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He has made many mistakes in his life, and this one, he thinks, has to be the worst.
He has betrayed countless people, and made even more miscalculations and rash decisions. He has only learned patience in recent years, after being trapped in the Fade for millennium. He is responsible for the deaths of millions, and is the reason the people of this sundered world are, in comparison to the Elvhen, tranquil. Mistakes after mistakes.
But this is the cruelest of them all.
She stands in front of him, her expression somewhere between utter bliss and confusion. She shifts her weight on her feet, obviously nervous. She corrects her hair when it is not necessary. She is blushing, and it is wrong. She should hate him. If she knew who he was and what he has done, she would hate him. She would fear him and curse him. But she doesn’t.
It is wrong.
“Solas,” she says and finally makes eye contact with him. She looks away again after only a moment. “Earlier . . . what you said. What you called me—vhenan—did you mean it?”
No, you did not. Dismiss her now. Break her heart now before you shatter hers and yours completely.
He ignores all reason. “What do you mean?” he asks.
“I mean . . . Ah, I feel like a child, I’m sorry. Just, I never . . . you know I’m old, right?”
Nothing in comparison to him.
She continues. “I mean, I turn forty-one this year, I’m not exactly a young woman. It’s just,” she stops and starts pulling on her shirt sleeve. “No one’s ever called me their heart before. Or, at least, never called me that in a way that was genuine. I have never been involved with someone romantically.” She sighs. “I don’t know how to go about this, is what I’m trying to say.”
“You have never had a romantic interest?” he asks.
“No,” she says and starts picking at her nails. “I never wanted one.”
How fitting. The woman he was foolish enough to become infatuated with had never even known the love of another person. He couldn’t give her his. He was a liar and a coward. It was wrong and selfish and so cruel. He should not have kissed her back in the Fade—she kissed him first, but he did nothing but encouraged it. And then, to seal his own doom, he called her vhenan. He called her his heart, despite the fact how everything she knew about him was a lie.
But he has never been praised for his selflessness, or wise decisions.
He is already doomed.
He takes her hand in his and brings it to his lips. She stares at him then, her face completely flushed.
“Ma vhenan,” he says and smiles.
“You meant it,” she says. “You really . . .”
She doesn’t finish the sentence. She is on him, pushing him back against the rotunda wall. She kisses him. It’s not a slow and passionate thing. It is desperate and fumbling. But it is the best thing he has ever received. She pulls him down to deepen the kiss, and he does nothing but let her explore his mouth as she likes.
It’s not enough. He tightens his arms around her back and presses her to him. It is overwhelming, and not nearly enough.
And then it’s over, and she breaks the kiss. She stares at him, and he cannot stop his idiotic mouth.
“You are so beautiful,” he says. He cradles her head and kisses her forehead.
Her stunned expression is replaced by a warm smile and she giggles as he kisses her brow again.
“Solas, I—” she starts and stops herself. And then she is kissing him. “Ma sa’lath,” she breathes.
It is wrong. But he cannot stop her. Not when she’s willing to give him her love so freely. Not when she loves him for who he truly is—Solas, not Fen’Harel.
He can be himself with her. After countless ages being feared and despised. He can be himself. He can be loved.
He has made many mistakes in his life, but this is not one of them.