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Suho looks down at the seafood pancake Sieun brought him. The pancake he didn’t even ask for, that Sieun simply overheard the nurse say Suho had been craving. He tries to remember that this is just how Sieun is. Sieun is a nice person. It doesn’t mean… Suho just gets confused sometimes, he misinterprets things he shouldn’t…
Like earlier today, when Sieun was wheeling him out to the hospital’s gardens, and they crossed paths with two boys wearing the same school uniform as his. They glared over at them and, with satisfied smirks, loudly called out “Visiting your boyfriend again?” Sieun didn’t say anything, didn’t argue. But that doesn’t mean anything. He’s just trying to stay out of trouble, not pay attention to shitheads.
He takes a bite of the seafood pancake. It’s crispy and warm, comforting.
“Have some, it’s really good”, he tells Sieun.
“I brought it for you.”
“So what, we can share.”
Reluctantly, Sieun picks up the extra pair of chopsticks in the take out bag and reaches for a piece of pancake.
“It’s good, right?”
Sieun nods approvingly as he chews.
Suho watches him. He’s eating quietly, eyes focused on the take out container, lost in thought. He wonders what he’s thinking about.
His eyes are still on Sieun when he reaches for his glass of water, and he realizes too late that he didn’t grip it properly as it spills all over his shirt, dropping onto his lap.
Sieun immediately snaps out of his daydream, jumps to collect the glass and moves it to his side table. He grabs a towel from the bottom drawer of the table and starts patting him down, but the shirt is soaked.
“I’ll just change”, Suho says softly. “Do you mind helping me? Sorry.”
Sieun reaches over, holds him as he turns, his grip firm but gentle, until Suho is sitting with his legs off the bed, facing him. He undoes the tie on the side of his shirt, then helps him pull it off. He takes the soaked shirt and steps out into the hallway. He returns a few minutes later with a clean, dry shirt.
He moves close, standing between Suho’s open legs so he can help him put the shirt on. Suho looks away, tries to think of something else. Pancakes. Japchae. Rehabilitation exercises. Sieun helps him get his other arm into the corresponding sleeve. He’s so close. He smells good.
“How come… how come you didn’t say anything”?
“Huh?” Sieun pulls back to look at him. “About what?”
Suho knows he should just make up something, say “Nothing, never mind”.
“When those guys called me your boyfriend…”
Sieun’s face freezes, his eyes a little wider than normal.
He shouldn’t have said anything. This is so dumb. He’s making Sieun uncomfortable for no reason.
“Cause it’s absurd, right?” he offers with a small laugh, hoping Sieun isn’t already weirded out.
Sieun’s mouth opens, but no words come out. His eyes are fixed on the hospital shirt.
He made him uncomfortable. Why did he have to say this, why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut.
“Cause it’s not absurd…” Sieun suddenly says, barely loud enough for him to hear.
“What?”
“Cause it’s not absurd. That’s why I didn’t say anything… Cause it’s not absurd. For me.”
Suho can’t think of anything to say in response. He’s not sure he even understands the words that have just come out of Sieun’s mouth. It’s not absurd. For me. Did he hear that right? Did Sieun really just say those words?
“I should go”, Sieun says then, taking a few steps back. “I should let you get some sleep. I’ll ask a nurse to come help you lie down.” His cheeks are red.
“Wait”, Suho finally says. He reaches over, brings a hand to Sieun’s waist. “Wait.”
Sieun looks down at his hand, then back up at him. His expression is guarded, incredulous.
“Can you… can you move closer?” Suho asks him.
Sieun looks at him for a moment. Then, slowly, he takes the same few steps forward, until he’s back where he was, standing between his legs, close enough that he can hear him breathing. They’re the same height like this.
Suho leans forward, hesitates for a second, then slowly, softly, he presses a kiss to Sieun’s cheek.
“Is that ok?” he asks nervously.
Sieun nods wordlessly, still guarded.
Suho presses his forehead to the side of Sieun’s face, brushes his nose against his cheek. Sieun shivers, and his eyes close.
Suho licks his lips, dry from the hospital air. He keeps his face pressed against Sieun’s face, feels the softness and warmth of his skin as he moves down. He keeps his hand firmly on Sieun’s waist.
He kisses him below his cheekbone this time, right near the corner of his mouth.
“Still ok?” he asks, his heart pounding.
Sieun nods again. His eyes are still closed but his lips are parted slightly. His breathing is loud. Suho’s is too.
He closes his eyes, and when he brings his lips to the edge of Sieun’s mouth, Sieun turns towards him, lips reaching for his.
Their first kiss is hungry and eager. It’s joy and grief, revelation and relief all at once. He can’t believe he’s kissing Sieun. He can’t believe he hasn’t always been kissing Sieun.
Visiting hours will be over soon. He wishes he’d asked that question earlier, so they could’ve kissed longer. Sieun’s lips taste salty from the pancake. He wishes he could kiss him all night. Wishes he could kiss him for two years’ worth.
Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. Suho and Sieun barely have time to pull apart before a nurse walks into the room, announcing “Hi, I’m just here to check your vitals”.
She walks over to the bed, places the finger monitor on his index finger. The attached machine comes to life, large numbers appearing on the screen in neon colours.
“Oh. Your heart rate is quite high. Are you feeling alright?”
A laugh escapes his lips. He smiles and nods, before looking over at Sieun. Sieun smiles back at him.