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"Okay, I've got a good one this time."
Ranma and Hiroshi look up from their desks to stare at Daisuke sitting across from them.
"Alright, I'll bite. What is it?" Ranma says. They're all in classroom 1-F, the desks having been rearranged so each friend group is in its own little bubble. Ranma's friend group is, of course, arranged in a triangle— the most manly of shapes.
They're all just trying to pass the time, half the class stopping whatever they're doing to stare at the clock every few seconds just in case someone spontaneously learned a hidden temporal displacement technique. Ms. Hinako hasn't arrived yet and it's already five minutes past starting time, meaning they only need to wait ten more minutes before they're allowed to go home.
Still, fifteen minutes is a long time, and morale was already starting to waver as the clock slowly ticks past the three minute mark. Whatever dumb hypothetical Daisuke has to offer has to be better than nothing, even if the last six attempts have been complete duds.
"Okay so like, image you've got this button. And if you press it, you turn into a girl. Would you press it?" Daisuke leans forward, eagerly awaiting the answer to one of life's greatest questions that he found while browsing Reddit the previous night.
Then he remembers he's missed a key component, a warding spell to defend against all harm, "Hypothetically, I mean."
"Dude." Ranma gives him a flat stare.
"Yea?"
"I already turn into a girl pretty much every day. I can't stop turning into a girl. Satan already has my button and he just keeps pressing it."
Daisuke leans back, a smirk on his face as he pretends Ranma fell into some clever trap instead of that Daisuke forgot a fundamental aspect of his friend's life. "Okay, but here's the twist. You press the button, and you're a girl. Forever. No curse or anything. Hypothetically."
"Dai."
"Yes?"
"That has literally. Already happened. Remember the Cat's Tongue?"
"The what?"
"The— Dai, I was a girl for a whole month. I couldn't touch warm water without burning myself. I had to beat the old crone at a beach battle an' everything. There was— she was riding a shark. You were there."
Okay, thinking back on it Daisuke can vaguely remember… Well, there were a lot of girls in swimsuits. And they were running around smashing watermelons or something like that. There was also lot of homoerotic tension going on between Akane and the purple-haired chick so honestly he had other priorities on his mind at the time.
Luckily, Daisuke's 'Martial Arts Bullshittery' technique (and if you slap Martial Arts in front of it in Nerima, that's how you know it's legit) is unmatched, "Yep, totally remember. That's why there's a twist on the twist! You press the button, and you're a girl forever. And get this— after you press it everyone thinks you were born a girl and treats you accordingly, no fuss. Hypothetically."
Now that sends Ranma reeling. He actually has to sit back, rubbing his chin as he considers what must be one of the greatest Martial Arts Philosophy hypotheticals of the modern era. "Well… I wouldn't have to care about bein' a 'man among men' anymore… an' I could wear all the cute clothes I want… an' eat parfaits… an' scammin'd be so much easier if I ain't gotta worry 'bout bein' splashed… I'm not really seein' a downside here? Hypothetically."
Daisuke immediately nods along, "Hypothetically."
And really, what downsides could there be? Being a man was a challenge, one that Ranma was born into, one that Ranma won't back down from because Ranma Saotome doesn't lose. But if he could press a button that made is so he never had to accept that challenge in the first place… Why not?
Ranma slams a fist on his palm, "Wait, I figured out the downside! I can't like girls if I'm a girl! Y'know,"
All three boys invoke the warding spell together this time, "Hypothetically."
Immediately after, though, Hiroshi nudges his shoulder, "Ranma."
"Yea?"
"Obama is president, gay marriage is legal now."
"Oh yea! Alright, I would totally press the button." Ranma looks back towards Daisuke with a smug grin on his face, expecting to see him nodding along to his flawless logic. Instead, he's staring into Ranma's soul with a frown.
