Chapter Text
💫🚀
For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen:
A gaseous Nebula must collapse.
💫🚀
Beomgyu finds this year’s January to be exceptionally long.
January is always as long as what the people on the internet claim and Beomgyu cannot disagree. Thirty-one days that somehow stretch like taffy, pulling thin and endless when you're waiting for something, snapping shut like a trap when you're not. He realises how things—either good or bad— always happened to him in January, a month in which most people associate with the start of a new chapter or turning over a new leaf. Pretty much, it applies to Beomgyu’s life.
The chronology of his Januaries runs through his mind like a highlight reel he never asked for. The first time he went to Eworld, small hand in his parents', the world spinning bright and magical around him. The day they brought Toto home, a wriggling bundle of feathers that fly freely more than it does these days. His grandfather's funeral, the January cold seeping through his dress shoes as he stood at the graveside, too young to understand why everyone was crying.
And then his Januaries that he shared with Taehyun.
The first January they started dating—snow falling while they had the very first kiss, Taehyun's hand warm in his, the word ‘boyfriend’ feeling too small for what bloomed in his chest. The January three years later, when he heard about Taehyun's acceptance to the overseas program, about pursuing his dreams abroad. The January after that, when Taehyun came back for two weeks, and they found their way back to each other, desperate and chaotic and right.
This January, Taehyun graduated with his Master's degree.
And this very year, Beomgyu got a hairline fracture on his foot.
It was an accident, Beomgyu acknowledged that but he cannot bring himself to accept it with a peaceful heart. Not when in two days from now, Beomgyu was supposed to be on a plane to Amsterdam, then a train to Noorwijk, then—if everything went right—showing up at the door of the apartment Taehyun shared with Renjun, flowers in one hand and the biggest smile he could manage on his face. Taehyun didn't know. Beomgyu had been planning it for months, saving money, coordinating with Taehyun's roommate, constructing lies about schedules and commitments to explain his sudden unavailability. Almost a year. It had been almost a year since he had seen Taehyun in person, since he had felt the real weight of him, the warmth of his skin, the sound of his laugh without the compression of video calls and spotty wifi.
And now the said boyfriend has been blowing up his KakaoTalk for an hour since the accident happened. Beomgyu stares at it. Reads it three times. His thumb hovers over the keyboard, then stops.
[My loveliest Taehyun]
Hyung
Wyd?
I just finished my observation lab shift
It’s late I know
Our new supervisor is so meticulous AF
Did you have fun at the pilates class?
Is it hard?
Did Somi at least take a video of you stretching?
I wanna see
Hyung don’t ignore me?
Fine, I’ll let you rest
But please rest
Don’t cover anyone’s shift at the cafe
Or I will talk to Chenle myself about how he is abusing your guys’ friendship for cheap labour
I miss you
I’ll sleep now
Hope to see your post work out selca spamming this chat
Love you
“I miss you too. I love you too.” That’s what Beomgyu replied but did not type. He thinks about this as he stares at his foot, propped up on three pillows, wrapped in an ace bandage that mocks him with its pale neutrality. He is a brokenhearted man whose perfectly planned plan was ruined by a 1-hour pilates class for beginner which Somi forced him to go to with.
The urgent care doctor had been kind but brisk, quietly leaving after a short briefing about Beomgyu’s condition. Hairline fracture. Keep weight off it. Six to eight weeks. The words had floated past Beomgyu like leaves on a current, not quite landing, not quite real. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. He himself couldn’t care less.
But someone else in the room might care too much.
“Yah, Choi Beomgyu! You are not even listening to the doctor!”
Beomgyu forgot how loud Somi sometimes can be. Well, not that they are that close. Ryujin used to point out how Beomgyu and Somi are awkward with each other despite sharing the same friend group that occasionally hangs out. Both of them secretly agreed to that fact. He thought they could bond during the pilates. There’s something about Somi’s personality that intrigued Beomgyu about how that woman’s brain works. However, seeing the aftermath in one shared hour, Beomgyu thinks the best is to keep his curiosity on hold for a while.
“I don’t need to if someone didn’t drag me along to a pilates class for a breath of fresh air!” Beomgyu just spits out whatever.
And Somi, who is easily offended, is offended. “You make it like I force you?!! You agreed to it and you came to the class of your own freewill!” She whines.
Right. He agreed to it with a big smile on his face, truthfully. However, Beomgyu is a whiner. He cannot lose to another whiner, “And you think it is my freewill to fall from a hard stretching pose and have a hairline fracture on my left foot?!!”
“I don’t know if you are that stiff. Stop blaming me!”
“It wouldn’t happen if you didn’t make me feel bad about my unfitness!” No, Somi didn’t do that intentionally. It was a harmless tease, two friends joking around. Beomgyu agreed to it too. Nonetheless, right now, Beomgyu points it out as he is projecting his insecurities.
