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Holding his friend’s phone in hand, Noel Noa pressed on the call log, kept repeating over and over the recording of the last conversation between Alexis Ness and his ex-boyfriend.
**Tuesday, 16/03/2019**
*Beep...Beep..*
"Hello? It's Michael Kaiser on the phone."
A warm voice echoed, unsteady and uncertain. He sounded young. Must have been around nineteen, or maybe younger than that.
"Micha...It's me." Ness spoke, his voice was slow, thick with motion.
The other end of the line went silent for a few seconds, before suddenly let out a raspy hollow laugh.
"Michael Kaiser. Not Micha.”
"Kitty.”
"No, thanks."
Ness seemed to pour every ounce of his strength into those words, his voice laden with such despair that even the most indifferent soul could hear it.
"Please, Micha."
"What's wrong with you ? Why are you calling me at the fucking 2AM just for your nonsense.”
“2am..?”
“It’s fucking 2 in the morning, Alexis Ness.” Losing his patience, Michael nearly shouted into the phone, no longer bothering to show even a shred of respect for the man who once meant everything. "Plus, we broke up, don't call me again."
"I'm sorry."
Alexis Ness let out a laugh, soft yet chilling like the blade of a knife gliding over bare skin. It made Kaiser shiver. He couldn’t tell if it was a laugh of bitterness or just some cruel joke Alexis Ness was telling himself.
Kaiser’s reaction is far too cute which made Ness want to tease him even more. On the other hand, Michael felt like he was being played with, he felt like Alexis Ness was laughing at his discomfort.
"If there's nothing important then I'll hang up. You are disturbing my sleep-"
Alexis Ness cut in, "You're lying. You have just finished your work and now you’ve only just gone to the bathroom, right?"
Kaiser let out a scornful laugh.
“Impressive guess. You know me so well, huh?”
"I'm in the toilet too Micha."
"Does telling me that serve any purpose?" Michael sighed, tightening his grip on the toothbrush. He surely was sick of Ness kept calling him at this fucking time of the day. He cannot bear this anymore, he was tired of being locked up in this type of relationship. He has to pretend that he doesn't want Ness back. Shuttered and foolish, his heart laid bare for the other person to look at.
"I'm hanging up."
"WAIT! Just give me an hour."
"No."
"Half an hour?"
"No."
"Alright, 15 minutes and I'll never call you again."
"Yea right, you're gonna come directly to my house to annoy me, aren't you?"
Michael had no idea why, but he accepted the deal for those fifteen minutes. He only needed ten to shower and then throw himself onto his bed for a deep sleep, yet here he was, sacrificing his precious fifteen minutes for his shameless ex-boyfriend.
"What do you want, Alexis Ness?"
"Nothing."
"And I want to sleep."
"No no, just kidding.... I want to see you."
Such a liar.
“It’s late now, Micha.”
“Oh, I'm glad you know that?”
“I just want to hear your voice -”
Michael stayed silent, he could hear the sounds of Alexis Ness smiling through the phone.
He sighed in exasperation. "Honestly Ness, do you want us to get back together?"
There was no sign of discomfort or annoyance in Michael’s voice, instead there was gentleness and even hope. A ray of pure desire.
But Ness shut him down immediately:
"No."
The last string of patience popped, Kaiser couldn't hold back anymore—he launched into a long-winded tirade against his ex..
Kaiser threw every foul-mouthed insult he had ever heard, cursing Alexis Ness all the way back to his ancient ancestors.
"#-+2;$-# you fucking son of a bitch; $-@+%+$+ you."
"Ha ha."
"Still laughing, huh? You slimy, two-faced liar, —$-+#;$."
Alexis Ness left out a long, crispy laugh which triggered Michael’s anger more. Kaiser has barely acted like this before, it's good to see him showing many emotions like this, it makes him more "human".
"Ha ha… Ha… Hmm…"
Kaiser stopped and stayed silent. He can hear the sounds of water drops and light breathing on the other person's side. He tried to listen more closely and as he recognized something, his face darkened as he raised his voice:
"Alexis Ness, are you masturbating to my voice?"