"Duuuuude…"
"Y-yes?" Ranma fidgets in his seat. Did he say something wrong? Is- is Akane listening over his shoulder? Wait, Ranma didn't say hypothetically—
"… We live in Japan."
"Oh." Ranma and Hiroshi both deflate in their seats, and Daisuke isn't much better off.
How could a country not want girls to kiss? It's like, the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, sometimes Daisuke just eats the different parts of his sandwich separately, no sliced bread needed, but he can't live without his daily yuri binge.
After a few seconds of mourning their collective lost innocence in the face of not living in the U.S. of A, a country with a stellar history of LGBTQ+ rights that couldn't possibly be threatened by a backslide into domestic fascism, Ranma pipes up. "Okay, but hypothetically would you press it?" He points at Daisuke without raising himself up from his slumped position.
"The Button That Makes You a Girl?"
"Yea of course The Button That Makes You a Girl!"
"Well yea, obviously in a completely hypothetical situation, I would press The Button That Makes You a Girl. Hiroshi?" Daisuke turns the question towards the only member of their cishetero male troika who hasn't answered.
"Well hypothetically, I think anypony would press The Button That Makes You a Girl. Why wouldn't they?"
"Dude," Daisuke interjects.
"What?"
"The girl kissing thing, we literally just talked about it."
"Okay, but consider this…" Hiroshi sits up straight in his chair, hands extended out like he's about to shape invisible pottery or appear in a stock photo labeled Japanese Business Proposal Man, "… Doesn't it being kind of illegal make it better?"
Ranma looks like he's about to object, but Daisuke raises his hand in a stopping motion, "No wait, I wanna see where he's going with this."
"Okay so like, society is always telling us not to do stuff, right? Everypony is always saying shit like 'no you can't take your GameBoy to bed', 'no you can't spend all day lying face-down on the couch', 'no you can't dip your Oreos in curry.' But all of that stuff is cool and good actually, like, Oreos are sweet and curry is sweet, but there's also this nice savory element and it all comes together really nicely with the chocolate, right?"
"Yea!" Akane, who is sitting across the room talking with Sayuri and Yuka, loudly proclaims before realizing she has no idea why she did or what she just agreed with, "Wait, what are you guys talking about?" Akane leaves her seats and joins the RoMAN triumvirate, standing by Ranma's desk.
Hiroshi turns in his seat to address her, "The Button That Makes You a Girl."
"Uh huh." She looks down at the trifecta of boyishness sitting before her, and especially Ranma, unimpressed.
"Hypothetically!" Ranma pipes up and the other boys nod along.
"And all of you would do what with it… hypothetically?" Akane asks, eyes narrowed.
"Well uh, press it? Like Hiroshi was just sayin', I think any man would press it. Hypothetically." Ranma wilts a little bit under Akane's suspicious look, but he feels confident that he's right.
"Uh. Huh," Akane says again, this time dragging it out as though she's putting doubt on their flawless logic. "Alright, so if I ask any boy if they would press the button, they'll say yes?"
"Hypothetically," Ranma confirms.
"Yes, 'hypothetically'," Akane turns to ask another named male character in the room if they would agree and finds there's only one, "Hey, Gosunkugi!"
"W-huh?" Gosunkugi's head flies up from where he'd been hunching over his desk. As he does, he drops the wooden pigtail-haired doll and the lit match he held in his hands. "Me?" he points at himself in sheer disbelief. "You're talking to meeeeee- ow, shit shit shit!" Gosunkugi flies out of his chair in a panic, beating out a flame that started on his shirt sleeve. "Y- you were saying?" He approaches the group, arm only slightly singed.
"If you could press a button that would make you a girl, would you?"
"The- well, I…" Gosunkugi thinks about the Furinkan girl's uniform he has in his closet. The one he was given so he could pretend to be Akane as bait for one of Kuno's traps. The one he never got rid of after the fact even though he's told himself he would at least once a week. The one he wore when he cried for the first time in years, staring at his broken reflection in the mirror. "… Uuuuh, no?"
