Chapter Text
-Ziva-
After Ziva bid Tony goodbye at the airport, she continued her soul-searching journey. After three weeks of traveling through the many countries she had been to, with different alias for so many missions her father assigned her. The missions she took without even dared to question her father. She broke down.
For the first week of her traveling, she went to Cairo, ecstatic, eagerly finding all the news pieces of the puzzles to the beauty of the cities she ignored when she was on a mission. It was way too risky to admire the cities when you have to keep your cover. Now, she was just a traveler. She used her real name, and her American passport. She was just Ziva David. She always traveled light, but she always kept one book she found in the farmyard Anne of Green Gables. She found it on the shelf in Tali’s bedroom. She had never thought she would get attached to this book that she had to bring it with her. Maybe she was hanging on to the memory of her sister, or simply because she felt calm when she caressed her fingers through the written TALI on the first page. Her sweet little sister even drew a star instead of a dot on the letter I. The second week, she went to Europe, Milan first, then some time in Paris. During her stay in Milan, her ecstatic emotion had turn into numbness. It didn’t help the situation that a certain movie addict Italian she loved so deeply kept popping into her head when she gallivanted the streets during the day, and in her dream during the night. Her next stop is even more painful, the memory of the time in Paris with Jenny and with Tony kept overwriting her senses of reality. By the time she went to Berlin things went out of control, day and night, the memory of her Israeli Mossad life, every trigger she pulled, every live she took, flooded in. The guilt she felt towards the families of the dead and the helpless feeling taking orders from her Abba had devoured her.
She went back to the farmhouse and cut all the communication to the rest of the world. Adam came by one afternoon, he wanted to talk to Ziva, but she only let him in the house and they sat on the sofa for four hours. Adam only stashed her fridge and left. She couldn’t bring herself to eat anything, for a week after she returned, she only consumed one loaf of bread and water. She could not sleep, just lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling all night. Finally she went into a break down. What started here, ends here. Maybe it’s best for everyone. She thought as she played with her knife between her fingertips. She turned on the showerhead, sliding down to the floor and slit her wrist.
-Orli Elbaz-
Orli Elbaz sent Adam Eshel to cheek on Ziva the second she knew she was back in Israel. She felt mixing emotions towards the only child alive of Eli David, the last piece she could hold onto of her love since Eli was killed, she also felt guilt for tearing the family apart. Without any children of her own, she valued Ziva as her daughter. The last time they met, Ziva was so angry at her, but she truly was the daughter of Eli, she all but admired the capability of this extraordinary young woman.
Since Adam failed to bring Ziva to talk, Orli decided to pay Ziva a visit. She knocked the door but no answer, she yelped her name but no respond. Something is not right, it was too quiet even for book addict and no TV Ziva. Orli picked the lock and went in, the only sound in the house was running water. Ziva is showering in midday? No, the sound is not right, it’s too continual for a shower. Orli inched towards the bathroom and saw Ziva sitting in a puddle of mixtures of water and blood.
-Hospital-
“29-year-old Female, laceration to the left wrist, BP 69/80, not responding. ” a doctor in scrub said as he wheeled Ziva to the trauma room. “ I need full blood work, ”he continued as he signed to a nurse near the station to take Orli aside. “and a tox screen, page psychiatry!”
Orli could only watched Ziva disappeared behind the door, hoping that she would not disappear from her life.
It’s been twelve hours since Orli found Ziva. Thank god she was fine, she quietly pushed open the door to her ward. Ziva had thick bandage on her left wrist sleeping on her back, with an IV to her right hand. The doctor from earlier greeted her as he walked through the hall and caught her peeking in.
“Ms. Elbaz, sorry to meet you under this circumstances. I am doctor DeLuca, I am the attending to your daughter. We need to talk to you about her situation.”
“Shalom , doctor DeLuca, but Ziva is not my daughter. ” She said without tearing her eyes towards the ward. “But, some what close that.” She added with whisper “At least for me.”