Somi is frustrated. Her naturally pale face turns deep red and Beomgyu somehow waits for her to curse with all her heart content to his face. “You are overworking yourself at the cafe and the gallery. I am a best friend who is kind enough to let you experience new things and pull you out of your boring life!”
Beomgyu scoffs. “I am not?!! Kind best friend, you said? I am hurting and you have only been shouting at me since.”
“You son of bitch, you fucking started first, asshole!”
There you go.
Beomgyu is now allowed to curse back as per his principle of arguing with someone.
“What the fuck are you crazy bitch talking about?! It was you!”
They are clearly too deep into their anger now that they both don’t notice that there is a third person who, since then, has been watching.
Sumin’s stern eldest sister's voice is finally heard. It means intervention is needed before it gets escalated into physical fighting, “Choi Beomgyu, Jeon Somi, enough, both of you. You guys are adults, graduates from universities and we are in the public space. You guys are embarrassing yourselves in front of the whole emergency department.”
Well, it shuts both Beomgyu and Somi’s mouths for exactly 3 seconds.
“But Beomgyu—”
“Somi is—”
Sumin hisses. “Oh my god, enough!” She turns to Somi first, “You are angry at yourself because you felt bad and guilty about the whole situation.” Then, to Beomgyu, “And you, you are frustrated because you need to cancel your plan to surprise the beloved boyfriend of yours.”
Sumin, keeps her asian mother stance, chest up with hands on her hips. “Apologise. It was an accident. No one wants to see you hurt, Beomgyu. You know Somi won’t do that. And Somi, stop overreacting.”
Well, this time, they keep it silent for 15 seconds. Sumin still isn't satisfied until they make up in front of her. “Now, shake hands or hug or whatever. I give 10 seconds.”
“10.”
“9.”
“8.”
“7.”
“6!” Her tone changes to a more urgent tone. “5!”
Somi groans before apologising. She is full of pout. “I am sorry Beomgyu-yah. For your leg, for lashing out at you. You don’t deserve it.”
Beomgyu is pouting too, whispering. “But you said I had a boring life.”
“Of course, I think your life is boring. I am the one who can’t sit still in a room for a minute. But you, you enjoy your life as it is. It’s just it is not my type.”
Well, for Beomgyu, it makes sense. “You really think so?”
Somi rolls her eyes but her tone is fond. “Yes. You look so happy and fulfilled lately. I don’t understand exactly why, because our brains work differently. I just thought maybe we could get closer through the pilates class. I actually didn’t expect you to agree to come with me today. Yunjin was surprised too, you know. I was so happy you agreed but now look at how it turned out. I am so upset.”
“I am sorry too, Somi-yah. I am grateful you invited me out of everyone. I am just unlucky, couldn’t blame you for that, right? Well, there is always time in the future for us to bond over together.”
It is sappy all over. Sumin nudges Somi closer to the bed, encouraging Beomgyu to give her an apology hug. Somi returns the hug with the same playful puppy energy and Sumin smiles at their side like a proud mom.
And then, that’s the cue for the fourth person to come in and intervene in their mushy moments into serious business.
“Alright, alright. Now we are done here, I think.” Heeseung hands Beomgyu his medication prescribed, the medical certificate and the discharge note. “The doctor said you can leave whenever you are ready. It’s a relief that the injury is not that serious. As long as you take your meds and have enough rest, you will be as good as new in less than three month. Next two weeks, I will take you here again for a follow-up check-up.”
Suddenly, it hits Beomgyu. He hurts himself and his friends are anything but being unhelpful. They care. Too much. He should be grateful. He definitely shouldn’t have argued with Somi in the first place. Somi is the one who argued to stop by the hospital when Beomgyu limped at the end of session whilst faking a smile telling it is just a sore. Until, he ended up slipping again as he tried to walk properly forcing himself with the pain lanced through him, sharp and white and undeniable.
“Thank you, Heeseung-ah.” Beomgyu is on the verge of tearing up but the others couldn’t tell yet. He is still hesitant to let go of Somi's warm hug. It is unusual to feel so safe in her embrace, considering she called him a son of a bitch just a moment ago.
“No worries. You will do the same if I were at your place,” is what Heeseung said but Sumin and Somi nod, confirming they feel the same.
“Chenle and Limjim are already at your place. They are cooking beef broth for you.” Sumin adds after checking their groupchat and Beomgyu feels bad because he is surprised everyone is involved now. Of course, everyone is involved. Beomgyu makes a fuss over a hairline fracture like a selfish brat just now when the main upsetting issue is that he could not see Taehyun as he planned.
“I think we are ready to go?”
Beomgyu pulls himself together. He should not cry now. Not when his unfortunate situation is putting a lot of work on his friends.
