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"Gogol, what in the ever-loving hell is that?”
Sigma stared at the shivering, god-forsaken, hideous creature cradled in Nikolai's arms. Its skin was loose and saggy, hanging far below its physical form. Its eyes were large and abysmal, welling up with tears. They held a profound sadness in them that made the creature even more pitiful. It was hideous beyond measures, and surely beyond the words I could use to describe it to you, dear reader. Just look it up.
"It's a squonk!" Nikolai said with too much joy for someone holding such a pathetic looking thing, "I found him in the woods last night!"
Fyodor looked at the squonk with his usual apathetic expression. His eyes narrowed slightly in mild distaste.
"I found him all alone and sad, probably abandoned..." Nikolai's voice trailed off in a melodramatic manner, hugging the squonk closer to his chest, causing it to let out a high-pitched squeak.
"But now we're gonna take care of it!" Nikolai declared with his usual bright, unhinged smile that was fit for only someone as insane as he was.
"Who's we?" Sigma muttered in exasperation.
"Us, of course! Me, you, and Fedya," Nikolai grinned, "Think of him as our child, won't you, dear Sigma? Look! He has your eyes."
Fyodor, who had been completetly silent up until this point, whispered lowly to Sigma, "We need to kill it."
Sigma nodded grimly as his gaze flickered back over to Nikolai. The white haired man either did not hear Fyodor, or chose to ignore it.
"Now, I have some errands to run. Could you take care of him for me, pretty please, Sigma?" Before Sigma could either refuse or accept, probably refuse, he shoved the squonk into his arms.
"Thank you, darling! Alright, bye!"
"Gogol, wait!-" And with that, Nikolai took off and didn't look back. It was moments like this where Sigma thought that he maybe chose the wrong person to have the title of the 'love of his life.'
Sigma looked down at the squonk a second time over, and immediately recoiled. He extended his arms to distance the squonk further from himself.
"Oh my God, ew-"
Fyodor decided to do Sigma a favor and took the squonk out of the other's hands, although he held it with his sleeves covering his hands to avoid touching it directly.
The squonk squeaked once more, squirming and writhing around pitifully in Fyodor's grasp.
"Please don't let people see that thing," Sigma pleaded. After all, the sighting of such a hideous creature in the renowned Sky Casino was sure to stir up at least some amount of public disarray.
"... It's kind of cute, don't you think?" Fyodor mused, "In the way that is utterly pitiful, that is."
"I don't think that thing is cute at all." Sigma mumbled.
"I suppose you're right. Sigma, do you have rat poison? I believe if this thing is just like any other animal, we can kill it like that."
Sigma stepped over towards his desk, rummaging through the drawers and the stacks of paperwork. Some of the sheets fluttered down to the floor in the process, but he didn't seem to care enough to pick them back up.
He eventually found a small, half-empty bottle of rat poison, tossing it over to Fyodor. The other man fumbled and dropped it to the ground, the glass bottle shattering on impact.
Fyodor looked down at the large splatter of teal liquid now on the used-to-be clean floors of Sigma's office. He let the squonk down and it padded across the floor, trembling uncontrollably as it did so.
"Drink." Was all that Fyodor said to it. It slowly lowered its head, sticking its tongue out feebly. It lapped up some of the rat poison, and immediately melted into a puddle of its own tears.
Sigma could only blink in surprise. Fyodor crouched down near the puddle that used to be the squonk, poking at it.
"It's still alive." Fyodor continued to prode at the puddle. It began to solidify, becoming a jello-like substance.
"So rat poison won't kill it. It just does... that." Sigma said for clarification, earning a nod from Fyodor.
"It seems like we'll have to get... Creative." Fyodor concluded.
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Next, Fyodor and Sigma found themselves in the kitchen of the Sky Casino
Fyodor had prepared a pot of boiling water, seasoned with salt. His plan was to boil the squonk, and if it turned out alright, attempt to eat it. Sigma strongly disagreed with the whole 'eating the squonk' idea, both because Nikolai would be quite upset, and that he'd rather die than eat it.
This time, it was Sigma's turn to handle the squonk, much to his displeasure. He slowly lowered it into the boiling water, thrashing around helplessly as it tried in utter futility to escape.
As soon as the squonk made contact with the water, it dissolved once more. Sigma grimaced, taking a wooden spoon and stirring around the revolting looking mixture. The 'soup' began to curdle, similiar to when Fyodor had forced it to drink the rat poison.
"Dostoevsky, I don't think this is working-" The squonk manifested once more, leaping out of the pot of boiling water and scurrying away.
"Get back here!" Sigma turned on his heel and began chasing after the squonk, which was surprisingly fast.
Fyodor turned the stove off for him.
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The two of them tried almost every single method of killing something imaginable, and none of them worked They tried torching it, drowning it, electrocution, shooting it down, impaling it, putting it in a gas chamber (which Fyodor had, for some reason), bombing it, literally everything. The only thing gained from their little experiments was a throbbing headache for Fyodor, and a massive mess for Sigma to clean up.
Sigma was done at this point. They had spent a total of three hours on this, and nothing worked. He shook his head, letting out a loud groan and ruffling up his hair. Fyodor sat in his chair, his face buried in his hands.
"You know what? Fuck it. I can't take this shit anymore!" Sigma scooped the squonk up into his hands, winding back and launching it directly out of the window. It let out an ear-ringing screech, quickly fading away into silence as it plummeted down.
"I'm home!-" Unfortunately for both Sigma and Fyodor, Nikolai came back at just the right moment to see his beloved launch their 'child' out of the window.
Nikolai quickly approached the broken window, peering down, as if he could possibly see the squonk from all the way from the Sky Casino.
"... Bad news, I think our child is dead," Nikolai murmured, then looked over at Sigma and Fyodor. He beamed, twirling around and reaching into his overcoat. Much to Fyodor and Sigma's dismay...
"Good news, I found another one!" Nikolai pulled out another squonk from the inside of his coat.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me."
"Koyla. I hope God smites you."