“Well then, can you please contact her next of kin, we need to discuss the situation with them.”
“She doesn’t… she doesn’t have anyone else.” Orli shook her head.
“Ok, how about the baby’s father? Do you know him?”
Confusion written all over her face “What baby?”
“Oh,” The doctor realized “emmm, according to the blood test results, Ms. David is currently 8-9 weeks pregnant. We did an ultrasound this afternoon which confirmed it. ” He said as he flipped through the clipboard handed by a nurse coming out of Ziva’s ward. “Due to the complicated situation of Ms. David, we hope we can talk to the baby’s father.”
“Of course doctor.” She let out a sigh. “I’ll see if I can contact him.”
“Do you know if Ms. David know about her condition?” The doctor asked before sent her into the ward.
“Honestly, I have no idea.” She went on to seat next to Ziva.
-Tony Dinozzo-
Tony DiNozzo jerked awake by his alarm, no not his alarm but his cellphone. Another case he thought, picking up his phone without reading the caller ID. “Yeah, boss.” He stretched his arms above his head and tucked the phone between his ears and shoulder with a big yawn.
No response.
“Boss?”
“Agent DiNozzo? This is Orli Elbaz.” She continued before he interrupted “I know your opinion about what kind of person I am, BUT I am calling because of Ziva. She is in a hospital, she needs you here”
Any sleep he had left all but disappeared. Jumping to his feet, he combed his hair and panicking. “What… what happened? Is she… is she alive?”
“She is alive, and physically relatively unharmed.” Orli staring towards Ziva through the window.
“I will hop on the next flight to Tel Aviv.” He hung up the phone and grabbed his go bag, sending a brief text to Gibbs.
Hours of flight had never felt so much like an eternity. He could not even sit still in the fight seat. The nice kid about 15 sitting next to him had to stopped reading and asked if he was afraid of height and if he needed to changed seat with him to the ales seat. He smiled and thanked the kid.
He finally got to the hospital. There was nothing more disturbing than seeing a pale as hell Ziva under sedation in a hospital gown, her olive skin all but turn so pale with some shades of green, dark circle under her beautiful eyes. Another closer look at her, he saw the bandage on her wrist. The nice sunlight cased down on her through the curtain and yet she looked so deep in the dark even in her sleep.
Elbaz escorted a doctor towards him, Oh boy, it took all his control to not knock her teeth out.
“Agent DiNozzo, my name is doctor James DeLuca. Ms. Elbaz told me about your relationship with Ms. David. We hope to talk to you about her condition.” Doctor DeLuca said signaling Tony to take a seat outside the ward as he sat down himself.
“Please doctor, call me Tony”
“Tony, Ms. David was found unconscious in her bathroom, we believed she was trying to commit suicide. ”
Tony let out a desperate sign and buried his face with his hands.
“And, there is more. We found out she is also currently 8-9 weeks pregnant. We also had a consult with psych and OB, for now, the baby and Ms. Ziva are stable, but we put her under stasis for now, she needs to sleep for at least for 48 hours, so she will be awake tomorrow about this time. ” Doctor DeLuca hesitated “By then you can talk to her about options you have.”
“Oh, God!” Tony looked up from his hands with disbelief. “I…I can’t believe… she would…and she…”
“I know it’s a lot to take in, you can take as long as you need and I’ll be here when you need me.” Doctor DeLuca put his hand on Tony’s knee, gave him a encouraging pat and stood up to leave.
Tony went into Ziva’s room and sat down on the chair next to her. He inspected her bandaged left hand, held her uninjured right hand towards his face placing a gentle kiss on top of it and whispered: “What happen Ziva, why did you do this to yourself? ”
-Ziva-
She felt someone holding her hand when she came to, a rather familiar hand. Her head was ponding so hard that her vision blurred, but she could still make out the big smile pestering on his face. TONY.
“Why are you here?” Her voice hoarse from the sleep. She couldn’t see what’s her clearly, but the smell of sanitizing was a pretty obvious indicator of where she was.
