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Rustle. The old doors creaked.
”I’m heading out.” I said when sliding the door shut. No one was home at that hour, but did it just for the ritual, as anyone would. Kaoru and Mom went to work early, and so did Dad in the woods. Only the silence replied with the sun’s rays reflecting in the windows, unveiling the floating dust.
Though it was late March already, the outside still had some chill. I guess that was also an excuse for me to put on my school uniform then. After all, it was one of the very few clothes I felt comfortable in. Wasn’t it weird to wear this on a Sunday, though? Forget it, I'd better hurry.
“Happy birthday, Hikaru.”
March 20th. Only a week left for April to come, perfectly during the cherry blossom blooming season. The blue sky was still dazzling, and sunlight illuminated the delicate shade of pink on the cherry blossom petals. The day seemed to be dragging, but it'd be great if it just stayed like this, too. Yet time also passes quickly, life hurries by, and everyone is being swept up in it.
"Sorry, this is all I had." I put a pack of sweet bread next to his grave, the word Hikaru Indou carved into the stone delicately. It already had some dust on it, though. Who can blame nature anyway?
Two months had passed since the day Hikaru tragically died on that mountain. No one knew what happened to him, nor what his last thoughts were. "That was the Indou's duty", they said. Everything else that happened was vague.
"It's a seecreeeet." He said that to me when imitating Coach Hara's face in the school hallway that morning. He told me nothing about going up that mountain for anything but just a secret. But his face then was sure funny as hell, yet it all felt so surreal. What if I were just still in that morning? What if all of this was just a dream or illusion? I wonder. What if when I woke up the next morning and Hikaru was still rushing me to school like always with his bright hair making me squint? Would everything remain the same?
A gentle breeze blew through, got me back. The winter had already gone, and the spring had come. Only that white-haired boy was far, far away from me for good.
I quietly sat next to him, leaning my head on my knees.
"It must be lonely on your birthday like this, right?"
It sure was. All around was just graves and earth, not a single sign of human around of course, neither would anyone come here for any reason, especially in this village.
A scene that seemed never to change. The sky was still a vibrant blue, sunlight casting soft yellow sparkles on the cherry blossoms. White clouds drifted gently above the yellow-hued earth roads of the village. Everything would always remain the same. I always wanted to get out of this village. I had had enough with living in hell like this for good already. The bustling Tokyo was all I ever wanted. Graduated, then looked for a school there, that was my plan.
Yet, the only thing I regretted was Hikaru. He once said to me after graduating, he would keep staying in this village, but now it had all vanished into the dust.
The incense on his memorial tablet was still smoldering. I couldn't count how many times I had broken down and how many nights I had gone sleepless. Two months in the blink of an eye, but I could never get over his death. He had been my best friend since childhood, he was my light. Now that light had faded away and left me alone in the dark, forever.
Hikaru Indou, the one everyone loved. Students at school liked him, girls had crushed on him, the one who could be described as a manga protagonist. Before he died, he liked, or say had crushed on, Saito from class B. He said she looked like Rin-san from our favourite manga, Master × Master. I agreed, though. She was real pretty, no wonder he talked about her nearly every time.
How I even became his friend in the first place, actually, I was nothing like him, nor did we have anything in common.
Though the world was cruel to him, to his youth. A shame he left everything behind at his sixteen.
Our memories and promises were then gone with him in that winter, far away to the past.
I gently closed my eyes, hoping at least he was still here with me, and not just these cold, soulless stones. Maybe once I woke up he would be next to me then. Maybe I just dozed off when he was in my room doing something after school, and this future was what I dreamt of…
”I wish I could see you again. I miss you a lot…” A sigh gently came out from between my lips.
I really wished he would also miss me too. But, a coward who could only look at him from afar behind, what did I have to ask for this much? His back always seemed so final to me, not something I could reach.
...Yoshiki
To him, whom I would never be able to see again.
To you, whom I could never speak up the words I had been hiding.
Only if I knew all of that would happen. Then I would choose to be honest with you, with myself, once.
I'd dive into that moment again if I could, even if it broke me further.
Only if I had a chance...
Sometimes I wonder… Would I be accepted if I were honest with my heart?
And I wondered, who was I.. in your heart?
Yoshiki
Huh…
Was that...
Am I
…dreaming?
Yoshiki.
…what would we say if we met again? Or just the silent glances?
…Hikaru?
Something rustled softly by my ears, something pointy pressed into the palm of my hands.
I gently breathed out and opened my eyes.
All around was a vast green field that seemed to have no end beneath me. The sky was still dazzling, with a breezy feel of the wind. Surrounded by the sunflowers, the area was colored with yellow spots. Clouds drifted west across the unknown, ethereal sky, and the greenery and flowers rustled softly in the breeze with a faint citrus scent. A place I had never been nor heard of, yet it was beautiful, oddly.
I had no idea where I was, but I knew no place in Kibogayama looked like this.
"...So beautiful." I gasped as I turned myself back and saw what seemed to be a sunset in this unknown world. The wind breezed through the gaps between my fingers and made my bangs sway with the flow, even this uniform didn’t feel thick enough to keep me warm through the blowing wind.
