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He was in too deep.
Phryne had read him like a book when she had inferred that his heart was as deep as the ocean. Now Jack was drowning in those same depths, long past seeing sunlight, but with so much further yet to fall.
At the time, he had tried to cover up her accurate assessment with a joke, but it was extremely difficult to hide anything when her manicured nail was tracing its way so achingly down his palm.
Still, having a heart like the ocean and giving it over to her were two very different things. That difference lay in a solitary early morning phone call. With one misunderstanding, the last penny dropped and he saw his affection for what it truly was. He was undone and he is never undone.
When he looked back, he couldn’t place the timing of the transition. A few weeks ago, he would have laughed at himself, denied to anyone that he had ever thought of Miss Fisher’s intruding as anything less than a nuisance, a fun one, but a general bother nonetheless. Sure, there was some flirting, and her ever-present standing offer for a gaudy but meaningless night, but that was open to nearly everyone who intrigued her. So when that phone call came, he could have never expected it to turn his entire universe upside down. False alarm or not, he knew that without her, his life would never be the same.
He would never be the same.
He glanced at his telephone on his desk and flexed his hand at the memory, still feeling the sensation of the heavy handset hanging limply in his palm, recalling the urge to rush to her side and simultaneously, the desire to avoid the confirmation that she would never again rush to his.
He thought about his options to fix his situation, and found none of them satisfactory. No matter which way he looked at it, he kept arriving at the same four conclusions.
One: he could take her up on her offer for a gaudy night and become just another one of her ‘old friends’.
He’d rather die.
Two: he could tell her how he felt and, if she felt the same way, they could be together as much as Phryne could be with anyone. However, that would never end well. While they would most likely be happy for a while, he would inevitably become jealous or want more than she was willing to give him, or she would grow bored and restless, or worse, their profession would catch up with them and one of them would be the one lying under the sheet.
Any way he tried to work it, a relationship with her would end in heartbreak and devastation the likes of which the Antipodes had never seen.
Three: he could keep the whole thing to himself and spend the rest of his days indulging her every whim while she slept with every handsome man that tripped over her door mat.
But he had far too much pride to ever play the fool, even hers.
Four: he could walk away now, the only damaged party, and do his best to get over the woman before she destroyed any more of his heart. She wouldn’t go away quietly of course. There wasn’t a single crime scene that had crept past her since the first day she arrived. He could suffer through for now, learn to move on, and then they could be some sort of strange colleagues, friends even, eventually.
He just had to move on.
“Jack?”
He didn’t glance up at his name. He had expected her. Instead, he took a long swig of his drink before hiding the glass on the floor. He didn’t want to have to explain the rare occurrence of drinking at his desk to her. Although, she’d probably notice anyway. He must have looked as terrible as he felt but he tried to steel his features all the same, preparing for the inevitable onslaught that was Phryne Fisher.
“Are you still here? Oh good.” She stormed into his office, unwittingly testifying to the fact that she was a hurricane that could never be contained. No authority on God’s green earth could stop her from doing whatever she wanted. He briefly wondered what it was like to live that recklessly, if she realized how many consequences rippled out of her wake. Perhaps she didn’t care or maybe she was simply oblivious to them. Either way, she’d never slowed down long enough to watch them engulf the innocent bystanders she left behind her. “Claude Haynes stole a vital car part from his sister in order to sabotage her chances in Saturday's rally.”
He glanced meaningfully at his watch, a less than subtle hint at the late hour before casually reminding her of her manners.
“Good evening to you too, Miss Fisher.” He said dryly.
After all, somebody had to stick up for the bystanders.
OOOOO
Jack moved another piece mindlessly, trying to focus on the case, but failing.
“Crown me.” Phryne said with more than a lilt to her voice.
He complied, mostly out of habit, but he hadn’t really heard a word that she said. She only got his attention by beating him handedly. She sighed heavily at his uncooperative nature.
“I won again. You're usually much better at this game. You come here, you drink my whiskey, you accept my help and you won't even do me the courtesy of trying to beat me.” She was never one to let things slide, his recent bad attitude be damned.
He pondered how much he could reveal without scaring her off. Then again, wasn’t that the point of all of this? To be done with it?
"You're right. You're right, I'm off my game.” Jack confessed as he downed the rest of his drink for some courage. “When I heard about the motorcar accident…”
“Hugh sent you a message.” She interrupted, unable to help herself.
“All I heard was 'Miss Fisher'... and ‘a crashed motorcar’.” His statement took her by surprise.
“Jack. You thought it was me?” She practically whispered the realization. His eyes couldn’t resist darting up to get her reaction before he quickly looked down again.
“Well, I'm still here.” She reminded him gently, wanting to comfort him.
“No thanks to your driving.” He said pointedly, refusing to filter his thoughts for her any more. He looked down briefly while he cleared his throat. “Thank you for the nightcap. I must be getting home.” He said as he headed for the door.
She didn’t bother trying to stop him.
OOOOO
He walked slowly up to her door, as reluctantly as he had first walked up to the remains of that car. He knew that what he was about to do was just as lethal.
They were past their dancing days, he thought. She just didn’t know it yet.