Akane motions towards him, assured in her victory, "See? Not everyone would—"
"Wait! That's not the full question!" Daisuke interjects before pointing at the loner goth kid, "Gosunwhatsit, if you could press a button that turns you into a girl permanently, and it makes it so everyone think you've always been a girl, would you press it? Hypothetically?"
Gosunkugi considers it again. If it was like he was born a girl… And, of course, hypothetically… "Oh, then yes, I think I would."
Akane deflates beside him and suddenly Gosunkugi feels like he needs to correct himself, "B-but wait, maybe not! I- if I pressed the button then I wouldn't be able to uh…" he fishes through his mind for a reason, any reason at all, "… kiss girls?"
"Ugh, no," Daisuke groans, "We literally just talking about this. Hiroshi, tell 'im!"
Hiroshi resumes his Business Proposal position, now ready to make his pitch to two extra student. "Okay, so if you're a girl and you want to kiss girls, hypothetically, and society is telling you no, that just makes it better. Society is always telling us to not do things that are actually fun, right? And there's this, this added forbidden element to it too, like if you do it and enjoy it you're also giving a big ol' 'buck you' to all the neighsayers."
Akane, blushing furiously, opens her mouth to cut in, but Daisuke comes in faster and louder, "Wait wait wait. Hold your horses, what did you just say?"
"What? Fuck you to all the naysayers?" Hiroshi tilts his head, confused.
"No you did not say that, I can read. You said buck the neighsayers."
"No I didn't."
"Yes, you did. And…" Daisuke scrolls back up, "Dude, you said anypony. You said anypony."
"N-no I didn't," Hiroshi is sweating now, the hands that were once helping him secure billions of Yen in series A capital funding, now rubbing over themselves as he fidgets under Daisuke's glare.
Daisuke fully gets up from his seat and jumps over it to stand in the center of their brodacious triangle. Then he crouches down so he's at eye-level with Hiroshi, staring into his soul. "Twilight Sparkle is a fucking loser. Rainbow Dash doesn't know what loyalty is. Nobody cares about Applejack. Fluttershy is a—"
"You keep her name out of your mouth!" Hiroshi is up from his chair now too, gripping Daisuke's uniform by the lapels and pulling him up into the air.
Daisuke just gives him a cheeky grin, "I gotcha, Brony."
"I… No, I…" Hiroshi stutters out, arms shaking as he strains to keep Daisuke hovering just barely above the ground.
"I'm glad it happened when it did, too. If you got this violent over somepony like Rarity we'd have had a problem."
Hiroshi gasps and lets Daisuke go. Slowly, like a spooked animal, he curls one hand into a fist and reaches out with it, "B- brohoof?"
Daisuke's grin grows wider as he forms a fist— no, a hoof— of his own and bumps it against Hiroshi's, "Buck yea, brohoof!"
"i- i'm a big fan of twilight sparkle myself…" Gosunkugi's voice tries to cut in, but it is only a droplet in the endlessly flowing sea that is Hiroshi and Daisuke's brotherly bond. Sparkles run across their skin as something deep within, the magic of friendship buried inside each of them, bursts its way to the surface. Music swells around them as they prepare to let out their feelings through song, and Hiroshi opens his mouth to—
The door to the classroom opens and the music cuts off. Everybody in the room tenses, then relaxes, then tenses again as they realize it isn't their homeroom teacher coming in ten minutes late, but rather Tatewaki Kuno, age 17, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School.
"I, Tatewaki Kuno age—" Kuno stops as his eyes land on the text above. He grumbles for a moment before continuing, "Fate may have deprived me of my introduction speech, but it hath not deprived me of my purpose!"
"Yo Kuno, who's best pony?" Daisuke calls out, hoping to catch him off guard.
