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My heart was leaping the moment the door closed behind us. As we set the grocery bags down, my hands shook out of pure fear. Win had been overly distant these past few weeks, almost months, and my brain and body seemed to know what was gonna happen before I did. We got comfortable on the couch, and all I could do was pray that the conversation wasn't gonna take place now. I wanted nothing more than to have him by my side for as long as humanly possible, yet the tension in the room was palpable. You could cut it with a knife. I looked down at my shaking hands and the tears came before I could top them. I turned to him and he matched my devastated gaze.
“Please don't." I finally spoke, my voice cracking.
“I just don't want to hold you back, Sound.” Win's voice was small, yet firm. As if he had come to terms with this already.
“You don't!” My voice was shaky, it was wavering even just on two words. It felt like the world was crumbling all around me. My chest was tight and my eyes stung. How could this be happening? To us? To me and Win? The boy I knew in my heart I wanted to marry and stay together with until we grew old was standing in front of me and telling me he wanted to end it. To break up with me. I shook my head, both to clear it and to dismiss his words.
“You deserve to reach for the stars, Sound.” He spoke softly, his eyes watery and red from the unshed tears. “I just keep you pinned to the ground. You deserve better.”
“I don't want better, you idiot!” I yelled, grabbing him by the shoulders. “I want- fuck, I need you.” A tear slipped from him, causing me to start crying too. He cupped my face gently, with the most heartbroken look in his eyes, kissing my forehead. A goodbye kiss. “No, no no no, Win, please-” my voice cracked, choked by the overwhelming flow of regret, anger, sadness, love and heartbreak that was flowing through my body. My hands gripped the fabric of his shirt, desperately.
“I love you, Sound.” He whispered, pressing his forehead against my own.
“Then stay.” I almost breathed, my head dizzy from the amount of tears I was holding in.
He didn't.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
My voice was gone from all the screaming and crying I had been doing as my brain actively realized over and over again that he was gone. After five, almost six, years together. How can that be real? What had I done wrong? We hadn't even been fighting recently. Actually, our fighting had decreased; which was probably the sign I had practically missed. I kept replaying the moment over and over, thinking back about how I hoped this wasn’t the end. Could I have done something differently? Should I have said something different?
The doorbell rang and I took a deep breath, knowing who'd be there. Tinn and Gun stood, gentle smiles on their faces, carrying takeout and sweets. I moved aside to let them in, without a word. Tinn was the first out of us three to speak. He sat down, offering me a drink as Gun put the pizza slices on plates.
“How are you holding up?” His voice was soft, and careful. I knew both of them could see the way my face was red and wet from the tears. I shook my head, sitting beside him on the couch. Tinn offered a small pat on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. I let out a defeated sigh and attempted to relax against the cushions. Gun came to sit on my other side, indicating the pizza. I nodded, taking a slice. We ate in silence for a few minutes before the bands leader coughed softly. He seemed to be choosing his next words carefully.
“Win wants to…um, he told me that he will be taking a break from the band.” My eyes closed, trying to keep it together. There was something so incredibly wrong about all of this. There was something he wasn't telling us. A part of me wanted to march over to him - wherever he was - and force it out of him. Tinn grimaced.
“Do the others know?”
“Not yet. I'm gonna tell them during practice.”
“Our next band practice...” I spoke, realizing I won't be able to focus on anything. Music is actually supposed to be a good distraction for me, but playing without Win…the thought of it made me sick.
“Yeah, you don't have to come if you don't think you'll be able to handle it.” I nodded, weakly. Tinn and Gun continued the conversation, but I tuned it out. My brain still hadn't caught up with the fact that I would have to eventually help Win move all of his stuff out of our place that we had spent an absurd amount of time picking, wanting it to be perfect for our new chapter. And now, instead of starting a new chapter together, Win had closed the book entirely. It felt like I was missing a limb and it hadn't even been a full day yet.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
60 days. Two months.
I hadn’t spoken to Win in two months. He still hadn’t come to pick up his stuff, and no way in hell was I gonna touch it until he told me what he wanted to do with it.
Fans started noticing that I was acting odd, too. When I announced my two week break from social media, it blew the fuck up because I had never done that before. Of course, I couldn’t give any proper explanation. And these past few weeks since my return, people have been asking over and over if I was okay and seemed to notice the fatigue in my face. I’m usually one to critique parasocial relationships and behavior, but they weren’t wrong, so I didn’t say anything.
Win hadn’t been to practice for all this time either, and the only people who heard from him at all were Tiw & Por. He wasn’t talking to anyone else. I had attempted to pry more information out of the two of them, but they didn’t say anything, so I was just left to sit here in my own thoughts, worried out of my mind for the boy I still loved so very deeply.