“Ziva,” His voice thick with emotion. “I… I nearly loss you again.” He tighten his hold on her hand. “Please, don’t do this again.” He almost sounded desperate at the last word. He ran a hand through her curls, which got tangled and almost like a bird nest.
They sat there for half an hour with silence, Tony too shaken up and Ziva with pang of guilt to interrupting his life once again. Doctor DeLuca showed up to check on his patient.
“Ms. David”
Ziva jumped
“Sorry to startle you, we are glad you are awake.” Doctor DeLuca briefed her about her situation.
Her head was swimming with the agonizing screams from nowhere. The doctor’s words were making no sense to her, suicide, pregnant, options… Her head hurt like a bitch that she started to feel nauseated, but the doctor continued talking. God, he is even noisier than Tony.
“… You are currently 8-9 weeks, so you still have time if you want an abortion.”
It was the word that snapped her head back to reality. “NO.” It came out louder than she expected. She cleared her throat “ No, I … I want to keep it…I want to keep my baby.” She swallowed and forced the bile back down, but the tears streamed out of her eyes. “I can’t sign a dead certificate to the only blood tie I have left. ” bring her bandaged hand on her lower abdomen.
Tony’s heart clenched at her claimed and started rubbing soothing circles on her back.
“In that case,” doctor DeLuca gave them a smile, “CONGRATULATIONS! ” He continued: “We had an ultrasound photo for you when you here. ” He hand out a blurry black and white photo to them. “We did the ultrasound yesterday, thought you may want a copy.”
“Thank you” They said in unision.
“However, due to the self-injury part, our psychiatrist wanted you to be always accompanied by family or…”
“I’ll keep her companied.” Tony said without hesitation.
“We also think that it would be preferred to have Ms. David surrounded by friends and fam… ” Doctor DeLuca stopped midsentence. “I mean, a good supporting system would be preferred.” He put his hands behind his back. “So, you can be released tomorrow if nothing changes. Congratulations again.”
-Tony-
After dinner, well, dinner for Tony anyway, but he gently coxed some plain toast down to Ziva’s stomach before she gagged, for now, he counted it as a small victory. They snuggled in the tiny hospital bed. Ziva remained silence and Tony with his arms tightly holding Ziva, chattered about movies, trying to distract her from her own torturing cellar, but he couldn’t bring up the elephant in the room and he wouldn’t dare to suggest going back to the States, afraid to push too hard that she would walk away or shut down again. He kept mumbling for an hour and so on. To his surprise, Ziva turned in his arms and looked into his eyes.
“We should go back to DC” She said.
“Is this…” Tony stuttered
“I want this baby to know her father if…if I couldn’t be there with her. ” Ziva said wincing.
“What are you talking about? Ninja?” Tony looked at Ziva with desperation, tighten his hold on her, burying her head onto his chest and rubbing her back when she let her tears run freely in silence.
“Then we will go back to DC, we will reunite with our family.” Tony all but keep soothing her with whispers.
The next day when he woke up with Ziva absent, his heart skipped a beat, until he heard sobbing from the bathroom, then came retching. He bolted to his feet and ran to the bathroom. He found her siting on the tiles hugging the ceramic toilet. He crouched down and rubbed her back. When the retching quiet down, he helped her clean up and held her tightly sitting on the floor.
They went back to the farmhouse to pack some Ziva’s stuff. Tony found Ziva lingering in front of the bathroom door.
“If I knew about the baby, I wouldn’t…I…” Ziva said with volume barely above whisper.
“Shh…It’s ok now” He held her against his chest combing her curly hair. “We will be fine.” He felt her feet wobbling and decided moving to the coach would be a better option.
He held her at the coach, feeling her shivering. “You know, for once in my life, I was so grateful to Orli Elbaz. Hadn’t she found you in time…”
Ziva tensed in his arm. “I thought it was Adam.”
“No, it’s Orli. Apparently, she was worried about you. She was pretty desperate when she called me.”
