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Bode knew his mind was made up when Cere Junda agreed to go with them to Tanalorr. Intent to find some calm before the storm, he stayed by the dying campfire as everyone else retreated back into the Archive.
That is, everyone except Cal.
“We did it, Bode.”
“Yeah, compass is gonna be good as new.” Bode replied, his mask falling back into place almost too naturally as his mark approached him.
“Something’s bothering you.” Cal noticed.
Bode chuckled, shaking his head in what he hoped was a casual way as he attempted to dispel some of his nerves.
“You know me too well, Scrapper.”
Cal’s nickname had come so easily to Bode ever since the younger man had made that part of his story known on Coruscant.
If only Bode could focus on his mission now as well as he did back then.
“I’m just…thinking about Kata.” he continued. Half-truths were easier to manage than all-out lies right now.
He wished he could be thinking about Kata right now, instead of his impending call to the Empire. Suddenly desperate to give Cal another try, he continued.
“Maybe the two of us should go scout out Tanalorr, make sure it’s safe before the others join.”
Cal looked off to the right, something he did when he had already made up his mind but was pretending to still be thinking it over in order to not hurt Bode’s feelings.
But Bode knew better.
“The sooner we get the Hidden Path set up there, the better.” Cal said finally.
Though he had already known the scrapper’s answer, Bode’s heart still sank, and he nodded.
“Yeah.” he muttered, downtrodden.
“Hey, tomorrow we’re gonna have a new home.” Cal said, immediately moving to comfort Bode with a hand on his arm, “I couldn’t have done it without you, Bode.”
Bode didn’t know if it was the younger man’s hand on his arm, or the reassuring smile that made his stomach flutter, but, suddenly, he didn’t want this to end.
And Bode had always been a selfish man.
Cal was cut off, sputtering Bode’s name in surprise as the older man pulled him in for a kiss. Pinning Cal to him with an arm around his waist, Bode let his free hand roam into Cal’s soft hair, which had grown considerably in their time together. Cal’s presence in the Force was like a fiery oasis next to Bode’s cold, empty ocean. Cal, always desperate for connection, reached out blindly through the Force as their kiss deepened, but Bode couldn’t let him in.
Not now. Not ever. This was a goodbye, not an invite.
Cal was the desperate one here, not Bode. Never Bode. This was a final good memory before Bode left the scrapper’s life for good.
“I love you.” Cal said softly as they separated for a breath.
Bode’s heart sank and soared all at once at the scrapper’s confession. There was no way he meant it, he was only kiss-drunk.
Right?
“Bode?”
“Huh?” Bode mentally-kicked himself, forcing himself to meet Cal’s warm gaze, his brow creased with worry.
For a moment, he feared that his shields had dropped just a little too far.
“If something’s wrong, you can tell me.” Cal said, “You can trust me.”
But you shouldn’t trust me, Bode thought, his heart shattering as he fought back the tears suddenly swelling in his eyes.
But then Cal’s warm, callused hand was on Bode’s cheek, tracing soft circles through the light stubble there, and suddenly, Bode’s careful composure broke.
“I’m so sorry, Scrapper,” Bode said, making to turn away, but Cal’s hand kept him there. “I haven’t been honest with you… I don’t want to hurt you, but the truth…”
He stopped himself just barely, instead expressing the truth through the Force, finally opening the dam holding him back from Cal. The scrapper’s expression shifted from worry to shock, his hand dropping from Bode’s cheek.
“You’re… But…h-how did…?”
“How did I survive?” Bode finished for him, chuckling darkly, self-hatred and regret boiling to the surface, “I’ve done terrible things, Cal… To protect Kata. I’ve been working for the ISB and I was going to… I-if I didn’t report back… If I didn’t lead them to Cere…”
“But you didn’t.” Cal interrupted firmly, stopping Bode’s spiraling, “Just tell me how I can help. We can get her out of there. You can both be safe.”
“You…you’re not…mad?” Bode stammered, faltering.
“You did what you had to do to survive,” Cal said. “We both aided the Empire in order to survive, in our own ways. But that’s in the past. Now, we can fight them.”
Bode forcefully turned away this time, glaring out over the desert.
“That’s just the problem.” he growled, “Don’t you think fighting is the wrong way to survive this? Tanalorr is a sanctuary, not a base. What you want to do is going to get thousands of people killed. That’s not a life. If thousands of people suddenly disappear from the Empire’s radar, they will notice. Tanalorr won’t remain hidden for long that way, but, if it was just a few of us…”
“We can talk to Cere about it in the morning.” Cal promised, “I do not intend to get people killed, Bode, I promise. You’re right, maybe I was just thinking a little too far ahead. Tanalorr should only be accessed by people we can trust.”
“I’ve already managed to slip into your operations.” Bode said, “Just imagine how many more sp---people like me that the Empire could have planted throughout the Hidden Path.”
“Then we’ll find them,” Cal promised. “We’ll tread carefully. Besides, you could help us pick them out.”
“Yeah,” Bode said, nodding, his heart rate slowing back to a normal rhythm. “Yeah, okay. Thank you for…understanding. Cal.”
“I’m here to listen,” Cal promised, taking one of Bode’s large, gloved hands in both of his small ones, squeezing gently. “You don’t have to hide from me, Bode.”
“I know.” Bode said, taking a deep breath and straightening up, “Anyway, if we’re going to rescue Kata, we’ll have to set out tomorrow morning. Denvik will suspect something if I don’t report in.”
“I’ll help.” Cal promised, “You know me, always eager to fight the Empire. And if I can stick one to your boss, then that’s a huge bonus.”
Bode chuckled.
“I appreciate the enthusiasm. Just tell me what you need.”
“You got the layout of that base?” Cal questioned.
“I’m sure I could dig something up.” Bode said, a gloved hand rubbing his chin in thought. “What are you thinking?”
“I’ll tell you once BD and I have had time to look it over.” Cal answered, “The only thing I know for certain is that it could get chaotic, so you should get some sleep.”
“Alright,” Bode chuckled. “What about you?”
“I’ll sleep on the way.” Cal shrugged.
“Oh, so I’m flying?” Bode joked.
“I doubt Greez would let you,” Cal pointed out. “And, if we’re gonna do this, we’ll need his piloting skills.”
“In that case, I’ll take the Z-95, just in case we need some extra firepower.” Bode decided.
“That certainly served us well back at the observatory.” Cal said, “Now go on, get some sleep. I’m gonna go make sure BD didn’t get distracted by the holobooks in the Archive.”
“Alright,” Bode chuckled. “Thank you, Cal.”
“Any time.” Cal replied, bumping Bode’s shoulder gently before leading the way back into the Archive.
For the first time since losing Tayala, Bode felt hopeful, and he smiled to himself as he followed his scrapper back through the Archive.