💫🚀
The car ride is only filled with soft indie songs played from Beomgyu’s playlist. They let Beomgyu have full control of the speaker, treating him like a princess. And Beomgyu is overwhelmed.
“Yunjin wants to talk to you.” Somi prods her phone to Beomgyu, gesturing to him to take the call. Beomgyu dumbfoundedly does what he is asked to.
“Yunjin-ah?”
“Beomie!! Are you alright?” Yunjin’s fretting voice is so loud —although it is actually normal and Beomgyu is already used to it—that it makes Beomgyu flinch a bit.
“Everyone is taking care of me well. I felt better.”
“I am sorry, I can’t be there for you. I have some work to finish up here and then packing for London. It felt like a chore thinking you would not be with me on the trip.”
Right. His perfectly planned surprise for Taehyun has Yunjin in it.
Let’s back track for a bit.
It all starts when Beomgyu misses Taehyun so much that it becomes everyone’s problem. He keeps mentioning Taehyun in every conversation he has with his Eez friends and every single opportunity in the groupchat. Ryujin, out of patience, scolds Beomgyu to just get over it and fly to Noorwijk to save everyone's peace. She doesn’t actually mean it but Lim Jimin thinks Beomgyu should really do it. The wisest among them, Sumin also thinks it is a good idea and all of them start encouraging him to do it. The planning phase starts soon after and all of them help directly and indirectly, especially financially. Beomgyu would be notified if there were any freelance gigs available and Chenle would offer Beomgyu shifts he could cover at his cafe.
The problem arises when Beomgyu realises that he might have been anxious for his first international flight. Yunjin volunteered to help but she can only accompany him until London because she wants to visit her sister who is studying there. Even though he needs to continue his journey for another 7 hours alone via another flight and train, Beomgyu is ecstatic that he could join her halfway. Beomgyu loves spending time with Yunjin, so it is a bonus. The 14-hour flight will pass easily. However, all of them remain as only a plan.
“You will be fine. Bring my soul with you, okay?” Beomgyu assured. Everyone in the car could hear the upset in his voice.
“I will. I’ll be spamming pictures for you.” Yunjin is feigning positivity. “And Beomie! I will try my best to get your tickets refunded.”
Well, ticket flights are not cheap. Especially during the holiday season. He has been working hard, picking up gigs as much as possible for those tickets. Beomgyu will be very grateful if Yunjin could help him but he thinks he is asking for too much already.
“You don’t have to. I don’t think they will allow it.”
“No. No. I’ll find a loophole or maybe anyone from my connections will buy your ticket.” Yunjin insisted.
Beomgyu scoffs, teasing. “Your connections mean your moots on twitter?”
“Anyone would do. I wouldn’t let your hard work on extra gigs go down the drain.”
Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel pathetic, too much to his liking. “You don’t have to but really, thank you.”
“Anything for you Beomie.”
Before Beomgyu can have the thoughts of indulging with feelings and start crying, he closes the conversation. “Take care Yunjin, please have fun on my behalf.”
“I will. Love you and I will make sure everyone is taking shifts to look over you.” Yunjin promises.
As much as Beomgyu loves the sounds of it, he doesn’t want to be a burden. “Yah, I’m not a child.”
But Yunjin just casually laughs as if it’s natural to take care of Beomgyu. “But you’re our favourite person. Let us help you.”
Beomgyu's evil mind is convincing him to think he doesn't deserve this and it tires him distastefully; he decides to pretend to sleep for the rest of the car ride. Shutting his eyes is the best way to hide his tears anyway.
💫🚀
Somi, Heeseung and Sumin could only drop Beomgyu off at his apartment. They are grown ups now, responsibilities and adulting couldn’t wait for an injured friend. Beomgyu already takes off their whole morning, so he makes sure to apologise before the three leave.
Now, in his humble abode is the cafe owner Chenle, Lim Jimin, whose day-offs are on Monday and Tuesday, unemployed Jeongin, Yoo Jimin, who told her boss she had a family emergency and Minjeong, who called in sick (fake).
Upon arriving, they don’t let Beomgyu move a finger. They force Beomgyu to lie down in his bedroom only for him to trudge to the living room 3 minutes after because he almost died of boredom (read: overthinking). He receives a long nag from the Jimins for that. However, it isn’t a lonely battle as Jeongin is at least backing him up (for the first time in 5 years). While the whole banter is going on, Minjeong brings pillows and blankets from Beomgyu’s room to the sofa in the living room. Position her dear childhood friend comfortably and bundle him up warmly.
Chenle comes not long after with a tray in his hands. A bowl of warm soup and rice, a glass of water and strawberries. He is being so domestic like this that it amazes Beomgyu. That friend usually uses his busy businessman excuse to not come to hangouts or any just-because-invitation. So, he cannot help but to stare shamelessly.