That’s why I decided I was gonna be the one to do something about this. I knew that the likelihood of him refusing to talk to me was high, but I wanted - no, needed - to be optimistic.
I took a deep breath, feeling quite…invasive. I had snooped on Tiws phone and found out where Win was staying. I now stood in front of the hotel room, trying to calm my nerves before I knocked.
one. pause.
one, two. pause.
one, two, three, four. pause.
one.
Our secret knock that we had made when we were touring with the band to know that the other was there and not the other members. That way, he’d know I was there and could choose to open the door or not.
There was movement on the other end before, and at my knock it paused for a moment. I counted the seconds, nervous out of my mind. What if he chose to ignore me? How was I supposed to get through to him then? I couldn’t leave not having talked to him. What if he never wanted to see me-
“What are you doing here, Sound?”
His voice was soft, tone gentle. Yet, I could hear the slight tremble in his voice. He looked so unkept; his hair unwashed and pjs wrinkled. He didn’t look like he’d been outside for weeks, months even. Two months, specifically.
Oh, my boy.
“I- I need to talk to you. Can I? Can I come in?” I spoke gently, almost as if talking to a wounded animal. His eyes softened, and with only a moment’s hesitation, he stepped aside to let me in.
oh. my. good god.
I have never seen any room in a state that this room was in. Empty food containers scattered all around the room, both on the bed and on the floor. His clothes all dirty, all equally scattered. It smelled rancid, as if a window hadn’t been opened once since the room has been in use. I wanted to cry.
“Win…” I said, trying to keep my voice steady as I turned to face him. He gave me a fake-sheepish smile, one I could tell held so much shame. God, I wanted nothing more than to hug him…to kiss him and tell him that everything was okay. That I was here. So, I did.
I took a soft breath, stepping forward and placing a hand on his cheek, gently. That made him look at me properly. His gaze fell, the smile replaced with so much pain. I stroked his cheek, gently. Him not pulling away was all the invitation I needed. I leaned in, giving him space to pull away if he wanted. Instead, he met we halfway, kissing me. The kiss was gentle, careful, yet filled with so much emotion. I pulled him just ever so slightly closer, and he matched my movements, putting his hand on my waist. When we pulled away, I rested my forehead against his.
“My love, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me you were going through so much?” He kept his eyes closed, his words spoken so softly, as if admitting the truth made him scared. Scared of my reaction.
“Because…I was afraid you’d judge me. or…more accurately, I didn’t think you deserved to be burdened by my problems. I didn’t want to…stand in your way. I didn’t want to drag you down with me.”
I sucked in a breath, my grip on him tightening.
“oh, Win. You don’t understand, do you?” Win blinked, opening his eyes to meet my gaze. “I would have happily been the one to clean up after you here. After every meal, I would have thrown these things away.” I gestured at the empty boxes. “I would’ve watched your hair for you. I would have been happily cleaning your clothes, just as long as I could’ve stayed by your side.” Wins eyes watered, his breath hitching.
“Sound…”
“Win, I love you. No matter what stage of your life you’re in. No matter how you’re feeling. I love you more then anything.”
“More then music?” He attempted to joke, but his breath hitched at my reply.
“Of course. Of course I love you more. I’d give it up for you if you asked.” That seemed to break him. That seemed to be exactly what he needed to hear. His knees gave in, and he collapsed into my arms. His sobs filled my ears, making my heart ache more then it ever had before. I held him tight, pulling him properly into my arms.
· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·
I ran my hands through his hair, the shampoo spreading across his hair and my arm. I held his body close to my own, the water flowing down to us both, soaking us. I moved my hands down to his body next, soaping my hands up. He leaned into my touch, clearly trying to savior everything as much as possible. I kissed his back, and he let out a soft sigh of contemptment. I was beyond grateful to have him this close to me again.
“When you said you’d take care of me like this, i didn’t think you were being this literal.”
“What? about washing you?”
“Yeah.” His voice was so weak. I smiled softly, turning him around. I kissed him, gently. He held me close. “Thank you, Sound. Truly. I think I just fell in love with you all over again.” I smiled, cupping his face and kissing him again.
“Let’s clean the hotel up and go home, yeah?” He nodded, his body automatically responding to the word “home.” When we stepped out of the shower, Win looked in the mirror. His eyes scanned over his body, and he met my gaze in the mirror. He smiled. Actually smiled.
“I haven’t felt like myself in so long. Thank you, Sound.” I smiled, coming up behind him, wrapping my arms around him. He leaned against me and put his palms above mine.
This is all i’ve ever wanted.
Him home with me.