice is rough, broken. "That he doesn't want me."
He certainly had no problem taking what he wanted first. Vermin.
I kiss her temple, hold her even tighter.
"We… made love, you know," she adds, with bitter chuckle. "I kept thinking: oh, my stubbornness paid off, I made it! I can't wait to tell Adahlen!!"
I laugh, despite all. Wipe away a tear from my own eye with the back of my hand. "I'm not sure that's what you're supposed to think in that moment, Annie."
She shoves me a little, a weak smile growing on her face."That's not the only thing I was thinking about, you silly."
I hug her again. "Was he… gentle, at least? Did you tell him it was your first time?"
"NO?!", she cries, horrified. "It took me months to convince him I wasn't just a little girl!"
What goes on that head of yours, Annie? "You should have, instead!"
"I couldn't risk him laughing at me and run away!!"
"Well, he did—", and then I shut my stupid mouth. He did run away in any case.
I offer her my best apologetic smile, and caress her shoulder for some comfort.
"I ruined everything, Adahlen." She looks down, her eyes sad again. "It's my fault."
"It's not —"
"It is! We did it, and it was… fine, you know, whatever you can imagine a first time could be." She focuses on the leaves embroidered on her skirt, tracing them with one finger. "But I was so happy. So happy. So I told him I love him, and… he got cold after that. I tried talking to him again this morning, didn't want to give up. But, well, you know how that went."
I can see the tears gathering in her eyes, again. Her hands fist into her skirt, creasing the cloth. "Funny thing is, I still love him, despite it all", she lets out a dry laugh at that. "And how am I supposed to fix this mess, now?"
I'm listening, Annie. Just trying to ignore the knife twisting into my heart.
"Very clever of me to declare my feelings like that…" she continues. "I guess I still managed to scare him away, after all."
No, Annie. Your only fault is that you keep falling for the worst possible people.
"What man of worth is scared by something like that?"
"Maybe you're right." She exhales a long, slow sigh. "Don't worry about me. It'll pass."
She looks down to the water. The flow is calm today, the river bottom crystal clear where the sunlight catches the pebbles. A little school of fish swims towards us. "Look, it's our fishes!" she cries out, with a smile — finally — and quickly puts her feet inside the water to let them nibble at her toes. I join her, too. They tickle, it makes us giggle.
"Hey, Adahlen", she pokes my ankle with her right foot to get my attention. "Can I still get June for my vallaslin, even if you don't like it?" She offers me a shy, tentative smile.
"Of course you can", I lean toward her. "There must be some hidden lore somewhere to convince the Keeper that's the right Evanuris for you."
She leans toward me too, and I take her hand in mine.
"We will find it together."