Chenle huffs, rolling his eyes as he is getting ready to feed Beomgyu. “Stop looking at me like that. If you’re worried about the cafe, I have other staff who would want extra shifts for money too.”
Well, how can Beomgyu not worry about this dear friend of his? Just a day before yesterday, Beomgyu took a whole day shift to fill in for Chenle's newbie, who apparently caught a bad cold. In the past months, Beomgyu practically lived in Chenle’s cafe to help him after the sudden resignation of the full-time barista. Even though Beomgyu offered his help with the flight ticket fund excuse, he actually volunteered to help Chenle ease the piling problems since the day the cafe was officially handed over to him. Beomgyu knows Chenle needs support more than anything at that time.
“No, who cares about your business?” Beomgyu lies and Chenle knows but he feigns ignorance.
“Open your mouth.”
Beomgyu is like an obedient child, he is, letting himself be pampered and fed. Chenle’s cooking never fails him. As a picky eater, it is the highest praise. But Beomgyu isn’t satisfied with the others scolding him to finish everything. He just had the most traumatic event in his life; therefore, having a full appetite is too much. After pouting and sulking, his friends reluctantly give up and Minjeong offers to finish the meal for him. That is why, since a decade ago, Minjeong has been his favourite.
Beomgyu looks at his phone. Taehyun's contact photo smiles up at him—a selfie from last spring, sun lighting up his hair, squinting slightly because Beomgyu had made him laugh right as he took it. They talked last night, video call, and Beomgyu had smiled and laughed and asked about the graduation and said i miss you in the casual way they both learned to use, the way that didn't put too much pressure on the words, didn't make them heavy with everything they couldn't have. Next time, Taehyun had said. We'll see each other soon. Beomgyu had agreed, thinking of plane tickets and surprises and two days from now.
His foot throbs, a dull reminder. He could still go. The thought flickers through him, desperate and irrational. He could still get on that plane, hobble through airports, show up at Taehyun's door with his bandaged foot and his broken plans. Taehyun would take care of him. Taehyun would be happy to see him, would fuss and worry and make sure he rested—
But that's exactly the problem.
Taehyun would spend their whole reunion taking care of him. Carrying his bags, navigating the train, cooking meals, fetching ice packs. Beomgyu would become another task on Taehyun's list, another thing to manage, when what he wanted (read: planned) was to show up whole and healthy and present, to be the one taking care of Taehyun for once, celebrating his achievement, making him feel loved and seen after a year of screens and longing.
Not this. Not broken.
Blinded by pride and helplessness, Beomgyu deicides to lie. He has gotten good at it over this past year, at smoothing over the rough edges of his loneliness so Taehyun won't worry, won't feel guilty, won't offer to give up his dreams and come home. While drafting his lies, he is evaded,
“You are being stubborn like a child and now, you are lying to your boyfriend.”
Lim Jimin, who has kept his mouth quiet since then, only huddled up to Beomgyu, finally nagged him. He isn’t chatty usually, further from nosy. However, seeing his best friend sending lies to his boyfriend before his eyes, he feels the need to intervene.
Beomgyu rolls his eyes. Taehyun doesn’t need to know he had a miserable day, so he messages Taehyun about how he dozed off in Somi’s car after the class and continued napping as he arrived home. He also messages about being too lazy to go out, his friends come over after work and Chenle cooked for everyone. Basically, he doesn’t tell lies altogether. Some half-truths and some happenings without the actual context. He feels bad but he has no choice.
“I just don’t want him to worry. He is graduating in two days, and I don’t want to be a nuisance.” Beomgyu shrugs.
Minjeong doesn’t seem happy either with whatever Beomgyu is doing. “I bet you hide this from Soobin-ssi and others too.”
Soobin joins Kai’s family trip in Hokkaido, spending a long break of Christmas and New Year's together. While Yeonjun is in Busan for work, with his girlfriend accompanying, hence, it is technically a vacation.
“He is not telling imo and samchoon too.” Jeongin who sits at the other side pointing out the painful truth.
“Your parents too?” Yoo Jimin gasps because it is that serious.
His mom and dad are staying with his brother’s, celebrating their newborn granddaughter.
Beomgyu replies with a groan. “I have you guys here and it’s not that I'm losing my leg.” Or, he cannot be more pathetic than ruining others’ happy moments.
“If Somi didn’t panic in the group chat, I guess we wouldn’t even know.” Chenle spits another hard-to-swallow truth.
“Hey, that’s not true.” Beomgyu’s voice breaks over his lies. Too offended because he really might do that.
A silence, then another, but Beomgyu hears too many disappointments.
Limjim then decides to let it pass, knowing how Beomgyu feels, “Alright.” He pats Beomgyu’s head once, twice. “We won’t scold you about this, knowing you are the most frustrated right now. But please think about telling them. If they know this later, they will be very upset with you.”
“Alright,” Beomgyu replies, small. Then, a very needed change of topic. “How long are you guys gonna be here?”