Alexis Ness snorted with laughter, this time, it was real.
Michael's face was burning hot, ears turned red. Whilst embarrassed, he was stunned for a few seconds. Never in his life has he encountered such a pervert. And as he was going to shut the call, Ness had to do all kinds of begging, apologizing to convince Kaiser to stay on the phone for a bit longer.
It was two in the morning. The world had long since drifted into silent slumber.
Back when they were still together, this was the hour he would finish his work, rush to their shared bed, rest his head on their pillows, and curl into his lover’s embrace until dawn. But now, they were nothing more than strangers.
He’s still awake at two, but the bed is empty, cold, devoid of warmth. Devoid of the warmth of a certain someone. Alexis Ness’s.
To say Michael Kaiser no longer loved Alexis Ness would be a lie. Michael loves him, and it craves in his bones. He just couldn't get over the truth that Ness had betrayed him. In fact, he feels happy and relieved that Ness still annoys him with these 2 am calls, which make him think that Ness still has something for him, still couldn't get over him. Michael might be paranoid but he couldn't imagine how his life would become without Ness.
In truth, he still loved that bastard. Deeply.
And perhaps, in some twisted way, he was glad to be "bothered" by Ness. Especially tonight, when an inexplicable sadness crept into his chest—Alexis Ness called. And somehow, just that, made the cold night feel a little less lonely.
"Ness, you don’t love me anymore, do you?"
Michael mustered all his courage to ask such question. Though he sounded calm, his heart felt as if it were about to explode. Kaiser is a simple person. His thoughts were simple. If Ness said no, Michael would block his contacts and disappear from his life. But if Ness said yes, he would instantly drive to Ness’s house no matter how late it was.
However, Alexis Ness didn’t answer.
Michael was confused. He didn’t know what's the meaning behind the silence and he didn't know how to deal with it.
"So...You love that girl?"
"Who?" Ness was taken aback by the question. He blurted out in surprise.
"... The one you cheated on me with.."
The other person stayed silent, swallowing him up with the stressful atmosphere. He wants to see Ness right now. To see what kind of emotions Ness was having on his face. Coil of anxiety rising up in Michael’s throat, threatening him to vomit up his meager dinner onto the pristine ground. After what feel like forever, Alexis Ness finally spoke:
"You still love me,Micha?"
"..."
"You're such a futile man, Micha . Always tolerate pain and bottle it up to yourself."
"..."
Kaiser bit his lips. Until he can taste his own blood dripping on the tip of his tongue.
-
People always thought that Alexis Ness's love life was dull. To be precise, they had never seen Ness date anyone in his early years, though the boy could charm just about anyone—boys and girls. But after the Bastard München tryouts, things shifted.
That was when Michael Kaiser. Step in Ness’s life, The two of them —Alexis Ness, Michael Kaiser, became a notorious duo, a so-called duo of misfits.
People didn't think too much of their relationship, they simply thought that Ness and Kaiser were close friends. Until NEL, they found out these two were dating.
Noel Noa has to admit that these two are good at hiding secrets. He didn't realize that they were dating until their big ass argument post - PxG and BM match, which is one year after they started dating. The other teammates don’t really give a fuck so they quickly accepts that Ness and Kaiser are dating. But not to Noel Noa, he took a lot of time to accept that. But as long as Kaiser doesn’t let that affect his football career, Noa thought it would be fine.
After a few years of dating, Noa received the news that Ness and Kaiser broke up. Noa is used to this. Ness and Kaiser did have some arguments and broke up before. But not so long after that, the couple would got back together as if nothing had happened.
Turns out this time was different, it has been 3 months and they still haven't gotten back together.
-
Alexis Ness's mobile phone is an old device. His phone password was always Kaiser’s birthday.
But on that day, when Kaiser tried to unlock it, the phone stated the password was wrong. He checked up over and over again, carefully typed in all the passwords that he could come up with. But none of them were right. "Strange," Kaiser thought. He typed his birthday in one last time, but it was still wrong.