When he finally reached the door, he knocked politely, given the late hour. It was his official police knock and he wondered if Phryne would recognize the difference.
“Oh, good evening, Inspector.” Mr. Butler greeted him as he opened the door gallantly for him.
“Evening.” He replied.
“Ah, Jack, I was beginning to give up hope. Whiskey?” She asked happily, already halfway through making the drink before he could even respond. He glanced at the ceiling, trying to find the strength to say what he needed to say. She held out the drink for him and waited for him to take it.
“Oh, no, thank you.” She immediately looked crestfallen and his stomach rolled once more. He hated being the one to make her look like that. He watched as she set down the drink sadly before turning to look at him once more.
“You're not indulging tonight?” She asked, referring to more than just the drink.
She couldn’t have chosen a better word if she tried.
“I came to return something of yours you left in my car.” He said as he handed her the charred remains of her nylon back.
“You didn't wash it?” She teased him ever so lightly, testing the waters.
“I didn't see much point. The exhaust pipe burnt right through it.” He was uncharacteristically short with her, not in the mood to play her games.
“It was only a small delay.” She grinned, proud of herself, despite her antics.
“Engineered by you, once again, to your own advantage.” He said, letting the veil around his anger slip momentarily. The truth was, the anger helped. He’d need it for what was about to come next.
“I know we have some minor points of contention, Jack. But we enjoy uncovering the truth together, don't we?” She was trying to win him over, trying to get him to smile, but it was only making the tight pain in his sternum worse.
“Therein lies the problem.” He answered seriously.
“What do you mean?”
“When I thought it was you, in that wreckage... I found it unbearable.” He confessed, unable to even look at her as he said the word.
“Sounds serious.” She murmured quietly.
“It is.” He assured her with the confidence that only a grown man could have. He was fully aware and willing to admit that he was in love with her.
“I am who I am, Jack. I can't give that up.” She stated, clearly harkening back to previous fights she’d had with other men.
“I'm not asking you to give it up. I would never ask you to do that.” He promised sincerely. The thought was almost too ridiculous to mention.
A look of dawning realization appeared as her eyes desperately searched his own to see if she was right.
“So you're giving up me instead?” She asked merely for his confirmation. Tears sprung to her eyes as she processed what was happening between them.
He cowardly looked down at his hat. After all, that’s what he was doing, taking the cowardly way out of this whole affair.
“What we do best, us, together. You'd sacrifice that?” Her voice broke, right along with his heart, and he had to close his eyes briefly. “If you did that, Jack, I would feel... I would feel like it was you lying in that wreckage.”
She wasn’t wrong. They both knew that this decision would kill what little life he had left within him. And from the look on her face, unbearable was an apt description for her shock as well.
“Please,” she pleaded, “can you think about that?” He barely nodded as he felt his own eyes begin to burn at her words.
“I will.” He promised, but they both knew it was a lie. He turned to leave, unable to breathe with her looking at him like that.
“Jack, no, wait.” She begged and he paused with his hand on the door. “Why are you really doing this?” She asked honestly. “You can’t honestly think that pushing me away will solve anything?”
He set his jaw stubbornly, refusing to give her an answer.
“Good night, Miss Fisher.” He said as he put on his hat and walked out the door.
OOOOO
Jack opened the car door and stopped dead as he saw Phryne standing on his doorstep, waiting for him to come home. He had no idea how she got his address and she must have broken at least... six laws (by his rough count) to beat him back to his house but there she was.
“I couldn’t bear the thought of that being our last conversation.” She replied.
He sighed in resignation and slammed the car door shut. He looked her over as he made his way up the walk. Her eyes were still red, but her voice had returned to her. She seemed calmer and he was already feeling too emotionally exhausted to cause much more damage. He pulled out his keys.
“Come in.” He acquiesced as he opened the door.
“Thank you.” She stepped through his doorway for the first time. He turned on a light and she immediately went to work looking over his possessions. If he wasn’t a detective himself, he would probably feel exposed, but he knew it was habit more than anything else. He took her coat and hung up his own, removing his suit coat for good measure, and when he found her again, she was crying silently, her white handkerchief stained with mascara as she dabbed at her eyes.
“What is it?” He asked, before realizing that was a ridiculous question under the circumstances.
“Your home, it’s…it’s perfect.” She sniffed. “Everywhere I look, I see you in it.” She ran a hand reverently over his bookshelf. “And it’s breaking my heart.” She said honestly.
He sighed and rubbed his hands over his eyes
“Jack, I know that I’m trouble. I drive too fast. I take too many risks. I’m too much and I always have been.” She confirmed through her falling tears, fully aware of her faults. “But you are none of those things.”
Jack swallowed the lump in his throat as her voice cracked again. That sound was going to be the death of him.
“You are careful, cautious, kind, and just. You’re considerate of others and unassailable in the face of corruption. You are, without a doubt, the best man I have ever known.” She admitted with a light sob. “But selfishly, that’s why I need you.”
Jack felt his heart spasm at the statement and he physically clenched his fists at the emotional betrayal of the muscle.
He wouldn't go back. There was nothing else to be done.