Minjeong answers quickly as if she has a whole schedule on this. “The boys need to leave soon. I will stay with you for the night with Yoojim.”
“Ryujin said she is free tomorrow,” Limjim adds.
Jeongin already gathers his belongings as he is leaving soon. “I don’t have anything planned for Wednesday either. Let’s do some rounds of LOL, Beomie.”
Yoojim doesn’t like the idea, “Yah, he needs to rest, not gaming.”
Jeongin chuckles as he responds, “Gaming is how you rest, right Beomie?” He winks at him only to see the sick boy already shedding tears quietly.
“Why are you crying?”
Beomgyu is not sure who started the commotion but he is pulled into the warmest group hug, sniffing, “I don’t deserve you guys.” The tears come before he can stop them. Quiet, at first—just a burning in his eyes, a tightness in his throat. Then harder, shaking his shoulders, soaking into the collar of his shirt. He cries for the trip he won't take, for the surprise he won't get to see on Taehyun's face, for the time his friends might have wasted nursing him, for himself who couldn’t be grateful enough, for another January stretching long and empty ahead of him. He cries because he's tired of Januaries, tired of the way they keep taking things from him, tired of this particular irony—that the month of new beginnings keeps delivering endings he never asked for.
His friends immediately deny, assuring Beomgyu how much he is not alone and loved. They know the effect is not as strong as Kang Taehyun can provide but they do their best because, in the end, they all cherish Beomgyu all the same.
💫🚀
Beomgyu turns into the biggest liar overnight. He casually tells Taehyun about imaginary activities he had done throughout the day, whilst he is on home arrest. His ideal is waking up late and sore from the exercise, going to work, today he is in charge of a group visit from an art high school, having lunch with Sumin at Lotteria and a quick walk at the park before going home and having braised ribs and rice delivered for dinner. He sends old pictures that Taehyun has never seen and some random pictures on Pinterest that suit the context that he created. It is a perfect lie.
Meanwhile, in reality, he couldn’t sleep well last night and woke up groggy at six in the morning because the girls needed to leave early for work; thus, their little noise woke Beomgyu up. Ryujin came at 10 am, took away his coffee and only fed him greens and hot soup. They spent the day watching Park Boyoung’s new series, which he didn’t remember the title of because he dozed off most of the time.
And right now, he is alone in his uncomfortably big bed after Ryujin needs to go home and Beomgyu is half responsible for chasing her away because he assumed he needed solitude. Taehyun blows up his phone with messages for his usual day updated and Beomgyu intentionally ignores them. He has run out of lying capacities for the day and soon after, the effect of the painkiller Ryujin shoves into his mouth brings him to the dreamland.
💫🚀
Two days pass so quickly, Beomgyu is very grateful. He is lounging around his house with his friends on occasional visits. K-dramas with Ryujin, gaming with Jeongin and Heeseung, playing dress up with Somi and baking with Sumin while the others would visit from time to time. It is nice. It really is, but he will feel so much better if it doesn’t come with the feeling of intense overwhelm. So, on the third day, Beomgyu begs his friends to leave him alone. With another lie told, of course. His friends believe Soobin and Kai are returning to the country and will stay with him.
Lying is comfortable now for Beomgyu. More and more non-truths are easily told, and everyone now is Beomgyu’s victim.
After having a short phone call with his parents (only short, because Beomgyu is still a sweet son who is having a hard time lying through his mouth), he gets a notification from Instagram.
you.th shared a post for the first time in a while!
It is Taehyun in his graduation robe, smiling so brightly that, for some reason causing Beomgyu to tear up. There are four pictures in total. The first one is the picture of him alone with a graduation scroll. The second shows him sandwiched between his parents and sister. The third picture is Taehyun with his friends, whom Beomgyu only recognises Renjun among the few. Lastly, a picture of a flower bouquet, held up to the sky with Taehyun’s watch as the centre of the photo. It is not just any watch. It is their couple watch. The identical watch in brown is lying on Beomgyu’s vanity, looking lonely after not being worn for almost a week.
Gradu-ate
Missing my biggest supporter, my sky, my polaris @ bamgyuuu
Now, Beomgyu knows the last picture is dedicated to him. He is staring at the post for a while now, silently sobbing, imagining another reality in which he is in the picture, personally buying Taehyun a bouquet of flowers, hugging him in the flesh and telling him how proud he is of his boyfriend instead of just replying,
I am so proud of you tyun, always <3
He has not received any text from Taehyun today. Last night, Beomgyu had watched the graduation ceremony livestream at 3 am his time, phone brightness turned down low so it wouldn't strain his eyes so much, tears streaming down his face as Taehyun walked across that foreign stage in that foreign country. He screenshot the moment, sent it to Taehyun with a hundred emojis, and pretended the distance between them was measured in anything other than miles. The conversation went on, Taehyun telling Beomgyu his plan with his family after the graduation ceremony. It ended with Taehyun’s i miss you. Beomgyu replied with a heart emoji because that was the only thing he could do before he combusts on, how upset he is with himself and his damn fractured bone.
