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Orange, yellow, hints of pink with speckles and puffs of soft white. Sunsets aren’t the same as they were before. Even while there was chaos and war, fighting and loss for everyone, the sky offers a place of home and warmth. That's it. A home. To many a home is where shelter is with food and water and other necessities. Home is wherever you go to explore and venture into. And to some, it's a person they have a special connection with and is with all the time.
“Home is where the heart is.”
With that heart many can say that they put their heart into someone else, devoted to them until forever. And typically, the heart to whom they gave will be by their side until fate decides for them to part ways.
Mikasa gave her heart to Eren. The boy she was saved by all those years ago. And also the boy where she wanted to protect as well as he did for her. She vowed to protect him, and to stay by his side. Maybe it was just a childhood thing, something that everyone eventually goes through. Like a right of passage to life itself. In her case she didn’t lose the feeling, and instead turned it into her driving force that is the root of her strength.
She could not protect him in the end. Mikasa, despite it all, had to sever the physical connection and become the driving force that had to turn her love into reason for justice.
Killing Eren was not something Mikasa wanted. She decided against it of course. But she had to, and did end up killing him; Which satisfied Eren’s wishes lest he continued to kill more of humanity for his dream of peace and freedom for all. And Mikasa wasn’t one to defy the vessel of her heart's wishes and dreams. Even till this day the image haunts her. Her hands seemed to carry the invisible head she had severed in her palms, fingers slightly curved to fit the shape of the skull and soft hair she liked. It was like a permanent reminder of what she had done, and how much it truly haunts her no matter how long ago it was.
The sky slowly turns into its glamorous colors for the night, showing off its natural, everlasting beauty. Everyone can fall in love with the sky, but not everyone can feel its warmth the same.
Mikasa sits on a piece of draft wood, resting her arms and hands on top of her knees as she maintains a relaxed posture. There is light wind today, though a bit stronger since she is by the water, but still distant enough to dig her boots in the sand. There were barely any sounds outside, no people talking or many birds around. Just her, the wind, and the sea.
“...” Mikasa watches the water; Small waves coming up then coming down, then fanning out by the border of the sand. White froth fizzles in then out, the sound of it calming to the ears.
The moment of serenity both eases her, yet makes her feel the mysterious anxiety. It really is about nothing, yet everything at the same time. Like the silence of her surroundings with the disruption of the chilling seawater and occasional shift of sand. It brings her this kind of unease. And perhaps… Bittersweet feelings.
Before she even knew it she thought about where her heart had gone. It's inside of her body, pumping and throbbing blood and circulating it, which is why she is even alive today. Yet she still feels this lingering emptiness where the source of her life comes from. The war was long ago. Peace has come to the world, and everything has gone back to normal.
“Normal”.
Normal.
What is normal? Maybe peace. Maybe the world resuming instead of being paused and covered in blood and bodies. Still, everything appears normal, but everyone isn't. Those affected by the war. Those in it. Scars are inflicted, they heal and blend into your skin, but they remain there and your body and mind remember it.
Eren is like a scar. A scar in Mikasa’s brain that is. Forever ingrained from the beginning where her life truly started. His smiles and laughs were like the plague. His wild ideas and tenacious behaviors were like scum you just can't help but look and acknowledge with pride and respect.
Even with all of those crazy characteristics of him, one can appreciate his moments of vulnerability and grit against everything he’s been through. Losing his mom to a titan right in front of his eyes, to him being targeted by the Female Titan and going through the Paths and… Well, you know what happened after that. Mikasa wonders what their life would be like if Eren hadn’t gone down the life of destruction in the name of humanity. She wonders “what if Eren hadn't gone to the Survey Corps?” or “What if… Eren was still alive? What if things had gone a different way?”
Would life be more fulfilling for Mikasa? For everyone? Even the comrades we have lost in the process of fighting war, those we lost due to freak accidents or to those who bravely sacrificed their life for everyone else? Would things have gone differently, and would life be filled with more joy?
Will... the emptiness in Mikasa’s heart be filled?
She can't admit it out loud. After all, she is trying to live her life and it's honestly going great. Yet despite it all, despite the selfish hope and desire for her way to be the way everyone accepted and had taken and had Eren be alive.. The desire for Eren, and all of those innocent who lost their life to come back to… Be with their family once again.. So she can be with her family.