Ziva pondered his words. “I still don’t trust her.”
“You don’t have to, but I think I should thank her in person before we get back to DC.” Tony held her even tighter. “To save the life of the love of my life.”
Ziva was in shock to this straightforward expression of affection, unable to utter a word.
They sat there for a few minutes, deciding it was better to leave the house. After they met Orli for coffee, they went straight to the airport.
Ziva was dozing off the entire flight. The lack of sleep caught up on her once he settled her into her seat, her head on his shoulder.
-L.J Gibbs-
It was a Friday late afternoon. It had been quiet four days since DiNozzo left to Tel Aviv. He knew that they had feelings for each other since the day they met, but they did their best trying to respect rule #12. He appreciated the efforts, but he knew the rule didn’t apply to them when Ziva was presumed dead on that ship. He further confirmed it when DiNozzo came back from Israel alone and acting like a part of him died for a whole month. He also didn’t care about that rule anymore when Ziva confessed to him that he was the father figure in his basement, as he too took her as his daughter long ago.
He asked McGee to go home after 6:00 pm, since they didn’t have a case, and Gibbs himself left half an hour later. When he got home, he noticed DiNozzo’s car parted out front the house. He selfishly hoped that he didn’t come back alone this time. He was relieved to see Tony and Ziva on his couch. He let out a smile at the sight of them standing up greeting him. He even gave out a heartfelt laugh when they told him they were going to have a baby.
But something wasn’t quite right with Ziva, her smile seemed hollow and her long sleeve was too neat on her wrist.
“DiNozzo, you are cooking Italian for us tonight ”
“On it boss. ” DiNozzo eyed Ziva with twitch of worried but went to his kitchen to check on his fridge. Beer, beer, and more beer. “Boss, you don’t have anything in there.”
“Grocery store down the street.” Gibbs’ eyes fixed on Ziva, talking to DiNozzo without looking at his direction.
DiNozzo took the hint that he wanted to talk to Ziva alone, leaving the house without arguing.
Gibbs ushered Ziva to the kitchen. He went through the cabinet finding jasmine tea. He silently set a pot of water to brew, took out three mugs and trough the teabag in one of the mugs. They waited in silence again, Ziva’s gaze on the pot as Gibbs making himself coffee. Talking about a watched pot never boils, the was ready as the coffee was done. It was inevitable to have the talk.
Gibbs carefully filled the mug with hot water, handing it to Ziva, the smell of the tea mixing with jasmine somehow magically melted the tense to Ziva’s shoulder. Gibbs watched her sat down on the stool by the cabinet. It was barely the end of September yet Ziva was holding the mug so tight, favoring the heat like she was freezing. Something was definitely not right.
“I heard you’ve been traveling.” Gibbs started.
“Yeah, I was.” Ziva gave a simple answer before sniffing the fragrance from the mug.
“Your resignation didn’t go through, so you can still come back to work.” Gibbs took a sip of his coffee, and the room was filled with silence again.
“Are you alright? Ziver?” Gibbs rose his eyebrow when she didn’t answer. “You can take sabbaticals. But we could really use your skill set.” He reached out his hand trying reaching for the napkin between them, but Ziva retrieved her left hand like it needed to be kept secret. Gibbs didn’t have a good look at what she was hiding under her sleeves, but he had reasonable doubt. “You know, after Shannon died, I lost my purpose of living, trying to shoot myself with my gun once or twice. ”
Ziva raised her head from the mug, looking into Gibbs’s eyes. “How did you know?”
“The sparkles die down in your eyes.”
“I…I couldn’t bare all the guilt anymore…I just…I thought I would be gone silently, without anyone noticing, but when the doctor told me I was with child…” She put her left hand on her lower stomach. “I was almost glade I didn’t success. Otherwise…”
“DiNozzo would be devastated.” Gibbs tiled his head towards the door
Ziva let out a shaky smile. “Yeah… I didn’t want to disturb his life, but almost ended up ruining it for him… I guess that was the reason for rule #12.”
