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the violet twilight of tokyo-3 bled through the windows of the music room, leaving long, jagged shadows across the piano keys. shinji had just left, his shy, lingering smile still burning in kaworus mind like a brand.
kaworu stood alone in the bathroom of his apartment, stared into the mirror.
the face reflecting back was too perfect, his skin like translucent porcelain, eyes like polished garnets, and hiis mane of silver-white hair looked as ethereal as a cloud. to anyone else, he was an angel. to himself, he was a hollow vessel - a counterfeit human molded by seele.
“shinji-kun touched these hands”. kaworu thought.
the warmth from shinjis fingers during their four-hand piano piece was still there, it was too vivid, it made kaworu feel like an invader, stealing a kind of affection he wasnt designed to hold. he was an angel, a being fruit of life, yet he craved the touch of a lilin boy.
his heart - if he could call it that - throbbed with a suffocating sense of displacement. he looked at a glass bottle of water sitting on the sink counter, clear and undisturbed. in a sudden, uncharacteristic burst of violence, kaworu grabbed the bottle and slammed it against the edge of the porcelain sink.
the sound of it was deafening in the small room. shards exploded everywhere, glittering like diamonds on the floor. kaworu didnt flinch as a small piece grazed his cheek. he looked down at the jagged remains in his hand. he hadnt planned it, but the chaos of the shattered glass felt more like his true self than the boy in the mirror ever could.
he picked up a long, wicked shard from the sink. he didnt tremble. he was terrifyingly calm right now.
he pressed the jagged edge into his bare forearm. he didnt cut quickly; he pressed slowly, watching the skin surrender and tear. a thick, dark crimson seeped out, trailing down his white skin and dripping onto the floor. it was hot.
“it hurts,” he whispered, a faint, ghostly smile pulling at his lips. “so this is what it feels like to exist.”
and then, he pressed the shard of glass repeatedly into the cut he had just made, a shallow split appeared. thanks to his quickened pace, he saw the stark white of the dermis just before the thick, red fluid began to well up and drown it. he stopped only when the wound was too far gone to take any more, finally moving away to slice into a new area. evach cut was a desperate attempt to feel "real." he wanted to mar the divine perfection until he found something crooked and human.
the silence was shattered by frantic footsteps.
clack
the door swung wide. shinji stood there, breathless, clutching the sheet music he’d forgotten.
"kaworu-kun? im sorry, i forgot my sheet music..."
shinji stepped into the narrow, dark hallway. the apartment was eerily silent, but as he took a few steps further, a heavy, metallic scent hit him - thick and cloying, the unmistakable smell of fresh blood. his heart hammered against his ribs. he turned the corner toward the small glow of light spilling from the half-open bathroom door. each step felt like walking through lead.
the words died. in front of him was kaworu, standing amidst shattered glass, his bare arms already striped with sickening red gashes. the blood was running down to his fingertips, staining his palms.
"kaworu-kun?”
"shinji-kun..." kaworu didn't hide his arm. he stood still, like a cracked statue. his red eyes met shinjis with a mixture of tenderness and brutality."i didnt intend for you to see this. its not very beautiful, is it?”
shinji dropped the music sheets. the papers scattered like dead leaves. he lunged forward, not out of fear, but out of a wild, protective instinct. he seized kaworus wrist, his small hands shaking violently as they met the cold skin and the hot, sticky flow of blood.
"why...?" shinjis voice broke. "you always tell me im important... you always protect me... so why are you doing this to yourself?”
kaworu tilted his head, a silver lock of hair obscuring his eyes. "because i dont know pain, shinji-kun. i see you suffer, i see humans writhe in fear, and I feel envious. i wanted to be like you... to be a little more real.”
he reached out with his clean hand, his fingertips tracing shinjis pale, tear-stained cheek. "dont look at me like a savior anymore. look at me as something shattered. omly then... do i feel truly by your side.”
shinji didnt answer. he couldnt. he forced kaworu to sit on the edge of the bathtub and ran to find the first-aid kit.
he knelt on the cold floor, resting kaworus arm on his lap. he was trembling, but his eyes were fierce. he soaked a cotton ball and began to dab away the drying blood. when the antiseptic touched the open cuts, kaworus body flinched instinctively. but he didn't pull away. he savored the sting because it came with the warmth of shinjis touch.
"yourre doing a good job, shinji-kun," kaworu said softly.
"don't smile," shinji snapped, his voice thick with repressed sobs. "don't smile when youre hurting. i.. i hate it."
shinji began to wrap the gauze. he did it meticulously, as if he were handling the most precious porcelain in the world. the white bandages slowly hid the raw red gashes, hiding the "imperfections" kaworu had just created.
when the last loop was secured, shinji didnt let go. he pressed his forehead against kaworus bandaged wrist and closed his eyes.
"kaworu-kun... if you feel like you arent human, if you feel empty... then just hold onto me," shinji sobbed. "dont use glass. use me. squeeze my hand, scream at me—anything. just please... dont hurt the person i care about most."
kaworu froze. a warm tear fell from shinjis face, soaking through the gauze and touching his skin. it was hot. hotter than the blood, hotter than the pain he had craved.
"go to bed, kaworu-kun. you need to rest."
"i dont actually need sleep the way humans do, shinji-kun. my form—"
"i dont care what your form is!" shinji interrupted, his voice rising in desperate sorrow. "tonight, youre my friend. and my friend goes to sleep when theyre hurt. lets go."
shinji practically pulled him toward the bed. he tucked kaworu in, pulling the thin blanket up to his chest, carefully avoiding the bandaged arm.
"where will you go?" kaworu asked, his voice lost in the dark. he was suddenly afraid of the silence.
shinji didnt leave. he pulled a wooden chair close to the bed and sat down, gripping kaworus hand through the blanket. "im right here. ill stay until youre asleep."
kaworu stared at the ceiling. "shinji-kun..."
"yeah?"
"my bed... is wide enough for two."
shinji hesitated, his ears turning red in the shadows. but seeing kaworus pale face, his heart melted. he quietly climbed into the bed, lying on the outside, keeping a small distance but letting their shoulders touch.
in the dark, kaworu turned over, burying his face in the crook of shinjis neck. the scent of cheap soap and shinjis warmth made him feel grounded.
"goodnight, my lilin," kaworu whispered into his hair.
shinji didnt say a word. he just reached under the blanket and squeezed kaworus fingers, a silent promise that tomorrow, he would still be there to bind the wounds.