What was selfish was how much she missed Eren. Which went against his wish for her to move on. To love someone else. To live her life to the fullest, explore and make new memories and be happy for him without his presence beside her. And she was selfish to not want that.
Because she would rather live her life with Eren. Just like she wanted. But life and fate disagreed, and had forced her to make the difficult decisions.
Her boots shifted in the sand and before she knew it tears ran down her cheeks like rainfall to a fresh apple. Shiny and slow, it was the kind of waterworks that came with the silence attack of pain and sadness.
Mikasa stares out into the sea. The waves are still going in and out of closeness and distance. That was one thing that couldn't change. It was like time was stopped for the water. Maybe that was why Eren wanted to see it. There was freedom there. You can be anyone you want out on the sea.
The thoughts of thinking about him couldn't be helped. Maybe it was a bit crazy to keep thinking about his passing made by her hands, as the long fight was in the past now. But it still hurts in her heart. The heart that she can't feel its beating as much anymore, an emptiness like that of a dense box housing nothing but hopes and dreams.
She wipes her quiet tears and continues staring out at the sea some more. By now the sun was setting, and the rays hit the water like that of a light to a crystal clear diamond. Mikasa squints a little bit out of reflex.
On the beach, it's a long flat of sand and water. It was large yet filled with debris and gifts from the ocean. Logs litter the wavy surface, like abandoned pirate ships on sand dunes.
As Mikasa seems to start losing herself in her thoughts about miscellaneous thoughts, she is quickly put out of her dazed trance and flinched when there was some crunching of try leaves and seaweed behind her.
“Staring out at the sea won't bring anyone back, you know.” A cold and sarcastic voice said behind Mikasa. It was that of a flippant, yet confident woman. A voice who, despite it all, can overcome hardships with a clear head.
Knowing who it was, Mikasa couldn't help but squint a little more at the sky. It's becoming a burning orange and red. “I know that.” She replied in an equally deadpan tone. Albeit her tone was a little shaky because of her vulnerable state at the moment.
The sound of shoes shifting in the sand rakes against Mikasa’s ears. And before she knew it, a presence made itself known and visible beside her on the draft wood.
It was a woman who had a quiet yet powerful presence that required some acknowledgement and respect. Even if she was wearing casual clothing, there was something about her face that gave the energy of a lion.
“What’re you doing here Annie.” Mikasa coarsely, her lips pinching tightly together as her focus on the scenery in front of her becomes blurry.
There was silence before a soft scoff came out. “I can’t enjoy the beach?” Annie replied back tersely. Her tone wasn't purposely mean, but just something about Annie’s presence seemed to trigger Mikasa.
“How did you know it was me?”
“Anyone can recognise that red scarf.”
“...” Instinctively, Mikasa reached up to her neck accessory, now a bit rough to the touch due to many times in the wash. Each time it’s worn, she has to feel it around her neck, out of fear it might suddenly fly away and leave her for good.
There is silence between the two. It’s kind of awkward, as they had a little rocky relationship with one another. After all, Annie was the Female Titan whose whole mission was to kidnap Eren. And also maybe because Mikasa was still kind of on edge just because of the rough personality the blonde lady had. Especially during the training period back then.
“What are you doing out here?” Annie asks after a few moments of nothingness. She seems to lean her elbows on her knees, and rest her chin in her palm. Mikasa was sitting right up and maintained a relaxed and calm demeanor.
It was a few silent moments before Mikasa answered. Let it be her thinking what she should say, or if she wanted to linger in the silence some more. “Just clearing my head. That's all.”
Whether or not Annie genuinely cared was ambiguous. Instead she just looked out with a blank face out at the water. To her, water is just water. And the ocean is full of it and mixed in with a salty taste. It didn't necessarily hold much significance to her as much as it did to Mikasa.
“Watching the water really clears your head?” Annie glanced over at Mikasa, her blue eyes lingered around Mikasa’s bangs then looked away to the scene in front of her. “There is nothing much to look at.”
Mikasa sighed a silent breath before she looked at her feet. She sinks the soles of her boots into the sand, feeling around the sensation of it encasing her shoes. “That's not the point. It's calming.”
“..Ah. Right. It’s just that.. The ocean is just made up of water mixed with salt. I see no significance in it.” Annie mumbled. It was true, she really didn't. It was fascinating to see it at first when she was a bit younger, but now it's just nothing but water.