"Rainbow Dash," Kuno says without missing a beat, causing Daisuke to wilt, "Moving on, I have come to deliver a missive! Ms. Hinako hath been lain low by that great equalizer, the wretched 'tummy ache'. As there are no suitable substitutes in place, in five minutes, in accordance with the Great Tardy Edict promulgated by Emperor Murakami in the Tenryaku Era, you shall all be free to leave."
Just as it seems like Kuno is about to leave himself, message successfully delivered, Akane calls out, "Wait, upperclassman Kuno, we have a question for you!"
"Of course!" Kuno whips back around with an eager grin on his face. Akane instantly feels regret. "For you, dearest Akane, the entirety of the Kuno family archives are open to you, the wits of the sharpest samurai since Saigō Takamori are ever at your disposal! Prithee, all you must do is ask."
Kuno bows towards Akane, awaiting whatever problem she might ask about. Perhaps she wants to know how to finally escape that wicked sorcerer Ranma, or what his favorite flowers are, or how they might legalize polyamory together so that Kuno can worship both her and the pigtailed girl without fear of the government seeking to rip his heart in twain.
After a few seconds of awkward silence, Akane flicks Daisuke, "You ask him."
"Alright, alright, jeeze…" Daisuke rubs his injured shoulder, "Kuno, if you could press a button that turns you into a girl-"
"Yes."
"- and it, wait, Kuno, you didn't let me finish the question."
"I already know of the question you wish to ask, do you think me daft?" Kuno asks, then plows ahead before everyone can answer 'yes', "The famous 'Button That Makes You a Girl' hypothetical is one I have studied at great lengths, as any young man of noble character should. Were it that such a button existed, which would bend reality to its whims and reshape past and future such that I were always a lady of House Kuno, I would press it without hesitation."
"But what about-" Daisuke attempted to cut in again.
But Kuno deflects, "The girl-kisser problem, yes, of course. Do you not think that I would consider every avenue in such a hypothetical? Were I a lady, I would proudly frolic amongst the lilies, admiring the delicate petals kept secure within my walled garden. And if others would oppose me, I would say fie to them! To fight for one's love, whether against dark sorceries or against society itself is the highest honor one can ask for."
Everyone stares at him, varying levels of surprise across their faces. Even Akane looks for a moment like she's almost, almost reconsidering her opinion of him. But she thinks better of it and gets back to the conversation at hand, "So… Every guy would press The Button That Makes You a Girl? Really?"
Akane looks around the room for anyone who might still disagree. A few classmates do chime in claiming they wouldn't press the button, but they don't have names and are thus disregarded.
After a few more seconds of nobody of value saying anything, Ranma speaks up, "Listen 'Kane, I don't see what the problem is. If you could press The Button That Makes You a Guy would you press it?"
Akane's face scrunches up like she's bitten into something sour, "Ew, no."
"Exactly!" Ranma slaps his desk, "So if even a tomboy like you wouldn't want to be a guy, why would anybody else? Hypothetically."
Akane whaps him on the back of the head, "Jerk!" But then, she actually stops and considers the slightly less dumbassed part of his words. "It can't possibly be true that every guy would press The Button That Makes You a Girl. What would even be the point of guys if every single one of them would press it? It just… It doesn't make sense."
"Well, the Buddha did say something about how all life is suffering, right?" Hiroshi answers. He almost wilts under the attention once again directed his way, but Daisuke puts an arm on his shoulder and empowers him with friendship, "So it's like… Being a man is also suffering. And The Button That Makes You a Girl is like… The escape from the cycle of mansara, the attainment of Girlvana."
All the guys nod along, but Akane still isn't entirely convinced, "Okay, but—"
Suddenly the ceiling above the group of modern-day philosophers collapses and a dust-covered Shampoo lands perfectly with her feet balanced between two of the desks, "Ni hao, Airen!" Then she dusts off her shoulders, letting her gaze wander across the rest until it lands squarely on Daisuke who is cowering directly below her in the gap between desks, "Ni hao… others."
