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Illi is sitting in his room, lying on his bed and talking to his friends. Well, his friends and his little brother. Close enough.
Ray is sitting at the end of his bed, flipping through one of Illi’s comics, incredibly invested in whatever action is going on in the pages. Frank is sitting on Illi’s bean bag, right next to his bed. He took an edible not too long ago and it’s becoming clear it’s starting to hit. Mikey, Illi’s brother, is sitting on the floor, next to the bean bag and leaning on Frank’s leg. He’s playing something on his little flip phone and entertaining whatever thoughts happen to come out of Frank’s mouth.
It’s comfortable. It’s nice. Illi loves his friends and loves these little hangouts. He wants to exist in this space forever, talking about nothing and everything with his best friends in his room. Sure, they’re all a little miserable and tired and want to be anywhere but fuckass New Jersey, but Illi’s room is like a safe haven for all of them. They don’t have to worry about anything, anyone else’s expectations, anyone else’s opinions.
They can be themselves.
Which leads Illi to some thoughts that have been plaguing his mind for a while.
He doesn’t feel like… a he. It’s not necessarily wrong, considering he’s exceptionally used to being called “he” his entire life. It just feels a little odd. Especially recently.
They’re all growing up. They’re changing. They’re in highschool and their voices are all getting deeper and they’re all getting taller. Stubble is starting to show, faces are losing their softness. They’re becoming… shudder… men.
Illi never liked that. Hearing how he was going to be a man never felt right. It was uncomfortable, like wearing a stuffy mask on Halloween. It didn’t seem entirely wrong. That was just what was going to happen, right? But it didn’t feel correct to him.
As he watched the girls in his class go through their own changes, Illi couldn’t help but feel a little jealous. They didn’t grow as tall, didn’t have annoying prickly hair all over their faces, didn’t have to deal with not recognizing their voice in the morning.
And although Illi wasn’t exactly like the more masculine guys in his grade, he still despised the changes. He liked the softness of his face. He liked the high lilt of his voice. He liked the long hair swooping down to his shoulders, as much as the adults around him seemed to grumble with annoyance at his denial to cut it.
The only time Illi really felt like he belonged– where he wouldn’t be labeled as something he didn’t feel connected too –was with his friends. With this room of people. With this silly ragtag group of nerdy teenagers.
“Do you guys…” Illi starts after a long while, ending his long train of thought. “Do you guys ever want to be a girl? Like instead of a guy?” He doesn’t really feel scared. He knows they won’t judge.
Ray looks up, tilting his head and looking at Illi through his tiny reading glasses. Illi can see Mikey blink up at him and Frank squint, still looking up at the ceiling.
“What do you mean?” Ray asks, genuine curiosity in his voice.
“Like… I don’t really feel like a man. It just feels wrong.” Illi shrugs, looking up at the ceiling and sighing. “Like I get jealous of the girls in the class ‘cus like, their faces are all soft and their eyelashes are pretty and… I wanna look like that, y’know?”
“I think… I don’t get it, but I get it. Maybe I’m high.” Frank blinks slowly up at the ceiling.
“You most definitely are, Frank.” Mikey mumbles, then clears his throat and looks up at Illi. “I mean, I understand what you’re saying, Ills.” Mikey tries.
“Yeah, same, I just… I don’t think we, er, experience it.” Ray waves a hand around as he tries to explain.
“Hm.” Illi nods.
It’s not a shock that he’s different. He always has been. Probably always will be.
Even in this setting, even with these people, he’s felt different. Not necessarily in a bad way, but different.
“Are you?” Illi looks back down to see Mikey tilting his head at him. Illi blinks for a moment. “A girl, I mean.”
Illi gives it a moment. Maybe. Maybe that’s the suffocating feeling every time he’s called a man. Maybe that’s the itch under his skin when someone calls him a “he” or, god forbid, “William”. Maybe that’s the sinking feeling he gets whenever he catches a glimpse of stubble in the mirror, or hears a warped, deep version of his voice that he doesn’t recognize, or is forced into those tight, uncomfortable uniform pants.
Maybe he is a girl.
Maybe he wants his voice to be light and airy. Maybe he wants to twirl around in a skirt like he sees the other girls in his class do. Maybe he wants to grow out his hair and be able to tie it up or put decorative little clips in it. Maybe he wants to put on pretty makeup and make his eyelashes look long and beautiful. Maybe he wants to be soft. Maybe he’s not a he at all.
“Maybe.”
“It’s pretty cool if you are. We don’t really care, right?” Ray shrugs, then turns to Frank and Mikey.
Mikey nods, “Listen, Ills. If you wanna be my big sister, I’m cool with that. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”
Frank blinks again. “You’ve always kinda been a girl in my head so that’s fine.”
Mikey snorts and drops his forehead onto Frank’s knee.
Illi smiles.
Yeah, that works.