Trying to distract himself from his own feelings, he opens the groupchat.
[The 01z (read: Eez)]
(Somisomi, Jenn, Ryujin, Jeongin, Heeseung, Limjim, Yoojim, Minjeong, Chenle, Twin Bae and You)
Any of you guys outside right now?
Send me some pics
?
No, we are not gonna let you tell lies
If Taehyun knows we will be dead for encouraging this behaviour
Am shopping at Hongdae
(pictures)
Heeseung?!!!!
Thanks Hee
Have fun shopping
Damn
Sorry guys
I don’t know he turned out to be a liar now
And Somi please stop tagging him in your stories
I am sorry babe, he is using his puppy eyes how can I not do it
His friends are always a good distraction. He chuckles, though silently. But somehow, someone just has to ruin it.
Have you taken your meds today Gyu?
I will
Later
Need to shower first
And please use your crutches /srs
There, there, more nags. He does take his medicine. Sporadically and whenever he is in the mood to swallow the most bitter pills. It is better than avoiding it all, right?
And he doesn’t need crutches to shuffle around his house. Hopping with one leg or crawling provides him more convenience.
I can walk just fine
It doesn't hurt that bad
No, he doesn’t send that. Quickly deletes, because telling too many lies does make him feel bad no matter how comfortable and easy it is.
I knowww
I am not a child
He sends and exits the group chat. With the photos he gets from Heeseung, Beomgyu posts an Instagram story. The caption being, updating spring wardrobe.
Not long after, he gets messages from Taehyun.
[My loveliest Taehyun]
Show me what you bought later
Fitcheck or anything
You are finding an excuse to see my face
Of course, I miss you
I miss you too
Well, before Taehyun could pester him for more pictures, Beomgyu asks his boyfriend about his day instead.
Tell me about your day tyun
Did your family have fun in Amsterdam?
From texting, Taehyun calls him because he misses his boyfriends’s voice and it is easier to tell stories. Their conversation is going on and on. Taehyun does most of the talking and whatever is coming out of Beomgyu’s voice, it is a lie. It hurts Beomgyu, truthfully but he doesn’t have a choice, at least that what he thinks. He cannot bring himself to tell the truth; the sharp pain of his foot that comes from time to time, the bitterness aftertaste of the pills he needs to swallow, the helplessness and loneliness he is feeling despite having his friend around and the guilt he is living with at the moment.
How could he?
When Taehyun’s excitement can be heard in his voice, telling about his trip with his family, about his jitters for the upcoming space conference he will be attending in a month, about how he will miss his friends, about how he wants Beomgyu to be with him.
He would rather tear his own heart himself than reduce all of Taehyun’s happiness to worrying, or worse, pitying about his injured boyfriend.
So, when they end the call, Beomgyu buries himself in his blanket, crying his heart out for hours, ignoring the throbbing pain that comes from the fracture. He is dehydrated, sweaty, hungry and sick.
That night, when he finally has the strength to wake up to go to the toilet, he passes out in the hallway. His body gives up as if it knows how his heart does that first.
💫🚀
Beomgyu is used to the lingering pain around the fractured area. When he wakes up to the blunt numbness, Beomgyu knows something must have happened and it is usually not a good thing.
Imagine the panic Beomgyu is having when he opens his eyes to Yeonjun frowning and hovering him apart from the fact that he is now wired to the IV drip on a clean white bedsheet, covered with a soft brown blanket up to his chest.
“Yeonjun hyung?” Beomgyu’s throat felt scratchy and rough. He doesn’t even know whether his voice is heard or if he just appears as mumbling.
Yeonjun softly strokes his hair, so much warmth, so real yet so dreamy. “Hey, Gyu-yah feel better?”
Beomgyu receives a fond look from Yeonjun. It is not out of the ordinary, yet this time Beomgyu feels undeserving. The lies he tells Yeonjun over the phone project in his head, shamelessly reminding himself that he is caught lying. He doesn’t answer Yeonjun, of course. He cannot, indeed.
“I am calling the nurse. Wait here with Jinnie." Yeonjun walks away hurriedly and Beomgyu doesn’t get to stop him. He has a lot of explaining to do but he doesn’t know if he deserves to explain himself.
Then, he sees Ryu Ahjin, Yeonjun’s girlfriend who is very kind and cautious with him. She smiles, relieved as if she has been praying for Beomgyu's health and well-being for a long time.
Beomgyu cannot bear to look at her too long. His heart aches still. Slowly, he asks, “What happened to me?”