"Shampoo? What are you doing here?" Ranma asks, instantly ready to fight and/or lie and/or tactically retreat his way through whatever weird challenge she might throw his way.
"Well I was just passing through when I heard you talking about The Button That Makes You a Girl."
"Passing through in the ceiling?" Akane objects.
"Yes, Pervert Girl. Try to keep up." As Shampoo addresses her, Daisuke awkwardly crawls his way out from between the desks.
Once Daisuke is standing again, he asks, "So you know about The Button That Makes You a Girl?"
"Know about it? Of course I know about it! It is an Ancient Amazonian artifact, we keep it in the Nekohanten basement with all of the others"
"Say hypothetically. Say hypothetically right now," Hiroshi grips the edges of his desk so hard his knuckles begin to turn white. Daisuke is staring up at her, mouth agape like he's witnessed an angel come down from Heaven. Ranma is already half way out of his chair, while Gosunkugi and Kuno have a head-start and are already half way towards the door.
"Hypothetically," Shampoo says, and the men around her slump down in a mix of relief and some uncomfortable and weighty feeling none of them can possibly describe. "I do not know why it is important to say that, but I can show it to you if you would like— especially you, Airen." Shampoo crouches down towards Ranma's desk and flutters her eyes at him.
"R-really? You're not just tricking me, right? The Button That Makes You a Girl is real, and you have it?" Ranma asks. For some reason, some very hypothetical reason, he needs to know. Desperately. He needs to know more than he ever needed to know how to get rid of the Cat's Tongue that kept him heat-sensitive and locked in his girl form.
"Yes, Airen. Not only do we have it at the Nekohanten… I've used it myself."
Ranma should already be well on his way to the Nekohanten by now, but he's too stunned to move. "You… Really?" Then another thought strikes him like a thunderbolt, combo'ing him into a stunlock, "Wait, did you press the button before or after we met?"
Shampoo's smile turns smug and catlike in a way that sends chills down Ranma's spine, "That is the magic of The Button. You will never know."
Moments later, one of the unnamed students around them suddenly cries out, "It's 7:15, we can leave!"
The students of class 1-F, upon their hour of liberation, arise almost as one body, one soul, and run en masse for the doorway to freedom. As the classroom shakes from the power of their stomping feet and cries of joy, Shampoo goes tumbling from her perch and into the waiting, unimpressed arms of Akane.
It's just the opportunity Ranma needs.
Not chancing it with the crushing mass of humanity forcing itself through the doorway, Ranma runs straight for the window and jumps through, uncaring of the screams from both Akane and Shampoo behind him.
Ranma lands on his feet, surrounded by shattered glass, and begins running like his life depends on it. Hypothetically. His life hypothetically depends on it. Because until he has The Button That Makes You a Girl in his hands, it's all hypothetical. And it will also all be hypothetical when he presses the button, just to check that it works.
As he runs, he hears the other guys, his fellow philosophers and travelers of the hypothetical, chasing after him. But they don't have his speed. They haven't spent a full decade of their life, far away from a home and mother they were too young to even recognize, training to be a man among men. A man among men who would, like any other true man, smash that button without a single bit of hesitation.
Hype.
Oh.
Thetically.
Ranma blows through the Nekohanten entrance, blows through the curtains separating the kitchen from the serving area, blows past Cologne, blows past Shampoo's unnamed dad.
Before he or anyone else even has time to process it, he's standing in the middle of the Nekohanten basement, tearing through boxes of artifacts.
The Flute That Cures Cancer
No
The Lollipop That Whispers Dark Thoughts
No
The Mysterious White Powder That Makes You Say 'woagh'
woagh
Until finally, Ranma finds it at the bottom of a box, right next to an Ancient Amazonian can of Pepsi. A single red button with the character 女, woman, emblazoned across it in bold white print.