“I’m better when you’re around, Jack.” Phryne took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. “And I’d like to think that you’re better for having me around as well.”
“I am.” He answered honestly. Of course he was.
“But…” she spoke the word for him, “it’s not enough.”
“Phryne, I don’t know what else to do.” He said desperately. “You can’t settle down. I can’t be one of many.”
“You never asked me to settle down!” She cried. “You never asked me how I felt or what I could offer. You made the decision alone.”
“Could you?” He asked this time, proving his point. “Could you give up the constant stream of men and be satisfied with just me?”
She looked at him perplexed for a moment.
“There’s nothing ‘just’ about you, Jack.” She whispered darkly and he realized that she understood his fear. This was bigger than their momentary desires. This would be life-changing.
“When I was with Rene, I had no power, no voice. I vowed to never let a man take anything from me ever again.”
“The reason we’re standing here is because I can’t take anything from you.” Jack confessed angrily. “Anything I ask of you would lessen your spirit, ruin the very reasons I love you. If I asked you to go slower, play safer, instead of running full speed through the world, you would be miserable. If you asked me to be just another man in your bedroom, and have only meaningless nights, it would destroy me.” He said.
“I know.” She whispered and she looked broken for the first time in their partnership.
He collapsed into the nearest chair and loosened his tie and collar, unable to go on with the silk adding to his already emotion-clogged throat.
“You love me?” She asked quietly, giving him a sideways glance.
He tossed her a knowing look.
“For how long?” She asked.
“I'm not really sure. I started losing my footing around the Fleuri case, I suspect.”
“Well, sure. All that talk of lingerie.” She teased.
“No.” He said definitively. “You and I have always had… that.” Phryne gave him a tired smile, knowing exactly what he meant.
“Yes we have.” She agreed. “I always thought…” She paused and she waved it off as ridiculous.
“No, please. Don’t stop now.” He replied darkly, knowing there was nothing left to lose.
“I thought that I would be the one to wear you down eventually. I didn’t think it would be the other way around.” She murmured.
“What is that supposed to mean?” He asked.
“As soon as you left my house tonight, I knew I would do anything to keep you in my life.” She shook her head. “I’m still that girl who doesn't want anything until she realizes she can't have it.”
“And once you get it?”
“I don’t know.” She replied quietly. “I’ve never wanted this before.”
“Phryne, you have no idea what you’re asking for here.” Jack dismissed her.
She was quiet for a moment but when she turned around to face him, she had a much more determined look in her eye.
“Do you really love me?” She asked sincerely.
“Yes.” He admitted softly.
“Do you trust me?” She asked, and they both knew it was the bigger question.
“I want to.” He offered.
“But…” She spoke for him.
“I spent 15 years with someone who wanted different things than I did. I can’t do that again.” He said simply.
She closed her eyes and sighed.
“That’s fair.” She agreed. “But what is it that you actually want from me, Jack? Realities of our situation aside, you still haven't asked me for anything.”
Jack went still as he contemplated his answer. He knew it, of course, but saying it out loud was another kettle of fish.
“I want to be with you.” He stated quietly, as if it were still a secret he was keeping. “Not for one night, not on the side, just you and me.”
Phryne took a moment to turn around and stare out the window again. Her silence was echoing around the room.
Jack wanted to give her time to think, wanted to let her process but the investigative part of him was dying of curiosity.
When she finally turned back around, Jack felt his stomach leap into his throat.
“If you ask me for everything, Jack, then my everything has to be enough.”
He frowned, not understanding her statement.
“I don’t know if I can be what you need.” She explained. “I don’t know if my all will be enough for you.” She was trying hard to keep her voice neutral, but Jack could see her walls chipping away with every glance she gave him.
“Not enough? Five minutes ago, we agreed that you were too much for me.” He said as he stood up, taking a chance and closing some of the physical distance between them. She was looking weaker with every step.
“That’s different.” She maintained, but his hands were holding hers now and the electricity flowing through them was making them both weaker.
“I love you , Phryne, all of you. Even the parts that make me want to wring your neck from time to time.” He smiled and she chuckled to herself. “I want to trust you, I do. I just… I need to know we’re on the same page.” He sighed. “Do you trust me?” He asked her.
“With my life.” She stated without a second thought. Jack felt his stomach flip at her choice of words and he gave them both a moment to process it. The other question to consider was still hanging in the air but Jack refused to ask it. She would have to come to that decision on her own time. He could wait.
“So then we’ll trust each other.” Jack replied simply. She nodded.
“And be straightforward.” Phryne requested as she pulled on his hands. “No more cutting me out of decisions. I want a say.”
“Yes.” He promised. “And no other lovers. I want all of your nights, meaningless or otherwise.” He murmured as he reached up to graze her cheek with the back of his fingers. Phryne shivered at his touch.
“Starting tonight?” She requested as she ran her palms from his shoulders down to his chest.
“Starting tonight.” He agreed, unable to take his eyes off her lips.
Phryne smiled slowly and hooked a finger in the V of his waistcoat, pulling him in for a long kiss to seal the deal.
And just like that, Jack Robinson was undone all over again.