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Ogygia was too quiet, Calypso's head was too loud.
In fact, she had never felt such silence. It was almost as if the waves had stopped making any noise. She could hear her heartbeat and her breathing without even concentrating on them.
Odysseus left only a few hours ago and it already felt like days. Of all the time she had spent alone, that moment was definitely the worst.
The fear of not knowing if she would ever interact with another person again. The realization that she was completely alone, maybe forever.
She tried to give him everything, and yet he left.
Calypso knew the reason he went away, and how much he loved his wife. She tried to ignore it for so long, but it was still there, in her head.
She wondered if he'd be happy with Penelope. The idea would have made her uncomfortable not so long ago, but now she gave a half-smile to it. “If I can't be happy, at least he will be”, she thought.
She didn't want to think about Odysseus, but the alternative—thinking about herself—was much worse.
She sat on the sand and hugged herself. For a second, she dug her nails into her skin.
“No”, she told herself, “you promised you wouldn't do this again”. But that promise was made when Odysseus was still in Ogygia, when she first met him, when she was stupid enough to believe he would love her back. Calypso wanted to stop thinking, to have her mind quiet for a moment. But her head wouldn't stop. It kept going.
No one, god nor human, would ever feel pity for her. Because she had been a horrible person. She kept a man captive on her island just because she wanted to. She kept him prisoner against his own will, far away from his home, his family. And when he was finally able to leave, she tried to manipulate him to make him stay.
She couldn't help but dig her nails into her skin again. She deserved the pain.
Calypso closed her eyes, not wanting to remember anything about the past seven years. She thought about her own words, the ones she told Odysseus when he threatened to kill her. “Last I checked, goddesses can't die.”
It wouldn't hurt to check again. (It would be even better if it hurt.)
Ogygia didn't have many things that could kill someone, let alone a goddess. She could try dying because of starving, but it would last too long. She wasn't even sure she could die of starvation. There was nothing poisonous in the island she could eat either, so food wasn't an option.
She wished she had Odysseus’ sword to die stabbed by it. It would be painful. But she didn't have it.
Then she came up with the solution.
The cliff.
It was a pretty high place, there were dozens of rocks below it, and the sea was even more aggressive there. Odysseus tried to jump from there, but she stopped him. No one would stop her.
Slowly, Calypso got up from the ground, shook the sand off her clothes and began to walk in the opposite direction from where she was. She wanted to keep a slow pace, but she couldn't help speeding up. She needed to get there. She needed to jump.
She could still hear her breath and heartbeat, and she could only wish they stopped. The worst thing wasn't those sounds, but the one her own mind made. She wasn't even sure that could be called a sound. It was just noise. Noise talking about how horrible and disgusting she was.
When she found herself at the edge of the cliff, she considered the idea of not feeling nothing, of not being alive at all, and that made her smile. Her mind would finally be quiet and she would be free. Gone.
The edge was only four steps away from her. She shivered as the cold wind brushed against her skin.
Three steps. Calypso couldn't help but wonder what she would feel while falling and, surprisingly, she could silent that thought.
Two steps.
Now only one. She didn't hesitate when she took a step into the void with her eyes open.
But she didn't fall.
She felt arms grabbing her firmly by the waist and pulling her back to the ground. Her body trembled again, but this time from the person’s contact.
It couldn't have been anyone else, but she was still surprised when she turned around and saw him. Trying to maintain her composure (as much as she could, considering she had just attempted to jump off a cliff), she said :
“Hermes. What are you doing here?” She wanted her voice to sound dry, but it sounded broken instead.
Hermes looked at her. By the first time in years, the messenger god wasn't smiling. He was serious.
Calypso expected him to yell at her, to scold her like a child, to tell her she was incredibly stupid. The silence frightened her more than his screams would.
“Calypso…” Hermes started to say.
“What are you doing here?” she asked again, her voice now firmer.
“What were you doing!?” He ended up shouting at her, and regretting immediately. However, he did not attempt to fix his words. He simply exhaled deeply and said “I came to see how you were. I'm glad I came now and not later.”
“You're acting like you even care about how I feel. When you came to tell me Odysseus was free to go, you laughed at my face because of my tears. I know you hate me, and I don't need you here. Go away.”
He tried to look at her eyes, but she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were fixed on the edge. Imagining her intention to jump again, he grabbed her arm tightly. Calypso tried to break free from his grip, but he was much stronger than her.
“I don't hate you,” with his other hand, Hermes gently turned her head so that she looked at him “and you clearly need me here. You need help.”
“Yes, I need help. You can kill me, right?” he stared at her, horrified. There it was. The obsessive look he only saw her giving at Odysseus. “Yes, you can kill me, I know you can.”
He gripped her arm tighter and pulled her away from the cliff. If he was hurting her, she didn't complain. Hermes looked down and saw the nail marks on her skin.
“I’m not going to kill you.” His voice tone was similar to the one he would use to speak to a child, kind but firm. Hermes' eyes remained fixed on her nail marks. Calypso wished she had sleeves to cover them up, and felt relief when he didn't search for more wounds in other parts of her body—they both knew he would find them. “Calypso, this is not the answer.”
She felt like something broke inside her. Calypso couldn't take it anymore and burst into tears. Hermes hugged her, making her head rest on his shoulder and gently stroking her hair as she cried.
“I didn’t— I wasn’t trying to— I just wanted— I just thought if I—” She tried to put herself back together. “Say it. Just say it, Hermes. That I deserve all of this.”
“Stop this. You don’t get to turn yourself into the victim now.” Hermes separated from her and made her look him in the eyes. “I’m not saying this to hurt you. I’m saying this because you need to hear it.” Calypso's shoulders trembled. She lowered her gaze to the ground. “Look at me. The fact that you did something wrong doesn't mean you don't deserve your life.”
Calypso dried her tears with her hands and looked at him before speaking.
“What am I supposed to do now?”
“Stay alive. That's enough for now.”
She nodded silently. She could to that.
"I have to ask the other gods about something now. Do you swear you'll still be alive when I arrive?”
“I swear it.” She remained silent for a moment before asking. “Where are you going?”
There was the Calypso he knew. The one who asked him about things, who pretended to have no interest in the outside world but loved hearing about it.
“I'm going to try to get you out of here. I have a... friend you would like to meet. She lives on an island with other nymphs. I know you could use some company.”
“Thank you, Hermes.” Calypso nodded again and gave him a little smile.
“Don't thank me, darling. I'll be back soon”