Work Text:
As soon as the tape starts, the video feed is black. Then the audio starts, scratchy, definitely from the camera alone, and no other recorders:
“Is it recording? It looks like the red light is on, so I’m gonna assume that means recording. Dis is gonna be da best thing I ever nabbed, I swear.” The voice on the tape clears their throat. “This is J, da real best Bizzyboy! Or at least, J for now. I’m gonna have more letters soon, after I show da Capo this tape. I managed to uh.. ‘Borrow’ one’a dem fancy film cameras from Ban. Not like he evah uses dem. Dis will be my platform! The very foist episode of Bizzyboy News!” Shifting can be heard.
“I’ll be using dese tapes to share everything I think da PEEPLE should know. Crimes! Gawsip! General stuff about da island. Maybe even a few confidential Bizzyboy Secrets! Probably not doh, but hey, you’ll see. Today’s topic…”
The swooshing of wind can be heard, as J swings the camera around, most likely towards this topic. “Da Rift! It’s been open for at least a few days, but it seems like dere won’t be no festival anytime soon. I bet you’re confused, why it’s still open, why unrest is spreadin’. Why, I’ll tell you why. There’s only one person at fault, and that’s the god Nominee, KING!” J makes something that sounds like a suspenseful orchestral sting with his mouth. Swooshes are heard again, as he turns the camera back toward himself. “Dat’s right! Da person we’ve been relyin’ on to deliver our mail for da last few years has most definitely turned coats! But what’s da cause in this change of character? Might I raise that dere was no change in character at all! Ever since that lady in well-tanned leather stepped foot on dis island, she’s had nuthin’ but ill will in her heart!”
The sound of footsteps on grass are heard on the tape. It is unclear if J is the one walking, or if someone is passing by, but they definitely bump into each other. “‘Ey, watch it! People dese days, I swear.” J takes a few seconds to stabilize himself, with breathing audible.
“As I was saying, right? Ain’t it a little suspicious dat dis wound up, wise, w…” He pauses, making the wuh sound a few times to think of more alliteration. “Won- Wonderful Woman wobbles up without one whim to wholesomely solve all our problems, just off the boat? With a Willful Weapon, CLEARLY of divine origin? I mean, have you seen that thing? If dat ain’t made by a god, I don’t know what is! ‘S like it takes words clean out of my mouth! And it even-!” After this crescendo, J stops again, sighing.
“Where was I? Right. So, dey step off the boat, and what do dey do next? Start suckin’ up to the most vulnerable god in the isle; The one who ain’t been visited very often for a while, Missy M. Y’know what dat sounds like? MANIPULATION. And she's been doin' dis for a couple years now! Maybe this sage spouting spontaneous..” The pace is halted again, as J drags out the S sound. “..ssermons? Does that work? Nope. Doesn’t. Spuh.” He pauses once more. “Maybe this sage spouting spontaneous, spritely spuspence isn’t the spaint you thought she was! Er, Saint. Maybe she was leadin’ us all on the whole time. I’ll have you know, that if we Bizzyboys find her, we’re gonna bring her to justice, you wait. This has been Bizzyboy News. J signing off.”
The camera can be heard being slung under an arm, followed by more walking on grass.
J yells, now slightly muffled. “Hey, Nerd! I was using your camera, now how do I turn it off?!”
There’s a voice in the distance, but with the camera’s microphone quality, it's unintelligible.
“What do you mean the lens cap was on?”
END TAPE