“You just don't get it!” Mikasa spat out, tone more defensive than she anticipated it to sound. A bit embarrassed, she stops and unconsciously covers her mouth with the crimson scarf.
Annie squinted her eyes at the outburst.
Taking a breather, Mikasa makes a steady intake of air before giving Annie a side stare. “Why are you even talking about the ocean?” She inquired. Now it was her turn to ask the questions. Even if she wasn't particularly in the mood too, she might as well take the opportunity to make uncomfortable silence into something else.
There seemed to be a cycle of silence and talking between them as Annie also takes a few moments to answer back. “Because we are right in front of it.” Her voice was cold and blunt. And admittedly, it stung Mikasa a little bit and deterred her.
“You don't have to give me the cold attitude you know.” She states bitterly.
“Youre the one who asked.” Annie turned around with a certain look. ‘What did I do??’
Mikasa also turns her head around and frowns with a displeased glare. “I’m just saying how you don't have to be so cold all the time!” Her boots dig a little more into the sand.
Annie stares at Mikasa as if the other was going mad. “I really am not.”
There is a staring contest between the two. It was uncomfortable and long and just went on for an absurd amount of time that didn't need to happen. Yet neither of them wanted to look away and break the tension.
During this time Annie was just examining Mikasa’s face. She had soft skin, dark eyes that showed both kindness and silent brutality. Her hair is longer and is free down her shoulders, but still maintains its shape like in the past with the bangs. Annie unknowingly looks away, giving the victory to Mikasa.
“..You were thinking about him.” Annie pipes up suddenly, tone mellow as if it was a secret. “Werent you?”
Taken back by the question, Mikasa blinks in surprise then fixes her expression before watching some clouds move by. “So what if I was? What's it to you?” Mikasa answered. For some reason, the feeling of unease and rising irritation begins gnawing at her rationality and socializing skills.
“Nothing. It’s just an observation.” Annie replied back, her calmness contrasted Mikasa’s growing emotions. “So don’t get so defensive about it.” She snarked.
Mikasa lets out a frustrated grunt, standing up off the draft wood. She takes a few steps away from Annie, soles sinking into the plush, ever changing sand. The wind picked up a little bit, notifying those outside of changing temperatures and of the setting sun. Which had painted the sky a calm and majestic gradient of purples, blues and pinks.
“I’m not getting defensive!” Mikasa shot back behind her, clutching at her scarf as her long ebony hair blew about her.
“That’s what a person who is getting defensive would say.” Annie sighed and pulled her grey zip-up closer to her chin. She analyzes Mikasa’s figure against the setting yet brightly shining sun.
Mikasa is older now after all. She was bound to get more pleasing to the eyes. And maybe to the ears as well.
“So why are you lying?” She follows up.
Something about her calm replies seemed to have an effect on Mikasa. But that was just Annie’s personality and how she talks to everyone. Even then, she just wishes the blonde would be less frigid and more sensitive to those around her.
“I’m not lying.” Mikasa answered back rather quickly. It was a move to save face, and to not show how much Annie was having an affect on her.
“About getting defensive or about Eren?”
“...” Her fiery replies have been quickly stunted. Why was Mikasa feeling this way? If anything she was making a fool out of herself for behaving this way; in front of Annie of all people too.
She swallowed down her wonders and unease once again. At this point she might need some water. “..It’s just..” Mikasa pauses. Her eyes turn their gaze out into the vast ocean. It was like a painting now. The blue water now mixed and blurry with colors of orange and pink. The sky was reflecting off the water, creating the image of infinite wonder and dream.
“..This sunset… This sky.. The ocean.. Eren would love this particular one..” Mikasa says rather solemnly. Maybe some walls are coming down despite Annie’s tones and bothersome behaviors. “I just.. I still wish and dream that things went differently. I wish we all didn’t have to kill him..”
Her hand tightens on the rough red fabric strewn around her neck. “Even then.. I was the one to kill him. Me. I swore to protect him, and keep him out of harm's way. Yet I was the one to be the harm..!”
Before she could control it, Mikasa had stringed together the thoughts that had been gnawing away her morality and wished to continue fulfilling her life with happiness. And her emotions and vulnerability shined through.
