Chapter Text
The rays of sunlight they viewed from the WSQK rooftop seemed to slowly blend into the coming night. Each time the crawl approached, Mike and El would sit there, waiting for the sign the time had come to start. Each time, they had similar conversations that sounded like small talk, which both disliked. A simple routine of two people who tried to keep whatever was left of them.
Eighteen months had passed since their breakup, and Mike was still not sure how to be around El without feeling wrong-footed. Truth be told, he was relieved they were friends at all, but their talks fell flat. He couldn’t muster the courage to be real with her anymore. He couldn’t tell her the truth. Because the truth was cruel, and all of them were tired. Tired of the danger of the Upside Down looming on the horizon. Tired of the confinement the quarantine forced them to.
So yeah, when the girl he once loved asked him about the future, he went for the easiest way out he knew - D&D.
He was a moron, but he wanted to ease her mind. He wanted to see her smile for at least a second. Hence, the stupid three waterfalls talk. But El was not stupid. And she was not a moron like him. She saw through him immediately, but chose to believe this fantasy. At least for the time being. It probably gave her some semblance of hope.
“This time it will be different. I know it”, Mike reassured her. He tried to show her his confidence in this statement through sheer gaze. Like looking in his eyes could make her believe it.
He knew better. She did too.
“Because… Will had a feeling?”
Her whole face closed off in a second she mentioned Will’s name. She focused her eyes on the concrete floor of the roof.
“I mean… yeah?” he furrowed his brows and tried to make her look at him. “ It’s the first time in months. I know everyone may think it’s nothing, but they don’t know Will as I do.”
Except, of course, Mrs Byers and Jontathan. They also believed Will without question. They knew better than to underestimate the danger it implied. But that was beside the point.
El suddenly turned to face him, and this time her anger was completely visible.
“You see, Mike, that is your problem. You think you know Will better than anyone. Just like you thought you know me better than anyone.”
It seemed completely out of character for El to question his friendship with Will and their past relationship just to spite him. They broke up after returning from Lenora, and it was El’s idea. It was hard for him to accept, but he knew he had made some mistakes. Suddenly, the end of the world was coming, and he couldn’t say ‘I love you’ to his girlfriend without his best friend patting him on the shoulder. She was right not to forgive him easily. This was fucked up, and he apologised for that multiple times already.
But this anger seemed to be new. It came from a piece of knowledge, and Mike was not sure if he wanted to know what she knew.
“What? What are you saying, El?” he asked after she didn’t continue.
Maybe she thought he knew already. But after looking at his clueless face, she decided not to wait for a miracle.
“I asked Will about the painting, Mike,” she said carefully. Each word accentuated, like the sentence left acid in her mouth. Then she took a shaky breath and explained further, ”I asked him, because when we broke up, you gave me that weird painting. You said even weirder things, Mike, and I was confused. I have not commented on it; I let you believe the painting was from me. It was my mistake, but I didn’t know it was important. How could I?” She brought her knees to her chin, making herself as small as possible. “How could I know Will would do this to me? All this time in California, I was seeing him working on a painting, believing it was for some girl he liked, but it was for you. My first boyfriend. The person I love the most. I told him this is sick. It makes me sick. Why did he do this?”
When he saw tears in her eyes, his first reaction was to hug her. He would do this. He would. But he also could not understand what she was crying about. Will did what? What was sick?
And then it hit him like a train.
El didn’t commission the painting. Will made it all by himself. The words in the van that made him believe he is not just a Lois to El’s Clarke… The words that actually made him tell El he loved her - Will’s speech inspired the whole monologue he told in the pizza place. Because he believed they were El’s words. He believed that at that point, he was El’s heart. That he was the heart.
He remembered it so vividly. Will’s eyes were shining with unshed tears. The smile he was trying to keep despite apparently giving away something precious to him. He presented it to Mike as if El was the one who meant it.
And it was all Will. His best friend for more than ten years. The bravest of them all. The kindest of them all. But also the most self-sacrificing idiot that ever lived.
It was easy to piece the rest of the puzzles when there was this one fact about someone that the whole town seemed to know. Maybe the brutal bullying ebbed away since Will came back to Hawkins, but they heard the whispers in the high school hallways one too many times. And Mike remembered Lonnie’s bullshit all too well. On some level, he knew. But he couldn’t admit this about Will.
Admitting this about Will would make him guilty of the same thing. He was, after all, a Paladin to Will’s cleric. And this was by choice. Choice of a dumb five-year-old, but his choice at the same time. It was also his choice to distance himself, to fully focus on his relationship with El. It was his choice to deny what he was feeling and to spat some nonsense at Will when they fought in the rain. It was his choice not to hug Will at the airport, and be petty about the painting he was making for some girl, when in fact, Mike was just stupidly jealous of himself.
