Chapter Text
Soulmates were a beautiful phenomenon, one that only happens once in a lifetime, everyone said. Whenever Red and Pink held hands, you could see the red string between their pinkies on clear display– the clear symbol of their mutual affection, of being the first in each other’s hearts.
The first time Sayeon and Ryujin had met, the clocks on their arms had stopped, showing that they had finally met their match. Their relationship wasn’t nearly as affectionate by any means, but they had a special understanding between each other that could not be breached. It was something sacred; something that couldn’t be described by words alone. It wasn’t something that either of them had dared to name.
White didn’t have a soulmate. He didn’t have a red string, he didn’t have a timer, he didn’t have a tattoo somewhere representing his soulmate–he didn’t have anything. Soulmates were each other’s first choices in everything, people who would protect and support one another through thick and thin. White, decidedly, would not have that, not ever. However much he stared and longed for the idea of the one perfect person, the one who could complete him and understand him like no one else, however much he wanted it, it would never happen. But that was okay too. White was perfectly fine on his own.
‘I’m fine by myself’ was maybe White’s first ever thought. It was the only way he had survived, living in the confines of shipping containers kept too exhausted to do anything but give essence for Rapture. It was the only way he had escaped– living on as he watched the others around him succumb to death, the ultimately better option. It was the reason why he could look at Sayeon Lee, unappreciative as she was, and still listen to every order that fell from her lips.
It was what he had thought on that day, when the last of his firsts had been stolen. His first words– “Yes sir,” to one of the men asking for more essence, even as he felt his spine shooting upwards painfully in a way his muscles could not grow to match. His first murder was clean and swift– on Red’s orders– shortly after he had joined the Crimson Society. His first mission alone came soon after, a raid on a Sea Wolves territory. He had felt an almost pride in that moment, as if he was needed. Stupid, really. If he hadn’t been there, there surely would’ve been twenty other agents able to take his place.
‘I’m fine by myself’ thought White as that woman had ambushed his lips with hers. She tasted slimy and sickeningly bitter as he waited for her to get bored. They always did in the end. He was just another replaceable part of the puzzle. If he didn’t give essence anymore, there would always be another child, another person to die and be replaced. If he wasn’t a part of the Crimson Society, there would always be another agent, another person to fulfill the mission. If he died and could no longer protect Sayeon, there was always another person that Red could send in for that sake.
Maybe it was for the better. If he died on this mission, there would be nobody truly affected. Nobody would care. Nobody would know that a boy had once wielded green Aberrant blades. Nobody would remember that there was once a young recruit who enjoyed baking; and after a few years, no one would be able to recall the exact taste of his banana bread. He would be just another nameless rapture ghost.
And yet, White would catch himself sometimes, staring at the people around him as they navigated the world. It would be nice, he thought, to be someone else’s first for once. Someone’s first and only soulmate. It would be nice to have someone remember who he was, to leave just a tiny mark upon this thing called their world.
“Min. Don’t you ever want to tell her off? Tell her no? Get upset? You’re allowed to do that, you know?” said that voice, warm but worried and angry for him in a way White was unfamiliar with. Oh, the irony.
White wanted to tell the other boy that he didn’t understand. That without the people around him, he would be nothing and no one, a hostile Aberrant stuck in a hostile society with no purpose, an attack dog with no owner and no leash. But the words couldn’t come out– not when Iseul was the first ever person to even try. Not when he was the first to show him so much open affection. Not when he was the first person “Min” had ever baked for. Not when Iseul’s embrace was the first and only place “Min” and White both had ever felt safe, ever felt cared for, had ever felt loved.
He wanted to shut it down, he really did– Iseul’s concern was unnecessary; White could heal any injury he had gotten using essence. There was no harm done. But, seeing how much it mattered to Iseul (seeing how much he mattered) had whittled down his determination. Red didn’t need to know, and even if she did, it would be fine. If it made Iseul feel more at ease to fight for this one thing, then White was okay with being reprimanded.
White didn’t have any soulmates. He had been asked by Pink enough times for him to have checked everywhere, yet there were no signs in the slightest. So, no matter what, he would never be anyone’s so-called first and only soulmate. He would never make anyone special, and he would never be special to someone else.
But, even if he wasn’t Iseul’s soulmate, White knew that Iseul had affected him and his life the same way that a soulmate would. Even if he wasn’t Iseul’s soulmate, in White’s head, Iseul was like one to him. And maybe that was enough. Maybe that had to be enough.