Gently, like it's his own child, Ranma picks up the button and cradles it in his arms. Then he hears it, the stampede of people running across the Nekohanten over his head.
If he's going to press it…
If he's going to, hypothetically, turn into a girl, just to test it, of course…
He needs to do it.
Now.
He smashes his palm down on the button and the basement fills with a blinding white light.
A warm feeling spreads across Ranma's skin, and he… No, she smiles as the transformation, a permanent transformation, takes hold. She can almost imagine the very threads of destiny themselves bending to the button's will, looping and tying themselves into knots to reconcile Ranma's life of training and scammed fiancees with being seen as a girl from birth.
Ranma opens her eyes just as a voice echoes through the basement, as warm and inviting as the feeling coursing through her body.
"Congratulations. You're a girl now. You might not feel much different yet, but that's okay. Only a girl would have wanted to click that button. That means you're a girl on the inside, through and through. If you need permission to live your life as a woman, you have it. If this is—"
Wait.
Wait wait wait.
The Button That Makes You a Girl isn't supposed to be about permission. It isn't supposed to be about being a girl on the inside. It's supposed to turn her completely into a girl without her having to face any of the deep thoughts and potential societal consequences that go with that decision!
She opens her eyes and looks down at her body. It's the same, the same boy arms with boy hands and boyish black hair growing all long it. The button didn't even put her- him into his female form!
This is bullshit!
Complete and utter bullshit!
The Button That Makes You a Girl didn't even do anything!
No, Ranma should be happy. He just wanted to test it to see if it actually worked. He can't actually become a girl, it's all just… Hypothetical.
Not real.
Not anything.
He just…
"Daughter-in-law."
He shouldn't have…
"Daughter-in-law."
Why couldn't it have stayed a hypothetical?
"Daughter-in-law!"
Ranma snaps out of his fugue state and looks down. Cologne is standing right in front of him, and in her hands is…
The Button. But this time, it's blue.
"I think you were looking for this." Cologne says, and before she can even think to hide it away and make an entire three-chapter training arc out of Ranma needing to steal it, Ranma swipes it from her hand.
And.
Smashes it.
The world goes white again, and Ranko smiles.
"Okay, I've got a good one this time."
Ranko rolls her eyes. Daika always thinks she has a 'good one this time', when really she's just spouting off whatever nonsense just popped into her head. Last week's question about The Button That Makes You a Girl was a fluke, especially since Ranko had definitely been the only member of their trio back then who could actually answer it, even if neither Daika nor Hiromi will ever remember it due to the Button's powers.
As Daika rattles off whatever new hypothetical she's come up with to pass the time, Ranko lets her eyes wander around the classroom.
Her, Daika, and Hiromi are all sat in their own corner, desks arranged in a triangle— the most feminine of shapes. Daika's hands move wildly as she spouts off, uncaring to the fact that only half of her audience is listening. Hiromi, watching her like she's hanging the stars in the sky instead of asking 'what if macaroni was called stewartroni', is apparently audience enough.
Across a sea of unnamed student characters Ranko catches sight of Akane's friend group arranged into the second most feminine of shapes, the square. They're all watching Hikari Gosunkugi, the weird witchy girl that sometimes joins them, shuffling through a new tarot deck. Akane laughs at something Yuka says and Ranko can't help the slight blush that spreads across her own cheeks. Maybe someday, hypothetically…
Suddenly the classroom door bursts open and everyone tenses, then relaxes, then tenses again as they realize it's not their homeroom teacher coming in, but rather Yumi Kuno, age 17, the White Lily® of Furinkan High School. (She fought hard to get that name trademarked registered— she beat Asuka Saginomiya in that Martial Arts Lawsuit fair and square!)
"I, Yumi Kuno…"
Ranko groans and slams her head back down on her desk as Kuno runs through whatever new and dramatic pronouncement she has for that day.
In the end, it's just another average morning at Furinkan High School.