And maybe he was still too afraid to even think of the word, but the happiness he felt at the thought of a possibility? That Will's feelings for him could match his own - What a crazy idea. What an amazing idea.
It was also still very terrifying. Yet he didn’t care anymore.
“It doesn’t make you sick?” El’s broken voice snapped him out of his thoughts, “Will feels for you the same as I. But he’s my brother. And he lied! He’s a liar.”
He opened his mouth and closed it a few times. El was not angry anymore; she was devastated. He wanted to talk to Will; he wanted to ask him about the painting. But he couldn’t leave El right now. Not when she was crying so hard and blaming it all on Will.
Not when he was to blame too.
“You still have feelings for me?” he asked, a little dumbfounded “ Why have you not said anything?”
“Because I wanted you to fight for us. I wanted you to show me you care! But you just… You just gave up. Just like that,” she said quickly, disappointment clear in her eyes.
Then, he saw an understanding. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened. She stood up in one swift motion.
“That is why you gave up! Oh, I was so, so stupid!” she started to pace on the small space of the roof.
Mike stood up, but he didn’t interrupt her right away.
“Traitors! You both are traitors! “ she shouted at him. He knew he deserved it.
“El, please, calm down.”
“No! How could you?! I’m angry at Will, but he is my brother. I forgave him already, because… Because Hopper explained to me the… the concept of being gay. I know it’s hard for him, and I know it is not his fault. But now what? You tell me I will have to watch you two together? It still makes me sick that you would never be honest with me if not for this stupid painting. What am I to you, Mike? What am I to Will, huh?”
That is when his eyes started to prickle with unshed tears. Gay. She said the word he was afraid of for years so nonchalantly. Like it was nothing. But the way she was breaking from the impact of it - it confirmed for him it was not something you should ever say lightly.
He couldn’t say what she was desperately grasping for. She was not the love of his life. Not even his first love. But loved her he did. Just not how she wanted. He needed to show her that this love, even if different, still counted.
“You are my Mage. You always were, you always will be, El. No matter what. You are a part of me. You are my first girlfriend and my first kiss. My past will always be yours in some way.”
“Just not your future. That is what you are saying,” she let out a humourless laugh. She was trembling from emotion.
“I’m sorry, El. I never meant for it to happen. Will wanted it even less, that I’m sure of. But if he says yes, I want him to be my future. Will you let me?”
She looked him in the eyes and stepped closer. She tilted her head with curiosity.
“What if I say no? Would you give up? Tell Will to move on? What if I tell you it’s either him or me in your life?” Her voice was completely flat this time
“I… I can’t, El. Don’t make me choose. Please.”
“You can’t have it both ways! You either break my heart or his! That is the whole point of this, Mike!”
El hid her face in her hands, overwhelmed by the conversation. She was frustrated with Mike; it was clear.
“I know you will choose him. I just wish I had never broken up with you. Maybe it would be different. Then maybe you would still choose me,” she wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her hoodie, but her breathing was still ragged. “First doesn’t mean forever, I guess.”
“But it doesn’t make it meaningless, too. You know I care for you. It is true.” Mike tried once more. It felt like a confession in its own way.
Because he had to admit his failure. He had to reveal his true feelings. El was right, back then in Lenora. Care doesn’t equal love. He mistook one for another for too long.
He cared for El, but he thought he was in love with her.
He loved Will. But he couldn’t admit what kind of love it was, so he veiled it in care.
“I need time. To be around both of you,” she said eventually.
“Of course”
“And you must warn me. I want to be the first to know. I deserve to know if you decide to be… You know. Together.”
“Yeah… I… I will.”
“And Mike? I'm serious. Will is my brother. If you break both of our hearts, you will pay for that. Do you understand?”
Mike gulped. He nodded in agreement, not trusting his voice.
Just when he was opening his mouth to actually try to thank her, Lucas' voice echoed from below.
“Hey, lovebirds! Are you coming? We are starting in five!”
He left then, going inside, and leaving Mike at El’s mercy. Fortunately, she bolted for the doors.
“We are not lovebirds, stupid Lucas,” she huffed on her way out.
All Mike could do was sag on the floor from the relief. He had five minutes to collect himself and go downstairs. He will have to go with Lucas to the watchtower. He will probably not have time to talk with Will today, but maybe tomorrow. He just hoped he would find the correct words, preferably before the world’s end.