Kaiser wasn’t the type to get overthinking and anxious easily. But this time, he could tell that something was wrong. Sweat was dripping wet on his forehead. "Why did Alexis change the password? Does he want to hide something?" But he didn't have the courage to ask Alexis about it. He chose to keep the thought to himself and never brought the topic on. Maybe he was just overreacting, after all, Alexis is allowed to have secrets too.
-
"Who is that girl, Alexis?"
He asked, his chest ache in ways he could never adequately articulate. Michael tried to stay as calm as possible, he looked at the other person, who was sitting on the couch, unwilling to argue. Ness’s calm and ignorant behavior suffocates him and his thoughts.
"She's just a friend, Micha."
Michael paced around the house, taking deep breaths to steady himself. But the thought of Alexis meeting another woman behind his back, hugging her, and even generously paying for their date
"If you are hiding something from me, please tell me Alexis. Are you cheating on me? Do you want a break up? Please tell me, Alexis, we are lovers... Please."
He pleaded, desperation flowing out with tears as he looked at the magenta boy. Alexis simply shook his head.
"You won't understand, Michael."
"How can I understand if you don't tell me?"
Ness sighed, showing no interest in replying to Michael. He took a cigar on the table but Michael quickly took it away from him and threw it in the trash bin.
Alexis growled back: "Kaiser. Are you my boyfriend or my mom?"
Michael was starting to lose his temper, his voice raised up:" I love you, that's why I'm taking care of your health. You haven't even given me an actual answer about your relationship with that girl."
Alexis clicked his tongue, his brows furrowed as he gave Michael a suffocating glare. Kaiser could no longer recognize the warm lovely puppy he loves anymore.
"I'm tired of this relationship, Michael."
The moment he heard that, it felt like the skyline fell down. It hurts. He couldn't believe in his ears, but looking at Ness's expression, he knew it was all true. Pain and soreness rising up in his stomach, urging him to drain every single blood cell out of him. His heart shattered into pieces and it was swirling in his throat.
Michael barely felt his legs and hands, not to mention his emotions.
"I understand." Kaiser nods.
The man took his phone and wallet, slamming the door shut as he left.
Kaiser wandered, he walked very slowly. Maybe he was waiting for Ness to call him back and apologize, his heart was still faithful. But the moment the door shut, the only thing he heard was Ness calling the other girl, asking her to come over because he needed that girl right now.
He startled in the night, swathed in moonlight, recalling old memories.
-
“Ness, I have something to tell you."
"The RE:AL offers me a chance to work at a new agency."
"Oh, congrats. I feel happy for you,Micha ."
"...You feel okay with it?"
"Obviously, this has always been your biggest dream, right?!"
"But I will move out of the country and won't come back for a long period of time."
"..."
“It’s fucking 3am now, Ness. Is that your fifteen minutes?”
“Hehehe..”
Michael can still hear the sound of water dripping on the other side of the phone. They haven’t had sex for a long time, so Ness couldn’t fulfill his own needs? It has been more than 30 minutes since the thought of Ness pleasuring himself while talking to Kaiser sits in his mind. But because the topic was too sensitive, Michael decided to keep silent and not bring it on.
“ Ness, don’t you have something to say to me? Today is..”
The day I will leave this country.
“I wish you a good trip.”
“...Thank you. It’s late now, I have to go to bed and prepare for tomorrow.”
There isn’t any response from Ness except for silence. It was so quiet that Michael thought Ness had hung up, he sighed. And just as Michael was about to hang up, he could hear a small, gentle and sweet voice whisper to him.
“I love you, Micha.”
The familiar beep sound comes after the confession. Ness did really hang up this time, leaving Kaiser there with his heart beating as fast as possible. His mind was at ease. No matter if it was a lie or not, Michael feels peace.
“Did he say he love me?”
Ness hasn’t left him yet, and neither has he. But why does Ness choose to confess at this moment? When they are about to be apart from each other, when he is going to leave Ness and move on. What are Ness’s intentions?
He will call Ness again in the morning to have a serious talk with him. After all, he yearns for Ness’s love and Kaiser needs to hear his genuine answer.