Gibbs snorted. “Nah, that one didn’t prevent what was meant to be.”
For an hour after they arrived, Gibbs finally saw a genuine smile from Ziva.
The sound of DiNozzo’s car came close when Gibbs finished his coffee. He put up a new pot for DiNozzo and took out a milk carton from the fridge, knowing he couldn’t stomach his Gibbs’ coffee, as he called it.
-Anthony DiNozzo-
“Boss! I got all the ingredients for the DiNozzo lasagna! ” Tony closed the door with his foot holding two large bags of food. He found Ziva going through a book from Gibbs’ collection while Gibbs was pouring coffee to a mug. “Eh…boss, you have any…” Gibbs added milk to the coffee. “Ah… boss, you read me like an open book!” Gibbs smirked and handed DiNozzo the mug trading him with the grocery.
Ziva and DiNozzo cooked like they had done it a thousand times. The DiNozzo lasagna made their mouth water. They sat at the table eating, Ziva took a few mouthful and started picking at it. Tony looked at Gibbs for help.
“Ziva, my words earlier still stands, you can come back to work. Vance didn’t sigh your resignation.” Gibbs said after he swallowed.
“I don’t know if I could…” She sighed “But I do miss you guys.”
“How about this, Vance told me yesterday you came back, part time, then you decide the rest parts. You can transfer to translation or counter intelligence. ” Gibbs took a sip of his coffee.
Tony smiled “ You knew Ziva would come back before you actually see her? Boss! You are clairvoyant?”
Gibbs smirked “He told me he receive several resume for the job, even he didn’t put out any recruitment information. He also secretly wanted Ziva back to the team, and add a new additional agent in my team.” Gibbs shook his head. “He thought we were doing a six men job with half of the personal, the union wasn’t a fan of it.”
“But he would allow you to choose the new probie right? Boss? ” Tony mumble between his bites.
“Yeah, that’s what he said.” Gibbs wiped his mouth with a napkin. “And I said I wanted to keep Ziva if she came back.”
“Thank you Gibbs. It means a lot.” Ziva was teary eyes again. “We will sort some things out and I want to try to go back part time from Monday.”
“We need to get you to see the doctor about the baby and the… your …”Tony hesitated the last words.
“I agree, we will go to doctor Langer from Bethesda. He knew my medical history since he treated me when I got back from Somalia.” Ziva winced again mentioning the history.
-T&Z-
That night after leaving Gibbs’ house, they went back to DiNozzo’s apartment. They snuggled in Tony’s twin bed, discussing the changes and adjustments to come.
“You never turn down my lasagna before,” He traced his figure along her arm. “Still feeling sick?”
“Just queasy. It felt like my stomach was rubbed against sand paper. ” She hugged Tony closer, pressing her upper stomach against a pillow to ease the uncomfortable feeling.
Saturday was lazy. After contacting with doctor Langer the good doctor was successfully squeezing Ziva into his schedule for the next day. Doctor Langer had his worries, which was why they agreed to have Ziva over as soon as possible. It also eased Tony’s nerves to see Ziva finished a whole falafel sandwich at noon. But as the sun setting down, Ziva had become nauseated again. They decided to turn in early at nine pm, Tony watching silence movie as Ziva reading a book on their bed.
Sunday was like a roller-coaster. Doctor Langer was the one treating Ziva after what she survived the months torture in Somalia. Ziva was told that after what her body had gone through, the likelihood of her having children in the future was slim.
Doctor sat them down in his office flipping through Ziva’s medical history chart and the newly arrived results. “Agent David, according to the blood test, ultrasound and your last period, you are 9 weeks pregnant, your due day will be 16th April next year. The transvaginal ultrasound indicated some scar tissue on your uterus wall. After counseling with OB, we decided to rule this a high-risk pregnancy. It would be better if you stay out of field for the rest of your pregnancy, that’s no chasing any suspects or kicking down doors. Maybe you can still process a crime scene, if it is not so physically taxing. Look out for any abnormal abdominal pain, or vaginal bleeding. Those could be the sigh of miscarriage.”