Sunlight spilled over the yellow petals of sunflowers, making them glow like sparkles, contrasting with the dark disk florets. Time felt like it had frozen in this sunset, the warmth of the color orange painted the whole scenery, like a knitted picture. “Am I... dreaming?” I wondered.
The grass rustled soothingly. Glowing petals reflected the yellow tint on my face, along with the hazing sun, drifting me away in a symphony of colors, as the sky slowly painted itself in crimson, dotted with indigo.
A sensation rose, somewhere deep inside me. Melancholy? Nostalgic? Those ray florets reminded me of someone, someone who I’d like to share this very moment with. Someone who was my sunflower...
Only if he were here... Only if I could see him again…
From afar behind, I heard the grass rustling with the sounds of footsteps. “Someone’s here?” I thought so. A familiar voice called me the moment before I turned back, or I supposed.
”Yoshiki.”
“Ya finally came.”
Something brushed through me, could be a shiver, gave me goosebumps. I turned slowly.
That voice. It echoed from afar, across the vast sky. Even the grass stopped swaying.
"...Hikaru?"
He stood there, a familiar figure with the slightly rumpled collar of the white shirt visible beneath the open black blazer and his hands in the pants' pockets—someone who had never changed within my memories. The dazzling white hair used to make me squint back then was just as bright. My eyes widened.
Sunlight illuminated him with a yellow tint, making him look like someone from an old film blending into the shimmering petals. That energetic, bright voice had me choked within this golden air.
Was that really him? Or was I just hallucinating? My emotions overlapped with my senses, as his gentle grin shone like a star under the fainting sky.
"Ya missed me?" He took a few further steps forward with his head tilted as he said it jokingly. My eyes flickered in the moment as the last resort to hold myself from crashing.
I took a slow step toward him, trembling. My breath shortened.
This must be a dream, but then, why, it all feel so... real?
My eyes started to blur as I kept moving toward him. All left in this world was just my shivering breath that got out of my control.
The moment I stood in front of him, that 5'4 guy was still shorter than me, nothing had changed. I gently rested my hands on his shoulders. The same sensation of weaved cotton as the uniform I was wearing, I felt it on my palms when I slid down slightly on his shoulder.
"You..." I hesitated. Still, in the blink of an eye, I hugged him tight within the range of my arms. The warmth of his body. The citrus scent with hints of hyacinth. All of them came to me along with the memories between us like waves. This sound and smell, everything I missed, everything I thought was gone forever. My head leaned over his shoulder as tears fell unconsciously down my cheek.
I was sure leaning on him, it did feel real, yet so surreal. My vision stretched to the night-falling skyline. Desperation beat me, I really wished I had never woken up from this dream. Whether it was fake, as long as Hikaru was still here with me, that was all I needed.
At that moment, he slowly put his arms on my back, holding me gently. “Haha, what’s wrong with ya?”
“Why did ya leave me..? Do you know how hard it has been for me all this time..?” My voice trembled. My nose got stuffy, it kept sniffing in bursts. One by one, then followed by another, my face was soaked in tears.
“Right, there there. I’m here with ya, aren’t I?”
”Ha, ya missed me that much?” He let out a sigh. That gentle voice resounded in my ears... it was really him. He finally rested his head on my back. My heart ached, I didn’t want to wake up from this dream if it happened to be one “…I sure did.”
Then, I finally let go of him. My arms drooped, but I still held onto the hem of his blazer. “Please… don’t go…” I muttered.
Why did I even beg him to stay? Was it just so I wouldn’t be left alone in my own ink-dark world? All of that just because of my selfishness?
Questions rose inside me, drowning out the grass rustling. I released his blazer, wiping my tears with my forearms.
Losing him was what I feared the most, yet it was all just a dream I ran after.
”…I won’t get to see ya again, right..?”
”Sorry… I couldn’t do anything for you in your last moment…”
“Really, I…”
“I like you. A lot…”
…
Had this realm become soundless? His silence replied to my whisper. I had nothing to lose anymore. Wouldn’t it be easier to just admit it right now?
His warmth that was lingering around my body then slowly faded into the cold. I would have to wake up from this hallucination. He didn’t belong to me, never had been, and never would. I was no one in his heart in the first place. I shouldn’t have let my selfishness win.
My tears wouldn’t stop falling, mixed with my trembling breath. It was I who sought an illusion that crushed into decay.
”…Sorry, I let it slip like that. I know I would never have a chance…”
“I just want to be honest with you once and for all. I know you will find me disgusting. Sorry…”
A cold wind cut right through me. I bowed my head down, desperately avoiding his gaze. Tears kept dripping down from my chin, I shouldn’t have taken all my rambled words on him.
”I must be a freak, right..?” A wry giggle escaped, overlapping by hiccups. Our cards were dealt from the very start, I knew that well. I needed to stop chasing it. The faint hum of grass was the only reply for me then. It ached my heart.
”…Ya know yer really…” He giggled, tearing the silence apart.
”Should have been honest with me earlier, you know?”