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The sky is blue. The Aberrant Corps were cool. Soulmates defined love. These were the fundamental facts of Iseul’s life. He remembered being five, running towards his parents as the sun set beneath the horizon after playing soccer. They were always standing a bit apart from the other parents, always in their own little world apart from everyone else. They would just be looking at each other, not saying anything, communicating in a way beyond just words, their matching soulmate tattoos standing out on the skin of their wrists.
Iseul would look up at them and smile, knowing that he would have the same thing someday. On his wrist was a white tiger, first a young kitten before it grew into a full sized feline. Its blank white stare was full of majesty and grace– though it would sometimes curl in on itself, as if it wanted to hide from the world. Iseul could only imagine what kind of girl that tattoo could have corresponded to, someone mysterious and cold on the outside but truly the gentlest within. He could only wait and see.
People with soulmate tattoos perhaps had the most difficult time finding their other halves out of anyone. “It was a gut feeling, an instinct,” Iseul’s father had said once when asked, before his death. “When you see them, you’ll know.”
Well, Iseul tried. Iseul tried, tried to date girl after girl, tried to feel some type of swoop or jump or anything in his stomach. He liked all of them, they were nice…but he didn’t know if they were the soulmate kind of nice. The last girlfriend he had before joining the corps had always joked that he liked her dog more than he liked her– and the worst part was, he couldn’t exactly refute her. Only one of them was his phone wallpaper, after all. When he went to the Aberrant Corps and they broke up, he felt sad at the parting, but not sadder than he was with any of his other friends. Iseul felt normal, and any negative feeling was greatly overshadowed by his desire to become like his father. Iseul didn’t feel anything even remotely soulmate-y even when he tried.
Then he met him.
Min Woo, also part of Cell 4, and the definition of a mysterious beauty with the paleness of his hair and eyes. He had no facial expression to speak of, always giving the same blank stare. Iseul, though social, had never really met anyone quite like him. He had never met anyone whose deadpan stare could make him feel more reassured than slightly creeped out. He had never met someone who would bake banana bread for him just because he had expressed liking it. He had never felt the need to be needed until then.
Life was the same cycle– laugh with friends, play soccer, make your parents proud. Iseul didn’t know if joining the Aberrant Corps or just Min’s presence had wrecked that cycle more. Staring down at the tiger on his wrist, Iseul could swear that Min had to be his soulmate. It really didn’t make much sense otherwise, did it? And yet…
Iseul caught a glimpse, every once in a while, of Min’s wrist– completely clean of any soulmate mark, covered by only a layer of scar tissue. Anytime he thought of it, he could only shiver, feeling his blood run cold, his palms sweaty, and his eyes would begin to water. Was the thought of being soulmates with him so vile that Min had just decided to completely remove the tattoo from his skin? Was he so ashamed that he couldn’t tell Iseul at all, that he couldn’t even talk about it?
…Did Min not trust him in the same way he trusted Sayeon?
Iseul had noticed Min constantly looking over at her–it was hard not to. Sayeon and Ryujin were soulmates, determined by their first meeting’s countdown clock– not that either of them really liked it much at first. Now…Iseul wished they would just kiss and get it over with already. Everyone could tell that they wanted to. Min could too, probably, but that didn’t seem to stop him from crushing on Sayeon anyways.
And she took advantage of that, took advantage of him. The amount of danger Min was put through, the injuries he had been forced to heal from, welll…Iseul refused to believe that Sayeon’s uber instincts weren’t able to pick up on them and prevent it, if she really focused. She just didn’t care, it seemed. She didn’t care about Min’s safety.
It was one thing for Iseul’s soulmate to not want him. That was painful, but he could heal, with time, as long as he and Min could stay friends. He could respect Min’s decision to not talk about it, if that’s what he wanted. Someone else hurting his soulmate while Min just stood by and let it happen to himself, on the other hand…Iseul couldn’t bear that.
“This is what I mean!” Iseul couldn’t help but snap at Min. “Sayeon will never ever ever change if you keep pretending to be invincible!” The words were almost forced out of him in their urgency, layered in so many words Min didn’t want to hear, words that Iseul couldn’t say without Min leaving him behind. Why her and not me? I could be there for you and love you, all while I watch her put you in danger. We’re soulmates, y’know.
I understand you. I want you. I love you.
And yet, every word, phrase, sentence went unsaid.