“I think I am.” She says.
Even thinking about being referred to as a girl, as a big sister, as a she, it ignites something in her. It feels right. It doesn’t give the skin-crawling feeling that seems so familiar now. She lets out a small laugh. It’s exciting.
Visions flash in her head of all the fun outfits, all the fun looks she’ll put together. All the different ways she can present herself now. It’s freeing.
“Illi! That’s awesome!” Ray grins, setting the comic down and opening his arms for a hug. Illi laughs and sits up, then falls into him. She’s glad he seems so excited about it. “I’m proud of you.” He hugs her tight, whispering into her ear.
It’s nice to hear from him. They’ve been friends since elementary school. He’s been her best friend as long as she can remember. Such simple words mean the world to her.
“Thanks.” She hugs back, then leans away. When she looks back to Mikey and Frank, Mikey is looking up at her with big eyes, tentatively raising his arms, as if a question.
Illi giggles. “C’mere, you big dork.” Mikey laughs as Illi opens her arms and lets Mikey collapse into her with a crushing hug. “Jeez– ow!”
“Proud of you.” He says, nearly pushing her over onto the bed.
“Thanks. Glad you’ll let me be your big sis.” She grins again at the words. They feel so good on her tongue, so correct. Like stars have aligned in the universe.
When Mikey backs away, moving back to his seat on the floor, Illi looks at Frank. His arms are extended straight up, clearly expecting a hug.
Illi cackles at the sight. His eyes aren’t even open. She fumbles for a moment and grabs her camera, quickly lining up a shot. Mikey leans in and throws up a peace sign next to Frank’s thigh. Illi snaps the picture and giggles again.
“Did you fuckin’ take a picture of me?” Frank mumbles.
“Yes. You look stupid.” Illi remarks, getting onto the floor next to him.
“I was asking for a hug.” He says, arms still up.
“I can see that.”
Then she pounces, flopping directly on top of him and into his arms. Frank grunts and screeches. “Ow! Careful! I’m delicate.”
“Uh-huh, sure.” Illi says against his ear. She feels his arms wrap around her back and squeeze her tight.
“We should go shopping.” Frank says, seemingly out of no where.
Illi backs out of his arms and kneels on the floor in front of him, looking at him with confusion. Frank squints his eyes open.
“For new clothes.” He shrugs. “Pretty skirts.” He closes his eyes again.
“Ah, okay.” She nods, understanding. It would be fun to expand her wardrobe a little. She’s still, obviously, new to all of this. She just had this realization tonight, even if it had been stewing in her mind for quite a while. It might take her a bit to commit to dressing like a girl. But, hell, trying on a skirt would be fun.
“Transformer.” Frank says nonsensically.
“What?” Illi squints at him.
“Transformer.” Frank says again, like that helps anything make sense.
“Oh!” Ray perks up behind them, now sitting on the edge of the bed. Illi turns her head to him, confused. “You’re like a transformer! I mean… kind of. Not really, but Frank means you’re like a transformer.”
“Ohhh.” Illi nods. That makes more sense. “Thank you, Frank Translator.”
“Anytime.” Ray nods.
“You are a transformer.” Frank blinks up at Illi.
“I guess.” Illi shrugs. “I don’t really switch between forms like they do. I think I’m just gonna stick with being a girl.” She pats his leg.
“Ok.” Frank sighs.
“I think shopping is a good idea.” Mikey adjusts his glasses and looks at Illi. “We can even go in the dressing rooms– like a fashion show!” He grins.
“Ooh! Yeah!” Illi nods. “I always wanted to do a fashion show.”
“Remember when we would make those stupid superhero costumes when we were kids? It’s like that.” Mikey recalls.
“Omigod! I do remember! We used to come out of the closet and then make up silly names and fight each other and shit.” Illi remembers fondly. She misses those times with her little brother where they could be carefree kids.
“What if… We all pick out a cool outfit.” Frank starts, still staring at the ceiling. “That we think would suit you… and we… and you try it on.”
“Wow, that was actually coherent. Good job.” Illi grins, then pats Frank’s head. He smiles big and leans into her hand. “That sounds like a good idea, Frankie.”
“Hooray.” Frank says, very unenthusiastically.
“What about Saturday?” Ray has returned to the comic, but peeks up from behind it. “We can drive to the thrift or the mall or something.” He suggests. Ray was the first of them to get his license, so he usually drives them around.
“Sounds good to me!” Illi smiles.
“Yup.” Frank mumbles.
“Ooh… Uh,” Mikey hisses, grabbing the attention of the rest of them. He scratches the back of his neck. “I’m sorry Illi… I can’t Saturday. I uh, have a date.” He blinks and looks away uncomfortably.
“You what?!” Illi nearly screeches.
Just like that, everything feels normal again. The attention is off of Illi as they all laugh and hound Mikey for information on this secret date.
She feels at home.