Chapter Text
Hao took another deep breath. Let out another. All the while keeping count. Breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, and exhale for eight. He started feeling lightheaded so often ever since he heard the news. He’d told his therapist about it and was tasked to practice relaxation as often as he could. “You’re panicking,” she said.
Rightfully so, Hao thought.
Bet you would be if you have to do this too.
A knock made Hao jumped on his seat. “30 seconds, Hao.” That was his manager. That was his sign to get his shit together. That was his death’s call. Well, maybe that’s a little too harsh. He’s just meeting his old members. The people he loved so dearly. The one he’d started his dream with. It should be fine.
Despite filling his head with a constant stream of ‘it’ll be fine’ and forcing a smile, Hao’s knees still buckled when he left the car. His destination is still a few feet away. A staff walked in front, looking back at him once in a while. He walked somewhat slowly. Perhaps it’s due to the weight of the suitcase. Perhaps it’s just his body slowing down, dreading what’s to come.
Hao soon saw the house, the location of the shoot.
His first thought was, “How evil.”
It was a white two-story house with blue accents. Its door painted blue. The memory had somewhat faded into the back of his mind, but Hao’s pretty sure this is almost exactly like the house they had in their last concert. They went through the door one by one as an end to the era. Now, they’re asking him to go back in, to restart.
He was the last to leave.
This time, he’s the last to enter.
Hao took another deep breath and plastered a smile on his face as he stepped into the porch. From this point on, his every reaction, every step, would be recorded for the show. He’d have to maintain this smile.
Just pretend it’s another acting gig, he thought as he opened the door.
Hao was greeted by their voices. Nostalgia hit him like a truck. It felt like coming home to his old dorm room. Like entering the practice room. He could hear Gunwook and Gyuvin bickering. Already, because of course they do. Taerae’s laughter filled the room.
Hao closed the door behind him and walked slowly towards the living room. Immediately, the members cried out. A few of them running towards him, enveloping him in a bear hug. Laughter tumbled out of Hao, no acting needed. He felt warm with their hugs, greetings, and questions.
It felt like he was back to where he was a few years ago.
It felt right. Like home.
“I miss you so much!” Matthew repeated for what seemed to be the fifth time. Hao laughed, “I miss you, too!” He was then ushered towards the sofa. His suitcase taken by Jiwoong to be settled in a blind corner, away from the camera. Hao joined the conversations all around him.
Answered how’s he’s been. “All good”. Somewhat a lie.
Agreed on how he’s been waiting for this reunion. Also, somewhat a lie.
Said the house is really pretty. This time the truth.
His words fall out easily. His smile still on, it no longer felt like he’s faking it. He feels right at home. Like they’re back to when they lived and worked together. He shouldn’t have been so afraid. Everyone seems fine. They’re not awkward. It didn’t feel like they were forcing themselves to be happy to see him. This would be a good few days of shoot.
That was until Hao heard his voice.
“Ah, everyone’s finally here!”
Hao looked to his right. Hanbin was standing at the doorway leading to the backyard. Their eyes met and Hanbin immediately looked away. Not a smile, not anger, or hurt was seen in his eyes. Hao had no idea what it was he wished for or imagined their reunion would be like. But it wasn’t this. It wasn’t indifference.
He watched Hanbin enter the room. Easily taking place inside their circle. Instantly locked in, reading the script shown by the staff to start off the show. Slipping back into his role as their leader, like it was just another day of work. This too, should’ve fit right into the feeling of home. The last piece of puzzle to finally be whole. Instead, Hao felt like his entrance changed everything. Now, it felt like he’s in enemy territory.
Hao was so ready to go straight home after the photoshoot. Though of course, there’s a meeting he must attend. For some reason these meetings always happened when he’s most exhausted. It’s all just for show. Formality. They would tell him about all his future schedules. Acting as if he had any word about it. He would just nod. His company now had been nice. Compared to the two he’d been at, of course this one’s better. They usually book him schedules without his approval, though for the last three years, everything had been well thought out. Every comeback, OSTs, dramas, and brand deals. His opinion only asked when it was about his album. Other than that, he just nodded and accept everything.
They’d been listing schedules for the next few months. Just the usuals. Then he heard it.
“Next, it’s ZEROBASEONE’s 10th year anniversary soon.”
Hao blinked a few times. It’s been that long?
“The companies are currently still discussing the date for the shoot, but here’s what we know so far. Mnet wants to make a variety show. A reunion of the members. A three days trip. Nothing too complicated, just talking, maybe a few games, but overall, just a trip.”
“Oh. Okay.” That was all Hao managed to say. Inside though, so many thoughts came up, running around. His head hurts suddenly. Maybe all his little cells are screeching and hitting the walls of his brain or something.
Even once he came back to his room, Hao’s head still spins around. He laid in his bed, tried to sleep and failed miserably. Memories of the group and the members kept coming up one after another. Emotions bubbled. Happiness, perhaps, he would be meeting them again soon. It’s been so long since they last met. Even then, it was never a full group meet up. Fear, too. After everything, would it feel the same when they reunited? Guilt, of course. He had been one of the reason the group’s further divide after their disbandment. He was the first to constantly reject meet-ups invitations. He was the one avoiding them, avoiding him. Hao wondered if he even had the right to join the reunion. Anger, then came along. It wasn’t just his fault. It was his fault as much as it was Hao’s, right?
A notification cut through Hao’s spiraling thoughts.
Gyuvin: Hyung
Gyuvin: Have you heard the news?
Gyuvin: If not then, never mind
Gyuvin: Tell me when you do
Hao: What are you talking about?
Gyuvin: 10th year
Hao: Oh. Yeah, I’ve heard
Gyuvin: Okay good!
Gyuvin: It’s good right?
Gyuvin: I mean for you
Gyuvin: Are you good?
Hao: Why wouldn’t I?
If Gyuvin saw through his bullshit, he didn’t say. He went straight to talking excitedly about meeting the others. Talking about the other members, most of whom Hao hadn’t been keeping contact with, and how they’ve been. Except for one, because of course Gyuvin didn’t mention him. It’s not like Hao cared. If he did, he could just search up his name. But he didn’t. He came close to doing it a few times over the past few years, always stopping in time, thankfully. Later, though, he’d eventually know. He’d see him again. Probably had to greet each other or even have a conversation.
Hao sighed. The wait for that day would torture him. He both anticipated it and dreaded it. It wasn’t just because of him. It was because of everyone else too. Meeting them again, what would be their reception of him? Would they avoid him, like he did? Would they ignore him, like he did? Would they be glad to see him again?
Gyuvin at least, would be. Yujin and Ricky, too.
Jiwoong, no matter his opinion on what happened, would be civil.
Gunwook and Matthew were a maybe.
Taerae would either welcome them both warmly or call them both stupid.
And Hanbin. Hao imagined, Hanbin would greet him just like one would usually greet their ex. Annoyed, maybe. Sad, maybe. Actually, Hao rather it be anything within the anger spectrum. It would hurt, sure. But it would make Hao feel better to be angry at him. Hao blinked away the memories of their last talk—their fight. Yes, it’s best if he were hostile towards Hao. It shouldn’t be sadness he showed while Hao felt anger boiling inside him. Shouldn’t be like their last meeting. Even if it was sadness Hao felt later, Hanbin should still feel angry. Hao deserved that anger.