“Your friend, Chenle, found you passed out at your apartment two days ago and brought you here. Oppa knows about this from your friend since someone else answered his call. You were out of it for around two days. He’s been staying with you since last night.”
Beomgyu feels awful and relieved at the same time. Relieved because he doesn’t have to lie anymore but awful because Yeonjun has to know the truth like that, from someone else and in the worst condition. He needs to remind himself to ask about Chenle, as he must be interrogated unkindly by Yeonjun. That hyung is like that, too protective sometimes.
“Am I ruining you guys’ Busan trip?” That is the first thing that Beomgyu asks Ahjin. He hates ruining things for people.
Ahjin shakes her head. Kindly explain, “It was Yeonjun oppa’s worktrip and I followed him because I am on break. And if you were to ask oppa, he would say you didn’t ruin anything except his trust in you. I would say so too. Secret is okay but it’s a bit too much for you to go out all the way to lie. He was more stressed out because of that.”
Right, he lied to Yeonjun about visiting his pop-up store in Shinsege. Telling him the collab collection was the coolest and joking about everything was too expensive for him and wanting Yeonjun to give him any as a birthday present. He even attached pictures he stole from Yeonjun’s fan account that the man doesn’t know existed. Straight out lying shamelessly.
Yeonjun comes back not long after with a young doctor. He checks his vitals and shows him his immensely slow recovery from the fracture x-ray. He doesn’t really pay attention. Classic Beomgyu. Not as focused as Yeonjun and his excellent human science graduate girlfriend who asks questions. He sits there, preparing himself to accept whatever scolding and nagging he will get.
Choi Yeonjun, who is not famous for being quiet, is too quiet to be to Beomgyu’s liking. After the doctor dismisses himself, Yeonjun serves him the meal that they brought from home. Everything is still warm and Beomgyu again feels undeserving.
Beomgyu chooses to drink first. A few sips of water burn his throat, knowing Yeonjun is piercingly gazing at him.
Yeonjun put the spoon and chopsticks into Beomgyu’s hand, more commanding than his usual inviting. “Eat. They said you hadn’t eaten well and were almost dehydrated when they found you.”
Beomgyu gulps, head hangs low. Sorry is an understatement but—
“Save your sorry. I am still angry at you.” Yeonjun’s voice is firm but he gets a soft slap on his shoulder from Ahjin, whispering something about not scaring Beomgyu.
“It’s samgyetang. I cooked it for you.” Oh, sweet Ahjin.
“Thank you, noona.”
Yeonjun makes sure Beomgyu eats the meal well despite how angry he looks. Patiently waiting for the small eater to take his sweet time, he pulls out tissues for Beomgyu, debones the chicken meat so Beomgyu can focus on only eating and preparing the drinks. He only starts talking when Beomgyu finishes the hearty meal.
“I told Soobin, Kai, Taehyun and your parents about this. Your parents only know half the truth since they will be the most heartbroken knowing you lied to them. I let you decide to tell them the full story or not.”
Oh, so thoughtful of his hyung.
“Alright. Thank you hyung, for everything. Also, sorry that you know about this from other people. I really do. You must be shocked. I really don’t want you to know it like that.”
Beomgyu stutters his own words. Still wonders if Yeonjun really wants to hear his badly worded apology. But Yeonjun’s silence keeps him going.
“Please don't be mad at my friends. I am the one who told them to hide this—”
Yeonjun must have had enough. He cuts, “And those friends of yours are clearly ignorant and dumb that they listen to you.” Clearly unsatisfied.
Beomgyu isn’t happy to hear that either. It is his fault all along. Yeonjun cannot say that. “Hyung, they are my friends!” It comes out defensive; his voice is raised.
Yeonjun huffs, “Then who am I? Am I not your friend? I am your friend too!”
Beomgyu wants to cry, scrambling his words. “I am sorry. I really do. I just don’t want to be a burden. I am sorry, I am so foolish. I shouldn’t lie like that but-” He thinks he can hold back his tears but when Yeonjun suddenly hugs him, he just lets it burst.
“I am sorry too. You’re in pain. How could I put all the blame on you?” Yeonjun soothes him. “Hope you have a good excuse to tell Taehyun, though.”
While sniffing, Beomgyu asks, “He would not be that angry, right?”
“He is too quiet. His silence scared me sometimes. But I think he will at least kiss you after scolding you. So, don’t worry.”
Yeonjun is proud as he makes Beomgyu smile and chuckles with that. He pulls away to look properly at his dongsaeng’s face, wiping away all the tears.
“Will you stay tonight?”
“No, Soobin and Kai will.”
Gasping is the only right reaction to that. “They are here?”
“They arrived yesterday morning. I told them to rest first before they could go all out scolding you.”
Right, that is his life now. The price of lying, scoldings and endless guilt. Nevertheless, Beomgyu believes it is better like this, so he gladly smiles.