“I-I..” Mikasa’s voice cracked as she gathered her thoughts and organized herself. “..And yet I had to kill him. I loved him but I killed him. I killed him but I never hated him. And I feel.. That was so much worse.” She begins to cry once more, back still turned to the silence behind her. Today on this lovely sunset, Mikasa cries her reserve of unshed tears. Because she couldn't cry when she beheaded Eren, everything for her was numb and locked down in those moments.
“..It was all in the name of humanity and I did it. I had to overcome my immense love for him, and turn it into a right of passage of acceptance and…” Mikasa trailed off with a sniffle, and because of that she never finished her thought. Her back is like a shield, protecting her face and for those around to see her internal suffering that has been slowly killing her all these years.
She shook her head and hung it low, staring at the sand. Her vision was blurry and watery. There were little water droplets that fell down to the soft sand. Mikasa wipes her face but the water seems to be infinite. Like the ocean.
The whole time Annie was just sitting on the dry, dead wood. There were a lot of different things Mikasa was emotionally revealing, and because of that there was a little delay in formulating any thoughts.
“Yeah.. Having to kill Eren wasn't the ideal situation for any of us to be in.” Annie started out quietly, as the situation has grown quite tense and fragile. The sounds of Mikasa sobbing away from her also irked a reaction in her heart.
“When I had planned to take Eren back to Marley, it was never my intention to kill him. I never wanted to and never did.” Her tone was still blunt and to the point, voice unwavering yet was also showing herself with some walls coming down.
“And.. Even if he was just a mission to me. A goal. He was a friend, a comrade I had trained with, and spent time with as well.” Her sweater strings danced around in the wind. “I wanted to protect my father and humanity, but in my own way. I wanted to kill two birds with one stone, capture Eren so he doesn't create much harm, and to return to my father proud and fulfilled.”
“But.. That didn't mean that the plan didn't hurt.” Annie mumbled softly. “At first when I first set out to capture Eren to take him back to Marley, it was just a mission and he was the goal. But as time went by in the Survey Corps.. I realized that he was an opponent worth fighting and training with. And I consider him a great comrade and regret putting him and others in distress for my reasons."
Mikasa was listening as she just calmed herself down by now. Her tears are dry as the air turns crisp as nightfall encases the two figures on the beach. There was barely any light now by the sun, making way for the presence of the moonlight. Even as she listened quietly as Annie did for her, she also couldn't make up a response to any of that. Which ended the heartfelt confessions at an awkward pause. Annie notices of course, but doesn't seem to mind. After all, the two ladies weren't particularly one to show their feelings and emotional burdens with others. Let alone to themselves especially.
“I know everyone is hurting. Yet I feel like.. The whole time I was the only one who was suffering.” Mikasa mumbled as her chest got tight. “No one ever talks about him and they all seem like they just moved on so easily!” She knew she sounded selfish to think that way, knowing it's not true. “..And I have to be strong for both Eren and myself, and yet I can't even do that-!” Her voice cracked out of emotional frustration with herself.
There is a pause for either of their thoughts to be collected. “..Everyone deals with grief differently, but I get what you mean.” Annie states. “It must be difficult; having to continue your life with the weight of it not being the ideal one.”
Mikasa glanced behind her at Annie with a solemn face before she stared out into the distance, hair not flowing as much anymore as the winds had calmed down for now. Despite both sharing their heartfelt feelings and being vulnerable with each other, Mikasa still doesn't feel the burden lighten up, and instead remains in her body like a disease.
For the next few minutes Mikasa thinks about the rest of her future, and if she can really relieve herself of this pain and the heavy toll it comes with. She feels her face tighten and fold as the waves in the water grow calmer with softer crashes. Her eyes close at the sounds of the wind gliding on top of the water, and the sand shifting beneath her weight. It was then a pair of strong arms encased her from behind. The pressure was comfortable but awkward, yet warm at the same time. Mikasa’s breath hitches as her body tensed before it relaxed at two birds flying next to each other and heading into the moon.
“He would've loved it..” Mikasa whispered out softly as her hands went up to squeeze the wrist of the one holding her body. Her mind reeled but that was the only thing she could say at the moment. It was confusing, but she welcomed this complex emotion.
A chin rests on Mikasa’s shoulder as something wet dripped down onto her red scarf. Came one, then came two. It was quiet, but it was loud against the oceans waves.