He placed his hand on my face gently as I was looking up. Wiping away the last of my tears with his thumb. My state then must have been real humiliating.
I was taken aback in that moment. The hazy sunlight drew shadows on the left side of his face, yet couldn’t dim that bright smile he gave me. That faint furrow of his eyebrows. Those buck teeth. Everything got painted in the brilliant orange.
Yet, a tear unconsciously slid down his chin, shining like a crystal.
him
Was crying?
I
He, the one who stayed.
I, the one who would never return.
Even until my last breath. I wished someone could replace me to be with him. I didn’t want to leave him alone.
Loneliness was scary, I knew that for sure.
Yoshiki. It was he who led me through all my hard times. He was always there with me.
Yet, I didn’t think he had shared anything with me. Everything about him was a secret. His feelings, his sadness. He buried them deep inside his heart, bottling up until he couldn’t take it anymore.
It was a shame that I couldn’t, or I didn’t do much for him. He had always been so kind to me.
I didn’t know why I laughed then. Maybe just to keep playing cool with him, but tear caught me red-handed.
The moment he hugged me tightly, the warmth of his body was so soothing. I had never felt anything like this when I was alive.
Was I a ghost or some kind of spirit? Whatever, maybe god gave me a chance to see him again as a repay for my wish. At least I can feel that touch of his was real.
Yoshiki Tsujinaka. I really wished he could have just been honest with himself for once.
I wiped his tears away with my thumb. Those black eyes shone like marbles after the tears. The dusk illuminated the left side of his flushing face faintly, along with his pitch-black, silky hair. Colored him crimson with a rim of indigo.
That moment where he contrasted with the beaming sunflowers surrounding, reflecting so beautifully.
One by one. My tears wouldn’t stop falling without me being aware.
As the sun was setting, replaced by the night falling. If we all had to wake up from this dream. If this was our last chance to see each other…
Our time was up. Our fates were meant to be this way.
“…Yoshiki. Do me a favor.” I said.
…Then. A goodbye kiss would be fine, right?
At that moment, he gently lifted my chin toward his face. Leaning on me.
That kiss he gave me was so shocking, suspended. Yet, gentle and so ethereal.
As he pounced on me, I saw his tears sparkling, flying away by the blowing wind and his movement.
The sun tried to send its last rays, dyeing the whole scenery purple. I could feel that I, we, were falling backward when I lost my balance. But even so, I hugged him tight once again, hoping all these feelings I was experiencing would last until I woke up.
I gently closed my eyes.
Grass rustled around my ears with a soft thud overlapped it. Sunflowers swung, falling a whiff of citrus scent with hints of amber labdanum. Had we fallen, or were we still falling? I couldn’t feel a thing. But. His warmth, heat. It was the only thing I could feel.
To him, who was always my light.
To you, the only place I could feel belonged.
Please, promise you won’t forget , ‘kay?
me
you
If I had another chance, I’d choose every time.
“…Yoshiki!”
“You’re awake. Huh, are you crying?”
When I opened my eyes, I was back at the graveyard again. The sky then was being painted by the dusk. Clouds were dimming out, drifting to the west as the sun was sinking.
Maki was waving his left hand in front of my face. That voice was probably from him, too. I looked up at him, noticing his right hand was holding something.
Behind him were Asako and Yuuki. Three of them were also wearing uniforms from Kibogayama High.
“…Am I, crying?”
I touched the teardrop unconsciously rolling on my face. Was I passed out? Did I have a dream?
"...Don't forget about me." An echo lingered around my ears. Maybe I had a dream. I dreamt about a sunflower field. Hikaru was there. I dreamt about meeting him again for the last time.
Perhaps I had a dream about something that seemed so final. Yet it all was vague somehow.
"Why are you guys here..?" I asked.
"Of course it's Hikaru's birthday today. How can we forget?" Asako clapped her hands together as she said. Giving me a bright smile.
"Maki phoned you earlier, but you didn't answer. So we reckon you were here, though." Yuuki stood there, crossing her arms. Sounded a little grumpy as usual.
At that moment, I dazedly looked at them. Only a little while after, I recovered my composure.
Lingering around me was a familiar, faint scent of citrus that I couldn't place. That aroma felt so warm, amber, and nostalgic, like it was from a long time ago. The cherry blossom tree on top of the cliff started swaying, its petals fell like a shower. One by one, and then another fell gently from the branch, highlighting their pink shade into the skyline.
A single petal fell on my left shoulder. Shimmering in a pastel pink on the black blazer delicately.
Cherry blossom petals kept falling as the tree rustled, they got carried away with the breeze to the other side. Reflecting in my eyes an impressive nightfall sky.
"Anyway, I brought cake and candles here. We should light 'em up."
Maki took the cake out of the packaging box. Rattled. The box of matches inside his pocket clacked every time those sticks clashed together.
Skitch. The head of the match lit up the moment he struck it with the matchbox. Igniting the sparkler that was put right in the middle of the white vanilla cake.
The lit sparkler sparked like a small firework. Painting a bright yellow color on our faces, along with the crackling sound.
"Here we go..."
"...1..2.."
Snaps.
"Happy birthday, Hikaru!"