💫🚀
The number of text messages Beomgyu receives over the last 72 hours is record-breaking. He answers his parents first, assuring them he will be fine and they don’t need to come all the way to Seoul. Then groupchats. The Eez groupchat is on fire on the day Beomgyu passed out. They are asking each other for updates and most of them are feeling bad for not properly taking care of Beomgyu. It is too painful to read every line because, all in all, the cause of all of this is Beomgyu. Beomgyu opens another group chat, a smaller one, so it is less overwhelming to update.
[DAEGU’S PRIDE]
(Jeongin, Limjjim, Minjeong, Chenle and You)
Hi, im alive.
BEOMGYU WHEN I CATCH YOU
Beomieee TTTTT
Hi alive, nice to meet you
Im glad please dont scare me again like that
Im traumatised
You guys not gonna come?
Not if Yeonjun is still there
Wdym?
He hates us…
We are on Taehyun and Yeonjun black list, please do something about it beom
I need a job at Yeonjun’s company
Sorry guys, for everything
Ive been quite a liar
You owe us 13 meals and 13 drinks
13 coffees too
Alright deal
Yasssss
Anyway Yeonjun hyung scolded me too
but he is a sweetheart so we will be fine i assure you
So Taehyun isn’t so much of a sweetheart then
For the nth time, he doesn’t hate you guys
Im not eating that shit
Wait i want to come visit
Will he be there?
No, it’s Soobin hyung and Kai for now
I don’t dare to open Taehyun’s chat yet
Photo proof or you lying
Here [picture]
Alright, ill be there in an hour
Anyone coming with?
Me me me
So, it will be like that with his friends now. A lot of photo-proofs and meals and drinks and coffees to redeem himself as trustworthy. All of his friends are kind enough to forgive him over a few additional materialistic favours. Beomgyu feels nothing but grateful.
After replying to everyone who messages him personally, updating that he is fine and asking prayers for his recovery, he finally opens Taehyun’s chat.
[My loveliest Taehyun]
25 Missed call
Hyung, I am so upset with you
Why did you lie to me?
I am sorry
It’s my fault
Call me when you are ready, yeah?
I love you, Beomgyu hyung
(Last seen: Yesterday 11.45 am)
Beomgyu can only sigh at that. Taehyun is mostly mad at himself and Beomgyu doesn’t want that. He has a lot to explain but he could not bring himself to press the call button right away. At least for now, he wants to assure Taehyun that none of this is his fault. He looks at the time in the Netherlands, which he pinned on his home screen, before he decides. He ends up sighing again. 1.34 am is too early. Beomgyu shouldn’t disturb Taehyun’s sleep.
“Your friends are coming?” Soobin asks after he takes a peek at Beomgyu’s phone screen. That guy is squishing himself on the hospital bed beside Beomgyu with Kai’s Nintendo in his hand. He is comfortable despite.
“Yes. In an hour or so.”
“Hyung, you hate us that much?” Kai is pouting at the bedside, eating grapes and occasionally feeding Beomgyu a few. “We just arrived.”
Beomgyu knows it is a joke, generally nothing hurtful on Kai’s side. They already had a make-up hug last night after nags and apologies. With the rules only allowing three visitors per patient at a time, Soobin and Kai need to leave so the others can come in.
“Kai-yah, you slept here with me last night. You definitely did not just arrive.” Beomgyu is all pouty. Even though Soobin and Kai didn’t actively look after him last night, both of them did help him a lot, especially with travelling to the toilet. Beomgyu is in endless guilt, feeling bad yet extremely grateful.
Soobin at his side, clinging his arm around Beomgyu’s as if he is locked there. “Am not going anywhere, I am comfortable.”
“You play your game the whole time. Kai is the only one who is helpful, honestly.”
“Ungrateful brat.” Soobin slaps his big hand on Beomgyu’s bicep, taming the younger. Beomgyu shrieks as the slap doesn’t come only once. “Ack! Kai-yah, save me.”
Kai, who is not paid enough for all that shit, only shakes his head and saves his Nintendo out of Soobin’s grasp. When they start biting each other, Hueningkai needs to intervene due to the unpleasant noises that risk getting them kicked out. It ends with a light laugh from the three, like how it always is.
“Go rest at home, you two. Or have a date or something. Next week, you both will be busy. Please, don’t let me intrude. You guys already give me strength and help enough.” Beomgyu tries again. However, this time, not to push them away but with genuine consideration and gratefulness.
“Alright, we will wait until your friends come, then.” Soobin and Kai finally give in.
“Thank you.” It isn’t enough to tell how grateful he is and Beomgyu promised himself to show it properly in the future, how much he appreciates Soobin, Kai and every single person who loves him sincerely—infinitely.
💫🚀
So collapse.
Crumble.
This is not your destruction.
This is your birth.
💫🚀