Work Text:
Death Note
Light stares at the dictionary.
A death note is something one writes before taking their life to explain why they are doing so. It is a last message to the world.
It is a suicide note.
Light picks up the notebook and re-reads the rules.
Of course, he will not die because of the notebook. It will not kill him. How can it unless somebody writes his name in it?
A thought that crossed Light's mind multiple times the past days squeezes him again.
What if the user of the notebook dies after a certain time or after writing a certain amount of names?
What if that time is coming?
What if he is a minute away from death? A name away from death?
"No, of course not, that is silly," thinks Light. "I'm coming up with these strange ideas because I am tired. I need to sleep. That's all. The notebook never says anything about the user's death, so why would I be bothered? It would mention this rule surely, as it would be a major feature."
But would it be a major feature?
Who would notice if he died?
His parents would. Sayu would. His grandparents. His friends at school.
Would Light notice his death?
Light turns off the lamp and turns to his side. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe evenly.
"Why are you even bothered by this?" he thinks. "The notebook mentions no rule of the kind. You are not killing yourself."
He is performing justice. He is purging the world of evil.
The punishment for sin is death.
But is inflicting death a sin?
Light is Kira, and according to the newscaster this morning, Kira is a serial killer. That makes Kira a sinner. Kira deserves death.
No. Kira is justice. If God killed someone as punishment, would God be a killer? No, he would be justice.
But Light is not God. He is a boy.
But then why did this notebook land in the yard of his school? Why did he find it? What if it was God's desire for him to execute the sinners of the world? Or what if he was God incarnate and throughout his life he was just unaware of it?
- You seem restless, Light, - drawls Ryuk. - Are you cooking up something interesting?
And this too. Why was there a death god in his bedroom? Was it a plan, or was it a coincidence? Was Ryuk supposed to be here? Was he sent? Was he just pretending to do it for fun? Was he actually observing Light's actions closely, guarding him perhaps? No, of course not, this beast was here for fun and apples. That's all. Light was alone.
Death Note.
He is writing the names of those who deserve death, thus killing himself? How can it be so?
He was slowly turning into Kira, erasing Light, wasn't he?
No, of course not. Light was Kira all along. The Death Note just brought Kira into light.
And it is not like Kira is anything negative. It is not a slur. It is a name of honour. A name of truth and justice. Once he rids the world of evil, there will be a very clear explanation to his actions. Nobody will be able to disagree with him.
- Light, - whispers Ryuk, - you must buy me more apples. Also, it is 2 am. Why are you not sleeping?
Ryuk's eyes bore into Light's back. Light has a strong urge to turn around and punch the shinigami into his strange, terrifying, yet oddly mesmerizing face.
- I can't sleep when you are staring at me. There is other food in the kitchen. Just make sure nobody is there and be quiet.
- I am staring at you exactly because you are not sleeping and that other food is not very interesting to me, Light. You must get me apples tomorrow.
Light stares at the wall. His mind swirls in a black mass of unconsciousness. He sees nothing, hears nothing, feels nothing. He is God, and gods need no sleep.
When he wakes, he feels like he hasn't slept for ages. His mother thinks he looks tired and Sayu comments on an event in the city centre. Nobody knows. Nobody could even guess.
Light feels proud for a moment.
Would his family be proud of him when he has finally established the new world? Or would they be horrified that their son is Kira?
Only one way to find out. To keep writing down the names.
Yet again, the thought sticks its claws in his mind, making him shiver.
Is the Death Note his suicide note?
Is Kira killing Light Yagami?
Light goes to school, he stares at the pages, moves his pen to form words, blankly answers questions. His body is at school, but his mind is in another dimension. He visits the bathroom multiple times in the hope that the cold metallic water on his face will bring him back, yet he returns to the classroom with the same heavy feeling in his stomach.
He doesn't even know what he is feeling. Fear? Confusion? Pain?
Light Yagami does not want to die. He does not want to live either, if life means existing meaninglessly. Before obtaining the Death Note life seemed a tad meaningless to him. He was bored. School, homework, chores, maybe reading or board games with Sayu or visiting his grandparents. What was the reason for all this? One day he will disappear and all his efforts will go to dogs.
The Death Note gave him breath. Light Yagami has a reason to live. The reason is turning the world into a better place.
One might say that simply by living, being kind, doing his homework, his chores, playing games with Sayu Light is making the world better. But it is not enough. It does not impact many people at all. Heck, he does not even know if his family notices his efforts. They all just assume he knows how they love him and how well he is doing. Everything is automatic.
Throughout his life he was told there was no God, no Devil, no heaven, no hell, nothing, and in that world it was true. After death one's soul just shatters into a million pieces never to be found again.
The idea of death itself does not really scare Light. After all, he would not even know he is dead. What scares him is the lack of control during the process of dying. It is irreversible, unstoppable, imminent. It happens to all and everybody. He can do nothing, nothing at all to prevent it. And that terrifies him. Light Yagami loves control.
Light walks into a shop to buy apples for Ryuk. The shinigami is, to be honest, annoying. He brings no benefit to Light. He only eats, plays video games and talks. Light wonders if he should get Ryuk a new game to make him shut up.
Ryuk knows the rules. He knows every rule. But the damn bastard won't tell him if there is a rule about the user's death after a certain amount of time. He merely giggles and tells Light that he isn't on Light's side and he really does not care about Light and Light is just an entertainment.
Light Yagami is a toy. A doll. A game. A show. Light hates this. He is God and Ryuk cannot comprehend it with his limited shinigami mind. The idiot only cares for food and fun.
Light enters his home, walks up the stairs, comes into his room. He opens the window to let in some air. If only he could know for sure.
Damn you, Ryuk.
He takes the notebook out of the drawer and looks carefully at it. No need to make up scary rules. Enough of this childishness.
Light opens the notebook, takes a pen and turns it on. He clicks it a couple of times, then writes down a name he heard in the morning on the television.
That man will die. The one on the TV. Light Yagami is safe, sitting in his bedroom on his chair and doing a very noble deed.
Carefully and precisely, he writes out the names.
His name is not among them.
Yet somewhere he feels like between the letters there is a name he can't see.
He keeps writing, drowning out the feeling with ink and stabbing it with his pen. It must leave him. And it will. Of course, it will. Any big change makes one feel a little anxious. He is just not used to being God yet.
He can't see that name.
And of course, he will never see that invisible name.
You cannot see what you have obliterated.
..............
"You know, Light, considering that you are trying to judge the world and claiming to be God, I thought you would be able to differentiate between apples and oranges."