-
Noa feels threatened. He sits next to the bathtub, his hands tremble intermittently and his spine shivers with the dark. He’s shaking, not because he’s cold, not because he has been waiting outside of the house for one hour under the heavy snowy weather.
He’s shaking because Alexis Ness’s body is cold. Awfully cold.
He doesn’t dare to turn the light one, he’s scared. He’s scared that once the lights are on, he would find out that the liquid in the bathtub isn’t water and shampoo but blood.
Ness’s phone lying cold on the ground, doesn’t have any signal.
Noa tires off his cloak and bandages Alexis Ness’s hand. Every movement makes the liquid in the bathtub overflow just like how Noa’s emotions are right now. The faucet is still dripping, creating the sound of running water.
The water is still dripping, but not Ness’s blood. His face and body looks pale, not one bit of blood is left in there. Alexis Ness is gone.
Ness is really dead.
Noa kneels on the ground, recalling the bad memories, unable to hold back his sobbing.
-
Ness felt guilty. When Michael looked at him with pitiful eyes, Ness found himself aching. He was meant to love Michael and kept him in his life, but he couldn’t.
He was tired, maybe because of Michael, but maybe because of life. Whenever he wakes up, his stomach twists into a familiar painful knot. He despises the pain, yet it’s a hopelessly inevitable occurrence. Alexis Ness was drowning in the dark and Michael Kaiser was his light.
Ness desperately tries to make his magic come true. He hates his family who are always waiting for him to fail. He’s tired of sitting by his night light, and the sounds of the darkness are growing louder each time a dirty hand touches his body. Alexis Ness has a wish, if he has a next life, he hopes he will be born in a different family.
He bottled his emotions up day by day, until it heavily affected his mental health. He knows how much Micahel loves him, he knows it all. Micha got so much in his heart and Alexis Ness felt pitiful for Kaiser to fall in love with such a terrible person like him. Kaiser has a bright future, a good and promising career and if Kaiser stays by his side, Ness knows he will ruin it all. The more he watches Kaiser, the more insecure he becomes. Ness was ugly, his soul was full of sins. Alexis Ness has lost himself in his and this unbearable cloud of shame blurs his ailing mind every time he kisses Michael.
Ness knows he should only admire him, not desire.
But yet, he still mourns over what they were even when his fingers are tangled to Michael’s hair and Ness could feel Kaiser’s stupid, crooked smile against his lips, minty on his tongue. Even when he is holding Kaiser, hands exploring the expanse of his body and faces so close that he could count the constellation litter in Michael’s blue eyes, he finds himself missing Michael’s warmth.
what a strange phenomenon it is to love someone so much.
Even though Olivia - his therapist has given him tons of advice and treatment. Still, he yearns to be free of the way his wounded soul hungers to once more intertwine with Michael’s and to rid himself of this terrible ache in his heart.
Treacherously, he wants to hear Michael’s voice softly wishing him good morning, to see his smile and feel his lips on his warm skin and suddenly be reminded of the sun. Ness can’t help but wonder, does Michael too say his name in the dark of night when he finds himself unable to sleep? Sometimes when the ache grows to be too much, too large and unbearable for his body, Ness find himself wishing he could ask Kaiser the possible:
“Can we start talking again? Can we pretend that all that happened was simply pretend? I miss you.”
but he acknowledges that as long as he still hates himself, he could never love Kaiser how he deserved.
One day, he hopes he will forgive himself.
One day, he hopes Kaiser will forgive himself too.
-
“This fucking stupid jerk,,,”
Kaiser cursed. He tries to call Ness the whole morning but not once does he pick up the phone. Does Ness think that he could hide away when I move to another country?
“If you want to run away and hide from me that badly then enjoy yourself, Alexis. Do you think you can live peacefully after saying those things to me?” There’s still 15 minutes until the plane takes off. Michael sits at the waiting line, surfing the social media to distract himself from silly thoughts about Alexis.
Noa just sent you a message.
Noa just sent you a file of images.
Today was a beautiful day, the sunny weather. The sky is blue and soaring. The noisy sound of the plane landing and the bustling sound of people laughing and talking drowned all the noises coming from Michael’s mouth.