When they discussed it, Ziva dag her nails so deep into her palms unconsciously, blood dripping from her palm.
Seeing the emotional state of Ziva, doctor Langer turned to the soothing scary patient mode “But I wouldn’t be too worried about that, your physical condition is relatively well, so we are now cautiously optimistic.”
Doctor Langer suggested her to resume her therapy with doctor Jones, since she was the one helped Ziva through those dark period after Somalia. They checked an found doctor Jones available for the afternoon.
That was where Ziva spent her Sunday afternoon, while DiNozzo sneaked back into doctor Langer’s office asking for more information about the situation.
“What can I do for you agent DiNozzo?” Doctor Langer said looking up from his file.
“Hi, doctor.” Tony slipped to the doctor’s office. “I would like to know what I can do for her.” He scratched his hair. “I would do anything to make her ok, and the baby of course.”
“Well,” doctor Langer sighed Tony to sit on the chair opposite to his desk. “Pretty much like what you are doing right now, being there for her through anything, keeping her from overdoing her work or housekeeping. ” Doctor Langer rubbed his chin. “A very important thing is to also take care of yourself, while you take care of her. It could be hard for you seeing your loved one suffering. ” Doctor Langer added after a second “How is her appetite?”
“Generally not so good.”
“That is predictable. Small and frequent meals is a good strategy. My wife lived on crackers and milk the first four months pregnant with our daughter, but it got better.”
“Ok, thank for your time doctor.”
Ziva had forgotten how straining it was to do therapy. For fifty minutes with doctor Jones, she only relaxed herself enough to trust the doctor again, considering they haven’t seen each other for two years since her last session, and the tighten emotional state of Ziva, it was a big progress already.
Tony picked up Ziva after the session. Paler, eye puffy, she had never been this vulnerable before. He took her home and made them chicken soup noodle as dinner. Ziva was quite when she tried to eat more. She raised her head meeting Tony’s eyes. “ What if… ” She choked back tears “What if I lose the baby? Would you still be with me if I miscarry?”
Tony set down his fork and took Ziva’s small hands with his large palms. “First of all, our baby will be ok. It has its ima’s resilient and its dad’s stubbornness. You have to admit it would be difficult, no, more like impossible to be defeated.” He wiped the tear from her face with his thump and continued: “Secondly, you are so stuck with me for the rest of my life. Wherever you go, I follow, whether it is a farmhouse across the ocean, or the ice cream shop down the street, by the way, they had hummus gelato as the new season flavor. Yuck.” Ziva smiled through her tears. “Someone should teach them about decent food.” Tony made an exaggerated face.
“Maybe I would like it, you never know.” She patted his hand. Her mood seemingly lifted.
“Well, ” Tony playfully made a face. “I am not sure the baby would appreciate it. It is half Italian you know.” He looked down at her midsection.
“She will love whatever I eat, since she has no say about what to eat when she is in here.” Ziva leaned towards Tony, laying her hand on her stomach.
“She?” Tony raised an eyebrow. “Your ninja sense told you that? ”
“Call it the ima’s intuition.” Ziva leaned to kiss his face.
“Well in that case.” Tony returned the kiss. “I would be more than happy to bring my ladies their gelato.”
After they shower, they resume their position snuggling in bed. Ziva watched Tony pulling out a shining jewelry from the nightstand. The Shield of David pendant.
“Zi, I have an old friend of yours here.”
Reaching for the pendant with her hand, Ziva smiled sleepily without taking it. “I am not sure if I can bring myself to wear it again.”
“In that case, I will keep this for you for as long as you need.” Just like keeping your heart. He carefully put it back in the jewelry box. After he safely tucked the box back to his nightstand, Ziva was letting out a light snore. He put a lock of her unruly curl out of her face and put a kiss to her forehead. “Buona notte bambina. ”